# Would you date a single or solo parent? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 3, 2005, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-a-single-or-solo-parent/288232 "2005-02-03T19:37:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![sweetfreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@sweetfreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sweetfreak)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2005, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-a-single-or-solo-parent/288232/21 "2005-02-03T21:48:32Z")
> [@SlowMindThinking](#): > > I’m more than a little surprised at the number of people who _know_ they don’t want to be a parent, and are unwilling to even consider the only humane way to experiment - dating a single parent. I don’t know about everybody else, but I am humble enough to know that I would not be a good mom. Face it, as a parent, until your child is grown up enough to think for his or her self, you have power over that life. And giving me power over someone else’s life…hmmmm…bad idea! :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Stonebow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Stonebow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stonebow)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2005, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-a-single-or-solo-parent/288232/22 "2005-02-03T21:49:25Z")
Well, I both dated, and then married, a single mom (divorced). Of course, we were a long-distance, internet couple, so a lot of the usual snags didn’t apply. Of course, we had a whole slew of new snags, but I don’t regret it at all. I had not actually planned on kids, but she was wonderful (still is), so I gave the kids a chance, and they turned out to be as great as she was. Of course, they were very young at the time (3/6) so we didn’t run into the authority issues we might have. But I know that we had a very atypical experience. ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2005, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-a-single-or-solo-parent/288232/23 "2005-02-03T21:52:45Z")
> [@tremorviolet](#): > > That’s always been my answer too. I’m getting old enough tho’, that I’d be willing to consider a guy with older kids who didn’t have custody. I’m 37. I don’t have any kids, and I have most of my hair. Come to the Austin dopefest on the 12th and lets meet. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2005, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-a-single-or-solo-parent/288232/24 "2005-02-03T22:28:43Z")
> [@SlowMindThinking](#): > > I’m more than a little surprised at the number of people who _know_ they don’t want to be a parent, and are unwilling to even consider the only **humane** way to experiment - dating a single parent. How humane it is depends on the parent. It seems like a lot of single moms are looking for a daddy for their kid first and a boyfriend/lover/fbuddy second, and many are (judging from comments from associates who have dated single moms) pretty damn subversive about it. I’m painting with a pretty broad brush here, of course, but all the same, I don’t want any part of that, and I don’t think it’s a good situation for the kid who is pressured to “build a relationship” with someone they may not really care for and who may only be around for a few months. As a kid, I didn’t need to be part of someone else’s “experiment”. As far as _knowing_ that you don’t want to have kids, I’ve got to same that I’m glad I’m not living in “America’s Heartland” anymore, surrounded by people with the attitude that if you aren’t married and knee-deep in diapers by the age of 25, you must be…strange. You know, gay…or worse. :eek: I don’t want kids, I don’t need kids, and I’d only fuck 'em up if I had them. I don’t have any experience with or guidance on being a good parent, but I make a fair faux uncle, as long as the exposure is limited. And no, that doesn’t make me a child molester or a homosexual[sup]\*[/sup]. When I see parents who are manifestly unable to raise kids and don’t give two squats about them, I think that a lot more people need to second guess their decision to procreate. Stranger And before someone takes offense at an implied insult, there’s nothing wrong with being gay. ---
**Author:** ![SusanStoHelit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@SusanStoHelit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SusanStoHelit)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2005, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-a-single-or-solo-parent/288232/25 "2005-02-03T23:09:51Z")
> [@Stranger On A Train](#): > > Seriously, I had childhood/adolescent experiences with the losers mammie brought home, each one to be “The New Daddy”. Give me a freakin’ break; you can’t even be a responsible parent and you think some inebriated, coke-snorting, unemployed Jesus-freak that you met at some fundamentalist/charismatic shake-down service is going to be an improvement? > > On the other side, I had a “stepparent”, and I use that term in the loosest possible sense, who spared no effort in demonstrating her resentment against having to share what little affection the paternal unit was able to put out. > > So I have, as the kids say, _issues_ with the whole notion of being some kind of substitute parent. Plus, I’d feel incredibly guilty if I got along with the tykes, allowed them to become attached to me, and then broke up with the woman. I might be marginally okay with it if I had near-zero interaction with the kids, but obviously that wouldn’t be going anywhere. Or if the children were grown and out of the house; I’m not quite at that age yet but I’m edging up on it. It’s not that I think single/divorced parents shouldn’t date, or that the situation can’t work out for all parties; it’s just beyond what I can personally deal with. Word. While I also don’t think solo parents shouldn’t date at all, it can’t be good for the child to have yet another man abandon them (if you break up) or taking all of mommy’s attention (if you stay together). Same goes for dads dating. You have to be a very mature, balanced person to make it work; to remember, even in the craziness of love and relationships, that you are a parent first and a lover second. I wouldn’t be able to do it. The single parents I respect most are those who go on dates and get their jollies outside of the home, and only let a partner meet their child when the relationship has moved to a committment stage. Kids need stability. IMO and YMMV, of course. ---
**Author:** ![yellowval](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/919ad9/32.png) [@yellowval](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yellowval)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2005, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-a-single-or-solo-parent/288232/26 "2005-02-03T23:44:35Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > Absolutely not, under any circumstances. I don’t have kids, and that is quite deliberate. The whole parenting thing just ain’t my bag. I’m the designated fun aunt. You know, the one who does pony rides and trips to the circus and zoo and buys obnoxious toys and sugary candy, then gets the hell out of Dodge when it’s diaper/tantrum/whining time. You and me both! I love being the fun aunt. ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2005, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-a-single-or-solo-parent/288232/27 "2005-02-03T23:47:52Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > No…but I have the same answer I always give to questions like these. I don’t want my own kids, definitely not someone else’s. > > So it would have to do exclusively with the kids, not their status with the other parent. Same here. I have dated single mothers, but never with good results. I am always open and up front about not wanting children. I have been told that “I’m not looking for a father for my children, they have a father, I am looking for a lover.” Usually it starts out to be true. After a while there is the “Lets just stop and check on the kids.” “Chrissy is having a sleep over, I forgot to get donuts, lets just take them some.” Soon it progresses to: “I want you to come to the band competition this weekend. Please. It’s important to me.” Then its: “If you can’t accept me as a mother, you aren’t accepting all of me, and I can’t live this way.” I understand. Really. Except for, I had made it clear from the beginning that I did not want to be an “instant family, just add Khadaji.” So now, if a woman has children, I won’t date her. It seriously limits the field, but it also limits the problems later. ---
**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2005, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-a-single-or-solo-parent/288232/28 "2005-02-03T23:51:49Z")
Date? Yeah, maybe. But not seriously, I don’t think I’m not even sure I want kids and I definitely know I don’t want anyone else’s at this point. ---
**Author:** ![tremorviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47774/32.png) [@tremorviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tremorviolet)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2005, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-a-single-or-solo-parent/288232/29 "2005-02-03T23:52:06Z")
> [@adam yax](#): > > I’m 37. I don’t have any kids, and I have most of my hair. Come to the Austin dopefest on the 12th and lets meet. I’ve thought about it (if only to see **Tapioca Dextrim’s** $800 Gucci shoes). But I’m really not horribly vivacious or interesting in person tho’, particularly around people I don’t know, and get kinda socially anxious (someone on the internet with poor personal skills, what’re the odds?). Um, I’ll say maybe. (I reserve the right to be flakey 🙂 ) ---
**Author:** ![Leviosaurus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/439d5e/32.png) [@Leviosaurus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leviosaurus)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2005, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-a-single-or-solo-parent/288232/30 "2005-02-04T00:22:31Z")
I was prejudiced against dating single moms after a couple of bad experiences. Then I met one who convinced me to make an exception. We’ve been dating very seriously for several months, and right now I expect this relationship to go to the logical, fairy-tale conclusion. That includes me adopting her kid. A couple of things that make this relationship different: - Her ex is _entirely_ out of the picture. His support checks show up on a regular basis, otherwise he’s out of the picture. - The single moms I’d had experiences before used their kids as excuses for never going out and doing anything. Too hard to find a babysitter, no activities we would be interested in, etc etc. My current GF and I go out and have adventures all the time, and we bring her kid along. We have a blast! - They both love the fact that I play in a band and don’t hassle me about it - The kid, frankly, is terrific. My conclusion: I’m awful happy to have found my GF. I know I can have more kids with her and continue to enjoy life. In the end, it’s just about being with the right person. ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2005, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-a-single-or-solo-parent/288232/31 "2005-02-04T01:42:24Z")
I’ve dated a couple of women who had kids. In every case, it was the kids who were fine, their moms were nuts. Certainly at my age, the odds of me finding a childless woman to date are pretty slim, so even if I were inclined to be picky over such an issue, the pool of potential dates would be microcosmically small. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2005, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-a-single-or-solo-parent/288232/32 "2005-02-04T01:59:27Z")
I still think The Straight Dope should start some kind of relationship service for all of its single Dopers. As for the OP, I would not date a single or solo parent. Well, if I were single again, I wouldn’t. I’m sure my husband would be happy to know that I’m not planning on dating. 😃 I’m 38 with no kids, and I wouldn’t date someone with kids simply because I’m not that interested in children. All the hassles with exes etc. are just additional reasons not to. ---
**Author:** ![Essured](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Essured](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Essured)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2005, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-a-single-or-solo-parent/288232/33 "2005-02-04T02:12:01Z")
No. Hell no. Kids, wanting kids or having kids are all deal-breakers for me. > [@SlowMindThinking](#): > > I’m more than a little surprised at the number of people who _know_ they don’t want to be a parent, and are unwilling to even consider the only humane way to experiment - dating a single parent. Maybe this belongs in a new thread, but why are you surprised? Did you experiment before having kids, even though you knew you wanted them? If we _know_ we don’t want to be parents, why on earth would we experiment? What’s the point? There’s hundreds of things I know I don’t want to do (with varying intensities) and I feel no need to ‘experiment’ with them either. I’m too busy doing the things I know I want to do. ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2005, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-a-single-or-solo-parent/288232/34 "2005-02-04T02:20:52Z")
My experiences have been much like those of **Tuckerfan**. Nothing like bonding with some kids who have never known an adult male to help them with homework, build stuff, and just have fun with, and then Mom decides that it’s best she go back to the drug-user who was abusive to her, because it’s better for the family. :rolleyes: Yes, I’d do it again-that doesn’t mean I’m the sharpest tool in the shed, either. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2005, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-a-single-or-solo-parent/288232/35 "2005-02-04T03:10:24Z")
> [@SlowMindThinking](#): > > I’m more than a little surprised at the number of people who _know_ they don’t want to be a parent, and are unwilling to even consider the only humane way to experiment - dating a single parent. Some people know they don’t want to have kids without the benefit of experimentation. I find this attitude condescending, as if I would change my mind if I really knew all the benefits. No thank you. I adore kids, and they adore me, and they are cute _but I don’t want any_. I’ve known that for ten years now, thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2005, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-a-single-or-solo-parent/288232/36 "2005-02-04T03:13:54Z")
> [@Khadaji](#): > > Except for, I had made it clear from the beginning that I did not want to be an “instant family, just add Khadaji.” _snicke_ Not hot water, but he may \*get \* you into hot water. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Good\_Egg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/96bed5/32.png) [@Good\_Egg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Good_Egg)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2005, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-a-single-or-solo-parent/288232/37 "2005-02-04T03:45:08Z")
What do you propose single parents do-avoid dating forever? ---
**Author:** ![SusanStoHelit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@SusanStoHelit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SusanStoHelit)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2005, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-a-single-or-solo-parent/288232/38 "2005-02-04T03:52:13Z")
> [@Good Egg](#): > > What do you propose single parents do-avoid dating forever? Nobody is suggesting that. They just need to be honest with themselves and their potential partners about what they are really looking for- a lover or a family, and remember to put their child first. ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2005, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-a-single-or-solo-parent/288232/39 "2005-02-04T04:25:57Z")
If the other parent is still alive, no I absolutely would not. I adore kids by the way, can’t wait to adopt at least one of my own. My motives are purely selfish; if the other parent is still alive, they are the first priority after their child. I would come after them , and last would be my or our kids. No thanks, my kids will not be treated as afterthoughts. Nor should I have to accomodate someone I didn’t shtup or marry just because they can have a horrible effect on my life and I should fear it. Needless to say that since I’m now almost 35, refusing to date single dads chops my dating pool down quite a bit if I want to only date guys my age or older. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2005, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-a-single-or-solo-parent/288232/40 "2005-02-04T04:30:14Z")
> [@Good Egg](#): > > What do you propose single parents do-avoid dating forever? Maybe. I dunno. I think the kids should really be A#1 priority in life. I’m not trying to pass a moral judgement. I just get so tired of people with kids leaving them alone to go chase after sex or love or whatever…those kids need you more than _anything_. I know a \*\*lot \*\* of you are just looking for someone to help raise these lovely kids and make a good other half. **And this is not directed toward you**. But there are so many that don’t have the kids’ interests at heart, you would think they were just saddled with them. Let Gay Parents Adopt! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-a-single-or-solo-parent/288232.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-a-single-or-solo-parent/288232.md?page=3)