# Would you date someone who refused to date persons of his/her own race/ethnicity? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 20, 2010, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-refused-to-date-persons-of-his-her-own-race-ethnicity/550881 "2010-08-20T15:47:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Rocket\_Man\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/43a26b/32.png) [@Rocket\_Man\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rocket_Man_1)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-refused-to-date-persons-of-his-her-own-race-ethnicity/550881/41 "2010-08-20T18:56:51Z")
A person who discriminates against a racial group based on the idea they posses certain intrinsic characteristics is _ipso facto_ a racist. At this point any prior emotional attraction would evaporate rather quickly. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-refused-to-date-persons-of-his-her-own-race-ethnicity/550881/42 "2010-08-20T18:59:54Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > In casting about for reasons why someone might refuse, the only thing I can find that would even make it remotely justifiable is if he were a carrier of some genetic disease that only tends to crop up on specific populations and he doesn’t think he should be asking people for their test results before getting to know them. > > But… yeah. Even as a hypothetical, that leaves much to be desired. How about, “Every time I date an [Ethnic] man, I hear my mother in my head judging him on how desirable he is as a husband. Maybe some day I’ll get over that, but for now it just makes me crazy and kills any chemistry that might be there.” ---
**Author:** ![El\_Nene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/da6949/32.png) [@El\_Nene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Nene)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-refused-to-date-persons-of-his-her-own-race-ethnicity/550881/43 "2010-08-20T19:43:47Z")
> [@Rocket\_Man\_1](#): > > A person who discriminates against a racial group based on the idea they posses certain intrinsic characteristics is _ipso facto_ a racist. At this point any prior emotional attraction would evaporate rather quickly. My wife, who is black, is not attracted to black men. However, half her friends are black. Some of those friends are men. It’s not that she thinks black men are inferior, she is simply not attracted to them. She does find Shemar Moore attractive but then so do I so make of that what you will. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-refused-to-date-persons-of-his-her-own-race-ethnicity/550881/44 "2010-08-20T21:58:23Z")
> [@Rocket\_Man\_1](#): > > A person who discriminates against a racial group based on the idea they posses certain intrinsic characteristics is _ipso facto_ a racist. At this point any prior emotional attraction would evaporate rather quickly. How is it _discrimination_ to refuse to date someone? ---
**Author:** ![Rocket\_Man\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/43a26b/32.png) [@Rocket\_Man\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rocket_Man_1)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-refused-to-date-persons-of-his-her-own-race-ethnicity/550881/45 "2010-08-20T22:01:10Z")
> [@El\_Nene](#): > > My wife, who is black, is not attracted to black men. However, half her friends are black. Some of those friends are men. It’s not that she thinks black men are inferior, she is simply not attracted to them. She does find Shemar Moore attractive but then so do I so make of that what you will. It sounds more likely that she’s not physically attracted to _most_ black men, and those with which she socialises, rather than _all_ black men everywhere. Either way, it wouldn’t necessarily involve ‘racism’, but is a little strange. **ETA** > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > How is it _discrimination_ to refuse to date someone? Discrimination is to make a distinction or a decision based on prejudice, which seems like a perfectly appropriate use of the word to me. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-refused-to-date-persons-of-his-her-own-race-ethnicity/550881/46 "2010-08-20T22:05:54Z")
> [@Tom\_Scud](#): > > How about, > > “Every time I date an [Ethnic] man, I hear my mother in my head judging him on how desirable he is as a husband. Maybe some day I’ll get over that, but for now it just makes me crazy and kills any chemistry that might be there.” Call me when you’re done with your mommy issues! ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-refused-to-date-persons-of-his-her-own-race-ethnicity/550881/47 "2010-08-20T22:06:51Z")
> [@Rocket\_Man\_1](#): > > > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > > How is it _discrimination_ to refuse to date someone? > > Discrimination is to make a distinction or a decision based on prejudice, which seems like a perfectly appropriate use of the word to me. Am I racist for not finding black/American Indian women attractive? Woo! Discrimination! ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-refused-to-date-persons-of-his-her-own-race-ethnicity/550881/48 "2010-08-20T22:08:18Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > Now, I _can_ understand categorically refusing to date people from particular cultures or subcultures, or preferring a particular culture or subculture. That, I have no problem with. But culture isn’t synonymous with race, and it’s sloppy to think so. E.g., I would prefer to date a nerd, and blacks tend to be underrepresented in nerd subculture, so because of that, it’s less likely that I would end up in a relationship with a black woman. But if I did meet a black female nerd, her race wouldn’t be relevant to me. All this. Everywhere I’ve lived, saying someone is one race or another would tell me pretty much nothing about their style, mannerisms, the movies and music they like, or any of the other things I actually care about in a partner. I’d also wonder why the hell they’re telling me they won’t date people from their own race, even if it’s true. Sounds like self-loathing, which is absolutely not attractive. > [@Tom\_Scud](#): > > How about, > > “Every time I date an [Ethnic] man, I hear my mother in my head judging him on how desirable he is as a husband. Maybe some day I’ll get over that, but for now it just makes me crazy and kills any chemistry that might be there.” Call me when you’re done with your mommy issues! ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-refused-to-date-persons-of-his-her-own-race-ethnicity/550881/49 "2010-08-20T22:09:46Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > I’d also wonder why the hell they’re telling me they won’t date people from their own race, even if it’s true. Sounds like self-loathing, which is absolutely not attractive. According to the OP, they _didn’t_ tell you. Their sibling did and you asked them about it. ---
**Author:** ![gurujulp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ba9def/32.png) [@gurujulp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gurujulp)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-refused-to-date-persons-of-his-her-own-race-ethnicity/550881/50 "2010-08-20T22:10:06Z")
You didn’t put in, “I am now dating, and have consistently been in relationships with individuals as described.” I choose that one. ---
**Author:** ![gurujulp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ba9def/32.png) [@gurujulp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gurujulp)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-refused-to-date-persons-of-his-her-own-race-ethnicity/550881/51 "2010-08-20T22:16:56Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > [@MegaBee](#): > > > > Yeah, I still don’t think I’d particularly care unless it bled over into other aspects of her life. > > > > Damn, son. I measure attractiveness in millihalles! > > I have made note of your preferences, and when it comes time to format & distribute the next generation of hookerboots I will bear it in mind. Hooker **boots**? I want some hookerboots… > [@GHO57](#): > > > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > > Sure. But saying _I am primarily attracted to persons who look like \_ is not the same as saying _I categorically refuse to date persons of Race \_. > > > > For instance: I happen to be in the (probably very small) minority of Amercan men who is not especially attracted to Halle Berry. But I wouldn’t rule persons of her ethnicity out as a matter of policy. > > [del]You’re not alone in that;[/del] Halle does nothing for me… hmm I’m not an American, so on second thought you might still be alone. Also, in regards to **Bee** ’s comment; I think people are attracted to \*whom \*they’re attracted to, not _what_. Anyone attracted to a _what_, isn’t someone I’d consider dating. > > …anyways… there was talk about a cookie iirc? I wanted a cookie too… > [@ReticulatingSplines](#): > > Shit, I would love to meet a white chick who refuses to date white guys. It would be fun to ride her unicorn around the apartment too. I can introduce you to one, but she’s in Houston, TX, so just let me know when you plan to be there- but she won’t be interested if you aren’t black… ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-refused-to-date-persons-of-his-her-own-race-ethnicity/550881/52 "2010-08-20T22:17:10Z")
> [@Rocket\_Man\_1](#): > > > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > > How is it _discrimination_ to refuse to date someone? > > Discrimination is to make a distinction or a decision based on prejudice, which seems like a perfectly appropriate use of the word to me. Discrimination, to my mind, carries the freight of being unethical. Since any single person has the right to decide whom s/he is and is not willing to date, it is impossible for such a decision, even one based on prejudice, to be unethical. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-refused-to-date-persons-of-his-her-own-race-ethnicity/550881/53 "2010-08-20T22:21:40Z")
> [@gurujulp](#): > > > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > > I have made note of your preferences, and when it comes time to format & distribute the next generation of hookerboots I will bear it in mind. > > Hooker **boots**? I want some hookerboots… Obviously that’s supposed to be hooker_bots_, as Rhymers eschew the cobbler’s craft as a profession. RhymerPosts are full of typos. This is covered in the RhymerFaq. > [@](#): > > I wanted a cookie too… Rhymers are untrustworthy; their promises should be considered as not worth the electrons who died to transmit them. Also covered in the RhymerFaq. ---
**Author:** ![Rocket\_Man\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/43a26b/32.png) [@Rocket\_Man\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rocket_Man_1)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-refused-to-date-persons-of-his-her-own-race-ethnicity/550881/54 "2010-08-20T22:29:18Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Discrimination, to my mind, carries the freight of being unethical. Since any single person has the right to decide whom s/he is and is not willing to date, it is impossible for such a decision, even one based on prejudice, to be unethical. I agree that everyone has the right to decide who they date, but it does not follow that this separates the decision from morality. I believe that discriminatory decisions based on racism are necessarily unethical, regardless of the agent in question. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-refused-to-date-persons-of-his-her-own-race-ethnicity/550881/55 "2010-08-20T22:35:22Z")
> [@Rocket\_Man\_1](#): > > > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > > Discrimination, to my mind, carries the freight of being unethical. Since any single person has the right to decide whom s/he is and is not willing to date, it is impossible for such a decision, even one based on prejudice, to be unethical. > > I agree that everyone has the right to decide who they date, but it does not follow that this separates the decision from morality. Of course it does. Since I have an absolute right to decline to date another person, and no one has an absolute right to demand that I date her or him, it is impossible for my decision not to date another person, or even a class of people, to be immoral or unethical, regardless of how odious my reasons are. ---
**Author:** ![Rocket\_Man\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/43a26b/32.png) [@Rocket\_Man\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rocket_Man_1)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-refused-to-date-persons-of-his-her-own-race-ethnicity/550881/56 "2010-08-20T22:43:07Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Am I racist for not finding black/American Indian women attractive? Woo! Discrimination! No, finding someone physically unattractive is not racism. If you literally contend that you find an entire race unattractive, it does not necessarily involve racism. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-refused-to-date-persons-of-his-her-own-race-ethnicity/550881/57 "2010-08-20T22:52:01Z")
> [@Rocket\_Man\_1](#): > > > [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > > > Am I racist for not finding black/American Indian women attractive? Woo! Discrimination! > > No, finding someone physically unattractive is not racism. If you literally contend that you find an entire race unattractive, it does not necessarily involve racism. I don’t _literally_ find all members of any race unattractive. But my preference for white women is based purely on my finding them more physically attractive. The OP didn’t give any reasons for _why_ this particular person dates exclusively other races- it was other posters who provided that reasoning. ---
**Author:** ![InterestedObserver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/838e76/32.png) [@InterestedObserver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InterestedObserver)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-refused-to-date-persons-of-his-her-own-race-ethnicity/550881/58 "2010-08-20T23:06:10Z")
I wouldn’t care unless there was some underlying pattern of racism aside from simply preferring to date/sex someone with certain physical/ethnic characteristics. I mean, some of us prefer dark-haired, some light, some prefer a certain build or weight or height, some get all hard and/or lubricated at the sound of a certain accent, etc…So what? Sort of like, imo, some prefer one gender over another. Certain things may trip our triggers, either because we find them esp. arousing/appealing for some known or unknown reason or because we find certain other characteristics UNappealing due to the same. Or both. Could be some past traumatic experience or simply a babysitter or other crush we had as we were forming our sexual preferences. (and no, not referring to hetero vs homo sexuality here, but general preferences within those areas) I wouldn’t find it anymore nec. offensive if I were dating a non-anglo fellow (being anglo myself) and his family commented on his preferences for anglo women than if they simply said, “Ahhh…yes, you are certainly his type!” because I had a nice rack, a certain hair color, or even personality. Now, if the issue were framed as, “he doesn’t date within his own race due to (insert racist sterotype here)” I would probably raise the issue and perhaps not be comfortable with someone who was a racist, even if their biases worked in my favor. But I’m a believer in getting to know individual people and I wouldn’t automatically judge someone based on their sexual preference for a certain “type”. ---
**Author:** ![Rocket\_Man\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/43a26b/32.png) [@Rocket\_Man\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rocket_Man_1)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-refused-to-date-persons-of-his-her-own-race-ethnicity/550881/59 "2010-08-20T23:14:30Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > [@Rocket\_Man\_1](#): > > > > I agree that everyone has the right to decide who they date, but it does not follow that this separates the decision from morality. > > Of course it does. Since I have an absolute right to decline to date another person, and no one has an absolute right to demand that I date her or him, it is impossible for my decision not to date another person, or even a class of people, to be immoral or unethical, regardless of how odious my reasons are. If I decide not to date black people because I’m a racist, the decision necessarily has a moral dimension to it, since I’m acting on prejudice. I am free to avoid doing so, but this does not strip the choice of morality. Similarly, if I decide not to assist a black person having a heart attack, I may be free to do so, but I’ve still made an ethical decision in the process. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-refused-to-date-persons-of-his-her-own-race-ethnicity/550881/60 "2010-08-20T23:17:32Z")
> [@Kyla](#): > > > [@lindsaybluth](#): > > > > My mom is Cuban and she refused to date any Latinos or Spaniards of any stripe because she finds them misogynistic. > > I’ve heard similar statements from women of several different ethnicities. My cousin is Mexican and said she didn’t want to marry a Mexican guy because they tend to be overly macho. (Her dad’s misogynistic behavior toward her mom has been the cause of a lot of eye-rolling in our family.) She ended up marrying an English guy. And my best friend for years and years is Chinese-American and said the same thing about Chinese guys on numerous occasions. I think she was even down on dating fellow Chinese-Americans because a lot of them still grew up in a community with strict gender roles that she wasn’t interested in following. You know, the cultural issues don’t even necessarily have to do with gender roles. It could be something relatively minor. Maybe I’m Italian-American and I despise my family’s huge holiday events and therefore want to marry someone whose culture doesn’t include them. Or I love these events, but don’t want to be forever traveling from his family celebration to mine and therefore want to marry someone whose family either doesn’t celebrate the same holidays or doesn’t have large gatherings. In either case, I am much better off staying away from fellow Italian-Americans. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-refused-to-date-persons-of-his-her-own-race-ethnicity/550881.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-refused-to-date-persons-of-his-her-own-race-ethnicity/550881.md?page=4)