# Would you let your daughter spend the night with friend and single dad? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 31, 2013, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707 "2013-10-31T01:51:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2013, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/121 "2013-11-01T16:29:25Z")
> [@Blackberry](#): > > This one instance of you using your child to prove a point instead of treating her like a person is also irrelevant in the big picture. Its relevant if I think the risk is small enough to justify the benefit of decreasing the stigma. > [@Blackberry](#): > > Of course there’s always some degree of risk in everything you do, but if that’s all he was talking about and he doesn’t think it’s any riskier than the next thing, there’s no point in even bringing up the risk thing at all. Whaaat? When did I say I’m not bringing up the point of the risk?? I clearly said that I feel the risk is so low as to be non-existent, and that the benefits of letting the kid go to the sleepover is worth it. If I felt there actually was a high risk, then of course I’m not going to do it > [@Blackberry](#): > > And allowing it JUST to prove a point, rather than because you have to let children participate in life because it’s what’s best for them? That’s messed up and just plain weird. Like when my daughter wanted to go to the house of a friend who has gay parents, it would have been beyond bizarre to me if I’d thought, “Well, I couldn’t care less than she wants to play at her friend’s house, but I need to show the world (even though the world won’t know about it or care) that gay people aren’t dangerous to have around kids.” WTF? Who thinks like that? What if you’re not at all enthused either way? Should I have to be happy and super glad my kid is sleeping over at someone’s house? What if I don’t give a damn? Then I can’t let her do it? My point is that I really don’t care that much one way or the other as far as the sleepover, but I do have strong feelings about making a political point. What difference does it make what my intent is? ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2013, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/122 "2013-11-01T16:43:51Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > Whaaat? When did I say I’m not bringing up the point of the risk?? I clearly said that I feel the risk is so low as to be non-existent, and that the benefits of letting the kid go to the sleepover is worth it. If I felt there actually was a high risk, then of course I’m not going to do it No, you said you would put your daughter at risk to prove a point. If you don’t feel she actually _would be_ at risk (any more than everything is a risk), then it’s not putting her at risk to prove a point! > [@](#): > > What difference does it make what my intent is? Just for the purpose of discussion. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2013, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/123 "2013-11-01T16:46:50Z")
> [@Fotheringay-Phipps](#): > > That might actually work but from a logical standpoint makes no sense. > > People are a lot more confident that they can tell pedophiles from non-pedophiles than is actually warranted. There’s nothing anyone can tell from having desert or coffee with someone that should allow them to change their assessment as to the likelihood of them being a pedophile. So that shouldn’t change things. Then the OP should play on that confidence. He’s not a pedophile so its fine to trick the other parent into thinking he’s not one, just like when George and Jerry “tricked” that reporter into thinking they’re not gay > [@elbows](#): > > So she should lie? > > Because he’s so delicate? > I think not. She was open, and she was honest. Should be enough. She should omit, not lie. The question she, and you, should ask yourself is: does this person deserve to be told they are abnormal/defective/possibly evil because of my own experience? You can have your experience, but I’m guessing you don’t hit people over the head with it when you’re in line at Burger King. Neither should you tell this completely stranger that you have a huge hangup about his particular subgroup > [@Blackberry](#): > > No, you said you would put your daughter at risk to prove a point. If you don’t feel she actually _would be_ at risk (any more than everything is a risk), then it’s not putting her at risk to prove a point! Sorry, then let me clarify that I consider it such a small risk that its practically non-existent. I’m still putting her at risk, just as driving her to school puts her at risk of a car accident, but its small and tolerable ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2013, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/124 "2013-11-01T16:47:29Z")
It’s possible to tell the truth about what you think, and still be a narrow-minded asshole. If it’s the parents’ opinion, founded in dark personal experiences or simply shallow thinking, that a single guy who lives with his daughter is a pervert that’s entirely their right. But expecting the butt of their opinion to take it in stride as a normal concern is messed up and shitty. I’ve only ever been robbed by Hawaiians, but I don’t get to call all or even many Hawaiians “thief.” Everyone’s entitled to carry around whatever baggage they can’t or won’t let go of, but nothing gives them the right to make someone else carry it who doesn’t deserve it. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2013, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/125 "2013-11-01T18:42:07Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > It often wasn’t recognized by abuse because it was a boy aged 10, 11, 12, or thereabouts, and a high school aged girl. Believe me, this kind of thing messes with a boy’s head just as much as the reverse scenario. I meant “as abuse.” Oops. Here’s something I remember from my growing-up years. There was an unwritten rule in the time and place where I was a kid that fathers did not attend their own kids’ birthday parties. More than once, I was not allowed to go to a party because the child’s father would be there 😕, and I remember having a birthday party with several kids from the neighborhood and classmates in attendance, and my dad helped with the decoration and then left. Did this happen to anyone else? ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2013, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/126 "2013-11-01T18:48:28Z")
Ya know, it wasn’t so many years ago that many parents would not allow their kids to play with children who had divorced parents, and in some cases, the kids were instructed to tell everyone that their father was dead. If they went away in the summer, people were told that the child was visiting “relatives” (which they were, although in so many cases, the father and his family were not viewed this way after the split). Conversely, I’ve never heard of people who prohibited a child from playing with kids because their parents were married to each other, although I’m sure it’s happened. My sister was teased at school for having married parents, and this was in the late 1980s. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Ibanez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a4c791/32.png) [@Ibanez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ibanez)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2013, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/127 "2013-11-01T22:58:45Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > I meant “as abuse.” Oops. > > Here’s something I remember from my growing-up years. There was an unwritten rule in the time and place where I was a kid that fathers did not attend their own kids’ birthday parties. More than once, I was not allowed to go to a party because the child’s father would be there 😕, and I remember having a birthday party with several kids from the neighborhood and classmates in attendance, and my dad helped with the decoration and then left. > > Did this happen to anyone else? Nope. What was the reason for that ? Men wouldn’t be able to control themselves with all of those kids there ? ---
**Author:** ![robert\_columbia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@robert\_columbia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robert_columbia)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2013, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/128 "2013-11-01T23:18:11Z")
> [@DSeid](#): > > …Again, I am in the shrug it off camp, but the argument can easlily be made that this is a bit like saying that Jessie cannot sleep over at your house because you are (pick your group, Black, Jewish, gay, Mexican …) and I am sure you understand… Parents, beware. I am Scottish. If you let your sons sleep over with me or any of my immediate family, they will be taught to wear skirts and eat sheeps’ stomachs. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2013, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/129 "2013-11-02T00:20:37Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > and I remember having a birthday party with several kids from the neighborhood and classmates in attendance, and my dad helped with the decoration and then left. > > Did this happen to anyone else? My dad always left before or shortly after the party started. Usually a number of other moms stayed for the party and my dad was pretty much an introvert. Also, I think because he really wasn’t keen on all the kids and the noise and stuff. He was fine if we had just a friend over, but if it was a group of kids, he usually cleared out or holed up in his den. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2013, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/130 "2013-11-02T02:10:52Z")
> [@robert\_columbia](#): > > Parents, beware. I am Scottish. If you let your sons sleep over with me or any of my immediate family, they will be taught to wear skirts and eat sheeps’ stomachs. Nah. A true Scotsman would be too busy teaching him to drink the good stuff. You are no true Scotsman. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Maserschmidt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/maserschmidt/32/18829_2.png) [@Maserschmidt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maserschmidt)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2013, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/131 "2013-11-02T02:15:59Z")
You know, it’s always possible that in their limited interactions with **Fubaya** they either got a funny vibe or just plain didn’t like him. We tell people to trust their instincts when it comes to their kids, right? So maybe they did. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2013, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/132 "2013-11-02T02:56:28Z")
> [@Maserschmidt](#): > > You know, it’s always possible that in their limited interactions with **Fubaya** they either got a funny vibe or just plain didn’t like him. We tell people to trust their instincts when it comes to their kids, right? So maybe they did. Yes, people have offered a number of reasons why they might be feeling the way they did, but regardless it was a pretty sucky way to respond to his invitation. There are many more diplomatic ways of saying “No thank you”. ---
**Author:** ![Truman\_Burbank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@Truman\_Burbank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Truman_Burbank)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2013, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/133 "2013-11-02T05:37:16Z")
My vote is for ‘ignorant’, and not to take it personally. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2013, 11:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/134 "2013-11-02T11:53:09Z")
I don’t blame you for being offended. The only positive thing is that they were honest instead of trying to make up some BS lie. Now you won’t waste any more of your time trying to plan another sleepover. Do resist the temptation to lash out at their daughter by uninviting her to the group birthday party. It’s not her fault that her parents are overly protective. If it’s any consolation, I’m a married mother and have had parents refuse to let their daughter spend the night at a group slumber party. They’d stay until midnight or 1am, at which time the parents would come and pick them up. I had no idea why. Were they covering up for a bed-wetter? Was the little girl afraid of spending the night in a strange place? Did they fear that my husband would get up in the middle of the night and molest her? Or that our dog would bite her? Who knows. I didn’t try to understand why, to be honest. I just said goodbye to the little girl and waved to the sleep-deprived parent in the driveway. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2013, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/135 "2013-11-02T15:28:01Z")
> [@Colophon](#): > > I’ve certainly heard several such stories. Not necessarily sexual abuse, but physical abuse. But hey, that doesn’t go with the comfortable “men are evil” stereotype. > > Seriously, where did the idea come from that men’s default action if left alone with a female child is to fuck them? Our society demonises half the human race and nobody seems to give a damn. Let’s just say that men are more likely to commit crimes and acts of violence, and to be predators of one sort or another. This is why there were 1,462,000 men, and only 109,000 women, in U.S. Federal and state prisons in 2012. (Table 1 on p.2 at the [link](http://www.bjs.gov/content/pub/pdf/p12ac.pdf).) ---
**Author:** ![Bozuit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/edb3f5/32.png) [@Bozuit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bozuit)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2013, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/136 "2013-11-02T16:30:02Z")
> [@RTFirefly](#): > > Let’s just say that men are more likely to commit crimes and acts of violence, and to be predators of one sort or another. This is why there were 1,462,000 men, and only 109,000 women, in U.S. Federal and state prisons in 2012. (Table 1 on p.2 at the [link](http://www.bjs.gov/content/pub/pdf/p12ac.pdf).) Would you consider stats on black people in prison a good defence of a parent’s decision not to allow their child to attend a black girl’s sleepover? ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2013, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/137 "2013-11-02T16:31:41Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > Also, as much as I wouldn’t want to drag the kids into the middle of this, I would refrain from inviting that child to any group thing that your organizing (like a birthday party). If they ask, you can say, and no one can blame you for saying “You made if very, very, clear that you don’t want your daughter in my house”…“Oh but we just meant we didn’t want her there alone and they’re such good friends”…“Well, I don’t want there to be any misunderstandings, so this is easier, it’s no big deal, this is how _you_ wanted it.” But seriously, if they’ve already basically accused you of wrong doing before you’ve been anywhere near the kid, I would stay way the hell away from her whenever possible. > [@Fubaya](#): > > Yeah, a little late for the birthday party, it’s three days away, but they’re going to get the cold shoulder if they come and an explanation is they ask why. The kids aren’t great friends yet. They sort of hit it off when school started, but if the mom really did delete my number, I don’t think they’re going to be encouraging the friendship. Kids can to the movies and the park too, but if I’m deleted, I guess even that’s not an option. I didn’t read the whole thread. Actually, re the birthday party, I’d not only invite the little girl, but I’d invite the parents, too, and some other parents as well. Their behavior is inexcusable and that kind of attitude is probably going to be a problem for their daughter in the future, too. BUT I’m suggesting you seize the Moral High Ground and continue to include their daughter (and them) in group social events where appropriate. Let them continue show themselves to be the assholes they are. ---
**Author:** ![nylaw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/74df32/32.png) [@nylaw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nylaw)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2013, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/138 "2013-11-02T17:04:40Z")
I came to the US (alone) for a few weeks, staying with a friend that lived there. The household I was staying at was filled with female students, and they were all paranoid about me because I was a man traveling alone. The girl I was staying with told me that her roommates interrogated her multiple times about the possibility of me being some kind of fugitive or terrorist without knowing anything about me other than that I was a man that was traveling alone from Europe. They acted paranoid about me, asking a lot of questions (not in a pleasant social way) and wanted to inspect my passport. It was a kind of culture shock for me. I know that many Americans are not like this, but I got the sense that there’s too much fear and paranoia in general in the American subconsciousness. ---
**Author:** ![blindboyard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blindboyard/32/2833_2.png) [@blindboyard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blindboyard)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2013, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/139 "2013-11-02T17:41:24Z")
> [@RTFirefly](#): > > Let’s just say that men are more likely to commit crimes and acts of violence, and to be predators of one sort or another. This is why there were 1,462,000 men, and only 109,000 women, in U.S. Federal and state prisons in 2012. (Table 1 on p.2 at the [link](http://www.bjs.gov/content/pub/pdf/p12ac.pdf).) Women, however, are much more likely to commit acts of violence against children. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2013, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707/140 "2013-11-02T18:27:48Z")
I may think that other parents are a bit paranoid, out of bounds, and rude, that the analogy to Blacks in prison is valid, but it must be noted that the above claim [is false](http://bjs.gov/content/pub/pdf/CVVOATVX.PDF) (pdf): 97% of child victimizers are male, 70% of them are in jail for rape or sexual assault, most have no previous criminal record, most victims are female, and most attacks take place in either the victim’s or the attacker’s home. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-let-your-daughter-spend-the-night-with-friend-and-single-dad/672707.md?page=8)