# Would you consider dating a recovering Alcoholic? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 6, 2009, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142 "2009-01-06T22:23:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 12:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/41 "2009-01-07T12:25:42Z")
> [@gwendee](#): > > It would really have to be decided case by case. I don’t drink and don’t have any regular social activities where drinking is involved. So, if I met (hypothetically, I too am already married) a recovering alcoholic who is smart and funny and likes to go to the movies, sure I’d date him (as long as he doesn’t smoke!!). > > A friend recently went on a first date with a man she met through a dating site. When the waiter came around for a drink order she asked for a glass of white wine. Her date asked her if she’d mind making another choice as he was in recovery, and in a program. She happily changed her selection. Then asked how long he’d been in the program and his answer was twenty three years. > > In sharing the story she said that if after 23 years his recovery was still so front and center for him she didn’t think they’d be a good couple. She was also dismayed that in weeks of emailing, including planning the date he didn’t say anything about it. She said it felt like a hoop presented for her to jump through, as a test, in front of the waiter. There were other reasons there wasn’t going to be a second date. Wow. That’s just insane. Seriously…cuckoo! cuckoo! The fact that he didn’t mention his hang-ups on the site is a huge red flag. ---
**Author:** ![Phlosphr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Phlosphr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phlosphr)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/42 "2009-01-07T12:30:35Z")
> [@Kalhoun](#): > > THere are plenty of sober assholes out there. Drinking and asshole behavior are not _necessarily_ related. There is a saying thay just because you enter AA it doesn’t mean you will be any less an asshole. An Assholio who enters AA can still be a sober assholio. AA has a bit of a slippery slope to it, on one hand it has helped a lot of people, but on the other hand there are so many circumstances that need to come together for it to work - and the very nature of the disease/disorder/addiction gives AAers a lot on their plate when they are getting sober. A new girlfriend/boyfriend can complicate ones recovery, especially in the beginning. Although - another saying says: Live and Let Live. ---
**Author:** ![Dunderman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecb155/32.png) [@Dunderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dunderman)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/43 "2009-01-07T12:35:57Z")
> [@Kalhoun](#): > > Wow. That’s just insane. Seriously…cuckoo! cuckoo! The fact that he didn’t mention his hang-ups on the site is a huge red flag. He definitely should have mentioned it prior to the date, but how is it cuckoo-cuckoo insane? ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/44 "2009-01-07T12:47:58Z")
> [@Priceguy](#): > > He definitely should have mentioned it prior to the date, but how is it cuckoo-cuckoo insane? Because it’s manipulative. If he _really_ can’t be around alcohol after 23 years, then his program didn’t work. He may have gained sobriety, but he’s not functioning in general society and he needs to let his potential make the choice to enter into “his” lifestyle prior to taking her to a drinking venue. To ask a virtual stranger to order something else is incredibly self-centered. The guy sounds like a real control freak to me. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/45 "2009-01-07T16:32:40Z")
I wouldn’t date someone I knew to be an alcoholic, actively drinking or recovered. Alcoholism is something a family hobby, which is the main reason I rarely drink. ---
**Author:** ![GilaB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@GilaB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GilaB)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/46 "2009-01-07T17:38:31Z")
I wouldn’t want to date someone who’d very recently made a big, dramatic change in their life, be it becoming religious (I’m an Orthodox Jew, and while my husband didn’t grow up Orthodox, he’d been so for a decade when we met), giving up an addictive behavior, recently divorcing, etc. I think when someone makes a change that big, they need time to adjust and figure out who they are exactly, and what they want, and until they’ve had about two years of adjustment time, I wouldn’t feel sure that the person had settled down post-change yet. After that, I don’t think it’d be my favorite thing about the guy, but it wouldn’t be a barrier in of itself. Of course, if there are underlying unresolved issues that led the person to drink in the first place, that’s a separate reason to say no. I’m not much of a drinker (one mixed drink in a social setting every 2-3 months, but I could happily give up alcohol forever), so I’d probably be a good partner for someone in recovery in that sense. My husband and I joke that I’ve driven him not to drink, because I don’t, so if he drinks, he’s usually drinking alone and has to finish the whole bottle himself. ---
**Author:** ![gravitycrash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/977dab/32.png) [@gravitycrash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gravitycrash)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/47 "2009-01-07T17:49:57Z")
Judging by a few of the responses here I really don’t think some of you with no alcohol problems can really grasp how bad it can be. If I was on a date and she wanted a glass of wine or whatever, fine by me, I think. I still have time to decide what sort of restrictions I’ll need to put on myself. I can tell you now though, there would be no goodnight kiss even if she wanted to because I would be too afraid of even a taste of alcohol. Another example, when I got home from the hospital I had my mother dump all the booze down the sink but she missed two beers that were still in the fridge. It took me three days to get the nerve to open them and dump them, not because I wanted to drink them but because I was afraid I might smell the beer. I finally just turned on the garbage disposal and held my nose. Yes, that’s how bad it can get. ---
**Author:** ![Apocalypso](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Apocalypso](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Apocalypso)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/48 "2009-01-07T17:52:49Z")
I lived with an alcoholic for 6 years, and I’ve seen a few other family and friends close to me succumb to alcoholism. I don’t ever want to go through that again. If I dated someone who told me she was a recovering alcoholic, she would have had to spend at least a year sober and have to be fairly certain that she wouldn’t start drinking again. ---
**Author:** ![phall0106](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/phall0106/32/5934_2.png) [@phall0106](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phall0106)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/49 "2009-01-07T17:56:43Z")
Initial response would be “sure”, but it would depend on other factors–how long sober (at least a year minimum, and even that is awefully “soon”), and what the rest of his life looks like (employed? Living on his own? How is he health overall?). And, assuming he hasn’t replace one addiction with another. I don’t drink, don’t frequent bars or dance clubs, and don’t tolerate drunks well at all, so no drinking and no alcohol in my life wouldn’t be a problem at all with me. I wouldn’t advise mentioning it in an online dating ad though, although I would recommend stating that you don’t drink at all and are looking for someone who doesn’t drink. People do it with smokers, so why not? In this case, I think it would be absolutely necessary. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/50 "2009-01-07T18:01:44Z")
> [@gravitycrash](#): > > Judging by a few of the responses here I really don’t think some of you with no alcohol problems can really grasp how bad it can be. If I was on a date and she wanted a glass of wine or whatever, fine by me, I think. I still have time to decide what sort of restrictions I’ll need to put on myself. > > I can tell you now though, there would be no goodnight kiss even if she wanted to because I would be too afraid of even a taste of alcohol. Another example, when I got home from the hospital I had my mother dump all the booze down the sink but she missed two beers that were still in the fridge. It took me three days to get the nerve to open them and dump them, not because I wanted to drink them but because I was afraid I might smell the beer. I finally just turned on the garbage disposal and held my nose. > > Yes, that’s how bad it can get. I understand what you’re saying, however, for most long-sober alcoholics, they are able to function among drinkers, for the most part. They may not frequent bars (though some do), but they’re able to go to family functions and restaurants and such and are able to say no to alcohol while others have a few. When you’re talking about people with only a short time of sobriety under their belt, it’s understandable that they have trouble resisting. They haven’t had time to experience life without booze, haven’t learned how to enjoy life without it, and certainly haven’t been able to stop thinking about it as an extension of themselves. ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/51 "2009-01-07T18:53:28Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > Well, as a person who doesn’t drink alcohol and is largely uninterested in it, I might be a good choice for a recovering alcoholic to date. On the other hand, my lack of knowledge about the effects of drunkenness and about handling drunken people might make it a bad idea. So… I wouldn’t say no, but I’d be cautious. This is my exact sentiment. ---
**Author:** ![Dunderman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecb155/32.png) [@Dunderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dunderman)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/52 "2009-01-07T20:28:11Z")
> [@gravitycrash](#): > > Judging by a few of the responses here I really don’t think some of you with no alcohol problems can really grasp how bad it can be. If I was on a date and she wanted a glass of wine or whatever, fine by me, I think. I still have time to decide what sort of restrictions I’ll need to put on myself. > > I can tell you now though, there would be no goodnight kiss even if she wanted to because I would be too afraid of even a taste of alcohol. So she says “would you mind not drinking when you’re with me or are going to be with me later?”, I say “sure”. No big deal. ---
**Author:** ![Dublin11](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Dublin11](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dublin11)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2009, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142/53 "2009-01-07T22:37:42Z")
I wouldn’t go out with a recovering alcoholic. Not because I’ve got any experience of alcoholics, recovering ones or current ones. Just because I know me, I know that I drink and it would constantly be in the back of my mind that I was leading the other person astray. My _actual_ ability to lead someone astray in real life would depend on who that other person was, of course. But seeing as the question is about a new potential relationship, presumably with a person I don’t really know much about yet, I would not know enough about him to know whether or not he could be led. So it would be an instant no no to me. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-a-recovering-alcoholic/480142.md?page=2)