# Would you let your daughter spend the night with friend and single dad? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 31, 2013, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707 "2013-10-31T01:51:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2013, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/61 "2013-10-31T15:36:38Z")
> [@Colophon](#): > > The most disturbing thing about all this is that to even come up with such lunacy, they _must be thinking about children in a sexual way_. Hence my comment above that a good comeback would have been ‘project much’? ---
**Author:** ![Fubaya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c2a13f/32.png) [@Fubaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fubaya)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2013, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/62 "2013-10-31T15:39:28Z")
I kind of agree with the posts trying to see their side, until I remember that the mom deleted my phone number from her phone too. After the call, I was sort of offended until I remembered that, then I was really offended. Not only do they have an issue with a sleepover, but apparently I can’t be associated with either. Since I’m not married, I’m dead to them I guess. ---
**Author:** ![Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4bbf92/32.png) [@Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heart_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2013, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/63 "2013-10-31T16:07:00Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > Why see an asshole? I don’t get it. Isn’t it possible this woman was molested, as a child? Has a niece that was just interfered with a week ago? Or she has severe trust issues, from some other trauma? Man, you people really seem to lack imagination. > \ > She’s not comfortable with it. Right or wrong, why isn’t that enough? Ask any mother and you’ll hear them say, “I know it probably would have been just fine, but I just had a really bad feeling about it.” I think every parent has done this, at some time. Believe me, I totally get that the mom - or her husband, for that matter - may have some very good reasons for her fears. I myself have a lot of the same fears for these very reasons. But that doesn’t excuse the rudeness of their response. As **Fubaya** said, they could have just said, “Sorry, this weekend isn’t good for us; maybe some other time.” Repeat as needed. If they continued to let their kids interact in other situations, he might never have noticed that it was only the sleepovers at his house that weren’t allowed. Even if he did, he could still chalk it up to coincidence, or at worst, say to himself, “Well, clearly they have some issue, but they’re nice to me otherwise, so I’ll just let it slide.” No matter how justifiable your fears, you can’t just run around quasi-accusing people. ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2013, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/64 "2013-10-31T16:20:29Z")
> [@Fubaya](#): > > I kind of agree with the posts trying to see their side, until I remember that the mom deleted my phone number from her phone too. After the call, I was sort of offended until I remembered that, then I was really offended. Not only do they have an issue with a sleepover, but apparently I can’t be associated with either. Since I’m not married, I’m dead to them I guess. …yeah. I was going to say that my heavily religious friends might well have an issue with having their daughter spend the night with a friend with single dad, but they’d probably also be rather reluctant to let your daughter spend the night at their place if there were no adult female figures present. So at least they’re consistent. But none of them would delete your number! Yeah, that’s crazy and offensive. (And also, if that really is the issue, why not offer the option of a day activity, or to have your daughter sleep over with them? Does she have single-dad cooties or something? I can tell you that the immediate response of basically all of my religious friends, if they didn’t feel comfortable about it, would be to extend another invitation they didn’t have an issue with.) ---
**Author:** ![newcomer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/e5b9ba/32.png) [@newcomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/newcomer)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2013, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/65 "2013-10-31T16:20:42Z")
I haven’t seen it asked in previous posts so, I’d ask about, what I think are, important ingredients… first of all, do you even know the parents in a non-school related social setting and did the girls meet at your house and their house at least once before? ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2013, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/66 "2013-10-31T16:39:54Z")
> [@Horde of Deadness](#): > > Believe me, I totally get that the mom - or her husband, for that matter - may have some very good reasons for her fears. I myself have a lot of the same fears for these very reasons. But that doesn’t excuse the rudeness of their response. As **Fubaya** said, they could have just said, “Sorry, this weekend isn’t good for us; maybe some other time.” Repeat as needed. If they continued to let their kids interact in other situations, he might never have noticed that it was only the sleepovers at his house that weren’t allowed. Even if he did, he could still chalk it up to coincidence, or at worst, say to himself, “Well, clearly they have some issue, but they’re nice to me otherwise, so I’ll just let it slide.” No matter how justifiable your fears, you can’t just run around quasi-accusing people. Exactly- being an adult means not letting your issues run roughshod over someone else’s feelings. Unless they actually thought he was dangerous there were many other ways they could have addressed their own fears without insulting him. Even if they didn’t want to lie and say “sorry we’re busy”, they could easily say “sorry we just don’t know you very well so we don’t want our child staying over.” ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2013, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/67 "2013-10-31T16:58:35Z")
> [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](#): > > Gut feeling: You’re a single guy and thus a threat to his marriage, it’s not about the kid. Possible, but I doubt it. That would be a lot more likely if it was going to be the mom and the OP hanging out together with the kids. Or, I suppose, if the mom has a habit of trying to bone every single man she comes into contact with. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2013, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/68 "2013-10-31T17:12:00Z")
Husband: Who’s this Fubaya guy that’s calling you? Some guy you’re boning? Wife: It’s nobody! See, I’ll delete it! Husband: You’d better, I told you I’m not putting up with that a tenth time. ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2013, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/69 "2013-10-31T17:28:29Z")
> [@Colophon](#): > > That is terrible and I can understand you feeling that way. I find it hard to believe (and by that I don’t mean to imply that I think you’re exaggerating, just “hard to believe” in that it is so far removed from my life experience) that you and so many of your friends and family have been victims. But then I can’t even begin to imagine what goes on inside the heads of men who do such things, either. > > I know it must sound very petty to you or anyone else in your situation hearing men complaining about being “victims” of mistrust, when it’s pretty minor by comparison. After my little girl was raped we both had counseling at the Memphis Child Advocacy Center. This is where I learned just how many people are victims of sex crimes in this country and how few perpetrators are ever convicted, much less sentenced for their crimes. If you’d like more information go to [RAINN.org](http://RAINN.org) and check out the statistics for yourself. Nine out of every ten victims are female, almost always done by males.One out of every six women has been sexually assaulted at some point in their lives and it’s usually by someone they know, not a stranger. I am not saying that a man cannot be trusted with a child. I’m saying that it’s not being an asshole or a man-hater to not feel comfortable leaving your child alone with an adult male because so many of us have experienced some sort of sexual assault in our lives. ---
**Author:** ![Turpentine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecd19e/32.png) [@Turpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turpentine)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2013, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/70 "2013-10-31T17:28:58Z")
I was just reminded of a childhood memory- I was having a sleepover party. All the girls I invited were excited and planned on coming. Then one girl cancelled on me abruptly. When I asked her about it, she said with the candor of a 4th grader “My mom’s afraid I’ll pick up head lice.” I somehow managed not to repeat this to my parents, but I’m sure they would have been insulted at the suggestion that we were…full of lice, or dirty mangy hippies. In hindsight, that girl’s mom had a hang-up about sleepovers. In this case, the asshole parents in question could have done what my friend’s mom had done- they could have just said “We have other plans.” If that’s repeated enough, Fubaya would take the hint that this family has some kind of worrywart hangup about sleepovers. You don’t need to be 100% honest and volunteer 100% of the information all the time. So I still think they’re assholes. ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2013, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/71 "2013-10-31T17:30:34Z")
> [@robert\_columbia](#): > > One of the things I’ve found from knowing people and also reading about similar people is that many religious fundamentalists have sexual hangups. I’m talking about the people who think that if they let a ten year old girl out of the house with bare knees or wearing pants (i.e. allowing one to see the curvature of her groin area), it will cause all the good and honorable men and boys to have raging clues and become overcome with desire to love her long time. The result is that girls end up being dressed like Laura Ingalls. I have seen this in real life, it’s not as funny when you actually get to know these people. > > I used to think that this was mostly a Christian fundamentalist thing, but it’s not. An ultra-Orthodox synagogue in upstate New York reportedly [set up](http://observer.com/2013/04/kiryas-joel-sex-segregated-park-opens-in-new-york/) a gender segregated playground for little kids. Because there’s just something fundamentally wrong with a boy playing jump-rope with his sister. I’m not really sure what this has to do with my comment but I’m atheist and my girls aren’t wearing prairie skirts and head scarves. ---
**Author:** ![Turpentine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecd19e/32.png) [@Turpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turpentine)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2013, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/72 "2013-10-31T17:30:46Z")
> [@Rushgeekgirl](#): > > After my little girl was raped we both had counseling at the Memphis Child Advocacy Center. This is where I learned just how many people are victims of sex crimes in this country and how few perpetrators are ever convicted, much less sentenced for their crimes. If you’d like more information go to [RAINN.org](http://RAINN.org) and check out the statistics for yourself. Nine out of every ten victims are female, almost always done by males.One out of every six women has been sexually assaulted at some point in their lives and it’s usually by someone they know, not a stranger. > > I am not saying that a man cannot be trusted with a child. I’m saying that it’s not being an asshole or a man-hater to not feel comfortable leaving your child alone with an adult male because so many of us have experienced some sort of sexual assault in our lives. You don’t have to tell every man your kids ever come across though, that he’s potentially a child molester. If they aren’t comfortable with leaving her alone with a man, they don’t have to state the real reason. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2013, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/73 "2013-10-31T17:31:13Z")
I’m kinda glad so many people are taking the side of the OP, which makes it easier for me to say this: I think, in order to reduce the very harmful stereotype about single men and children, I would let my daughter spend the night not for the intent of a sleep over, but in order to prove such accusations false. To put it another way, I’d risk her safety in order to stave off future accusations. If that makes you upset, keep in mind that most people seem to be agreeing with the OP and would allow the kid to spend the night, so the behavior doesn’t change, just the intent. ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2013, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/74 "2013-10-31T17:32:05Z")
> [@Colophon](#): > > The most disturbing thing about all this is that to even come up with such lunacy, they _must be thinking about children in a sexual way_. Yes and if we’re concerned about them getting hit by cars we must be planning to run them over ourselves! ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2013, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/75 "2013-10-31T17:37:01Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > Wow, I wonder if that is so-and-so’s dad’s way of telling you the only reason he doesn’t molest his daughter’s friends is because his wife is there to stop him. :rolleyes: Oh how awesome it would be if anyone could overcome the shock of someone insinuating you’re a perv, and bring this into the conversation in real time! The only response could be some iteration of, “Uhmmm…” OP, your daughter has a friend who is being raised by assholes. Even if you really ARE a nasty perpetrator, they have no way of knowing that. They’re just assuming. Let’s play their own game and say they’re _projecting_. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2013, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/76 "2013-10-31T17:39:20Z")
> [@Rushgeekgirl](#): > > I am not saying that a man cannot be trusted with a child. I’m saying that it’s not being an asshole or a man-hater to not feel comfortable leaving your child alone with an adult male because so many of us have experienced some sort of sexual assault in our lives. The part that crosses the line to “asshole” is when they feel compelled to tell the guy to his face they think he’s threat. It’s understandable to have your fears, but you don’t make someone else feel like crap for them. Unless they actually think this specific guy is a threat, they shouldn’t essentially say that to him. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2013, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/77 "2013-10-31T17:43:33Z")
> [@Rushgeekgirl](#): > > Nine out of every ten victims are female, almost always done by males. The statistics I’ve heard were more like 60% girls/40% boys, I believe. I know it was more girls, but not by a huge margin. I’m sure estimates vary though. Hard to tell the real numbers, and girls or their parents may be more likely to tell someone about it. > [@](#): > > I am not saying that a man cannot be trusted with a child. I’m saying that it’s not being an asshole or a man-hater to not feel comfortable leaving your child alone with an adult male because so many of us have experienced some sort of sexual assault in our lives. Yeah, I kind of agree. I can see both sides to an extent. I’m definitely \*more \*careful about leaving my daughter alone with a man than with a woman. But a stance of absolutely not, no matter what, is taking it too far. ---
**Author:** ![newcomer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/e5b9ba/32.png) [@newcomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/newcomer)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2013, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/78 "2013-10-31T17:46:41Z")
> [@The Great Sun Jester](#): > > Oh how awesome it would be if anyone could overcome the shock of someone insinuating you’re a perv, and bring this into the conversation in real time! The only response could be some iteration of, “Uhmmm…” > > OP, your daughter has a friend who is being raised by assholes. Even if you really ARE a nasty perpetrator, they have no way of knowing that. They’re just assuming. Let’s play their own game and say they’re _projecting_. Just like many already did, you have no clue what parents’ real motivation is. Nothing is ever as it seems and this situation is screaming for parents’ perspective. For example, as I asked OP few posts above, if OP and parents’ don’t know each other (school setting doesn’t count) and also, if the girls never met at either place at least once, calling cold and proposing a sleepover might - and I underscore this, it MIGHT - be construed as somewhat out of order. Because, typically, sleepover comes after series of get-togethers, both at kids and parents level, before this idea is proposed. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2013, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/79 "2013-10-31T17:48:40Z")
> [@Rushgeekgirl](#): > > After my little girl was raped we both had counseling at the Memphis Child Advocacy Center. This is where I learned just how many people are victims of sex crimes in this country and how few perpetrators are ever convicted, much less sentenced for their crimes. If you’d like more information go to [RAINN.org](http://RAINN.org) and check out the statistics for yourself. Nine out of every ten victims are female, almost always done by males.One out of every six women has been sexually assaulted at some point in their lives and it’s usually by someone they know, not a stranger. > > I am not saying that a man cannot be trusted with a child. I’m saying that it’s not being an asshole or a man-hater to not feel comfortable leaving your child alone with an adult male because so many of us have experienced some sort of sexual assault in our lives. Be that as it may, it’s not fair to treat every (single? single father?) male as if he’s a rapist. Not only is that going to make it difficult to get through life it’s going to give their (to the best of our knowledge, unmolested) daughter a really messed up view of the world and unmarried men in particular. Maybe they would have been better off saying “We’re just not comfortable leaving our daughter at a friend’s house with only one adult present.” Same message and they don’t sound like jerks. Of course, then OP could have come back with “That’s okay, my girlfriend lives with me” or “The kids were really looking forward to this, what if I have my brother come stay with us as well?” ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2013, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/80 "2013-10-31T17:57:16Z")
But she didn’t accuse him, that’s just projection on your part and his. She owned and was honest about it being her issue, why should she have to lie? And again is it not possible that she deleted the number as her husband has recently questioned her fidelity? Maybe he’s horribly jealous by nature. And even if she did delete the number because of the sleepover invite, who cares? How is that an unforgivable slight? Or a veiled accusation? M [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707.md?page=5)