# Would you date someone who thought being gay/lesbian is wrong? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 8, 2015, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892 "2015-10-08T00:54:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/141 "2015-10-12T13:53:33Z")
For me, dating is not about just finding a companion for the theater on Saturday night. I have friends for that, and I don’t get enough time with them as it is. Dating, to me, is about looking for a life partner, and I couldn’t imagine trying to meld those ideas into my life which is full of gay, lesbian, and trans folks who I love. This person has a complete right to believe what they believe, and kudos for them not trying to impose the belief on anybody else. But those values do not match mine. I have many close friends with whom I disagree on any number of issues. Sometimes those issues come to the fore and the friendship fades. Others have been good friends for decades without the issues being anything other than an occasional discussion. But some things are dealbreakers even for a friendship. If you argue loudly that no one can raise a child properly without hitting them, we’re not gonna be friends. And if you think that my gay and lesbian friends are sinning every time they kiss their spouse, if you can look at those loving faces gazing into each other’s eyes and call it wrong, then we’re not going to get along. When I see loving couples it warms my heart; I want someone I can share that with. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/142 "2015-10-12T14:09:24Z")
> [@Gotlift](#): > > Truly powerful. So this girl deserves to be cast aside for her beliefs, even though she is tolerant? Oh, and surely there is some middle ground between “I want to date you” and “I cast you aside”. I think you are being a little dramatic about this. ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_Lowry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Sam\_Lowry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_Lowry)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/143 "2015-10-12T14:20:58Z")
> [@Gotlift](#): > > Truly powerful. So this girl deserves to be cast aside for her beliefs, even though she is tolerant? But in dating, there are a lot of people cast aside. It’s okay to choose not to date someone because they are uncomfortable around gay people, or they are really into dub-step music, or they are a terrible tipper at restaurants, or they have weird hair, or they really want a bunch of kids starting soon, or any number of other reasons. It’s okay to be picky while dating. You might miss out on some otherwise good matches for you, but that’s your prerogative. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/144 "2015-10-12T14:54:08Z")
> [@Sam\_Lowry](#): > > But in dating, there are a lot of people cast aside. It’s okay to choose not to date someone because they are uncomfortable around gay people, or they are really into dub-step music, or they are a terrible tipper at restaurants, or they have weird hair, or they really want a bunch of kids starting soon, or any number of other reasons. It’s okay to be picky while dating. You might miss out on some otherwise good matches for you, but that’s your prerogative. Yup, you said it better than I. People are naturally and understandably pickier about dating than about general socializing. It would be nasty to refuse to socialize with black people, or Englishmen, or Buddhists. It would be common for people of good will to rule any of those categories out of their dating pool. Attraction is a personal and highly specific thing. ---
**Author:** ![Krouget](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b38774/32.png) [@Krouget](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Krouget)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/145 "2015-10-12T16:05:30Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > You just contradicted yourself. You’re dating someone of another race who thinks dating people of another race is wrong. So you couldn’t have dated them before they changed their mind. > > More likely, you were just friends, and no one has said you can’t be friends with someone like this. But dating, even the casual kind, is still a situation where you may wind up falling in love and wanting to be with that person for a long time, maybe even the rest of your life. And if that person is currently a bigot, and you don’t know that they will change, it’s dumb to get into such a relationship. > > There’s a little (but only a little) leeway with friends, but there’s none with someone you date. If you date someone who is homophobic, it means you don’t see homophobia as totally wrong, and thus you are a little homophobic yourself. > > With a friend, there’s at least the possibility you’re not all that close, and you’re giving them a chance to change. But dating is basically a trial phase for intimacy of some kind. I never said I dated them before they changed their mind or that it was an exact parallel. I carefully chose my answer, which was deliberately vague, because it was in response to both an odd question _and_ not the point or focus of this thread. To the point I _did_ make, my position is that people can change, and a combination of their ideas and interactions are very complex. So I believe the OP is not only in a better position to explore where this person falls within a spectrum, but he’s also free to choose whether or not there is value in pursuing the relationship, based on how significant **he feels** this particular issue is. This is as much a question about him, as it is this woman. As such, there is no right or wrong answer, I don’t intend to answer for anyone and I certainly don’t know enough about the OP’s particular situation to speak with absolute authority (hence I’m not arguing anyone else’s opinion…). What I do understand (limited by what’s been told and taking it at face value), is the person in question behaves and conducts themselves one way, socially, but has personal differences which they otherwise keep to themselves. Whether they happen to be convincing enough, or legitimately have friendships which exist despite civil disagreements, I don’t know. I also have no clue if this particular person intends to work on it or not, but in the absence of this information, what’s been described is the very definition of tolerance and the basis for how we should treat people in society who differ from us. What she feels, personally, only came up as an issue when it was discussed between her and the other person she’s grown increasingly intimate with, which -mutually between the two- would seem like the best time to reveal such personal ideas and opinions. _The OP can correct me if my understanding is wrong._ For that reason, I’m not passing judgement in condemning or supporting this person. I was pretty clear in how I would approach it, because the range of emotions tied to relationships often times plays with our inner compass and extends beyond single issues. That answer may not align with how I’d feel if I were forced to take a polarized stance, but it’s where I stand in this scenario. I also understand the gist of what you’re saying, but the difference is that you’re generalizing and making assumptions to fill gaps which suit your perspective. You think it’s fair to do so on a strict basis of principle, but I prefer to give the OP information/perspective and let them choose. > [@](#): > > As for gay people who are okay with people thinking they are fundamentally wrong and going to hell for who they are–I’ve not met them, but I’m sure they exist. But I see them on the same level as those Jewish people who have neo-Nazi friends. > > You don’t really have principles if you don’t stand up for them. I can say I’m not racist all I want, but if I regularly hang out with racist people, I’m lying. > > So, yeah, said Jewish person is just the prototypical “self-hating Jew.” I’m not sure what you’re on about, but please don’t quote me with this stuff, because it insinuates that I previously said or took such a position. ---
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/146 "2015-10-12T16:41:53Z")
> [@Gotlift](#): > > To actually hold the position that anyone who thinks homosexuality is a sin or is morally wrong is clearly not a good person and has nothing to offer in terms of a romantic relationship or couldn’t possibly have good qualities as well is an extreme point of view and probably speaks more to your flaws than to theirs. No one advocated that position, so what you’ve posted here is a strawman. Saying ‘this person has a quality that means I don’t want to date them’ is not the same thing as saying that they have no good qualities at all, it is simply saying that they have enough of at least one bad quality that I don’t want to date them. On it’s own, believing that homosexuality (or ‘engaging in homosexual acts’) is morally wrong does show a distinct lack of empathy and blatant hypocrisy, both of which are qualities I don’t want in a partner, and (as people keep pointing out) doesn’t exist on it’s own, but is almost certainly correlated with a lot of other beliefs that I don’t want in a partner. Stepping back from the specifics, there seems to be a really weird philosophy of dating behind the criticism here. It seems like you believe that people shouldn’t filter out partners for anything except certain narrow criteria, and that wanting to date people that think they are their friends are morally OK is some kind of dark, intolerant attitude. And the hypothetical is just weird - I don’t know anyone who would just fall so deeply in love with someone who they can’t even speak to that that they’d want to leave their current life, country, family, and friends just to be with them. I’m sure there are some people who would, but I doubt that even 1% of people are wired in a way that scenario could happen. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/147 "2015-10-12T20:13:53Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > No, I haven’t noticed that, even in this thread. The OP specified that the hypothetical person in question “doesn’t make issues out of it”. I don’t see how that’s being shitty to anyone. > > Identifying someone’s position on homosexuality as a deal-breaker is no different than any other deal-breaker. But “I could never date somebody who disagreed with me” is different from “you are being shitty by disagreeing with some group” if they take no action against that group. > > My wife is pro-life; I am pro-choice. Many of my friends are moderately to severely liberal. None of them is being shitty to anyone. > > Regards, > Shodan I don’t disagree with anything you’ve said here. Hell, my ex wife was Christian and I am an Atheist. While we had many problems, our religious views were never one of them. (Mind you, she never had a problem with the gays.) I guess I was speaking more to the extreme. People tend not to give a shit how others worship or what they believe. It ins’t until these more extreme folks start taking a proactive stance that negatively affect others that tend to piss people off. Kim Davis would be as perfect example of this. Nobody gives a fuck if this woman thinks being gay is “wrong”. It’s the fact that she is using her position of power to force her beliefs on others is what’s pissing people off. We are not being ‘intolerant’ of her religious views. We just want her to stop acting like a dick. Believe whatever you want to believe. ---
**Author:** ![CT\_Damsel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CT\_Damsel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CT_Damsel)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/148 "2015-10-12T20:30:22Z")
Absolute deal breaker. I will not date or be friends with anyone who is intolerant in anyway. I spend a lot of time alone. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2015, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/149 "2015-10-12T20:32:27Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally Posted by Grrr! > You ever notice how the only time people are being “intolerant” of peoples religious beliefs is when said religious people are being shitty to a certain group of people? Not me. I couldn’t date or marry anyone who believed in a god. And I will acknowledge some people who believe in god are not shitty to anyone. In fact, some are practically saints. I’m still intolerant, but there you have it. ---
**Author:** ![BrightSunshine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b3f665/32.png) [@BrightSunshine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrightSunshine)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2015, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/150 "2015-10-13T02:31:59Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > My wife is pro-life; I am pro-choice. This combination works better than the other way around, since there is no chance of you getting an abortion. I am a (mostly) heterosexual woman who is pro-choice. When I was dating I was careful never to date a pro-life man. Even if he was the nicest kind of pro-life, he still fundamentally disagrees that I have the ultimate right to control my body in the event of pregnancy. That would be creepy and disturbing since every time we have sex there would be a chance of pregnancy. ---
**Author:** ![carnut](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnut/32/3531_2.png) [@carnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnut)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2015, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892/151 "2015-10-13T03:52:34Z")
I could not be close friends with someone who believed gay is wrong or doesn’t really exist. Casual friends? Maybe. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-date-someone-who-thought-being-gay-lesbian-is-wrong/733892.md?page=7)