# Would you judge someone for cheating on an arranged marriage? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 4, 2015, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-judge-someone-for-cheating-on-an-arranged-marriage/719244 "2015-05-04T14:46:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2015, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-judge-someone-for-cheating-on-an-arranged-marriage/719244/1 "2015-05-04T14:46:44Z")
Let’s say two people are joined together in an arranged marriage that neither of them wanted. Would you be judgmental if one of them cheated on their spouse? Assume they are legal adults but their culture strongly discourages them from saying no to a marriage arranged by their parents. Edit: The poll won’t work, for some reason. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2015, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-judge-someone-for-cheating-on-an-arranged-marriage/719244/2 "2015-05-04T14:56:24Z")
Poll works now, thanks to whoever fixed it! ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2015, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-judge-someone-for-cheating-on-an-arranged-marriage/719244/3 "2015-05-04T15:05:26Z")
No. Arranged marriages are a type of coercion, especially if neither of them wanted it. ---
**Author:** ![boytyperanma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4491bb/32.png) [@boytyperanma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/boytyperanma)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2015, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-judge-someone-for-cheating-on-an-arranged-marriage/719244/4 "2015-05-04T15:05:49Z")
Define cheating. I normally take that to mean without the other parties knowledge. In which case I would judge a person who cheated even if they are in an arranged marriage. Having sexual relations with someone exposes them to risk. It is not fair to the married party to be left ignorant of the risks thier husband or wife is taking and thus being exposed to them thierselves. If one said to the other ‘I’m going to sleep around’ I wouldn’t consider it cheating nor would I be concerned what they do so long are they aren’t lying to sexual partners. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2015, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-judge-someone-for-cheating-on-an-arranged-marriage/719244/5 "2015-05-04T15:10:48Z")
I wouldn’t judge if somebody cheated on an unarranged marriage. Ain’t none of my business. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2015, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-judge-someone-for-cheating-on-an-arranged-marriage/719244/6 "2015-05-04T17:52:33Z")
“Cheating” is not much more or less than knowingly operating under a different definition of the relationship than your SO. If both parties agree they don’t want to be married, but do so for whatever reason, then it really doesn’t need to be any more complicated than, “We’re in this to support an illusion/join families for political or social reasons, whatever. How about we discreetly do who and what we want?” As long as everyone is honest about what can be expected of them, preferably before the wedding, then no foul. ---
**Author:** ![Eureka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/74df32/32.png) [@Eureka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eureka)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2015, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-judge-someone-for-cheating-on-an-arranged-marriage/719244/7 "2015-05-04T17:54:04Z")
I might be more willing to understand sex with a person other than one’s spouse (or emotional intimacy with a person other than one’s spouse) if an arranged marriage was the only option, and one did not like one’s spouse. But I think a frank discussion with one’s spouse about fidelity, sexual fulfillment and true happiness is required first. And I am seriously not ok with a system in which it is just understood that men cheat and women are expected to put up with it. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2015, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-judge-someone-for-cheating-on-an-arranged-marriage/719244/8 "2015-05-04T18:16:34Z")
In this culture where saying no to an arranged marriage is taboo, is divorce taboo as well? If not, then they should get a divorce. If divorce is taboo also, spouse seeking extramarital relationships should explain to the other spouse that the plan on seeing others outside the marriage. Honesty and integrity trump getting your rocks off. ---
**Author:** ![dracoi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/90db22/32.png) [@dracoi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dracoi)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2015, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-judge-someone-for-cheating-on-an-arranged-marriage/719244/9 "2015-05-04T18:19:52Z")
I’m in Other because it really does depend. 1. Did their wedding vows insist on fidelity? 2. Have they agreed between themselves to make it open? As long as both members of the marriage are living up to their promises to each other, then I have no problem with it. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2015, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-judge-someone-for-cheating-on-an-arranged-marriage/719244/10 "2015-05-04T20:36:03Z")
> [@Eureka](#): > > And I am seriously not ok with a system in which it is just understood that men cheat and women are expected to put up with it. Good point. In this OP, though, just for clarification, either husband or wife could be the cheater. ---
**Author:** ![DrCube](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a3d4f5/32.png) [@DrCube](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrCube)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2015, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-judge-someone-for-cheating-on-an-arranged-marriage/719244/11 "2015-05-04T21:37:47Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > No. Arranged marriages are a type of coercion, especially if neither of them wanted it. How often does this happen? I really don’t know, I’m not trying to challenge you to a debate or anything. My understanding (for what it’s worth – I’m an American who has only hearsay and a few conversations with Indians to go on) is that arranged marriages are pretty well liked in the cultures that have them, and that people are perfectly free to say “no” to the suitor their parents have chosen, in all but the most extreme cases. Granted, if neither party wanted the marriage, as stipulated in the OP, I’m fighting the hypothetical. Personally, I think the rules are the same: Tell your spouse. If you both aren’t happy with the marriage, I see no reason the spouse who doesn’t want you would say you couldn’t see other people. Cheating is about dishonesty, and having sex with others with the approval (or at least foreknowledge) of all your partners is not cheating. If your spouse didn’t like you and didn’t want to be in the marriage, but still expected fidelity, and you snuck around behind their back, that would still be cheating, in my opinion. Maybe not as bad as cheating on your loving wife of 20 years with whom you have several kids, a mortgage, and shared retirement accounts, but it’s still cheating either way. You should tell the truth to people with a personal stake in your decisions. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2015, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-judge-someone-for-cheating-on-an-arranged-marriage/719244/12 "2015-05-04T22:16:39Z")
Let’s please note that most arranged marriages are not forced marriage. Modern arranged marriages are more like online dating with family participation than anything else. A single person and their family will get together and scout out prospects, often online. The families will generally make the introductions and have input, but the couple will have the final say when and if they want to move ahead. Forced marriages do happen. These are when one person has no say in who and when they marry, and will be shunned by their family and community, or even physically harmed, if they resist. It’s a whole different can of beans. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2015, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-judge-someone-for-cheating-on-an-arranged-marriage/719244/13 "2015-05-04T22:59:08Z")
Originally I put that I’d judge them, but less than a mutually agreed marriage, and more than not cheating. But being forced into a marriage you don’t want isn’t a positive thing, it feels like a severely terrible idea. In fact, I’d encourage cheating in an arranged marriage, screw that up on purpose, fuck the family that forced you into it. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2015, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-judge-someone-for-cheating-on-an-arranged-marriage/719244/14 "2015-05-04T23:07:29Z")
> [@DrCube](#): > > . . . > My understanding (for what it’s worth – I’m an American who has only hearsay and a few conversations with Indians to go on) is that arranged marriages are pretty well liked in the cultures that have them, and that people are perfectly free to say “no” to the suitor their parents have chosen, in all but the most extreme cases. > . . . > [@even\_sven](#): > > Let’s please note that most arranged marriages are not forced marriage. Modern arranged marriages are more like online dating with family participation than anything else. > . . . > Forced marriages do happen. These are when one person has no say in who and when they marry, and will be shunned by their family and community, or even physically harmed, if they resist. It’s a whole different can of beans. That does not jibe with my research. There are not too many females in arranged marriages who have had any -real- say in the matter. Most of them are barely adolescent when they are married off. I’m not saying that happy, inclusive arranged marriages don’t exist, but they are a rarity. Don’t let a few good examples placate you. Likewise, to the same extent that the majority of people are pretty good folks, the majority of these girls will wind up tied to pretty good men. It is still not true to say that they had any choice in the matter. In actuality, [half](http://www.triplepundit.com/podium/reality-early-forced-marriages-india/)to [most](http://www.csae.ox.ac.uk/conferences/2007-edia-lawbidc/papers/198-gasport.pdf) (depending on area) arranged marriages include a woman under 17 years of age. I did a good bit of reasearch on this in the past, and internet searched it pretty thoroughly just now, and **I have been unable to identify any geographic region in which arranged marriage was common, but child marriage was not.** A few choice excerpts from: [Child marriage - Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_marriage) (cites are available at the link. Most are UNICEF sponsored studies.) > [@](#): > > **Africa** > Niger has one of the highest rates of early marriage in sub-Saharan Africa. Among Nigerien women between the ages of twenty and twenty-four, 76% reported marrying before the age of 18 and 28% reported marrying before the age of fifteen.[12] > > According to UNICEF, Africa has the highest incidence rates of child marriage, with over 70% of girls marrying under the age of 18, in three nations.[61] This UNICEF report is based on data that is derived from a small sample survey between 1995 and 2004, and the current rate is unknown given lack of infrastructure and in some cases, regional violence.[63] > > **India** > According to UNICEF’s “State of the World’s Children-2009” report, 47% of India’s women aged 20–24 were married before the legal age of 18, with 56% marrying before age 18 in rural areas.[81] The report also showed that 40% of the world’s child marriages occur in India.[82] > > **Pakistan** > Main article: Child Marriage in Pakistan > According to two 2013 reports, over 50% of all marriages in Pakistan involve girls less than 18 years old.[94][95] Another UNICEF report claims 70 per cent of girls in Pakistan are married before the age of 16.[96] > > **Bangladesh** > Child marriage rates in Bangladesh are amongst the highest in the world.[61] Every 2 out of 3 marriages involve child marriages. According to statistics from 2005, 49% of women then between 25 and 29 were married by the age of 15 in Bangladesh.[67] According to the “State of the World’s Children-2009” report, 63% of all women aged 20–24 were married before they were 18. > > **Nepal** > A UNICEF discussion paper determined that 79.6 percent of Muslim girls in Nepal, 69.7 percent of girls living in hilly regions irrespective of religion, and 55.7 percent of girls living in other rural areas, are all married before the age of 15. Girls who were born into the highest wealth quintile marry about two years later than those from the other quintiles.[104] > > **Middle East** > A 2013 report claims 53% of all married women in **Afghanistan** were married before age 18, and 21% of all were married before age 15. Afghanistan’s official minimum age of marriage for girls is 15 with her father’s permission.[105] In all 34 provinces of Afghanistan, the customary practice of ba’ad is another reason for child marriages; this custom involves village elders, jirga, settling disputes between families or unpaid debts or ruling punishment for a crime by forcing the so-called guilty family to give their 5 to 12 year old girls as a wife. Sometimes a girl is forced into child marriage for a crime her uncle or distant relative is alleged to have committed.[106][107] > > In **Iran** , girls may marry at 13 and boys at 15, and children under 10 may marry if their guardian approves it. According to a 2013 report, about one million children, including those under age 10, are married every year. About 85% of these married children are girls. As in Western Pakistan and Afghanistan, in some cases, girls are married to settle disputes between families.[108] > > Over half of **Yemeni** girls are married before 18, some by the age eight.[109][110] > > The widespread prevalence of child marriage in the **Kingdom of Saudi Arabia** has been documented by human rights groups.[118][119] Saudi clerics have justified the marriage of girls as young as 9, with sanction from the judiciary.[120] There are no laws in place defining a minimum age of consent in Saudi Arabia, though drafts for possible laws have been created since 2011.[121] > > Research by the United Nations Population Fund indicates that 28.2% of marriages in **Turkey** — almost one in three — involve girls under 18.[122][123] > > **Southeast Asia and Oceania** > > Hill tribes girls are often married young. For the Karen people it is possible that two couples can arrange their children’s marriage before the children are born.[124] > > About 22% of **Indonesia** n girls experience child marriage every year, and 12% get married before age 15, according to 2012 United Nations Population Fund report.[125] There are many reports of Muslim clerics taking multiple underage wives, some less than 12 years old. > > **Latin America** > Child marriage is common in Latin America and the Caribbean island nations. About 29% of girls are married before age 18.[9] The child marriage incidence rates varies between the countries, with Dominican Republic, Honduras, Brazil, Guatemala, Nicaragua, Haiti and Ecuador reporting some of the highest rates in the Americas.[5] Bolivia and Guyana have shown the sharpest decline in child marriage rates as of 2012.[137] > > **Canada** > In some provinces of Canada, people under 16 can get married if they are pregnant and have the court’s approval.[140] > > **United Kingdom** > The marriageable age in Scotland is 16,[151] and no parental consent is required.[152] (NOTE - the girl’s consent IS required - TruCelt) > > In the UK girls as young as 12 have been smuggled in to be brides of men in the Muslim community, according to a 2004 report in The Guardian. These men are looking for a malleable wife that has not learnt to be independent and will not question their strict Islamic wife role. Girls trying to escape this child marriage can face death because this breaks the honor code of her husband and both families.[153] > > **United States** > Child marriage, as defined by UNICEF, is observed in the United States. The UNICEF definition of child marriage includes couples who are formally married, or who live together as a sexually active couple in an informal union, with at least one member — usually the girl — being less than 18 years old.[1] The latter practice is more common in the United States, and it is officially called cohabitation. According to a 2010 report by National Center for Health Statistics, an agency of the government of United States, 2.1% of all girls in the 15-17 age group were in a child marriage. In the age group of 15-19, 7.6% of all girls in the United States were formally married or in an informal union. The child marriage rates were higher for certain ethnic groups and states. In Hispanic groups, for example, 6.6% of all girls in the 15-17 age group were formally married or in an informal union, and 13% of the 15-19 age group were.[141] (NOTE - the girl’s consent IS required - TruCelt) > > As with the United States, underage cohabitation is observed in the United Kingdom. According to a 2005 study, 4.1% of all girls in the 15-19 age group in the UK were cohabiting (living in an informal union), while 8.9% of all girls in that age group admitted to have been in a cohabitation relation (child marriage per UNICEF definition[1]), before the age of 18. Over 4% of all underage girls in the UK were teenage mothers.[154] (NOTE - the girl’s consent IS required - TruCelt) [Birth rates per 1,000 teenaged girls 15-19 worldwide.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_marriage#/media/File:2007_-_2012,_Adolescent_birth_rate_per_1000_women_world_map.svg) ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2015, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-judge-someone-for-cheating-on-an-arranged-marriage/719244/15 "2015-05-04T23:14:18Z")
If I don’t have a relationship of some kind with one of the two people involved then it’s none of my business. Even if one of the parties was a close friend or relative it would have to be something more than a simple indiscretion to judge them in any way. Whether or not the marriage is arranged is irrelevant. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2015, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-judge-someone-for-cheating-on-an-arranged-marriage/719244/16 "2015-05-04T23:14:49Z")
Oh, and to answer the OP, if divorce were an option, and she had economic options to support herself and her children, then yes, I would judge them. I would not call it cheating if they had agreed to an open marriage. But in the majority of these cases, the woman has no option to choose her own life except on the sly. Even then she is risking burning, stoning, having acid thrown on her, just all sorts of horrific outcomes for which no one will ever be held responsible, and which may also be visited upon her children. So for her to give in to any man not willing/able to carry her and children off to a safe and comfortable life, well it would be immensely stupid. It’s horribly unfair, but that’s the reality. ---
**Author:** ![Hector\_St\_Clare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5ac83/32.png) [@Hector\_St\_Clare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hector_St_Clare)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2015, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-judge-someone-for-cheating-on-an-arranged-marriage/719244/17 "2015-05-04T23:26:12Z")
\United States Child marriage, as defined by UNICEF, is observed in the United States. The UNICEF definition of child marriage includes couples who are formally married, or who live together as a sexually active couple in an informal union, with at least one member — usually the girl — being less than 18 years old.[1] The latter practice is more common in the United States, and it is officially called cohabitation. According to a 2010 report by National Center for Health Statistics, an agency of the government of United States, 2.1% of all girls in the 15-17 age group were in a child marriage. In the age group of 15-19, 7.6% of all girls in the United States were formally married or in an informal union. The child marriage rates were higher for certain ethnic groups and states. In Hispanic groups, for example, 6.6% of all girls in the 15-17 age group were formally married or in an informal union, and 13% of the 15-19 age group were.[141] (NOTE - the girl’s consent IS required - TruCelt)\ I don’t really endorse people under 18 having sex, but this is a hilariously innacurate definition of ‘child marriage’, given that UNICEF admits right up front that many of these ‘child marriages’ aren’t ‘marriages’, and don’t involve ‘children’. ---
**Author:** ![Arrendajo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Arrendajo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arrendajo)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2015, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-judge-someone-for-cheating-on-an-arranged-marriage/719244/18 "2015-05-04T23:57:44Z")
I try not to judge people, period. I’m not always successful, of course, but that’s my goal. ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2015, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-judge-someone-for-cheating-on-an-arranged-marriage/719244/19 "2015-05-05T01:01:13Z")
Normally I would say if you are tempted to cheat just get a divorce and be done with it. But an arranged marriage is so against everything I feel right that I would probably give it a pass. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2015, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-judge-someone-for-cheating-on-an-arranged-marriage/719244/20 "2015-05-05T01:35:41Z")
No. In fact, I’d be more likely to judge someone for being in an arranged marriage in the first place. 🙂 j/k no judgments for either. 😉 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-judge-someone-for-cheating-on-an-arranged-marriage/719244.md?page=2)