# Would you forgive a cheating spouse? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 10, 2013, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833 "2013-10-10T00:52:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Not\_a\_Platypus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d26b3c/32.png) [@Not\_a\_Platypus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Not_a_Platypus)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/41 "2013-10-10T14:18:56Z")
Hypothetically, I would forgive him but it would take a lot of work to get our relationship back on solid ground. It would especially hurt because we’ve discussed the possibility of an open relationship, so there’s already an expectation that we can talk to each other if one of us finds another person attractive enough to pursue. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/42 "2013-10-10T14:20:14Z")
> [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](#): > > I like the “homeless dude or a former child star” part. 😃 So if his wife fucked Justin Timberlake, he’d be what? Conflicted? ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/43 "2013-10-10T14:28:21Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > I don’t think so. The OP doesn’t say anything a CILF list. However, both Superhal and LinusK seem to agree that they’d be okay of their wife was fucking someone above their pay grade. I’m questioning the part where that’s somehow a “compliment” to them. You’re implying that they’d be regularly sleeping with someone making more money then them (fucking someone above their paygrade). Superhal said “If it was like brad Pitt or something, sure I’d let that one slide” which would imply that if she slept with a celebrity once, he’d be okay with that. There’s a world of difference between what he said and the words you put in his mouth. (FTR, I’m not saying I agree or disagree, I’m just pointing this out) ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/44 "2013-10-10T14:38:00Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > You’re implying that they’d be regularly sleeping with someone making more money then them (fucking someone above their paygrade). No “regularly sleeping with” was intentionally implied. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/45 "2013-10-10T14:40:52Z")
> [@LinusK](#): > > I’m assuming you’re ok with her cheating with a woman, yes? Yep. I knew a married guy who surprised me by making that statement, and on reflection found myself realizing that, _huh, yeah, I, too, could shrug that off;_ I’ve considered it every now and then in the decade-plus since, and upon pondering the hypothetical have never yet managed to really give a crap. ---
**Author:** ![randomface](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/5fc32e/32.png) [@randomface](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/randomface)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/46 "2013-10-10T14:43:42Z")
> [@LinusK](#): > > And are you actually arrived, or are you speaking hypothetically? > What would make a difference? > The length of the marriage? Children? Whether you’re still having sex? > What if if it was a one time thing, or if it was with a mutual friend, or collegue? > Would it make a difference if you found out, or if he/she confessed? > > I suspect I’m on the more forgiving side. If it was a one-time thing, with someone I didn’t know, and and there was confession and contrition, I think I could forgive. > > What say you? My ex-wife and I discussed divorce because she was abusive to me. During this discussion, she admitted she had cheated on me and then was screaming at me to hit her or get angry after I reacted by going numb. She went to counselling over the next few months and was trying to reconcile with me, and I might have, other than for the cheating. After I moved out and told her there wasn’t a chance to fix things with me, she had another man moved into my house within a week (I was trying to be nice and give her a chance to get her life in order, so I agreed to pay for the rent and utilities for 3 months). I have no idea who it was with and don’t know any details about how many times or anything like that. I do know that our relationship was dead at that point. Her stated reason for cheating on me was because I had accused her of cheating on me. She missed so much class that she was almost failing out and I asked what she was doing if not going to class and if she was cheating on me, and apparently that pushed her into cheating. We were married 4 years and had no children, although that wouldn’t have stopped me from leaving. ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/47 "2013-10-10T14:56:04Z")
I assume I would try. I also know for a fact I would fail miserably at it. I would never look at them the same way, feel the same, and worse treat them the same. Whatever problems led to the cheating would be brushed away as “blaming the victim” and go completely unaddressed and the relationship would end catastrophically with me feeling like she was an ungrateful bitch and her feeling like I turned into a complete asshole. I hope if I’m ever in that situation I am strong enough to walk away the minute I find out because the relationship is doomed either way, but I fear I am not. ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/48 "2013-10-10T15:00:54Z")
My first wife started cheating with a co-worker after we’d been married only 6 months (we had lived together for over a year before that). She seemed contrite and wanted to work it out and I was willing to forgive. We went to counseling, but she didn’t like the counselor so that didn’t last. After I kept seeing his phone number on our long distance phone bill I said we can’t reconcile if this continues, and she moved out. So I can forgive the past but not the present. ---
**Author:** ![JerrySTL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e274bd/32.png) [@JerrySTL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JerrySTL)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/49 "2013-10-10T15:02:52Z")
I might be able to forgive, but I’d never forget. That alone might poison the relationship. Cheat a second time? No way in hell. My wife told me even once was the end of our marriage. We’ve been married for 36 years now. ---
**Author:** ![LinusK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@LinusK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LinusK)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/50 "2013-10-10T15:23:50Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > So it’s cool if your wife cheats on you with someone out of your league? What if your wife is pretty much out of your league and she’s only with you because she had some self-esteem issues to work out and one day she realizes, hey, what am I doing with\*\* Superhal/LinusK \*\*when I can be with Brad Pitt! > > Still feel like your ego is boosted? > > So she’s pathetic for sleeping with the UPS guy and you feel insulted, but she’s not pathetic for sleeping with someone far better looking and richer than you, because what… that’s a compliment to you? > > That’s seriously fucked up. IMHO. So let me ask you a question. You and your family are in a NAZI death camp. The only way to escape is if your wife/husband sleeps with the camp Kommander. Would you rather it was Angelina Jolie, or Roseanne Barr? Or Brad Pitt or Dick Chaney? Personally, if my wife slept with Dick Chaney, I don’t think I’d ever want to touch her again. PS: on the “fucked up” charge, my plea is “no contest”. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/51 "2013-10-10T15:34:52Z")
> [@LinusK](#): > > So let me ask you a question. You and your family are in a NAZI death camp. That escalated quickly. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/52 "2013-10-10T15:47:16Z")
> [@LinusK](#): > > So let me ask you a question. You and your family are in a NAZI death camp. The only way to escape is if your wife/husband sleeps with the camp Kommander. Would you rather it was Angelina Jolie, or Roseanne Barr? Or Brad Pitt or Dick Chaney? > > Personally, if my wife slept with Dick Chaney, I don’t think I’d ever want to touch her again. > > PS: on the “fucked up” charge, my plea is “no contest”. 😉 You’re changing the premis now. If this is about taking one for the team, it’s not really cheating, is it? And now I’m picturing Dick Chaney as a Nazi death camp kommander and Roseanne Barr as his secretary. Thanks for that visual. Off to bleach the mental image from my mind. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/53 "2013-10-10T15:51:37Z")
How are you defining “cheating”? (Or is this thread for monogamous / sexually exclusive people only?) I can imagine several flavors of lying or breaking faith that would make me unhappy but it’s difficult to come up with any where forgiveness was truly unlikely unless a partner set me up on purpose to be hurt or otherwise subjected to awful treatment or something. Or did something massively destructive to someone else in my life that I cared for. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/54 "2013-10-10T15:58:16Z")
> [@Onomatopoeia](#): > > Absolutely not. I’m coming up on 24 years of marriage, which means I’ve been married to the same woman for almost half my life. After all we’ve been through together, if she cheated on me it would be more of a betrayal than I could stand. Yeah - I’ve only been married 16 years, but I have put \*everything \*into this marriage. If she demonstrated that its value was less than sex with someone else, I’d be out. I might eventually forgive her, but I’d divorce her. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/55 "2013-10-10T16:39:37Z")
It’s happened to me twice. I will never forgive it from either one of them. ---
**Author:** ![CLee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@CLee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CLee)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/56 "2013-10-10T16:49:27Z")
Follow up question, were those unforgiving cheated on spouses blameless? I mean, were you attentive and responsive and kind before your spouse strayed? If you feel like sharing, that is. ---
**Author:** ![Neo-Calredic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/96bed5/32.png) [@Neo-Calredic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neo-Calredic)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/57 "2013-10-10T17:31:13Z")
I have forgiven my now-wife, then-GF for cheating on me. She actually left me for another man, and quickly realized that she’d made a huge mistake in doing so. There were a lot of other emotional factors involved as well – we had just moved across the country together, I was working a ton of OT at my new job, she really hadn’t had any chance to connect with anyone or anything in our new location yet, etc. Point being, I still loved her and missed her like crazy, and weighing all the factors I believed she was worth a second chance. So we got back together and have been happy ever since. Was I taking a risk? Sure, but everything has worked out for the best. I’d be lying if I said I my trust for her is as perfect now as it once was, but I do truly believe she regrets her decision and would not make the same mistake again. Sometimes people fuck up. My life would be far less happy now had I refused to take her back. ---
**Author:** ![NVME702-redux](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/a183cd/32.png) [@NVME702-redux](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NVME702-redux)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/58 "2013-10-10T17:43:19Z")
I cant say I’ve completely forgiven, I’ve tried but I an assure you I have not FORGOTTEN, especially because of the way I found out. SO had been acting weird a few days after a dust up at home and something in me told me to do the unthinkable and check his phone. And there I found irrefutable, damning evidence…a video of the illicit act. At first I thought it was video of a work site but continued into more …and more and then I checked the date (as of it was another year another time another life) and it was the day before, when I had been home lovingly calling him asking how his day had gone. And it was a complete act, with a random nobody. Do I forgive? His excuse was ULTRA weak but I love him. Can I forget? No, sadly. ---
**Author:** ![Obnoxious\_Hood\_Ornament](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/3be4f8/32.png) [@Obnoxious\_Hood\_Ornament](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Obnoxious_Hood_Ornament)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/59 "2013-10-10T17:46:36Z")
In response to OP’s original query, my answer is an emphatic “No.” I will not cheat on my partner, and expect the same in return. Trust is the foundation of all relationships. If I can’t trust you, there is no relationship. If things should sour in the long term, divorce is always an option. Infidelity, however, is unbecoming behavior and I refuse to tolerate it. Yes, I’ll step off my soapbox now :o ---
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833/60 "2013-10-10T17:56:56Z")
I’m not married, but having been cheated on by SOs in the past and having been the child of divorce myself, I’ve got to say anyone who can unequivocally say yes or no to this question seems short-sighted. What is damaging about cheating is the violation of trust. Sleeping with someone else isn’t just an accident, it requires a series of choices that, even in the absolute best case scenario, means very poor judgment in getting into situations like that. But still, even as bad as it is, I do think there’s a difference in the degree of betrayal between a drunken hook-up, and a longterm affair. The latter one is particularly bad because the person is clearly doing it knowingly and it involves subterfuge and a weak conscience. OTOH, there’s major consequences to ending a relationship, particularly marriages, because having joint property, having kids, legal battles. Sometimes even a major violation of trust can be less painful than dealing with that stuff, particularly when kids are involved. So, for me, I can’t say just because I may have been cheated on by a spouse that I’d necessarily go one way or the other. Sure, if we had no kids, and a found out through walking in on them or from a mutual acquaintance that she was either in a longterm affair or a serial cheater, I’d almost certainly give her the boot. But if we had kids, and she maybe let loose a little, got drunk, had a drunken hook-up, and confessed to me soon thereafter, I imagine we’d be able to work it out and move on. Chances are, a situation in between would be a lot more difficult to work out. If we had fairly young kids and she was having an affair, I just can’t say how willing I’d be to consider trying to hold things together for the kids. The specifics of how cooperative she is with working things out, the maturity of the kids, our financial situation, etc. would all have complicated impacts on that decision. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-forgive-a-cheating-spouse/670833.md?page=4)