# Would you date someone who thought being gay/lesbian is wrong? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 8, 2015, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892 "2015-10-08T00:54:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/121 "2015-10-12T02:06:47Z")
I probably would give them a pass if they were like “I know it’s bad to feel this way, but I am uncomfortable with the whole gay thing. I’m trying to work on it though.” But if they said something like, “Yeah, being gay is bad. I’ll never change my mind about that 'cuz religion!”, then I don’t think I could even be friends with them. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/122 "2015-10-12T02:58:56Z")
> [@Gotlift](#): > > Damn interesting to see how many people would end a relationship with someone just because they have different views. My wife is Catholic and I am agnostic and don’t base anything in my life on religion. We have a great marriage that couldn’t have happened if I had tossed her aside just because she bases her belief system on Catholic principles. > > Kind of interesting too, to see people who are so intolerant of different point of views preach tolerance to all people and lifestyles. It’s not a question of intolerance. Some people can pull it off, witness yourself, but my experience is most people can’t. I most certainly cannot. No one is saying (out loud anyway) that people with different views must be rounded up and put in camps, but while such people might make good friends or acquaintances, to have one as one’s life’s soul mate would be beyond my ability. Plus I think the scenario in the OP, in which someone believes gays are frankly disgusting, is quite a bit more extreme example than your situation. What if your wife truly thought agnostics were dirty and disgusting, or you thought of Catholics the same way? I’d wager you would never have gotten married. ---
**Author:** ![Gotlift](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9fc348/32.png) [@Gotlift](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gotlift)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/123 "2015-10-12T03:43:28Z")
> [@Siam\_Sam](#): > > It’s not a question of intolerance. Some people can pull it off, witness yourself, but my experience is most people can’t. I most certainly cannot. No one is saying (out loud anyway) that people with different views must be rounded up and put in camps, but while such people might make good friends or acquaintances, to have one as one’s life’s soul mate would be beyond my ability. > > Plus I think the scenario in the OP, in which someone believes gays are frankly disgusting, is quite a bit more extreme example than your situation. What if your wife truly thought agnostics were dirty and disgusting, or you thought of Catholics the same way? I’d wager you would never have gotten married. I think you and others are characterizing the OP’s girlfriend incorrectly. She clearly has a religious bias, but where does he say she thinks they are disgusting? He clearly says she accepts that society accepts it. I think most religious people would fall into this camp. “Yes, my religion teaches me that it is wrong, but I’m not going to openly judge people because they are gay.” Its easy to watch the news and think that all religious people are sign toting members of the anti-gay movement, but the news reports on the fringe 99% of the time and has little reflection of the people I encounter in my day to day life. > [@Ambivalid](#): > > I don’t see many people saying they’d end a relationship with someone who believed homosexuality was wrong, rather they seem to be saying they wouldn’t _be_ in a relationship with such a person to begin with. This is my position as well. I wouldn’t need to know upfront that a person thought that homosexuality was wrong to get a sense of what kind of person they were and that we would not be compatible as romantic partners. And some views matter and are more consequential than others. So to say "oh you do this or that _just because_ a person has a different view than you is to trivialize and minimize the importance of that particular view to the person making the decision. I can’t imagine this being a topic that comes up so often in my relationship that even if I was vehemently opposed to the point of view that it would be a deal breaker. I’d be more worried about things such as financial discipline or cleanliness. Why get wrapped around the axle over a topic that really doesn’t affect the relationship? I guess if you are a gay man or woman and you were trying to engage in and develop a relationship with a straight partner it may jam up progress a little. To actually hold the position that anyone who thinks homosexuality is a sin or is morally wrong is clearly not a good person and has nothing to offer in terms of a romantic relationship or couldn’t possibly have good qualities as well is an extreme point of view and probably speaks more to your flaws than to theirs. > [@Ambivalid](#): > > Also, being intolerant of intolerant beliefs is not intolerance. Nice try tho. Wow, talk about a play on words. So there is no such thing as religious intolerance? Being intolerant of people for their religious beliefs is only popular if they are Christians. Muslims somehow get a pass by labeling anyone who speaks out as an “Islamaphobe”. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/124 "2015-10-12T03:50:04Z")
> [@Gotlift](#): > > I think you and others are characterizing the OP’s girlfriend incorrectly. She clearly has a religious bias, but where does he say she thinks they are disgusting? He clearly says she accepts that society accepts it. I think most religious people would fall into this camp. “Yes, my religion teaches me that it is wrong, but I’m not going to openly judge people because they are gay.” Its easy to watch the news and think that all religious people are sign toting members of the anti-gay movement, but the news reports on the fringe 99% of the time and has little reflection of the people I encounter in my day to day life. > > I can’t imagine this being a topic that comes up so often in my relationship that even if I was vehemently opposed to the point of view that it would be a deal breaker. I’d be more worried about things such as financial discipline or cleanliness. Why get wrapped around the axle over a topic that really doesn’t affect the relationship? I guess if you are a gay man or woman and you were trying to engage in and develop a relationship with a straight partner it may jam up progress a little. To actually hold the position that anyone who thinks homosexuality is a sin or is morally wrong is clearly not a good person and has nothing to offer in terms of a romantic relationship or couldn’t possibly have good qualities as well is an extreme point of view and probably speaks more to your flaws than to theirs. > > Wow, talk about a play on words. So there is no such thing as religious intolerance? Being intolerant of people for their religious beliefs is only popular if they are Christians. Muslims somehow get a pass by labeling anyone who speaks out as an “Islamaphobe”. Where exactly did **Ambivalid** say there was no such thing as religious intolerance? 😕 I can already tell you and I would not make a good relationship even if you or I were female. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/125 "2015-10-12T03:54:15Z")
> [@CCitizen](#): > > Modern Liberals are the most intolerant people. Like Communists during Soviet Era. I suspect what you personally are experiencing is liberals being intolerant of intolerant people. Now, why do you think you might be seeing that? ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/126 "2015-10-12T04:10:12Z")
> [@Gotlift](#): > > …To actually hold the position that anyone who thinks homosexuality is a sin or is morally wrong is clearly not a good person and has nothing to offer in terms of a romantic relationship or couldn’t possibly have good qualities as well is an extreme point of view and probably speaks more to your flaws than to theirs… Huh? You hardly have to hold so extreme a view to think that you would be romantically incompatible with someone! I know good people who think homosexuality is a sin. But I couldn’t date them. We’d be incompatible. Is that so weird? ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/127 "2015-10-12T04:16:53Z")
> [@Gotlift](#): > > I can’t imagine this being a topic that comes up so often in my relationship that even if I was vehemently opposed to the point of view that it would be a deal breaker. I’d be more worried about things such as financial discipline or cleanliness. Why get wrapped around the axle over a topic that really doesn’t affect the relationship? I guess if you are a gay man or woman and you were trying to engage in and develop a relationship with a straight partner it may jam up progress a little. To actually hold the position that anyone who thinks homosexuality is a sin or is morally wrong is clearly not a good person and has nothing to offer in terms of a romantic relationship or couldn’t possibly have good qualities as well is an extreme point of view and probably speaks more to your flaws than to theirs. > > Wow, talk about a play on words. So there is no such thing as religious intolerance? Being intolerant of people for their religious beliefs is only popular if they are Christians. Muslims somehow get a pass by labeling anyone who speaks out as an “Islamaphobe”. Ridiculous. Firstly, I already said that it’s not so much that they hold this one belief alone. Beliefs don’t exist in a vacuum. Someone who believes teh gay is bad or somehow worthy of scorn is someone whose lifestyle, upbringing, personality traits and many other factors, would be overwhelmingly likely to be in conflict with my own and not be someone with whom I would desire any type of serious relationship. I make no distinction between what religion someone is or if they even are religious. If they hold beliefs such as “being gay is inherently bad”, whatever the genesis of that belief, then that exposes enough of the core of this person as being intolerant for me to form certain opinions. ---
**Author:** ![Gotlift](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9fc348/32.png) [@Gotlift](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gotlift)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 7:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/128 "2015-10-12T07:33:24Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > Huh? You hardly have to hold so extreme a view to think that you would be romantically incompatible with someone! > > I know good people who think homosexuality is a sin. But I couldn’t date them. We’d be incompatible. Is that so weird? Yes, if you based your perceived incompatibility solely on their view of homosexuality then I think that is so weird. Say for example you move to Italy for the Summer and meet a beautiful woman that you were instantly attracted to. You don’t speak Spanish or Italian and she barely speaks English, but the spark tells you that you are definitely compatible. You spend the Summer together and you fall in love before you go back to wherever it is you come from (try not to be obstinate here, this is purely hypothetical). You communicate for months via Google translate and you fall deeper in love. You decide that you love her enough to learn her language and move to Italy. Assuming you haven’t popped the “Don’t you just love homosexuality?” question while getting to know and love this beautiful woman, would you just dump her if she suddenly tells you that she doesn’t agree with it for whatever reason? If so, then, yes, I think that is weird. Hey, just my opinion. Don’t let it bother you too much. > [@Ambivalid](#): > > Ridiculous. Firstly, I already said that it’s not so much that they hold this one belief alone. Beliefs don’t exist in a vacuum. Someone who believes teh gay is bad or somehow worthy of scorn is someone whose lifestyle, upbringing, personality traits and many other factors, would be overwhelmingly likely to be in conflict with my own and not be someone with whom I would desire any type of serious relationship. I make no distinction between what religion someone is or if they even are religious. If they hold beliefs such as “being gay is inherently bad”, whatever the genesis of that belief, then that exposes enough of the core of this person as being intolerant for me to form certain opinions. Valid point. It is your prerogative to judge anyone for any reason you would like. Is this really a qualifying question for you? Be careful, I know plenty of people who think homosexuality is A-OK and still turn out to be complete assholes. :eek: > [@Siam\_Sam](#): > > Where exactly did **Ambivalid** say there was no such thing as religious intolerance? 😕 > > I can already tell you and I would not make a good relationship even if you or I were female. The rejection is truly painful, but somehow I think I’ll be OK. To reject religion because you don’t believe in god or in religious principles is one thing, but to reject people because you are intolerant of their religious views is religious intolerance and, IMO, is every bit as dangerous as homophobia. Ambivalid stated that being intolerant of intolerant beliefs is not intolerance. Reading between the lines you could argue that he is justifying religious intolerance since the bible speaks against lifestyles that he supports. So as long as your belief system matches his then you are tolerable, otherwise… fuck off? ---
**Author:** ![nicky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/f0a364/32.png) [@nicky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nicky)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 7:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/129 "2015-10-12T07:36:02Z")
> [@Quasimodal](#): > > Lady I’m seeing right now is believes being gay / lesbian is morally wrong. She accepts society allows it, and doesn’t make issues about it but she thinks it’s wrong. I guess anal is off the menu then. ---
**Author:** ![Gotlift](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9fc348/32.png) [@Gotlift](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gotlift)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 7:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/130 "2015-10-12T07:42:45Z")
> [@nicky](#): > > I guess anal is off the menu then. But if not, I’d be a lot more tolerant of her opinions. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 7:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/131 "2015-10-12T07:55:40Z")
> [@Gotlift](#): > > Ambivalid stated that being intolerant of intolerant beliefs is not intolerance. Reading between the lines you could argue that he is justifying religious intolerance since the bible speaks against lifestyles that he supports. So as long as your belief system matches his then you are tolerable, otherwise… fuck off? I think that is a completely ludicrous take on what **Ambivalid** said. ---
**Author:** ![Gotlift](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9fc348/32.png) [@Gotlift](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gotlift)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 8:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/132 "2015-10-12T08:08:37Z")
> [@Siam\_Sam](#): > > I think that is a completely ludicrous take on what **Ambivalid** said. Or you could just be turning a blind eye since his POV is inline with yours. I’m sure he’ll be along soon. Ambivalid? Are you tolerant of religious beliefs? What do you think he was saying? ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 11:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/133 "2015-10-12T11:50:19Z")
> [@Gotlift](#): > > Yes, if you based your perceived incompatibility solely on their view of homosexuality then I think that is so weird. Say for example you move to Italy for the Summer and meet a beautiful woman that you were instantly attracted to. You don’t speak Spanish or Italian and she barely speaks English, but the spark tells you that you are definitely compatible. You spend the Summer together and you fall in love before you go back to wherever it is you come from (try not to be obstinate here, this is purely hypothetical). You communicate for months via Google translate and you fall deeper in love. You decide that you love her enough to learn her language and move to Italy. Assuming you haven’t popped the “Don’t you just love homosexuality?” question while getting to know and love this beautiful woman, would you just dump her if she suddenly tells you that she doesn’t agree with it for whatever reason? If so, then, yes, I think that is weird. Hey, just my opinion. Don’t let it bother you too much… So, you obviously didn’t read my prior post, because it would have come up well before then. First, I’m attracted to men, not women, so let’s make it a georgeous man. Second, I’ve never felt “love at first sight”, I need to get to know someone to find them romantically attractive. But third, and what I said above, is: Although I am straight, I have a lot of gay friends. Hanging out with gay friends, and doing things in “gay” spaces is part of my lifestyle, and a part that I would want to share with any romantic partner. When I visited Japan (surely a far-away enough place for you?) I gay friend put me in touch with a gay guy there who hosted me for a day. I am currently corresponding with some gay Japanese friends to find activites I might want to do if I manage to visit Japan next summer. There is ZERO chance I would be so close to someone as to want to learn his language withough his knowing that I am connected to the gay community. And if he feels strongly that homosexuality is morally wrong, and he cares for me, I assume he’d say something about it. :shrug: But that’s stuff that may be unique to me. What is NOT unique to me is that I don’t develop romantic attachments to people I don’t know. That’s not universal, and perhaps you are different that way, but it’s quite common. Anyone like me is likely to know the broad outlines of a person’s morality before getting too attached to them. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 12:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/134 "2015-10-12T12:01:10Z")
> [@Gotlift](#): > > Or you could just be turning a blind eye since his POV is inline with yours. I’m sure he’ll be along soon. Ambivalid? Are you tolerant of religious beliefs? > > What do you think he was saying? A member here (I can’t remember who or I’d give them credit) wrote: You ever notice how the only time people are being “intolerant” of peoples religious beliefs is when said religious people are being shitty to a certain group of people? Ya’ might want to chew on that for a while. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/135 "2015-10-12T12:09:18Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > So, yes, America was _vastly_ less tolerant in the fifties and sixties, by any conceivable measurement, and this broad, societal prejudice existed not just for most of your life, but most of mine, as well. Oh yeah, well how come we’ve lost the right to drop homophobic slurs in public without being labeled bigots, Mr. Smarty Pants, hmm? ---
**Author:** ![Gotlift](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9fc348/32.png) [@Gotlift](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gotlift)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/136 "2015-10-12T12:38:06Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > A member here (I can’t remember who or I’d give them credit) wrote: You ever notice how the only time people are being “intolerant” of peoples religious beliefs is when said religious people are being shitty to a certain group of people? > > Ya’ might want to chew on that for a while. Truly powerful. So this girl deserves to be cast aside for her beliefs, even though she is tolerant? ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/137 "2015-10-12T12:38:33Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > But that’s stuff that may be unique to me. What is NOT unique to me is that I don’t develop romantic attachments to people I don’t know. That’s not universal, and perhaps you are different that way, but it’s quite common. Anyone like me is likely to know the broad outlines of a person’s morality before getting too attached to them. But what if you meet a gorgeous man who only speaks in interpretive dance and he does the dance for “gays are disgusting” but you think it’s the dance for “I would like more spaghetti” and you think it’s charming because you actually overcooked the spaghetti and you think he’s just being really nice? WHAT THEN?! ---
**Author:** ![Gotlift](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9fc348/32.png) [@Gotlift](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gotlift)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/138 "2015-10-12T12:47:29Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > So, you obviously didn’t read my prior post, because it would have come up well before then. > > First, I’m attracted to men, not women, so let’s make it a georgeous man. Second, I’ve never felt “love at first sight”, I need to get to know someone to find them romantically attractive. I guess you missed the hypothetical part. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/139 "2015-10-12T13:03:26Z")
> [@Gotlift](#): > > I guess you missed the hypothetical part. No, but a hypothetical needs to be realistic to be meaningful. That’s why i changed your hypothetical to something that could possibly happen. Okay, if you assume I fall madly in love with someone without ever knowing anything about them, and then learn that they think homosexuality is morally wrong, what do I do? What else don’t i know about this hypothetical person? Do I ditch dozens of close friends to be with this person? Do I drag him along to events where he and everyone else feels awkward about his presence? Does he live in the closet, not admitting to any of our mutual friends that he thinks they are choosing sin every day? None of those seems like a good option, frankly. Or maybe it would work better if you hypothesize that there are some people wired differently from you, who would never fall in love with a stranger to begin with. There are quite a lot of us out here. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/140 "2015-10-12T13:38:08Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > You ever notice how the only time people are being “intolerant” of peoples religious beliefs is when said religious people are being shitty to a certain group of people? No, I haven’t noticed that, even in this thread. The OP specified that the hypothetical person in question “doesn’t make issues out of it”. I don’t see how that’s being shitty to anyone. Identifying someone’s position on homosexuality as a deal-breaker is no different than any other deal-breaker. But “I could never date somebody who disagreed with me” is different from “you are being shitty by disagreeing with some group” if they take no action against that group. My wife is pro-life; I am pro-choice. Many of my friends are moderately to severely liberal. None of them is being shitty to anyone. Regards, Shodan [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892.md?page=8)