# Would it bother you if your spouse declined an invitation because a certain ex was... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 18, 2011, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-your-spouse-declined-an-invitation-because-a-certain-ex-was/582360 "2011-05-18T18:53:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2011, 8:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-your-spouse-declined-an-invitation-because-a-certain-ex-was/582360/21 "2011-05-19T08:32:30Z")
It wouldn’t ring alarm bells for me. My boyfriend and his ex parted on bad terms. I’ve told him I don’t mind him keeping in touch with her as long as he’s open about it, but he’s said he doesn’t want to, and that’s fine too. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2011, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-your-spouse-declined-an-invitation-because-a-certain-ex-was/582360/22 "2011-05-19T12:14:36Z")
I wouldn’t be worried (or surprised) if my partner turned down an invitation because he didn’t want to see his ex. I know he’d be too uncomfortable to enjoy himself if she was there. I also know it’s not because he harbours feelings for her… rather, it’s because there’s too much bad that passed between them for him to ever be able to relax if she was around. I would also decline an invitation that would require me to be around my ex husband because I still resent him too much to want to see him in what should be a fun, casual setting. I have ex boyfriends who I am happy to hang out with. I still like them enough as people to enjoy their company, but because I know we don’t work as a couple I can see them without having regrets. ---
**Author:** ![Meatros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Meatros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meatros)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2011, 12:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-your-spouse-declined-an-invitation-because-a-certain-ex-was/582360/23 "2011-05-19T12:24:25Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I mentioned to another invitee that I would not be going to this party, and why. The person I told this too was taken aback, saying that, if I were her husband, she’d be bothered that I’d still want to avoid an ex after years of marriage. > > Has she a point? I don’t think so, but I’ve been wrong before. I would be concerned because you could be missing an event you might enjoy. I would be concerned because this could be the type of thing where you should make amends with the ex and sort that out. On the other hand, if you had your reasons to believe that you couldn’t be amicable with the ex or it just wasn’t worth it or what have you, that’s completely understandable. There are people in my past who I would not want to see again, who I could make up with but I just don’t feel are worth the effort. I wouldn’t be bothered _simply because you wanted to avoid an ex_ after a number of years of marriage. I’d be curious and have to evaluate the reasons for the avoidance. ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2011, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-your-spouse-declined-an-invitation-because-a-certain-ex-was/582360/24 "2011-05-19T12:41:24Z")
It wouldn’t bother me if my (sadly, hypothetical) SO didn’t want to go to a party because of an ex. I’d assume it’s because that ex was a douchebag and a generally unpleasant person to be around and going to a party they were at would ruin the experience. ---
**Author:** ![Lacunae\_Matata](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lacunae\_Matata](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lacunae_Matata)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2011, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-your-spouse-declined-an-invitation-because-a-certain-ex-was/582360/25 "2011-05-19T13:50:18Z")
I have two ex spouses and more than two ex boyfriends of varying levels of serious involvement. Some, like my second husband or my last ex boyfriend before dating/marrying Mr. Matata, I’m okay with socializing. Last boyfriend was actually the first friend to whom I introduced my now-husband. Others, though, like my first husband? I never want to share oxygen with. Ditto for my husband: he is friendly with his second wife, but wouldn’t cross the street to piss in the first’s ear if her brain were on fire. It’s all situational. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2011, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-your-spouse-declined-an-invitation-because-a-certain-ex-was/582360/26 "2011-05-19T14:45:20Z")
I would certainly hope nobody would judge a person for having a no-contact list. That’s irrational. Just because she ends on good terms with her exes doesn’t mean we all can (or that all exes are worth being on good terms with). I have a short list of people that I’ll go to any lengths to avoid seeing in person, including a couple family members, former school teachers, and exes. Anybody that would negatively judge me for this doesn’t know me, and thus isn’t contributing a worthwhile opinion. ---
**Author:** ![classyladyhp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b5ac83/32.png) [@classyladyhp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/classyladyhp)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2011, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-your-spouse-declined-an-invitation-because-a-certain-ex-was/582360/27 "2011-05-21T14:21:26Z")
Yes she’s got a point. It means you still have feelings for your ex. You have bad feelings but they are nevertheless feelings. If you were truly over her it would not bother you that your ex was there now would it? I’m not saying it would bother every woman but it would bother some. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2011, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-your-spouse-declined-an-invitation-because-a-certain-ex-was/582360/28 "2011-05-21T15:55:07Z")
The issue, as I see it, is that your negative feelings toward your ex are stronger than your positive feelings toward your friend. If that’s true, then you have every reason to avoid your ex, but in the process you’re kind of dissing your friend. If you value your friendship, go out of your way to make sure she understands why you won’t be there. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2011, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-your-spouse-declined-an-invitation-because-a-certain-ex-was/582360/29 "2011-05-21T20:15:51Z")
I might not feel it’s entirely rational, but I think we all have varying comfort levels. I don’t have an ex about whom I feel that strongly but if my former in-laws were somewhere, I would skip the event. I don’t care if it’s sitting in the owner’s box during the World Series, I’d still skip… okay, I would go, but I would be annoyed! ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2011, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-your-spouse-declined-an-invitation-because-a-certain-ex-was/582360/30 "2011-05-21T20:49:24Z")
If my spouse walked around the house raging about an ex- yeah that would bother me that his feelings were still so strong. Not because it meant he still had feelings about his ex, but because he could be someone who can’t let something go, and that is not a pleasant trait to be around. However, simply wanting to avoid a party because seeing the ex would dredge up old hurts and would be uncomfortable and and awkward wouldn’t bother me at all. I might think it’s a small thing, but I’m not in his skin and to what degree it would matter to him. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2011, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-your-spouse-declined-an-invitation-because-a-certain-ex-was/582360/31 "2011-05-21T21:37:32Z")
> [@Chessic\_Sense](#): > > It’s an invitation, not an obligation, so you don’t have to go. You can justify this with ANY reason and it’s OK. If it were your cousin’s wedding or your grandmother’s 90th birthday, then you’re obligated to go and you have to just deal with the ex. I’m have far too many cousins to concede that I’m obliged to go to any of their weddings. 😉 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-your-spouse-declined-an-invitation-because-a-certain-ex-was/582360.md?page=1)