# Would you consider dating a recovering Alcoholic? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 6, 2009, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142 "2009-01-06T22:23:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/21 "2009-01-07T01:11:27Z")
It would be a big black mark and it would take a lot to balance the scales the other way. When I was dating and I told my date that I didn’t drink, I made sure to give an explanation that it was simply because I don’t like the taste or the feeling of being drunk, not because I have ever had a problem with booze. ---
**Author:** ![Karyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/fbc32d/32.png) [@Karyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karyn)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/22 "2009-01-07T01:25:29Z")
I’ve never been a drinker because I have a lot of alcoholics in my family and I don’t like the feeling of being drunk anyway. My partner had been sober for 2 years when I met him and I did worry about the possibility of him starting to drink again in the future. We lived together for about 5 years before we bought a house together and now he has 16 years sober. I’m sure glad that I took that chance, but I doubt I would have if he hadn’t had a few years under his belt when I met him. I’m lucky that he tolerates my occasional pot smoking. ---
**Author:** ![Rand\_Rover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/db5fbb/32.png) [@Rand\_Rover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rand_Rover)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/23 "2009-01-07T01:27:10Z")
I wouldn’t (I’m married so this is just a hypo for me). I like to drink and I wouldn’t want to feel awkward or pressured to not drink around my date. ---
**Author:** ![gravitycrash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/977dab/32.png) [@gravitycrash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gravitycrash)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/24 "2009-01-07T02:04:37Z")
I should have been more specific. I have no plans to start dating anytime soon. I was thinking along the lines of six months but the majority so far are saying a year. Heck its been well over a year since my last formal date anyway so I think I can wait longer if necessary. Those recovering alcoholics who have talked about changes especially during the first year, can you be more specific? I’m pretty mild mannered, I’m not going to turn into an asshole, am I? ---
**Author:** ![levdrakon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/25 "2009-01-07T02:11:29Z")
Sure, why not? Dating doesn’t mean that much. Some alcoholics just stop drinking, some alcoholics need the universe to revolve around their not drinking anymore. My choice what I’d be willing to put up with. ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/26 "2009-01-07T02:18:45Z")
I had been sober for about a year when my Darling Marcie married me. Thank God for Marcie; she has kept me straight for twelve years now. ---
**Author:** ![lee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lee/32/7455_2.png) [@lee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lee)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/27 "2009-01-07T02:36:27Z")
I married one. He was 6 months sober when we started dating. We celebrate 20 years of marriage this March, and he has been sober the whole time. ---
**Author:** ![appleciders](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85f322/32.png) [@appleciders](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/appleciders)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/28 "2009-01-07T02:38:05Z")
I’m a college student. Who else would I date? Seriously, no, it’s not necessarily a downcheck, but it’s not a good thing either. There are parts of my social life that involve drinking that I’m not really willing to give up, but as long as that’s not an issue for her, I’d consider it. And if she’s really recovering, not relapsing, it shouldn’t be a problem; I’ve dated girls who don’t really drink before and it hasn’t been an issue. ---
**Author:** ![missred](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/missred/32/14096_2.png) [@missred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missred)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/29 "2009-01-07T02:57:27Z")
It would depend on a couple of factors. Time sober. Like others have said, there is a big difference between 5 days sober and 5 years sober. Involvement in a program. I can deal with those in recovery who hit a regular AA meeting to keep themselves in check, but not with someone whose life revolves around it. IME, with most alcoholics, drinking is only a symptom of their problem as a whole. I’ve been with guys in recovery who have worked to resolve the underlying issues and gotten along well with them. I’ve also been with ones who hadn’t done anything but stop drinking and knew right off the bat that there was no way it was going to go anywhere, because they were still pretty screwed up men. YMMV and good wishes in your sobriety. ---
**Author:** ![Phlosphr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Phlosphr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phlosphr)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/30 "2009-01-07T03:13:04Z")
> [@MsRobyn](#): > > To be fair, I know a lot of people – men and women – who ended up divorced over the sober alcoholic’s behavior. There is a lot of selfishness inherent to the process, and more than one person lost their spouse to AA as much as they’d lost them to drinking. In fact, I dated a guy when I was still in AA who had no problems cancelling dates with me in order to attend AA or NA events, and who took lengthy “sponsee” phone calls at dinner. Repeatedly. I told him to get lost and call me back when he was ready for a relationship with some actual relating. > > So it’s not just the “normal” spouse who has problems. > > Robin Very true **MsRobyn** - I forget myself at times and forget to mention the behavior of the alky - to me it is a given that we will make many, many mistakes, those spouses that stay are angels in my opinion. ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/31 "2009-01-07T03:19:25Z")
To actually answer the OP: What **missred** said. From personal experience, anyone whose life revolves around AA/NA/OA or what-have-you is not someone I’d have a relationship with. Not only is there the issue of balancing AA activity versus “personal” time, but there’s the potential for a sponsor to enter the relationship, and that’s never healthy, IME. Robin ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/32 "2009-01-07T03:56:12Z")
I probably would, but only if I committed to starting Al-Anon meetings at the same time. If you don’t understand the problem, you quickly become part of it. ---
**Author:** ![Soul\_Brother\_Number\_Two](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/soul_brother_number_two/32/3515_2.png) [@Soul\_Brother\_Number\_Two](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soul_Brother_Number_Two)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/33 "2009-01-07T03:58:42Z")
I got nothing but: congrats on 15 days, man. Good work. Keep coming back; it works. ---
**Author:** ![Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hazle_Weatherfield)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/34 "2009-01-07T05:25:54Z")
> [@Rand\_Rover](#): > > I wouldn’t (I’m married so this is just a hypo for me). I like to drink and I wouldn’t want to feel awkward or pressured to not drink around my date. Yeah, that’s how I feel, too. ---
**Author:** ![discodancer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9c0ed/32.png) [@discodancer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/discodancer)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/35 "2009-01-07T05:32:40Z")
I would consider dating a recovering alcoholic if he was sober for over five years, and he appeared otherwise stable, which would involve the same criteria for any guy. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 11:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/36 "2009-01-07T11:15:30Z")
> [@Phlosphr](#): > > Coming back to what I said, I should have prefaced that by saying what happened between my wife and I was more the exception than the rule. Basically, I got lucky. > > Most relationships that I have seen do not make it, the “normal” spouse can begin to have problems because they no longer need to protect or take care of the alcoholic, this can lead in several directions. > > And like has been mentioned, major decisions in the first year should be avoided if possible. My SIL (the dead alcoholic) had a co-dependent thing going on with her husband. He protected her from all the fallout of her drinking, and bought her booze so he could control her behavior while she drank. He needed to feel like he had some control over the situation, even though he obviously had very little control over her life or his. So yes, there is a dynamic there that needs to be addressed. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 11:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/37 "2009-01-07T11:21:18Z")
> [@gravitycrash](#): > > I should have been more specific. I have no plans to start dating anytime soon. I was thinking along the lines of six months but the majority so far are saying a year. > > Heck its been well over a year since my last formal date anyway so I think I can wait longer if necessary. Those recovering alcoholics who have talked about changes especially during the first year, can you be more specific? I’m pretty mild mannered, I’m not going to turn into an asshole, am I? THere are plenty of sober assholes out there. Drinking and asshole behavior are not _necessarily_ related. ---
**Author:** ![Idlewild](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8491ac/32.png) [@Idlewild](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Idlewild)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 11:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/38 "2009-01-07T11:32:44Z")
I have only begun to understand in the last few years that my father was/is an alcoholic. And probably a gambling addict. I would not, at this point, willingly engage in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic, because I am not really in a great psychological place to deal with it. Congratulations on fifteen days sober, and good luck with the rest of the days ahead. ---
**Author:** ![gwendee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/35a633/32.png) [@gwendee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gwendee)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 12:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/39 "2009-01-07T12:07:52Z")
It would really have to be decided case by case. I don’t drink and don’t have any regular social activities where drinking is involved. So, if I met (hypothetically, I too am already married) a recovering alcoholic who is smart and funny and likes to go to the movies, sure I’d date him (as long as he doesn’t smoke!!). A friend recently went on a first date with a man she met through a dating site. When the waiter came around for a drink order she asked for a glass of white wine. Her date asked her if she’d mind making another choice as he was in recovery, and in a program. She happily changed her selection. Then asked how long he’d been in the program and his answer was twenty three years. In sharing the story she said that if after 23 years his recovery was still so front and center for him she didn’t think they’d be a good couple. She was also dismayed that in weeks of emailing, including planning the date he didn’t say anything about it. She said it felt like a hoop presented for her to jump through, as a test, in front of the waiter. There were other reasons there wasn’t going to be a second date. ---
**Author:** ![Dunderman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecb155/32.png) [@Dunderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dunderman)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/40 "2009-01-07T12:16:57Z")
Absolutely. I don’t get why so many people seemingly limit their dating pool. To me, everything’s case-to-case. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142.md?page=3)