# Would you forgive a cheating spouse? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 10, 2013, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833 "2013-10-10T00:52:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/21 "2013-10-10T03:23:48Z")
In my first marriage I was a serial cheater. I didn’t conciously understand why but I knew something very important was missing in my marriage. We had plenty of sex, seldom fought but no real closeness, I felt she married me to take care of her daughter and herself. After 18 years of marriage she caught me and within 2 years we were divorced. I will never forget the hurt look on her face when she found out, it tore me apart. I never cheated on a woman since. In this particular case if she would have forgiven me I think it would have worked out. The finanacial damage, loss of our business, the affect on the kids, it was a nightmare. No piece of tail is worth the pain it causes. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/22 "2013-10-10T03:35:56Z")
> [@TonySinclair](#): > > No. I can see living with someone I don’t love, but not with someone I can’t trust. If I didn’t love him, I don’t think I’d be super bothered about the cheating. If I didn’t trust him about anything, obviously that would be a problem, but not every cheater is untrustworthy about everything. And for me it \*is \*about the sex-with-someone-else thing, not just about the betrayal like the rest of you enlightened people. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/23 "2013-10-10T05:24:45Z")
> [@LinusK](#): > > I’m assuming you’re ok with her cheating with a woman, yes? I would be OK with that, if I could watch. Heck, I’d encourage it. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/24 "2013-10-10T05:30:51Z")
I have done this. It still didn’t work out as she never forgave herself. ---
**Author:** ![dracoi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/90db22/32.png) [@dracoi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dracoi)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 6:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/25 "2013-10-10T06:29:18Z")
I could forgive it. I would, however, take a good look at the whole situation - the conditions surrounding the cheating, the status of the marriage, etc. - and do some serious thinking about whether the relationship is worth continuing. The cheating itself would not be a single unforgivable deal-breaker, but it would carry some real weight. I could even see scenarios where I might see how some of my behaviors may have lead to the cheating and be willing to do some mutual working on our issues. ---
**Author:** ![Charley](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/97f17d/32.png) [@Charley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charley)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 7:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/26 "2013-10-10T07:19:22Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > Some hypothetical husband? Hell no. My actual husband? Of course. He’s not just some guy . . .he’s my family. I’d forgive him the way I’d forgive my mom or my sister if they did something terrible to me, and the standards to break it off with him are about the same as the standards to break it off with my sister–i.e, hypothetically possible, but pretty damn extreme. > > If he were at a point where he was cheating on me, he’d be pretty miserable/confused/wrecked. I would be to, of course. But I don’t know how I would get through that without him: having a person to work with when you need to figure a way out of miserable/confused/wrecked is what a marriage is. Unless he wanted to leave–which is a really different thing–we’d work it out together. > > On the other hand, if I found out about some on-going 10 year affair or something, well, then, that’d be different. Because he wouldn’t be the person I think he is, it would turn out he was just some guy all along. I could have written this post myself - this is exactly how I feel. This man? This husband? I can think of very few things I could not forgive him for and I can’t conceive of him doing any of them, in truth. ---
**Author:** ![scootergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e99b99/32.png) [@scootergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scootergirl)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 8:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/27 "2013-10-10T08:13:47Z")
As others have said - circumstances vary, and decisions are often made depending on ones situation. Personally, at this point in my life having been married and divorced before, kids almost gone, and in a steady monogamous relationship with a very healthy and fun sex life, as well as trust and love for each other that took time to build up - nope, I would not forgive. For me, it would take too long to rebuild the trust. ---
**Author:** ![Dervorin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Dervorin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dervorin)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 8:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/28 "2013-10-10T08:38:55Z")
> [@dracoi](#): > > I could forgive it. > > I would, however, take a good look at the whole situation - the conditions surrounding the cheating, the status of the marriage, etc. - and do some serious thinking about whether the relationship is worth continuing. The cheating itself would not be a single unforgivable deal-breaker, but it would carry some real weight. I could even see scenarios where I might see how some of my behaviors may have lead to the cheating and be willing to do some mutual working on our issues. This sums it up for me. I think forgiveness is quite likely, because a) I don’t honestly think it’s such a terrible unforgivable transgression and b) I’ve been tempted by opportunity in the past, so can understand how it might have come about. I actually think there are other things I’d find much harder to forgive than cheating. Drug use, for example. ---
**Author:** ![Meatros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Meatros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meatros)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/29 "2013-10-10T12:39:50Z")
> [@Rushgeekgirl](#): > > Probably not. **It’s not just about putting his peepee somewhere else**. It’s the betrayal of trust. This board has warped me. The **very first thing I thought** of when I read the bold was a toaster… ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/30 "2013-10-10T12:46:13Z")
I would happily forgive any cheating spouse, so long as she wasn’t mine. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/31 "2013-10-10T12:59:05Z")
It’s possible. Just depends on the circumstances that led to the cheating, who it was with, for how long, etc. It definitely doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker, but it could be. ---
**Author:** ![dba\_Fred](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c37758/32.png) [@dba\_Fred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dba_Fred)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/32 "2013-10-10T13:07:10Z")
> [@Meatros](#): > > This board has warped me. > > The **very first thing I thought** of when I read the bold was a toaster… You haven’t been warped enough by this board or sheep would have been the very **first** thing you thought of (Hi Hal!) My answer to the question: No, doesn’t matter if she cheated with another man, woman, toaster or sheep. ---
**Author:** ![CLee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@CLee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CLee)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/33 "2013-10-10T13:38:18Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > Are you saying that if you lost interest in your SO it’s okay if they cheat on you? It seems like a better way to handle that would be to discuss it and decide that until the issue is resolved that you can have an open (semi-open anyways) relationship. I mean, what if your SO says “well, we only had sex twice last week so I slept with Pat the other 5 nights, you always said I could do that if your sex drive dropped off” Communication is key. > > Funny thing about that. Towards the end of my marriage my (now ex) wife wasn’t ‘interested’ in me and basically told me to do that. I’d be going out with some friends and she say ‘oh, do you think she’ll have sex with you’. She blamed her lack of sex drive on her anti-depressants or her birth control. I figured out later her lack of sex drive wasn’t due to her meds it was due to her sleeping with someone else and her trying to get me to sleep without someone else was probably her way of a)making her feel better about it b)her way of getting out of the marriage by then deciding she just couldn’t deal me having slept around PLUS she’d get to tell people I cheated on her or c)she actually felt bad for me and was just trying to get me laid. > I honestly think it was a little of each, but no good would have come from it. No, I would forgive a one time thing if I stopped paying attention to my husband and I’d consider it a wake up call. Maybe it was d) she no longer wanted to be married but still cared for you and wanted to encourage you to seek happiness somewhere else since she already had one foot out the door. ---
**Author:** ![LinusK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@LinusK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LinusK)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/34 "2013-10-10T13:45:18Z")
> [@Superhal](#): > > Depends on the situation. If it was like brad Pitt or something, sure I’d let that one slide, but i get to do Sharon stone if the opportunity ever arises. And the dude better be rich too, no wife of mine is going to bang some homeless dude or a former child star. Bare minimum would be the bassist from a boy band with at least one platinum record. \*\*Also, she has to say sex with me was better. \*\* > > Now that i think about it, if she banged the delivery guy, i would actually feel sorry for her. Aim for at least like a stockbroker or someone who owns a fairly large company, or at least someone who has a higher social status than me, and im already in the top 10% of males already by educational attainment. That’s a good point. I hadn’t even thought of that one. Not sure I’d want it to be Brad Pitt though. Maybe somebody between Brad and the delivery boy. Though if she said I was better than Brad, that would be a bit of an ego boost. ---
**Author:** ![Doyle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doyle/32/439_2.png) [@Doyle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doyle)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/35 "2013-10-10T13:47:38Z")
Nope. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/36 "2013-10-10T13:56:29Z")
> [@Superhal](#): > > Depends on the situation. If it was like brad Pitt or something, sure I’d let that one slide, but i get to do Sharon stone if the opportunity ever arises. And the dude better be rich too, no wife of mine is going to bang some homeless dude or a former child star. Bare minimum would be the bassist from a boy band with at least one platinum record. Also, she has to say sex with me was better. > > Now that i think about it, if she banged the delivery guy, i would actually feel sorry for her. Aim for at least like a stockbroker or someone who owns a fairly large company, or at least someone who has a higher social status than me, and im already in the top 10% of males already by educational attainment. [QUOTE=LinusK] lThat’s a good point. I hadn’t even thought of that one. Not sure I’d want it to be Brad Pitt though. Maybe somebody between Brad and the delivery boy. Though if she said I was better than Brad, that would be a bit of an ego boost. [/quote] So it’s cool if your wife cheats on you with someone out of your league? What if your wife is pretty much out of your league and she’s only with you because she had some self-esteem issues to work out and one day she realizes, hey, what am I doing with\*\* Superhal/LinusK \*\*when I can be with Brad Pitt! Still feel like your ego is boosted? So she’s pathetic for sleeping with the UPS guy and you feel insulted, but she’s not pathetic for sleeping with someone far better looking and richer than you, because what… that’s a compliment to you? That’s seriously fucked up. IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/37 "2013-10-10T14:05:05Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > So it’s cool if your wife cheats on you with someone out of your league? What if your wife is pretty much out of your league and she’s only with you because she had some self-esteem issues to work out and one day she realizes, hey, what am I doing with\*\* Superhal/LinusK \*\*when I can be with Brad Pitt! > > Still feel like your ego is boosted? > > So she’s pathetic for sleeping with the UPS guy and you feel insulted, but she’s not pathetic for sleeping with someone far better looking and richer than you, because what… that’s a compliment to you? > > That’s seriously fucked up. IMHO. I think you seriously missed the point. I’ll have Ross explain the concept of “[The List](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NIBxJgUolw&noredirect=1)” Basically, what those two are saying is if their wives have a chance to bang a hot celebrity, they should take it. This isn’t a self-esteem thing. There’s also a comedian that says “I put Sharon Stone on my list and she put Jose the landscaper on hers” That’s the whole point. It’s not going to happen…but if it did, you’ve given each other ‘permission’ to go for it. If you actually do have a chance to sleep with some hot celebrity (NSA), don’t pass it up on my account. ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/38 "2013-10-10T14:11:08Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > That’s seriously fucked up. IMHO. I like the “homeless dude or a former child star” part. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Apocalypso](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Apocalypso](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Apocalypso)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/39 "2013-10-10T14:11:36Z")
I am still newly-wed - married August 2012 - but I’ve always said that trust is the most important aspect of a relationship and the foundation on which it’s built. Take the trust away and you have a house built on sand. I would be absolutely devastated if my wife cheated on me, and I know she’d feel the same if I cheated on her. It’s very difficult to say now, unclouded by emotions and turmoil, what I would do. I really love my wife and I know she feels the same so it’s really difficult to picture either of us cheating. I think I would try to get past it, but it would change the nature of our entire relationship, and I’d have to wonder how solid our marriage really is. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/40 "2013-10-10T14:12:34Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > I think you seriously missed the point. I don’t think so. The OP doesn’t say anything a CILF list. However, both Superhal and LinusK seem to agree that they’d be okay of their wife was fucking someone above their pay grade. I’m questioning the part where that’s somehow a “compliment” to them. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833.md?page=3)