# Would people be expected to come to a funeral? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 5, 2020, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-people-be-expected-to-come-to-a-funeral/853209 "2020-05-05T19:25:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Dunmurry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d2c977/32.png) [@Dunmurry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dunmurry)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2020, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-people-be-expected-to-come-to-a-funeral/853209/1 "2020-05-05T19:25:32Z")
Well I remember that someone said people might come to a funeral who you wouldn’t expect or didn’t come and there might be people there who they wouldn’t have expected and there wouldn’t be people there who they would have thought would have been there and my aunt died a few years ago and her husband’s brother didn’t come he had a stroke a few years ago and someone said maybe his partner told him not to come of course she could have brought him in the car or another aunt might show up and say something odd alternatively maybe a mother wouldn’t go to her sons funeral because they hadn’t spoken for years? Or a woman to her former husband’s or if someone’s aunt died so is this odd in fact? ---
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2020, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-people-be-expected-to-come-to-a-funeral/853209/2 "2020-05-05T20:19:35Z")
That is a very long, convoluted sentence. Do people stay home that you think might (or should) or should attend? Certainly, and each has his own reasons. My uncle cared for his mother through all the stages of Alzheimers. Every day, for years. One of eleven children, and he didn’t come to the funeral. He said he couldn’t bear it. Two weeks ago we buried my 2 yr old great-nephew. My brother, and my nephew (the baby’s father) are dead. One of my sisters is in the middle of cancer treatment, with no immune system. Her twin is also not terribly healthy, and an asthmatic. Neither attended. I did. Don’t put your expectations on someone else. You don’t know what’s going on in their mind and heart. You may not have insights into their relationship with the deceased. Personally, when I die, I would rather there not be a visitation at a funeral home. I’d like a funeral Mass, because that’s my faith. But I don’t care who attends. It’s not a popularity contest. StG ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2020, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-people-be-expected-to-come-to-a-funeral/853209/3 "2020-05-05T21:41:09Z")
If you don’t go to other peoples funerals, they won’t come to yours. Simple as that. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2020, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-people-be-expected-to-come-to-a-funeral/853209/4 "2020-05-05T21:45:12Z")
Health problems, old emotional scars, unable to deal with grief, issues with traveling, etc. Unless someone comes right out and says, “I’m glad so-and-so’s dead,” it’s dangerous to read anything into whether they attend the funeral. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2020, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-people-be-expected-to-come-to-a-funeral/853209/5 "2020-05-05T21:50:14Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > If you don’t go to other peoples funerals, they won’t come to yours. Simple as that. Jerks, all of them. ---
**Author:** ![susan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/susan/32/17537_2.png) [@susan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2020, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-people-be-expected-to-come-to-a-funeral/853209/6 "2020-05-05T22:02:53Z")
I’m having trouble following why this needed a new thread. Isn’t it a question that’s still about your old thread? Not being snarky–I’m genuinely confused. ---
**Author:** ![Bijou\_Drains](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bijou_drains/32/2814_2.png) [@Bijou\_Drains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bijou_Drains)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2020, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-people-be-expected-to-come-to-a-funeral/853209/7 "2020-05-05T23:45:18Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > If you don’t go to other peoples funerals, they won’t come to yours. Simple as that. That was said by Yogi Berra. Similar to his saying “it gets late early out there” or “I never said most of the things I said” ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2020, 8:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-people-be-expected-to-come-to-a-funeral/853209/8 "2020-05-06T08:35:08Z")
> [@StGermain](#): > > That is a very long, convoluted sentence. Understatement of the century. ---
**Author:** ![nobody\_s\_poet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/8c91f0/32.png) [@nobody\_s\_poet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nobody_s_poet)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2020, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-people-be-expected-to-come-to-a-funeral/853209/9 "2020-05-07T03:31:40Z")
> [@StGermain](#): > > That is a very long, convoluted sentence. > > StG I’m not making light of the subject, but that remark made me laugh so hard I cried. It was the perfect observation, along with the thoughtful comments. ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2020, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-people-be-expected-to-come-to-a-funeral/853209/10 "2020-05-07T03:39:38Z")
> [@susan](#): > > I’m having trouble following why this needed a new thread. Isn’t it a question that’s still about your old thread? Not being snarky–I’m genuinely confused. Yes, this seemed to be the same basic question in the OP’s other thread. And, the consensus answer there was the answer I’ll repeat here: just because another person doesn’t mourn the same way you do, or does or doesn’t attend a funeral, it means that they are _ **different** _ from you, not that they’re “odd.” ---
**Author:** ![rowrrbazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rowrrbazzle/32/414_2.png) [@rowrrbazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rowrrbazzle)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2020, 6:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-people-be-expected-to-come-to-a-funeral/853209/11 "2020-05-11T06:03:23Z")
> [@stgermain](#): > > that is a very long, convoluted sentence. TFP;DR[sup]§[/sup] § Too few periods. Didn’t read. ---
**Author:** ![cornflakes2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/53a042/32.png) [@cornflakes2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cornflakes2)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2020, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-people-be-expected-to-come-to-a-funeral/853209/12 "2020-05-11T06:09:22Z")
Let’s be honest here. You going to the dead person’s funeral means NOTHING to the person that died. They are dead. They won’t know or care. Going to the funeral is not for the sake of the person in the coffin. It’s for everyone else’s sake, including your own. So I wish people wouldn’t make such a big deal out of not attending someone’s funeral. It’s for your own personal mourning or way to have closure OR it’s just a social obligation to uphold to keep your status in everyone else’s eye in good standing. This isn’t like the old days when facebook first started and you’d post that it’s your birthday today and wait anxiously to be embarrassed that only 5 people liked your post even though you have 350 friends in your list. ---
**Author:** ![nelliebly](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nelliebly/32/5422_2.png) [@nelliebly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nelliebly)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2020, 7:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-people-be-expected-to-come-to-a-funeral/853209/13 "2020-05-11T07:43:30Z")
> [@cornflakes2](#): > > Let’s be honest here. You going to the dead person’s funeral means NOTHING to the person that died. They are dead. They won’t know or care. > Going to the funeral is not for the sake of the person in the coffin. It’s for everyone else’s sake, including your own. > > So I wish people wouldn’t make such a big deal out of not attending someone’s funeral. It’s for your own personal mourning or way to have closure OR it’s just a social obligation to uphold to keep your status in everyone else’s eye in good standing. > This isn’t like the old days when facebook first started and you’d post that it’s your birthday today and wait anxiously to be embarrassed that only 5 people liked your post even though you have 350 friends in your list. No, attending a funeral is also for the sake of the dead person’s loved ones. Sure, if you knew the deceased well, it gives you an opportunity for closure, but it’s not “just a social obligation” and has nothing to do with status. I suspect you’ve never suffered the death of anyone you loved dearly. Grief can be a very lonely journey, and having the physical presence of people who care enough about you and/or the dead person to attend the funeral or memorial service is usually a comfort. During the COVID crisis, most grieving people can’t have funerals, and experts say it’s making the loss even harder on them. ---
**Author:** ![GuanoLad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guanolad/32/42_2.png) [@GuanoLad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GuanoLad)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2020, 9:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-people-be-expected-to-come-to-a-funeral/853209/14 "2020-05-11T09:03:27Z")
When my mother’s parents died, i.e. my Nana and Granddad (separately, about four years apart), when I was under 10yrs, she didn’t want any of us kids to go to their funerals. We stayed with a neighbour. The next family funeral, for my cousin who was 21 and died from a fall, I was 13 and didn’t feel I was ready to deal with it. Since then I have been to every funeral I felt I needed to or could easily get to. My brother died last year, and though his funeral was a huge affair with hundreds attending (because he was a bit of a big deal it turns out, much to our surprise), I was still expecting a lot more of his childhood friends to show up than did. But travel may be easy and cheap, it’s not always practical at short notice. I forgive anyone who couldn’t make it, especially if they send cards etc in their stead. ---
**Author:** ![Dunmurry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d2c977/32.png) [@Dunmurry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dunmurry)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2020, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-people-be-expected-to-come-to-a-funeral/853209/15 "2020-05-19T16:49:00Z")
I forgot to say that I was looking for reasons people wouldn’t come. But it doesn’t really matter. It’s just that some people might feel under pressure to come or telling someone not to come. When my uncle died his ex-wife didn’t come but his children did. But do you think that it doesn’t matter if people you would expect don’t come to it? That it is not a major deal in fact? ---
**Author:** ![dorvann](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/df705f/32.png) [@dorvann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dorvann)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2020, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-people-be-expected-to-come-to-a-funeral/853209/16 "2020-05-19T20:45:55Z")
> [@Bijou\_Drains](#): > > That was said by Yogi Berra. Similar to his saying “it gets late early out there” or “I never said most of the things I said” Don’t forget “No one goes to that restaurant anymore. It’s too crowd.” Or “If you come to a fork in the road take it.” or when asked how to cut his pizza–“You better make 4 pieces; I don’t think I can eat 6.” ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2020, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-people-be-expected-to-come-to-a-funeral/853209/17 "2020-05-19T21:26:03Z")
> [@Dunmurry](#): > > But do you think that it doesn’t matter if people you would expect don’t come to it? That it is not a major deal in fact? I do not think it is a major deal. As has been noted by everyone who’s already posted in this thread (and your earlier thread), if there is someone who is offended/upset/angered by the absence of a particular person at a funeral, it’s the offended person who has an issue. I’ve spent the past 30 years dealing with a mother-in-law and a sister-in-law who both live their lives being continually offended, disappointed, or angered by other people’s actions. Both of them are angry, bitter, sad, lonely people, and both of them have very few friends (because, sooner or later, every “friend” of theirs pisses them off, and gets written out of their lives). The lesson: if one is spending one’s life looking for reasons to be offended by the actions (or inactions) of others, you’ll definitely find those reasons, and it’ll poison your soul. ---
**Author:** ![dorvann](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/df705f/32.png) [@dorvann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dorvann)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2020, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-people-be-expected-to-come-to-a-funeral/853209/18 "2020-05-19T23:07:28Z")
> [@kenobi\_65](#): > > I do not think it is a major deal. As has been noted by everyone who’s already posted in this thread (and your earlier thread), if there is someone who is offended/upset/angered by the absence of a particular person at a funeral, it’s the offended person who has an issue. > > I’ve spent the past 30 years dealing with a mother-in-law and a sister-in-law who both live their lives being continually offended, disappointed, or angered by other people’s actions. Both of them are angry, bitter, sad, lonely people, and both of them have very few friends (because, sooner or later, every “friend” of theirs pisses them off, and gets written out of their lives). The lesson: if one is spending one’s life looking for reasons to be offended by the actions (or inactions) of others, you’ll definitely find those reasons, and it’ll poison your soul. Relevant clip: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whNDMnr17yM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whNDMnr17yM) Captain Jean-Luc Picard: "When one has been angry for a very long time, one gets used to it. And it becomes comfortable, like… like old leather. And finally… becomes so familiar that one can’t ever remember feeling any other way.’ ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2020, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-people-be-expected-to-come-to-a-funeral/853209/19 "2020-05-20T00:23:46Z")
> [@dorvann](#): > > Relevant clip: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whNDMnr17yM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whNDMnr17yM) > > Captain Jean-Luc Picard: > "When one has been angry for a very long time, one gets used to it. And it becomes comfortable, like… like old leather. And finally… becomes so familiar that one can’t ever remember feeling any other way.’ Exactly so.