# Would you get involved with someone after their suicide attempt? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 30, 2010, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-get-involved-with-someone-after-their-suicide-attempt/545076 "2010-06-30T15:37:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![BleizDu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9dc877/32.png) [@BleizDu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BleizDu)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2010, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-get-involved-with-someone-after-their-suicide-attempt/545076/21 "2010-07-01T05:40:16Z")
When I became involved with my partner, it has been less than a year since their suicide attempt. It was only an attempt because their current partner at that time went back home unexpectedly. My partner was in depression. I don’t remember when I learned that. Up until he radically changed his lifestyle, he felt suicidal several times during the first year of our relationship. I would without hesitation date him again, but I don’t know if I would react the same with another person. > [@Anaamika](#): > > How could I ever understand? Be there for them? Sympathize? I could never “get it”. I would not be good for them and they would not be good for me. Your post is interesting to me because I’m also someone who is never really depressed, and yet I had a different line of thought. When my partner was depressed, I was able to help by taking care of things like cooking or tidying up the home, making sure he was taking his meds and simply being there. Moving away from an environment that didn’t help improve his moods, on the contrary, was a huge help too, and alone he wouldn’t have done that. ---
**Author:** ![Reply](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/reply/32/15952_2.png) [@Reply](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reply)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2010, 8:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-get-involved-with-someone-after-their-suicide-attempt/545076/22 "2010-07-01T08:10:35Z")
… ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2010, 8:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-get-involved-with-someone-after-their-suicide-attempt/545076/23 "2010-07-01T08:50:03Z")
I wouldn’t, because there’s too many people out there who haven’t. If the world ever was in a situation where the only available partner were two people who tried to commit suicide 10 years ago vs 9 years ago, then I might change my mind. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2010, 10:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-get-involved-with-someone-after-their-suicide-attempt/545076/24 "2010-07-01T10:44:09Z")
> [@Lazz](#): > > Your post is interesting to me because I’m also someone who is never really depressed, and yet I had a different line of thought. When my partner was depressed, I was able to help by taking care of things like cooking or tidying up the home, making sure he was taking his meds and simply being there. > Moving away from an environment that didn’t help improve his moods, on the contrary, was a huge help too, and alone he wouldn’t have done that. Honestly, I can’t decide whether this is mostly admirable or mostly pitiable. And please understand I don’t mean to be insulting at all, I’m just trying to figure out what YOU got out of the relationship. I’d want no part of someone who required so much care and feeding. If I want to clean around someone who won’t get off the couch, I’ll have more kids. In a romantic relationship, I want a _partner_. I understand that everyone needs to be taken care of occasionally, but everyone includes me, so why would I choose someone I can’t count on to do that? Oh, and to address the OP, a one-off attempt long ago may not faze me much, depending on the circumstances. It’s ongoing emotional problems that I don’t want to deal with. ---
**Author:** ![BleizDu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9dc877/32.png) [@BleizDu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BleizDu)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2010, 11:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-get-involved-with-someone-after-their-suicide-attempt/545076/25 "2010-07-01T11:05:01Z")
Haha no I understand, no offense taken. If he had been like that from the beginning and if I would have thought his symptoms would have stayed the same for months (I don’t have a clear recollection of how long he spent in that particular depressed state where I had to take care of him), I don’t think I would have stand it. I had faith he could get better and would get better. As it turned out that was the case, and we’ve been together for four years now. (which is why I don’t know if I could do that with another person, too much different parameters to ponder.) ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2010, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-get-involved-with-someone-after-their-suicide-attempt/545076/26 "2010-07-01T13:16:57Z")
> [@Reply](#): > > .. Best user name/quote/saying-written-under-user-name ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2010, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-get-involved-with-someone-after-their-suicide-attempt/545076/27 "2010-07-01T13:38:01Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > It’s hard to talk about hypotheticals, but I am awfully spoiled being married to a man who is an emotional rock. In fact, I am much better at being supportive of my friends who live dramatic lives because I can go home to a place where, frankly, my emotions can swing all over the place and he remains stable. I would not want to have to be the emotionally stable one in a relationship, and I suspect that people who have attempted suicide in the last few years would be less likely to provide the sort of extraordinary stability I have come to expect. > > Rereading this, I need to be nicer to my husband! This is me, too. I have chronic depression. I’m also, as a person, just generally rather emotional. My husband, he’s like _immobile_. He’s so utterly predictable and safe and rational and calm. It’s so perfect for my temperament, I really can’t imagine any other dynamic. [QUOTE=DianaG] Honestly, I can’t decide whether this is mostly admirable or mostly pitiable. And please understand I don’t mean to be insulting at all, I’m just trying to figure out what YOU got out of the relationship. I’d want no part of someone who required so much care and feeding. If I want to clean around someone who won’t get off the couch, I’ll have more kids. In a romantic relationship, I want a _partner_. I understand that everyone needs to be taken care of occasionally, but everyone includes me, so why would I choose someone I can’t count on to do that? [/QUOTE] As a person with chronic depression, I’m sorry, I find this really insulting. I’m curious to know if you’d make a similar judgment about someone married to a cancer patient or a quadripalegic or someone with diabetes. It’s one thing to say ‘‘not my cup of tea’’ and another thing entirely to say you find it \*pitiable \*that anyone would choose to be with us. We have just as much to offer a relationship as any other human being. To imply otherwise does not much more beyond perpetuate the stigma of mental illness. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2010, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-get-involved-with-someone-after-their-suicide-attempt/545076/28 "2010-07-01T13:49:53Z")
I’m sorry you’re insulted, but honestly, choosing to stay with someone you \*already \*love who gets cancer or becomes paralyzed or diabetic or depressed is one thing. \*Starting \*a relationship with someone who requires constant care makes me want to suggest that you consider a puppy, or at least a bit of self-reflection. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2010, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-get-involved-with-someone-after-their-suicide-attempt/545076/29 "2010-07-01T13:55:28Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > I’m sorry you’re insulted, but honestly, choosing to stay with someone you \*already \*love who gets cancer or becomes paralyzed or diabetic or depressed is one thing. \*Starting \*a relationship with someone who requires constant care makes me want to suggest that you consider a puppy, or at least a bit of self-reflection. I wouldn’t have used this wording, but I agree with the sentiment. Am I a bad egg because I don’t want to date someone with serious issues? If you’re depressed, live with crippling anxiety, have any other variety of mental disorders, have no legs, can’t speak, can’t control your bowels, live in a box under the freeway, have Alzheimer’s, are chronically unemployable, are dying of AIDS, or whatever, I don’t find you to be dateable. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2010, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-get-involved-with-someone-after-their-suicide-attempt/545076/30 "2010-07-01T14:28:41Z")
I think there’s a world of difference between saying "I wouldn’t want to deal with that in a relationship’ and “I can’t see why anyone would want to deal with that in a relationship unless they have issues of their own”. Relationships are not equal opportunity. You should be with someone you want, not someone you can’t “justify” breaking up with, and there’s nothing wrong with irrational dealbreakers. But, thank god, we don’t all have the same ones. A lot of people would consider my husband undateable because he’s 4’11" and crippled. That’s fine: if being athletic with someone is an important part of your relationship dynamic, then you shouldn’t date a cripple. But I’d be pissed as hell if anyone thought there was something wrong with me for dating/marrying a short cripple, or that I was lacking, or settling, or needed to go reflect in the corner for a while. I imagine people fall in love with people who have mental health problems for the same reasons as anyone falls in love with anyone: they enjoy their company, they find a sympathetic worldview, they are physically attracted, they find something admirable about their character. It doesn’t mean their is something wrong with them. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2010, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-get-involved-with-someone-after-their-suicide-attempt/545076/31 "2010-07-01T14:29:20Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Am I a bad egg because I don’t want to date someone with serious issues? If you’re depressed, live with crippling anxiety, have any other variety of mental disorders, have no legs, can’t speak, can’t control your bowels, live in a box under the freeway, have Alzheimer’s, are chronically unemployable, are dying of AIDS, or whatever, I don’t find you to be dateable. I think **olives** ’ point was not that a person can’t decide for themselves who they want to date, but that the statement was implied that NO ONE should want to date a person who needs care. You may actually agree with both statements, but I don’t think they’re equivalent. ETA: Just a minute too slow and a quite a bit less eloquent. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2010, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-get-involved-with-someone-after-their-suicide-attempt/545076/32 "2010-07-01T14:36:19Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > I wouldn’t have used this wording, but I agree with the sentiment. > > Am I a bad egg because I don’t want to date someone with serious issues? If you’re depressed, live with crippling anxiety, have any other variety of mental disorders, have no legs, can’t speak, can’t control your bowels, live in a box under the freeway, have Alzheimer’s, are chronically unemployable, are dying of AIDS, or whatever, I don’t find you to be dateable. On preview: I just deleted all the inelegant crap I had here, 'cuz **Manda Jo** totally nailed it. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2010, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-get-involved-with-someone-after-their-suicide-attempt/545076/33 "2010-07-01T14:41:15Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I think there’s a world of difference between saying "I wouldn’t want to deal with that in a relationship’ and “I can’t see why anyone would want to deal with that in a relationship unless they have issues of their own”. Fair enough. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2010, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-get-involved-with-someone-after-their-suicide-attempt/545076/34 "2010-07-01T14:54:44Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I will admit that I have a shameful eyerolly reaction to suicide **attempts** rather than suicide **success** , as well. Does this mean you would be more likely to enter into a romantic relationship with someone that was a successful suicider over someone that failed in their attempt? ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2010, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-get-involved-with-someone-after-their-suicide-attempt/545076/35 "2010-07-01T16:01:07Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > I honestly think there isn’t much difference on the ‘‘tragedy scale’’ between someone who would deliberately injure themselves out of a need for people to show they care and someone who just wants to be dead. I also think the line can be quite blurred. When people are at their most depressed, they need attention and love and support. It’s perfectly possible for a part of you to want to be dead and another part of you to want to live and just get the help you need. And it’s possible for you to want to be more dead in one second and want to be more rescued the next. Whichever way one falls on the spectrum, the suffering is enormous. I think, after really puzzling over it, my big problem is the manipulative nature of it. You and I probably have different notions about the real treatability of depression and certain mental conditions. I was married to a person with low-level chronic depression that was almost certainly brought on by essentially getting a death sentence when he was 33 and suffered a massive heart attack. Though he was never suicidal (explicitly. He did do things that were almost tacitly suicidal, like wanting to sit around and eat pizza and doughnuts, but that’s not quite the same thing), I would completely understand someone like him saying “This isn’t going to go away, so I will.” I’ve told the story before about someone I knew who committed suicide. A very nice man with a family history of incredibly difficult mental health issues. One side of his family has bipolar and extreme alcoholism running rampant. The other side for him has bipolar, schizophrenia and, I think, something else. He was in treatment his entire adult life. His brother was a violent felon and wanted by the cops. His sister was in and out of facilities. He was married with two young children and felt one day that he was slipping toward something violent. So he shot his head off. It’s possible for suicide to be rational, and it’s possible for suicide to beby someone who is trying to manipulate others and look like a tormented victim (akin to the woman who claimed to have been assaulted by Obama supporters who scratched a backwards “B” onto her own face). Sure the latter people have something wrong with them, but when your desire is not to end your own pain but to create pain for others, I lose sympathy. Yeah, the “LOOK AT ME!” impulse might be a valid problem, but when it comes to a relationship, well, someone who communicates via self-harm is not great relationship material. Some people might be able to tolerate it, but it’s never a good thing. > [@](#): > > Also, I’m beginning to really believe that even people who successfully attempt suicide really didn’t want to die–they just wanted the pain to end. I think these two goals can be the same goal. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2010, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-get-involved-with-someone-after-their-suicide-attempt/545076/36 "2010-07-01T16:11:32Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Never. Why? > > I’ve never been that depressed. I fully acknowledge a good portion of this is just due to natural biology and chemistry - I just don’t get that depressed. Sometimes, a little, but it’s always checked after a sunny day. > > How could I ever understand? Be there for them? Sympathize? I could never “get it”. I would not be good for them and they would not be good for me. I had a major depressive event that lasted a few months in 1996. For me, the biggest issue with getting involved with someone who is in that state is that they are not operating under full capacity. Their judgment is probably horrible. That’s one of the hallmarks of depression–having a very skewed way of looking at the world. For me, that only lasted a couple of months and only once, but I wasn’t myself during that time. My thoughts, my reactions, my likes, my dislikes, they were all those of another person. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2010, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-get-involved-with-someone-after-their-suicide-attempt/545076/37 "2010-07-01T18:43:13Z")
I don’t think I could handle someone emotionally unstable. Like others in this thread I need someone steadier than I am. I don’t know if I could be strong enough to help someone through dark times without an already pre-established relationship. I wouldn’t really count a teenage attempt though. I used to cut myself as a teen but it’s not something I’d do now. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2010, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-get-involved-with-someone-after-their-suicide-attempt/545076/38 "2010-07-01T21:25:11Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > You and I probably have different notions about the real treatability of depression and certain mental conditions. Probably. I’ve gazed into the abyss and lived to tell the tale. When I was 18 I was diagnosed with dysthymia (chronic low mood) AND major depressive disorder (chronic bouts of severe depression) stemming from PTSD. I also had various other anxiety disorder diagnoses in those years (GAD, agoraphobia, anxiety disorder NOS.) My family of origin is a nightmare of incomprehensible dysfunction. For a while there, I was a self-destructive, suicidal, heavily-medicated mess\* who could barely crawl out of bed. There was a man, he chose to be with me–and he knew exactly what he was getting into. He never viewed it as a personal sacrifice. \*I never actually attempted suicide, but I came close enough to require hospitalization. And I ever, _ever_ deliberately hurt another person. It took years of effort, but I got better. I don’t mean my depression problems vanished forever, but I learned to deal. I am now a highly functioning individual and probably have a more healthy and realistic outlook than many people without mental health issues. I realize not everyone is willing or able to invest that much time, effort, and money into their own recovery. I realize not every depressed person is me and not every relationship is ours. But I notice a distinct inability for some people to acknowledge the part where \*I \*did some shit to make _his_ life better. I came into his life during a very painful time for him. It was our friendship that helped him through that difficult time, and he loved, respected and admired me from the very beginning. By the time we fell in love, we already knew one another inside and out, and he knew the road ahead was long, but he didn’t care. There were times he struggled with self-doubt, times he believed the world was caving in around him, times he experienced personal crisis and misery and fear, and despite all of my own struggles, I remained committed to and supportive of him. I stood by him through his shit just as much as he stood by me through mine. When we’re feeling especially mushy, he likes to talk about how much I changed things for him, how I gave him hope and made him believe that good can persevere in a world of sad things. I may never understand it completely, but he truly finds me inspirational. When we got married, I was just at the beginning of my recovery – and in my wedding vows, I said, ‘‘Because you loved me at my very worst, I vow to give you my very best.’’ Well, one thing he taught me to accept is that my best is actually pretty awesome. If there’s one thing that has been made abundantly clear over the years, it’s that not everyone gets the love and respect from their spouse that is the default expectation in this household. If it’s not blatantly obvious by now, I am passionately devoted to this man and there isn’t a day goes by that he doubts that. I am a damned good wife, depression or not. I do not, as **DianeG** suggests, provide the emotional satisfaction equivalency of a puppy. In fact, I’d even go so far as to say that even on my very worst day I still contribute more to the relationship than your average small dog. I’m not suggesting everyone go run out and find a mentally ill person to love. I respect anyone’s need to have to draw a boundary somewhere–and I would draw boundaries of my own as well. I really did and thought some baffling things during the worst of my illness. I can’t tell you why I got caught up in that self-destructive cycle, because in retrospect it seems incredibly stupid. I can’t go back in time and eliminate every sleepless night my husband suffered on my behalf. When I think of what he went through those years, it kills me. But that’s kind of what love is about. You take the good with the bad, trusting that the good is going to outweigh the bad. It’s a decision we made together that neither of us regrets. That’s the narrative I wish to contribute because it seems like that perspective is rather missing in this thread. ---
**Author:** ![MaddyStrut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dbc845/32.png) [@MaddyStrut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaddyStrut)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2010, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-get-involved-with-someone-after-their-suicide-attempt/545076/39 "2010-07-01T23:06:55Z")
I would if they were well past it and emotionally healthy now. Part of it is that I don’t want to deal with that kind of emotional baggage. Plus, I’d feel kind of pressured to make it work out. What if I break up with someone in a fragile state? While I agree that a suicide attempt _can_ be manipulative, I don’t think they always are. I think anyone who gets to that point has got to be in a world of hurt. I don’t necessarily think less of them, but that doesn’t mean I’d be willing to date them. ---
**Author:** ![BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bcef8e/32.png) [@BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2010, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-get-involved-with-someone-after-their-suicide-attempt/545076/40 "2010-07-02T00:34:20Z")
I think at this point I could be in a relationship with someone who has certain mental health issues, such as depression. Only if, however, they were mature enough to recognize that they had it and be able to separate it largely from the issues that come up in relationships. For example, I can deal with someone being angry or down or whatever, but I don’t want to be with someone who channels that anger into the fact that I left my socks on the floor. The girls/women I dated were largely unable to make the distinction. At any rate, it wouldn’t be an ideal situation, and the person would have to be a pretty damn good match for me to want to go through anything like that again. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-get-involved-with-someone-after-their-suicide-attempt/545076.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-get-involved-with-someone-after-their-suicide-attempt/545076.md?page=3)