# Would you avoid an intimate relationship with someone who was hard core online gamer or role player? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 11, 2009, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-avoid-an-intimate-relationship-with-someone-who-was-hard-core-online-gamer-or-role-player/506030 "2009-08-11T04:32:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![nikonikosuru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5f8ce5/32.png) [@nikonikosuru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nikonikosuru)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2009, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-avoid-an-intimate-relationship-with-someone-who-was-hard-core-online-gamer-or-role-player/506030/41 "2009-08-11T20:13:03Z")
> [@perfectparanoia](#): > > If you do anything all the time, it is probably a bad idea. Getting into a serious relationship with someone who does something without you all the time, probably not so hot either. This, exactly. > [@ArrMatey](#): > > (I’m a role-player. Am I ‘hardcore’? Well, I dunno. It’s a hobby I enjoy and do in my spare time, but if people around me want to do other things, I’ll do other things. _shrug_ Dunno where that puts me in the spectrum.) I wouldn’t worry about what part of the spectrum you fall in, not like after a certain amount you’ll be branded with a scarlet “G” :p. It looks like everyone here falls into some area of it but really, like many dopers have pointed out, it’s probably not so much about gaming rather than the significant other devoting a chunk of their time to one hobby that doesn’t appeal to the other person. But if you’re able to find a person who is on the same level with you and enjoys the hobby as much as you do, then rock on. ---
**Author:** ![Gleena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b3f665/32.png) [@Gleena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gleena)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2009, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-avoid-an-intimate-relationship-with-someone-who-was-hard-core-online-gamer-or-role-player/506030/42 "2009-08-11T22:27:38Z")
> [@CookingWithGas](#): > > Do you consider yourselves “hard core” or just “avid”? The fact that you enjoy it together is key, and it doesn’t sound like you are blinded to other aspects of life (i.e., having children). And it is true that many people piss away hours every night in watching television, which is an extremely passive activity; at least gaming is participative. > > The analogy to sports is reasonable; lots of wives lose their husband a day a week to the golf course, or a few hours each weekend to football games on TV. When I played in a band that was one evening for practice a week and a couple of gigs a month. > > But “hard core” gamers are probably gaming in time measured in hours on a daily basis, and completely engrossed during the activity. So it’s a rare mate that can live with that. This is a discussion we have in my house in the context on online gaming from time to time. I’d say we’d be considered hard core in the real world - because we do play for several hours at a time, mostly on weekends, particularly while our kid is away at his Yu Gi Oh tournament (are you spotting the nerd trend in my house yet? :D). Of course, we also get housework done, grocery shop, all the stuff that other people do, go to the gym, husband getting his MBA, all that. It’s the abscence of TV, I suspect, that gives us time to do that. (For the record, we’re not all holier than thou about not watching TV, but in this context it makes sense to mention we have more free hours than someone who watches an average amount, and we do occasionally watch a DVD movie. I know people on this board who mention they don’t watch TV get a lot of flack, so I seldom bring it up, here or in real life.) In the gaming world, in WoW specifically, we’re not hard core. I only play with my guild (team) 3 nights a week, for 3 hours each time, from 8-11pm. This is when I’m fully into the game and really don’t want to be distracted, because we’re doing difficult things and trying to coordinate 25 people. Most people in my guild are grownups with jobs and lives and kids, too. By that time in the evening, my son (a teenager) has done his homework and all that, and is reading or playing games on his own before bed, the dishes are done, everything is sorted for the day. I know hard core raiders who raid every single night for five or six hours. Those guys are hard core, in context of WoW, looking to be the first to do something on the server, see new content first, etc. I’ll play that long on a Saturday, sometimes more, sometimes not at all - sometimes we’ve got a tabletop game going, sometimes I’m surfing the net instead. So I’m not sure where the line is between hard core and avid, and I’m not sure it matters. This works for us as a family, we all enjoy it. Its cool to play Diablo as a family, we have heaps of fun. We usually end up laughing at the end of it. It was cool when my son was younger to run basic hack n slash DnD games, it taught him to add and subtract, to follow the rules, and it was heaps of fun for him to pretend to be a big scary barbarian, kicking down the door, looting the room. I know the stereotypes of gamers - unwashed nerds in a parents basement, unable to sustain long term relationships, putting games above all else - and of course such people exist, because if not it wouldn’t be a stereotype. But I’ve known very few of them in my years gaming, and I’ve been gaming since I was a young teen. Most of the hard core or avid gamers I know are just like us. All that said, if you don’t get gaming, if you’d rather play sports or watch movies or grow a garden or anything else you’re into, then you really ARE better off to avoid a relationship with a gamer…or anybody else who has a passion that you just don’t get. ---
**Author:** ![Kayeby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9de0a6/32.png) [@Kayeby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kayeby)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2009, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-avoid-an-intimate-relationship-with-someone-who-was-hard-core-online-gamer-or-role-player/506030/43 "2009-08-12T05:19:19Z")
My husband usually plays WoW several hours a night (more on weekends) and is MT of a raiding guild. He also has a very successful career, goes to the gym twice a week, rock climbs, is studying for his Masters in Enterprise Architecture, and is about to start Brazilian Jiu Jitsu with me. I hardly ever feel neglected for WoW, and the couple of times that I’ve felt ignored he’s been willing to quit the raid to spend time with me. It helps that I’m a homebody, and happy to browse the net, bake, or read a book while he’s raiding. All things being equal I’d probably be a lot more compatible with a hardcore gamer than an avid mountaineer or a social butterfly. So no, it isn’t a dealbreaker for me by any means, unless the guy exhibits the stereotypes associated with hardcore gaming (lack of hygiene, no friends, poor social skills, overweight or super weedy, etc). ---
**Author:** ![Elyanna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b5ac83/32.png) [@Elyanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elyanna)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2009, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-avoid-an-intimate-relationship-with-someone-who-was-hard-core-online-gamer-or-role-player/506030/44 "2009-08-12T05:35:40Z")
If that’s basically ALL he did? Yes, I would avoid him. I like to get out of the house with my SO occasionally. I like to have a bit of variety in my conversation. But if it doesn’t consume his life, then I’m just fine with it. I play games too, after all. A distant acquaintance of mine is consumed by WoW. She has a young son whom she neglects for the game–the kid is way behind in language learning for his age. _That_ is wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2009, 6:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-avoid-an-intimate-relationship-with-someone-who-was-hard-core-online-gamer-or-role-player/506030/45 "2009-08-12T06:56:17Z")
> [@ArrMatey](#): > > I’m wondering (and not in a sarcastic way; actually wondering) if the people making said judgements also judge other people, sight-unseen, on their choice of hobbies? I’ve told this anecdote before. 5 years ago, I got pinkslipped; I’d been in a large project and afterwards the company couldn’t figure out what to do with me (or with about half of the people in the project, actually). Part of the compensation was the services of a company to help me find the next job. I was talking with one of their advisors and he asked me “what questions do you find particularly difficult?” Me: the one about your hobbies. If I say “reading, movies, going for walks,” then it sounds like I’m unable to work in teams; if I mention that I like the theater it sounds like I’m trying to be inthallakthual; if I mention the sports I like… well, most people who’ve never performed them have strange ideas about the sports I like. He: well, yeah, you do have a point there, but it really isn’t that bad, let’s see… Me (channeling Miss Piggy at her most innocent): how many of your coworkers know _that_ is a shinai, by the way? (pointing to a long green nylon sleeve sheath that was leaning against the wall) He: :eek::eek::eek::eek:⭕o:o:o:o:o:o Lord, NONE! I go to the dojo on Fridays… they think it’s a fishing rod. Me: the reason I’ve been able to recognize a long, green, nylon sheath as being for a wooden practice sword is that I’ve seen one before, so stop trying to hide under the table. Now tell me, what would your coworkers think if they heard “martial arts” or “swordfighting” from a candidate? Yeah, people judge others on their hobbies without knowing anything about said hobbies all the time. ---
**Author:** ![Jragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Jragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jragon)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2009, 7:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-avoid-an-intimate-relationship-with-someone-who-was-hard-core-online-gamer-or-role-player/506030/46 "2009-08-12T07:13:50Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > I’ve told this anecdote before. > > 5 years ago, I got pinkslipped; I’d been in a large project and afterwards the company couldn’t figure out what to do with me (or with about half of the people in the project, actually). Part of the compensation was the services of a company to help me find the next job. > > I was talking with one of their advisors and he asked me “what questions do you find particularly difficult?” > Me: the one about your hobbies. If I say “reading, movies, going for walks,” then it sounds like I’m unable to work in teams; if I mention that I like the theater it sounds like I’m trying to be inthallakthual; if I mention the sports I like… well, most people who’ve never performed them have strange ideas about the sports I like. > He: well, yeah, you do have a point there, but it really isn’t that bad, let’s see… > Me (channeling Miss Piggy at her most innocent): how many of your coworkers know _that_ is a shinai, by the way? (pointing to a long green nylon sleeve sheath that was leaning against the wall) > He: :eek::eek::eek::eek:⭕o:o:o:o:o:o Lord, NONE! I go to the dojo on Fridays… they think it’s a fishing rod. > Me: the reason I’ve been able to recognize a long, green, nylon sheath as being for a wooden practice sword is that I’ve seen one before, so stop trying to hide under the table. Now tell me, what would your coworkers think if they heard “martial arts” or “swordfighting” from a candidate? > > Yeah, people judge others on their hobbies without knowing anything about said hobbies all the time. [slightly off-topic]How do you mistake a shinai for a fishing rod? I’ll admit, I probably wouldn’t have been able to NAME it (always got it confused with a bokken myself), but it’s a pretty distinct shape and look. Granted I’ve been looking for a kendo dojo so I’m probably still not too typical about this…[/ot] ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2009, 8:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-avoid-an-intimate-relationship-with-someone-who-was-hard-core-online-gamer-or-role-player/506030/47 "2009-08-12T08:12:00Z")
It’s a long sheath, very loose, so all you can see is that there is something long and thin inside. Since his coworkers had never even heard of shinais, and they had heard of fishing rods but never used one, he was able to fool them. ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2009, 8:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-avoid-an-intimate-relationship-with-someone-who-was-hard-core-online-gamer-or-role-player/506030/48 "2009-08-12T08:43:46Z")
Anyone who neglects an actual flesh-and-blood woman in favour of a videogame deserves to have their desperately horny 17 year old self appear suddenly through a time portal and punch them really hard in the cock. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2009, 10:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-avoid-an-intimate-relationship-with-someone-who-was-hard-core-online-gamer-or-role-player/506030/49 "2009-08-12T10:10:02Z")
> [@astro](#): > > In looking at how online gaming and role paying environments can consume a person’s life, would man or woman being a hard core online gamer, or a really invested Second Life etc. role player make you avoid them as a potential date or person with whom you would consider having a serious relationship? I’ve seen guys who were like that, but only while they were single. The second they got a girlfriend, their gaming habits shrank to manageable proportions. I also saw a lot of hybrid playing: play the game for a little bit while cuddling, and after reaching a stopping point, taking time out to talk to each other, and more intimate activities. Then get the girl to play with, but doing something fairly innocuous. Then repeat. They’d do this about three times a week, with one of those nights maybe being alone. The rest of the week, they’d do something out of the house. If the relationship ended, the guy would head back to video gaming alone for a while. But somehow, they would wind up getting another girlfriend, despite almost never leaving the house. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2009, 12:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-avoid-an-intimate-relationship-with-someone-who-was-hard-core-online-gamer-or-role-player/506030/50 "2009-08-12T12:05:44Z")
It depends on how “consuming” it was - and how productive it is. Brainiac4 is a gamer. From dice to Magic to computer and console to board games. But he holds down a good job, drops his game in a second if I show up in lingerie, prioritizes the kids over finishing this level - and his gaming expertise has really been advantageous in his career. I wouldn’t be married to someone (with someone) for whom gaming was an addiction that prevented them from participating in a normal life. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2009, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-avoid-an-intimate-relationship-with-someone-who-was-hard-core-online-gamer-or-role-player/506030/51 "2009-08-12T12:34:02Z")
> [@nikonikosuru](#): > > I really can’t think of any other hobbies that take up chunks of time so noticeably like hardcore gaming. I think that any hobby is good to have but once it crosses over into being “hardcore”, then it tends to affect other aspects of the person’s life. Like I said, gaming just seems to be the most obvious one but if anyone can come up with other examples I’d like to hear them. I have dated guys who would set up 2 TVs on any given saturday/sunday because there were 2 different games on, and they tried to watch both of them at once. I have dated guys who kept fishing poles and tackle boxes in their cars, and they would get _distracted_ on the way somewhere, pull over and start fishing … I have dated guys who would get up at oh my fucking dark 30 and go hunting before work every day in season, and be gone all day on weekends, and would take 3 days off for season opening. mrAru and I play online MMORPGs, EVE online, WOW, and I add in Runes of Magic and I beta test online games on the side. That is our hobby. We turn on the TV, take turns making dinner, and play inline. We both have good gaming computers, so we dont have to share =) and it is what we do instead of sitting on the couch like lumps watching survivor. We also go and do stuff with our nongamer friends [last weekend we went to the Mystic Aquarium, and drove around sightseeing the neat old houses in Stonington. Weekend before that we tried but the place was packed and it started raining, so we went out for BBQ ribs and to hang out chatting with our friends. Weekend before that was fireworks =)] and we will just randomly stop gaming, go out on the deck, turn on the grill and burn an animal for dinner while hanging out in the hot tub =) ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2009, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-avoid-an-intimate-relationship-with-someone-who-was-hard-core-online-gamer-or-role-player/506030/52 "2009-08-12T12:43:39Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > I’d consider it a major plus. Gamers tend to be smart, funny, imaginative, and otherwise pleasant company. There’s options to play together cooperatively or competitively, or to play different games in the same room. Also, a girl that likes online gaming can probably tolerate other games, which would make her a good fit for my family. Most family gatherings include Bridge, Scrabble, Trivial Pursuit, or a casino trip. I cant stand bridge, but Im always down for a good game of trivial pursuit or scrabble. You have pictionary? And which version of trivial pursuit? I find there are some venn subsets going on - SDMB member, Gamer, Witty Person. What is the bomb is getting someone who fits in the corner of all 3 😃 They make fantastic buds to hang with! Ever notice how people who play games can be a lot more cheerful than people who don’t use their imaginations and just sit there watching TV? Isn’t it fantastic being able to discuss conspiracy theory and why it is hysterically funny that people believe the moon shot never happened, the current state of the Red Banner Fleet, Whether or not adding the fat first to mashed potatoes instead of adding the liquid first makes a fluffier smashie and if Julius Caesar or Hannibal Barca would win over Alexander in a 3 way death match … beats the fuck out of whether or not Paula Abdul is quitting this season and who got voted off the island. And yes, the household has at times had discussions as widely ranging as that at small gatherings. [yes adding the fat first makes the smashies fluffier. Has something to do about isolating the starch molecules so they dont all stick together and be gummy.] ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2009, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-avoid-an-intimate-relationship-with-someone-who-was-hard-core-online-gamer-or-role-player/506030/53 "2009-08-12T13:18:17Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > Yeah, people judge others on their hobbies without knowing anything about said hobbies all the time. I sure do. I would assume someone who swordfights is awesome. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2009, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-avoid-an-intimate-relationship-with-someone-who-was-hard-core-online-gamer-or-role-player/506030/54 "2009-08-12T15:20:45Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > I sure do. I would assume someone who swordfights is awesome. I used to fence some, but never very well. Does that make me tedious? ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2009, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-avoid-an-intimate-relationship-with-someone-who-was-hard-core-online-gamer-or-role-player/506030/55 "2009-08-12T16:11:58Z")
Yes, but that’s okay. You can still come to my birthday party. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2009, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-avoid-an-intimate-relationship-with-someone-who-was-hard-core-online-gamer-or-role-player/506030/56 "2009-08-12T16:17:43Z")
If you notice your gift from me is ticking, you may want to open it outside. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2009, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-avoid-an-intimate-relationship-with-someone-who-was-hard-core-online-gamer-or-role-player/506030/57 "2009-08-12T16:18:58Z")
Will do. On the lawn by a group of small children. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2009, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-avoid-an-intimate-relationship-with-someone-who-was-hard-core-online-gamer-or-role-player/506030/58 "2009-08-12T16:27:47Z")
If feasible, you may attempt to also include some sort of small, yappy dog. ---
**Author:** ![ArrMatey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/arrmatey/32/3522_2.png) [@ArrMatey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArrMatey)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2009, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-avoid-an-intimate-relationship-with-someone-who-was-hard-core-online-gamer-or-role-player/506030/59 "2009-08-12T17:34:35Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > I sure do. I would assume someone who swordfights is awesome. I’m not as awsome as all that. Granted, it’s been … Wow… Almost a decade since I levelled a blade at someone… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-avoid-an-intimate-relationship-with-someone-who-was-hard-core-online-gamer-or-role-player/506030.md?page=2)