# Would you consider dating someone with herpes? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 19, 2010, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799 "2010-08-19T22:42:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![palacheck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a88e57/32.png) [@palacheck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/palacheck)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/21 "2010-08-20T04:34:08Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > Ew. Can I get HPV from someone’s balls? I swear to God, balls ruin everything. Except the whole creation of life thing.😛 But the answer to your question is yes. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/22 "2010-08-20T04:46:20Z")
> [@palacheck](#): > > > [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > > > Ew. Can I get HPV from someone’s balls? I swear to God, balls ruin everything. > > Except the whole creation of life thing.😛 Children ruin lives. But really, I blame the uterus for that. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/23 "2010-08-20T05:16:39Z")
> [@RandMcnally](#): > > > [@Asimovian](#): > > > > Sure, I’d consider it. I say that with the realization that I don’t know just _how_ difficult it is to prevent transmission, and whether that means there can’t ever be spontaneous sex. But being willing to date someone isn’t the same thing as making a lifetime commitment. So yes, I’d be willing to try, and if things worked out well and we were really into each other, I’m sure we could work out a way to try to keep the transmission issue under control. And if it seemed like too big a hurdle to overcome, then we could go our separate ways. > > See, to me it’s the exact opposite. Why would you open yourself up for infection if you aren’t even going to stay with the person for the rest of your life? Given that a few people in this thread have said that the disease is manageable and have gone decades without transmitting it, I’m not automatically going to rule out a potential mate for that reason. I suppose if I somehow knew ahead of time that the person had no long-term potential for me, it probably wouldn’t be worthwhile. But I’m not sure how I’d know that ahead of time. And again, this is all hypothetical. I haven’t personally encountered anything like that before. ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 8:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/24 "2010-08-20T08:54:34Z")
Would I? I totally did! My last girlfriend had it. We dated for two years. I think in that time she had one minor outbreak, and it was hands off the entire time. If she’d never told me I never would have known, as she only had the one minor outbreak. No, I don’t have herpes. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Accident](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f05b48/32.png) [@Mr.Accident](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Accident)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/25 "2010-08-20T12:20:51Z")
As long as the person is honest and upfront about it when our relationship reaches the point where it’ll matter, sure. Of course I’ve not much time left anyway, so that colors my outlook on life. ---
**Author:** ![Yaxche](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8dc957/32.png) [@Yaxche](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yaxche)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/26 "2010-08-20T15:47:29Z")
I got oral herpes sharing a canteen at a scout camp when I was 13 or 14, so that probably colors my reply, but yes, I would. In some ways, the oral kind is worse and certainly easier to spread. I’m very careful about not sharing drinks/towels/etc. with wife and kids, and so far the wife has never gotten it (16 years together). Oral herpes is certainly just as painful and probably more inconvenient. An outbreak can ruin picture days, job interview, all sorts of social occasions, and aren’t easily covered up. Double whammy for a male who has to shave, but grows scraggly (at best) facial hair, so a beard and mustache isn’t really an option. But they are just sores, slightly inconvenient at times, and certainly no worse for your long term health than shingles or any other type of outbreak. Healthy people with good immune systems can often go years between outbreaks. Seems awfully silly to be worried about to the point of excluding something possibly special from your life… ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/27 "2010-08-20T16:07:11Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > > [@RandMcnally](#): > > > > See, to me it’s the exact opposite. Why would you open yourself up for infection if you aren’t even going to stay with the person for the rest of your life? > > Given that a few people in this thread have said that the disease is manageable and have gone decades without transmitting it, I’m not automatically going to rule out a potential mate for that reason. I suppose if I somehow knew ahead of time that the person had no long-term potential for me, it probably wouldn’t be worthwhile. But I’m not sure how I’d know that ahead of time. > > And again, this is all hypothetical. I haven’t personally encountered anything like that before. With infection rates as high as they are-- and going up- I can’t imagine it’s nearly as easy to manage as folks are suggesting. If it was that easy, it wouldn’t be as prevalent as it is unless a huge percentage of the herpes population is just a bunch of dbags, going around giving people herpes all willy nilly. Call me naive, but I like to think most folks aren’t total assholes. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/28 "2010-08-20T16:30:25Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > With infection rates as high as they are-- and going up- I can’t imagine it’s nearly as easy to manage as folks are suggesting. If it was that easy, it wouldn’t be as prevalent as it is unless a huge percentage of the herpes population is just a bunch of dbags, going around giving people herpes all willy nilly. Call me naive, but I like to think most folks aren’t total assholes. Hi, Naive! I’m Cynical – nice to meet you! Some people are assholes, and some are really, really ignorant. There are lots of largely preventable things out there that don’t get prevented because people don’t think it’ll ever happen to _them_. So I just wouldn’t be surprised to learn that herpes is mostly manageable for the folks who really care about trying. ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/29 "2010-08-20T16:42:16Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > > [@Asimovian](#): > > > > Given that a few people in this thread have said that the disease is manageable and have gone decades without transmitting it, I’m not automatically going to rule out a potential mate for that reason. I suppose if I somehow knew ahead of time that the person had no long-term potential for me, it probably wouldn’t be worthwhile. But I’m not sure how I’d know that ahead of time. > > > > And again, this is all hypothetical. I haven’t personally encountered anything like that before. > > With infection rates as high as they are-- and going up- I can’t imagine it’s nearly as easy to manage as folks are suggesting. If it was that easy, it wouldn’t be as prevalent as it is unless a huge percentage of the herpes population is just a bunch of dbags, going around giving people herpes all willy nilly. Call me naive, but I like to think most folks aren’t total assholes. The gift that keeps on giving. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/30 "2010-08-20T17:03:49Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > > [@Asimovian](#): > > > > Given that a few people in this thread have said that the disease is manageable and have gone decades without transmitting it, I’m not automatically going to rule out a potential mate for that reason. I suppose if I somehow knew ahead of time that the person had no long-term potential for me, it probably wouldn’t be worthwhile. But I’m not sure how I’d know that ahead of time. > > > > And again, this is all hypothetical. I haven’t personally encountered anything like that before. > > With infection rates as high as they are-- and going up- I can’t imagine it’s nearly as easy to manage as folks are suggesting. If it was that easy, it wouldn’t be as prevalent as it is unless a huge percentage of the herpes population is just a bunch of dbags, going around giving people herpes all willy nilly. Call me naive, but I like to think most folks aren’t total assholes. I think most folks are total assholes. 🙂 HIV is more easily preventable than herpes and it still spreads. I think the reason herpes spreads as easily as it does is because: A.) There are a LOT of asymptomatic carriers who have it but don’t know it (remember, these are the types that you’re really likely to catch it from unless you demand a trip to the clinic for every new sexual partner). B.) There are a LOT of people who have it but don’t tell sexual partners because they figure that it’s OK since they’re not currently having a breakout. Now remember that it’s possible for an unknowing asymptomatic carrier to infect an entire group of people without any of those folks developing symptoms yet still spreading it and I think it’s easy to see how easily it spreads even given how preventable it is. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/31 "2010-08-20T17:05:46Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Now remember that it’s possible for an unknowing asymptomatic carrier to infect an entire group of people without any of those folks developing symptoms yet still spreading it and I think it’s easy to see how easily it spreads even given how preventable it is. Gross. Keep your herpes over there, sir. ---
**Author:** ![RainGrowsBrite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ed655f/32.png) [@RainGrowsBrite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RainGrowsBrite)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/32 "2010-08-20T17:14:14Z")
I said No but I feel guilty about it. A close friend of mine has it and Ive seen the sadness she’s gone through. She’s super hot and super smart. Men absolutely flip over her. If she starts a relationship that leads to a sexual situation she will inform them of the scenario and then the guys will bail on the relationship. Its gotten to the point that she might as well wear a sign that says “I have Herpes” to weed out the people that cannot deal with it. She’s even had relationships where the men say theyre ok with it but are then super super paranoid and end up breaking up with her because of the Herpes after she has invested her heart. Its really sad to watch my friend deal with this. I can see the emotional wall getting higher and higher as the years pass. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/33 "2010-08-20T17:15:45Z")
> [@RainGrowsBrite](#): > > Its gotten to the point that she might as well wear a sign that says “I have Herpes” to weed out the people that cannot deal with it. There’s actually a dating website for people who are infected with herpes- though I can’t remember the name. That might be something for her to look into, since I doubt someone else with it is also going to be bothered. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/34 "2010-08-20T18:24:26Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > > [@RainGrowsBrite](#): > > > > Its gotten to the point that she might as well wear a sign that says “I have Herpes” to weed out the people that cannot deal with it. > > There’s actually a dating website for people who are infected with herpes- though I can’t remember the name. That might be something for her to look into, since I doubt someone else with it is also going to be bothered. I have an image of people who can’t find dates elsewhere (who don’t have herpes) using that site as a last resort. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/35 "2010-08-20T18:39:13Z")
Sure. Speaking as a physician who is well-educated about diagnosis and management of STDs, I don’t consider it a big deal. ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/36 "2010-08-20T23:21:37Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > B.) There are a LOT of people who have it but don’t tell sexual partners because they figure that it’s OK since they’re not currently having a breakout. > > Now remember that it’s possible for an unknowing asymptomatic carrier to infect an entire group of people without any of those folks developing symptoms yet still spreading it and I think it’s easy to see how easily it spreads even given how preventable it is. Right. I notice that some people even in this thread seem to be under the impression that it only spreads when the person has active sores. People can shed the virus even while asymptomatic. Someone can have it and sincerely not realize it, but still be infectious to others. Okay, so herpes is not a big deal if you are the one who turns out to be an asymptomatic carrier, but if you’re one of the unlucky ones who does get breakouts it is a much bigger PITA. ---
**Author:** ![InterestedObserver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/838e76/32.png) [@InterestedObserver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InterestedObserver)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/37 "2010-08-21T00:03:28Z")
The question was wouild you consider dating someone with herpes, and I answered yes. Sure, not ideal, but not a deal-breaker imo. And considering the estimated percentage of the population who has it, odds are that you could meet someone, really like them in every other way, and they could have herpes. Sure, a PITA, but not fatal or even all that distressing a condition…it is the same family of viruses which cause chicken pox, shingles, and cold sores, all of which remain chronically in the body for life. I just wouldn’t automatically dismiss someone as having “dating potential” due to this particular infection. esp. since I know it is no indication of their “promiscuity” or other characteristics as a partner…it only takes one time, even being careful, and in fact, can be transmitted WITHOUT fucking, so a virgin could have it. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/38 "2010-08-21T00:04:59Z")
> [@lavenderviolet](#): > > > [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > > > B.) There are a LOT of people who have it but don’t tell sexual partners because they figure that it’s OK since they’re not currently having a breakout. > > > > Now remember that it’s possible for an unknowing asymptomatic carrier to infect an entire group of people without any of those folks developing symptoms yet still spreading it and I think it’s easy to see how easily it spreads even given how preventable it is. > > Right. I notice that some people even in this thread seem to be under the impression that it only spreads when the person has active sores. People can shed the virus even while asymptomatic. Someone can have it and sincerely not realize it, but still be infectious to others. > Okay, so herpes is not a big deal if you are the one who turns out to be an asymptomatic carrier, but if you’re one of the unlucky ones who does get breakouts it is a much bigger PITA. Meaning that some of the people in this thread who claim to have been married for people with herpes for years may actually be asymptomatic themselves. ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 6:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/39 "2010-08-21T06:15:29Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > > [@Rushgeekgirl](#): > > > > No way. > > One of my best friends has had to deal with that for over 20 years. It is a hassle I’d rather not ever have to deal with. Why the heck would I want to risk having to mess with cootchie sores for the rest of my life? > > How much has it hurt his/her ability to find dates? It didn’t because she didn’t tell them. Keep that in mind. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/40 "2010-08-21T07:10:52Z")
> [@Rushgeekgirl](#): > > > [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > > > How much has it hurt his/her ability to find dates? > > It didn’t because she didn’t tell them. Keep that in mind. And you didn’t go tell all of her partners? Watch out for **Dio**! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799.md?page=3)