# Would you consider dating someone with herpes? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 19, 2010, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799 "2010-08-19T22:42:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/41 "2010-08-21T15:18:16Z")
> [@kittenblue](#): > > A very good friend of mine has active herpes. She has been married for 20 years, and with her husband for years before that. They are careful during outbreaks, which she can always feel coming on, and her husband has not gotten herpes in all those years. I think she said she takes the medication that is used during an outbreak, not daily. > > Another friend has asymptomatic herpes…no outbreaks, no symptoms at all, but has the potential to infect someone when the virus is active. But since she has no symptoms, and didn’t even know she had it, she has no idea when to be “safe”. She informed her current partner when they started getting to that point in the relationship, and he educated himself about the slight, very slight, according to the doctor, risk, and decided he was okay with that. After several years, he has not gotten infected. Another guy she was starting to date before her current fellow read all the information, got educated too, but decided he was too afraid. He had other issues, though, too, which made her decide to end it with him herself. > > I have done a ton of reading on the subject myself, and the risk of transmission isn’t as high as you might think. And the severity of outbreaks varies, from horrific to meh. Especially after many, many years of living with the disease. My good friend with the active case says she may only get one or two outbreaks a year, and they are really minor irritations that don’t last long. And they aren’t always on the moist bits, either. > > Since the statistics say that 25% of adults have been exposed to herpes at some point, and many, many of those are totally asymptomatic and may not even have any idea they have been exposed, it seems better to practice safe sex, and be honest, and be realistic and not run screaming from the cooties. You’re more likely to catch the flu from someone…and THAT could actually kill you! What she says. A girlfriend of mine has been married for many years to a man who has it and she’s never gotten it. They’re just careful during outbreaks. It’s been made out to be this leper like disease, but it’s not. I’d be curious to see the ages of the people who answered the poll. I’m guessing young folks are far more likely to be of the “hell no” mentality and vice versa. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/42 "2010-08-21T17:08:30Z")
> [@CanvasShoes](#): > > I’d be curious to see the ages of the people who answered the poll. I’m guessing young folks are far more likely to be of the “hell no” mentality and vice versa. I’m 24. The entire time I was in college, there were all kinds of health bulletins and shit at the school (as well as posters everywhere) warning about the dangers of herpes, talking about 1/4 becoming 1/3 pretty rapidly, and saying how to avoid herpes. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/43 "2010-08-21T18:46:44Z")
[quote=“CanvasShoes, post:41, topic:550799”] > [@kittenblue](#): > > I’d be curious to see the ages of the people who answered the poll. I’m guessing young folks are far more likely to be of the “hell no” mentality and vice versa. I’m 35. I see no reason to expose myself to any disease I don’t have to. ---
**Author:** ![Markxxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@Markxxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Markxxx)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/44 "2010-08-21T19:17:18Z")
I assume the OP is referring to genital herpes ---
**Author:** ![Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carol_the_Impaler)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/45 "2010-08-21T21:15:25Z")
Which is a good question, because I’ve read there is no difference between oral herpes and genital herpes, except where they prefer to hang out. If you’d have no problem dating someone whose ever had a cold sore, there’s no reason you should have any problem dating someone with genital herpes. I think it’s horrible there is so many misconceptions out there about genital herpes. I think it’s horrible what it does to people who have the misfortune of having it (that is, assuming they know they have it). I had a girlfriend freak out and think her dating life was over because she thought she had it. (Turns out she didn’t.) Totally unneccesary. Yes, you have to be upfront. Yes, you have to take precautions. Yes, there are risks if you give birth while having an active outbreak. But let’s be real, people. I’ve gotten cold sores since I was a little girl. Should I become a pariah or undateable because my great aunt Nellie gave me the herpes when I was ten? I would absolutely date someone with herpes, and in fact I have. He took drugs to help with the outbreaks. He never had one the entire time we were together. I’d also like to point out that wearing a condom would have meant nothing in his case as the site of his outbreaks was on his pubic bone, not on his penis. People with herpes are people, too! ---
**Author:** ![Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carol_the_Impaler)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/46 "2010-08-21T21:20:49Z")
[www.herpes.com](http://www.herpes.com/hsv1-2.html) ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/47 "2010-08-21T22:20:50Z")
Possibly. Reading this thread has made me realise that I don’t really have any idea what herpes is. I should probably correct that lack of knowledge, eh? I’m a lesbian and I have a pretty crappy immune system, both of which I guess would put me at higher risk. ---
**Author:** ![Maeglin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Maeglin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maeglin)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/48 "2010-08-21T22:38:44Z")
I did date a girl with herpes a few times. She told me pretty early on, certainly before we had gotten below the belt. Fortunately, we never did. I had a much bigger problem with the fact that she was a highly unpredictable alcoholic. As much as I liked her, I guessed that the relationship would get really toxic really fast. I met the woman I ended up marrying the day after I ended it with Herpes Girl, as I fondly recall her eight years later. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/49 "2010-08-21T22:40:11Z")
> [@niblet\_head](#): > > People with herpes are people, too! People with AIDS are people, too- would you date and be in a sexual relationship with someone with AIDS? Of course and like I said in my reply, I realize that my position is one that is a bit heartless. I’m sure if I had one of these ailments (or any life long disease like that) and folks were outwardly jugmental of me, it would sting, but like **Antinor01** said, why would I choose to date someone with a communicable disease? I also don’t make out with people who have colds, either. ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/50 "2010-08-21T22:48:25Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > > [@niblet\_head](#): > > > > People with herpes are people, too! > > People with AIDS are people, too- would you date and be in a sexual relationship with someone with AIDS? > > Of course and like I said in my reply, I realize that my position is one that is a bit heartless. I’m sure if I had one of these ailments (or any life long disease like that) and folks were outwardly jugmental of me, it would sting, but like **Antinor01** said, why would I choose to date someone with a communicable disease? I also don’t make out with people who have colds, either. I would. It’d be pretty easy for me to avoid getting the virus. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/51 "2010-08-21T22:50:12Z")
> [@scifisam2009](#): > > > [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > > > People with AIDS are people, too- would you date and be in a sexual relationship with someone with AIDS? > > > > Of course and like I said in my reply, I realize that my position is one that is a bit heartless. I’m sure if I had one of these ailments (or any life long disease like that) and folks were outwardly jugmental of me, it would sting, but like **Antinor01** said, why would I choose to date someone with a communicable disease? I also don’t make out with people who have colds, either. > > I would. It’d be pretty easy for me to avoid getting the virus. Particularly in the case of lesbian relationships, no? My understanding is that the transmission rate in lesbian relationships is virtually non existent. For a heterosexual relationship, which is what I’d be in, the odds are much higher (though I understand still not terribly high in general). ---
**Author:** ![Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carol_the_Impaler)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2010, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/52 "2010-08-22T01:05:12Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > > [@niblet\_head](#): > > > > People with herpes are people, too! > > People with AIDS are people, too- would you date and be in a sexual relationship with someone with AIDS? > > Of course and like I said in my reply, I realize that my position is one that is a bit heartless. I’m sure if I had one of these ailments (or any life long disease like that) and folks were outwardly jugmental of me, it would sting, but like **Antinor01** said, why would I choose to date someone with a communicable disease? I also don’t make out with people who have colds, either. AIDS and a genital cold sore are not even remotely in the same class. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2010, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/53 "2010-08-22T01:20:22Z")
> [@Markxxx](#): > > I assume the OP is referring to genital herpes Considering I actually specified that I was, indeed, referring to genital herpes in my OP, yes. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2010, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/54 "2010-08-22T01:29:42Z")
70% of adults in the US already have herpes. Chances are that most of the people saying they wouldn’t date somebody with herpes already have it. If you’ve ever gotten a cold sore, you have herpes. If you’re going to set this kind of bar for who you date, you’re going to be spending a lot of time alone. How do you even go about determining whether a prospective hook up is herpes free? Do you ask them before you date them? Before you fuck them? What’s the process? ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2010, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/55 "2010-08-22T03:11:58Z")
> [@niblet\_head](#): > > > [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > > > People with AIDS are people, too- would you date and be in a sexual relationship with someone with AIDS? > > > > Of course and like I said in my reply, I realize that my position is one that is a bit heartless. I’m sure if I had one of these ailments (or any life long disease like that) and folks were outwardly jugmental of me, it would sting, but like **Antinor01** said, why would I choose to date someone with a communicable disease? I also don’t make out with people who have colds, either. > > AIDS and a genital cold sore are not even remotely in the same class. I also used an example of a cold, which isn’t nearly in the same “badness” class of herpes, so I used both sides of the scale. > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > How do you even go about determining whether a prospective hook up is herpes free? Do you ask them before you date them? Before you fuck them? What’s the process? 1: Like I said, I might be entirely hypocritical in my position and it might not be fair, but it’s my right to decide what criteria I wish to use in deciding who I fuck, **Dio**. 2: We’re not talking about non genital herpes, so the number isn’t 70%. That said, I’ve never had a cold sore, no. 3: And I check my partners for herpes the same way I check them for every STD, colds, and flus-- sure, no method is 100% guaranteed to be effective, but I’d be foolish indeed not to try my best to look out for things and protect myself to the best of my ability. There’s no way of knowing for sure that your partner is clean in every way, but everybody uses various means of estimating the risk and if the risk is worth it. Inquiring about sexual history, testing, visual checks of areas before you stick it in you, etc and so forth. Fool proof? Absolutely not. But it’s the best you’ve got. And yes, I’ve walked away from a guy who appeared to have a sore or two on his junk and a guy who admitted he had herpes- the risk wasn’t worth it me. I’ve walked away from sleeping with other guys for other such non herpes related reasons, too. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2010, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/56 "2010-08-22T03:18:52Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > 3: And I check my partners for herpes the same way I check them for every STD, colds, and flus-- sure, no method is 100% guaranteed to be effective, but I’d be foolish indeed not to try my best to look out for things and protect myself to the best of my ability. There’s no way of knowing for sure that your partner is clean in every way, but everybody uses various means of estimating the risk and if the risk is worth it. Inquiring about sexual history, testing, visual checks of areas before you stick it in you, etc and so forth. Fool proof? Absolutely not. But it’s the best you’ve got. And yes, I’ve walked away from a guy who appeared to have a sore or two on his junk and a guy who admitted he had herpes- the risk wasn’t worth it me. I’ve walked away from sleeping with other guys for other such non herpes related reasons, too. You really ask for an STD test signed by a doc from all of your romantic partners? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2010, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/57 "2010-08-22T03:20:41Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > You really ask for an STD test signed by a doc from all of your romantic partners? :dubious: I didn’t say I do those things, all or some, I just said those are ways people use to identify the risk of their partners. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2010, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/58 "2010-08-22T03:22:41Z")
Ok, so genital herpes is present in about 20% of American adults. A minority, but a sizable one. Genital herpes doesn’t always have outbreaks. The outbreaks come and go with decreasing frequency the longer you have it. After a year or so, they become very infrequent or stop completely (which doesn’t mean the person still can’t transmit it). Sometimes a person can have the virus and never have any outbreaks (or any other symptoms) at all. Checking the junk tells you nothing. Of course you can set your own criteria, but it’s naive to think you’re really going to avoid coming into contact with it if you’re very active. Most people who have it, don’t even know they have it. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2010, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/59 "2010-08-22T03:25:01Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Ok, so genital herpes is present in 20% of American adults. A minority, but a sizable one. Genital herpes doesn’t always have outbreaks. The outbreaks come and go (with decreasing frequency the longer you have it) Sometimes a person can have the virus and never have any outbreaks (or any other symptoms) at all. Checking the junk tells you nothing. Of course you can set your own criteria, but it’s naive to think you’re really going to avoid coming into contact with it if you’re very active. Most people who have it, don’t even know they have it. Thanks for the lecture, dad. You might realize, though, that you’re not saying anything I haven’t already. It’s awfully silly of you to say that it’s completely useless to try to visually check for oddities on your partner’s genitals- sure, is it the most effective thing? Absolutely not. But it’s just one tool in the arsenal of self protection. I sure hope nobody gets any ideas about abandoning visual inspections based on your posts. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2010, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799/60 "2010-08-22T03:29:41Z")
Not a single thing you said you do has any significant efficacy, unless you really do ask for STD tests, which I doubt (and do you provide the same tests yourself, by the way?). What is asking about a person’s sexual history going to tell you? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-consider-dating-someone-with-herpes/550799.md?page=4)