# Would y’all like to be in my porn film? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 4, 2013, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-y-all-like-to-be-in-my-porn-film/675427 "2013-12-04T02:16:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![hapkido1996](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f17d59/32.png) [@hapkido1996](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hapkido1996)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-y-all-like-to-be-in-my-porn-film/675427/21 "2013-12-04T14:18:24Z")
> [@Slithy\_Tove](#): > > How about the definitive recreation of Louis XIV’s anal fistula operation (albeit featuring a life-size unicorn instead of the actual surgical instruments) with a 1970’s Funk soundtrack? Louis XVI couldn’t even do Marie Antoinette until he had his whanger sliced. I am not volunteering for this film, just to be clear. ---
**Author:** ![corkboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-y-all-like-to-be-in-my-porn-film/675427/22 "2013-12-04T14:22:14Z")
Well, I voted yes but it looks like it’s going to be gay porn, as there are currently zero female dopers interested. That’s OK- my ‘yes’ vote was going to be conditional on having Daniel Craig there for my wife, which is unlikely to happen. So she and I will just make our own video, again. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-y-all-like-to-be-in-my-porn-film/675427/23 "2013-12-04T14:42:56Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > I call dibs on the cantelope of legal age. Your Indian name shall be “Melon Baller”. ---
**Author:** ![not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_what_you_d_expect/32/3246_2.png) [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_what_you_d_expect)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-y-all-like-to-be-in-my-porn-film/675427/24 "2013-12-04T14:57:02Z")
You do not want to see what gravity has done to my body. He’ll, I don’t even look. Maybe if I could lie down with my arms over my head the whole time. ---
**Author:** ![Washoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ecae2f/32.png) [@Washoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Washoe)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-y-all-like-to-be-in-my-porn-film/675427/25 "2013-12-04T15:52:04Z")
> [@Sr\_Siete](#): > > Whaaaat kind of cantaloupe? Damn. Everybody knows how to spell ‘cantaloupe’ but me. > [@corkboard](#): > > Well, I voted yes but it looks like it’s going to be gay porn, as there are currently zero female dopers interested. > > That’s OK- my ‘yes’ vote was going to be conditional on having Daniel Craig there for my wife, which is unlikely to happen. So she and I will just make our own video, again. It needn’t be a sausagefest if you don’t want it to be. As we’ve already indicated, we have a multi-billion dollar budget entirely at your disposal. We will attempt to hire anybody of your choosing. I’ve seen the Doper photo album, and believe me, I wouldn’t want to see these guys’ flags flapping in the breeze any more than you would. The whole point of this exercise is to find out if _you_ are willing to do porn. As we’ve already seen, about 75% of Dopers wouldn’t care if their daughter were doing porn, once they’ve firmly established that there is no duress involved. Opinions seem to be somewhat less latitudinarian when Dopers’ _moms_ were hypothetically at the business end of a 70mm lens, but still leaned towards a sort of laissez-faire-type acceptance. In order to curry the greatest number of unbiased responses, we have gone to Herculean lengths to eliminate any conceivable rational obstacles to your participation in our epic production. This will be a DeMillian extravaganza bar none. Money is no object. I will contact my production team and see if amateur footage of you and your wife would be eligible for inclusion, and what the pay scale is for that type of contribution. The point of this exercise is to see if you are willing to let the entire world have one-click access to footage of you and your significant human/animal/Cucurbitaceae/hand puppet doing the nasty, and what your price is. ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-y-all-like-to-be-in-my-porn-film/675427/26 "2013-12-04T17:23:48Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > I call dibs on the cantelope of legal age. But it must not be legal age if it can’t elope. ETA: I said no. A porn shoot is one of those things that is probably way better in one’s mind than in reality. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-y-all-like-to-be-in-my-porn-film/675427/27 "2013-12-04T18:16:12Z")
> [@PSXer](#): > > hell yeah > > I wanna bang an asian girl +1 ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-y-all-like-to-be-in-my-porn-film/675427/28 "2013-12-04T18:35:35Z")
Damn I have to decline. I have no moral objections and I certainly have the talent but I think this will violate the outside employment clause of my contract. You just aren’t paying enough for me to lose my job and pension. ---
**Author:** ![Inner\_Stickler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inner_stickler/32/318_2.png) [@Inner\_Stickler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inner_Stickler)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-y-all-like-to-be-in-my-porn-film/675427/29 "2013-12-04T19:29:57Z")
Haha! Yes, I would like to spend 8 hours naked surrounded by a bunch of judgemental people holding cameras and mikes, holding one uncomfortable position after another for extended periods of time with short moments of actual fucking between them. Pass. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-y-all-like-to-be-in-my-porn-film/675427/30 "2013-12-04T21:59:20Z")
> [@hapkido1996](#): > > Louis XVI couldn’t even do Marie Antoinette until he had his whanger sliced. I am not volunteering for this film, just to be clear. It’s not established that an actual operation was required. Just some tutelage by a foreign dignitary; either the Austrian ambassador Count Beterhoffer, or the Russian Prince Dzerkinov. ---
**Author:** ![Furious\_Marmot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/dfb087/32.png) [@Furious\_Marmot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Furious_Marmot)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-y-all-like-to-be-in-my-porn-film/675427/31 "2013-12-04T22:08:40Z")
100 grand (60-70 after taxes) to trash my career? Are you nuts? I’ve got a mortgage to think about. However, if you need a writer… Everybody likes wooly rhinoceroses in zero -G, right? ---
**Author:** ![Washoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ecae2f/32.png) [@Washoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Washoe)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-y-all-like-to-be-in-my-porn-film/675427/32 "2013-12-04T22:39:59Z")
> [@Furious\_Marmot](#): > > 100 grand (60-70 after taxes) to trash my career? Are you nuts? I’ve got a mortgage to think about. It works out to $12,500/hour, maximum compensation. But that is the _maximum_. You are also free to donate your services if you so desire. However, this being the Dope and all, we know that some of you are going to write fantastically complex scripts for yourselves involving a three-way on the bridge, followed by a little Away Team hanky-panky with some green-skinned something-or-other, followed by some sort of full exploration of Data’s programming capabilities (or those of his Evil Twin™ sister Loretta), or what have you. It’s a big galaxy, and you people have fertile imaginations. So we fully understand that some sequences may take a month or more to film. That’s at least 20 days at 100k/day, or even more. Do the math. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-y-all-like-to-be-in-my-porn-film/675427/33 "2013-12-04T22:40:25Z")
Well, as long as it’s lunch paid… ---
**Author:** ![Washoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ecae2f/32.png) [@Washoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Washoe)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-y-all-like-to-be-in-my-porn-film/675427/34 "2013-12-04T22:45:17Z")
We even pay _for your lunch_. Just submit the appropriate receipts/vouchers to HR by the end of the month. ---
**Author:** ![Sr\_Siete](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6de8d8/32.png) [@Sr\_Siete](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sr_Siete)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-y-all-like-to-be-in-my-porn-film/675427/35 "2013-12-04T23:37:05Z")
> [@Inner\_Stickler](#): > > Haha! > > Yes, I would like to spend 8 hours naked surrounded by a bunch of judgemental people holding cameras and mikes, holding one uncomfortable position after another for extended periods of time with short moments of actual fucking between them. > > Pass. Wait… There are _other ways_ of having sex? ---
**Author:** ![hapkido1996](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f17d59/32.png) [@hapkido1996](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hapkido1996)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2013, 11:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-y-all-like-to-be-in-my-porn-film/675427/36 "2013-12-05T11:12:29Z")
> [@Slithy\_Tove](#): > > It’s not established that an actual operation was required. Just some tutelage by a foreign dignitary; either the Austrian ambassador Count Beterhoffer, or the Russian Prince Dzerkinov. Conceded, but the phimosis explanation seems most plausible to me. YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2013, 11:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-y-all-like-to-be-in-my-porn-film/675427/37 "2013-12-05T11:46:30Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > Your Indian name shall be “Melon Baller”. _golf clap_ ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2013, 11:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-y-all-like-to-be-in-my-porn-film/675427/38 "2013-12-05T11:49:19Z")
I’d do it, except my boyfriend would kill me, and he’d have no part in it anyway. Maybe if it was just a solo jack off session, he wouldn’t mind. Is that ok? If so then yes, I’d jack off on camera for $100,000 even if it meant everyone saw it and watched it and knew about it. It wouldn’t hurt my present career at all I don’t think. ETA: If jacking off doesn’t make a porn, what about some weird fetish porn? Where I wear a mask and lick furniture or something? ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2013, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-y-all-like-to-be-in-my-porn-film/675427/39 "2013-12-05T14:17:08Z")
Do you guys have _any_ girls signed up? Just curious. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Washoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ecae2f/32.png) [@Washoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Washoe)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2013, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-y-all-like-to-be-in-my-porn-film/675427/40 "2013-12-05T20:58:45Z")
> [@drewtwo99](#): > > I’d do it, except my boyfriend would kill me, and he’d have no part in it anyway. Maybe if it was just a solo jack off session, he wouldn’t mind. Is that ok? If so then yes, I’d jack off on camera for $100,000 even if it meant everyone saw it and watched it and knew about it. It wouldn’t hurt my present career at all I don’t think. > > ETA: If jacking off doesn’t make a porn, what about some weird fetish porn? Where I wear a mask and lick furniture or something? You wanna barbeque solo, have at it. Quite frankly, if you can jackhammer away for seven and a half hours straight, we’ll contact Guinness for you. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-y-all-like-to-be-in-my-porn-film/675427.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-y-all-like-to-be-in-my-porn-film/675427.md?page=3)