# Would You Marry Someone without First Having Sex with Them? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 12, 2003, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-marry-someone-without-first-having-sex-with-them/181352 "2003-06-12T15:49:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![snac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/90db22/32.png) [@snac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snac)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2003, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-marry-someone-without-first-having-sex-with-them/181352/21 "2003-06-12T16:35:11Z")
I can’t see doing it. Didn’t the first time, anyway, and don’t have any plans, knock wood, to ever need to get married again… ---
**Author:** ![troub](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troub/32/14802_2.png) [@troub](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/troub)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2003, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-marry-someone-without-first-having-sex-with-them/181352/22 "2003-06-12T16:37:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jarbabyj \* > \*\*just for the record, folks who wait aren’t necessarily ‘uptight’ 🙂 \*\* I figured that would raise an objection or two (some people are uptight about being called uptight 😃 ), but I was having trouble thinking of another appropriate word to express the attitude I was trying to describe, the attitude that is generally more, uh, conservative than my own. On preview I see your reply to Kalhoun, and am now reminding myself that there is a context to everything. If someone’s traumatic previous experiences might induce them to want to “wait,” maybe that’s an extenuating factor (not to infer that your teenage experience is what prompted you to want to wait–maybe so, but maybe not. . .but for some people it would). But, I still don’t see the difference in waiting for after the church says you’re allowed, if you’re with someone you love anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2003, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-marry-someone-without-first-having-sex-with-them/181352/23 "2003-06-12T16:38:15Z")
I’m not afraid of agreeing to a lifelong commitment such as marraige, but as several posters have already mentioned I would want to know what I was getting myself into ahead of time. It is much less risky to find out if there are any irrevokable problems before the ring goes on then to spend a lifetime in an unhappy marriage. ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2003, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-marry-someone-without-first-having-sex-with-them/181352/24 "2003-06-12T16:44:28Z")
i was waiting because of a) the past experience I’d had and b) I was raised (yes in a christian home) to believe that sex between two people was a special and beautiful event, and I sort of saw it as a gift to my husband, that once we were married, we were gonna blow the roof off the place. I have no hangups about sex, and am into some strange stuff, so I don’t think uptight is the right word. No harm done. By the way, it was a hard wait, I’ll assure you. Like a five year old waiting for Christmas…but we did it, and I’ve never regretted it yet. If every day was Christmas, Christmas wouldn’t be as fun 😃 ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2003, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-marry-someone-without-first-having-sex-with-them/181352/25 "2003-06-12T16:46:45Z")
Not just no but hell no. ---
**Author:** ![Catfood\_Purrito](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c6cbf5/32.png) [@Catfood\_Purrito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catfood_Purrito)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2003, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-marry-someone-without-first-having-sex-with-them/181352/26 "2003-06-12T16:50:09Z")
My boyfriend is a virgn and wants to wait for marriage for religious reasons. I’m not a virgin, I too was raped as a teenager, and I’ve had sex with women. He’s not uptight, we have talked about sex extensively, and I’m fairly certain our tastes match up. If we do end up having problems in that area, I’m confident that we can work it out. It’s frustrating, sure, but I love him and I respect him and I’m willing to wait. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2003, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-marry-someone-without-first-having-sex-with-them/181352/27 "2003-06-12T16:54:02Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by pravnik \* > \*\*Not just no but hell no. \*\* I concur. ---
**Author:** ![SnoopyFan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d07c76/32.png) [@SnoopyFan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnoopyFan)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2003, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-marry-someone-without-first-having-sex-with-them/181352/28 "2003-06-12T16:55:33Z")
Didn’t wait to get married but were I ever to remarry, I’d wait. Really. ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2003, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-marry-someone-without-first-having-sex-with-them/181352/29 "2003-06-12T16:58:00Z")
I wouldn’t. What if she’s one of those that just lays there? Or isn’t very good? I don’t want to be running a Nookie Boot Camp. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2003, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-marry-someone-without-first-having-sex-with-them/181352/30 "2003-06-12T17:02:44Z")
I did. Seven years and counting. One of the better decisions I ever made with my life. No, we aren’t uptight. We talked a lot beforehand, and learned together, and it was great and got better. ---
**Author:** ![Fretful\_Porpentine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fretful_porpentine/32/2873_2.png) [@Fretful\_Porpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fretful_Porpentine)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2003, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-marry-someone-without-first-having-sex-with-them/181352/31 "2003-06-12T17:13:26Z")
No, because I can’t imagine that somebody who _wanted_ to wait until marriage would have a background or value system remotely compatible with mine. I suppose if the reasons for waiting were purely circumstantial, e.g. one of us had a medical condition which precluded sex for a set period of time but would eventually go away, I might consider it. ---
**Author:** ![vibrotronica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a9a28c/32.png) [@vibrotronica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vibrotronica)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2003, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-marry-someone-without-first-having-sex-with-them/181352/32 "2003-06-12T17:24:30Z")
What **FP** said, only without the medical exemption. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2003, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-marry-someone-without-first-having-sex-with-them/181352/33 "2003-06-12T17:24:50Z")
Would, and did. Twelve years later, we’re still happily married. ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2003, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-marry-someone-without-first-having-sex-with-them/181352/34 "2003-06-12T17:31:03Z")
I think the idea of “sexual compatability” is rather dubious, but even so, I’d want to do the deed before marriage. People can always cahnge their lovemaking styles or get better at it, but to me, sex is kind of important to developing the level of intimacy that leads to marriage in the _first_ place. If I didn’t care about someone enough to sleep with them, why would I marry them? I have also heard more than once about guys who waited for the woman’s sake, only to find out later she was frigid. I won’t take the chance of that happening to me. In fact, these days, I’m downright suspicious of women who want to wait. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2003, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-marry-someone-without-first-having-sex-with-them/181352/35 "2003-06-12T17:43:05Z")
I wouldn’t (and didn’t). I also wouldn’t (and didn’t) marry someone without living with them first. I think living together first is even more important than having sex before marriage. I’ve had several great friends who made terrible roommates – it’s hard to judge roommate compatibility without actually living together and finding out if their daily habits will grate on your nerves. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2003, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-marry-someone-without-first-having-sex-with-them/181352/36 "2003-06-12T17:43:42Z")
Marrying someone without having sex with them strikes me as being about as good an idea as marrying them without going out on a date with them. This isn’t a case, to my mind, of worrying about her being “frigid,” it’s just a nonsensical idea to wait. I wouldn’t want to marry anyone I didn’t know for a number of years (I knew Mrs. RickJay for five years before we married) and having sex is part of the intimacy I want to develop before I make a lifetime commitment. ---
**Author:** ![Sengkelat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@Sengkelat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sengkelat)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2003, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-marry-someone-without-first-having-sex-with-them/181352/37 "2003-06-12T18:07:58Z")
Gotta take the test drive. As folks have said, sex isn’t the most important of factors. I compare it to the seat in a car. A car needs a good engine, drive train, chassis, etc. The seat is absolutely not the most important thing in the car…but if it’s lumpy and uncomfortable you’re never going to be happy driving the car, even if the rest of it is fabulous. I knew a guy who dated a woman he was very compatible with in terms of interests, sense of humor, people they liked, and such. They waited 6 months, at her insistence. For the rest of the relationship, they had sex about once every six months. Everything else was so good, he wanted to stick it out, but he finally broke up with her. Imagine the mistake he’d have made if they’d gotten married! ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2003, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-marry-someone-without-first-having-sex-with-them/181352/38 "2003-06-12T18:20:17Z")
Yes. Sex is not the most important part of a marriage. It’s a significant part, and a fun part, but not _the most important_ part. ---
**Author:** ![jeevmon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@jeevmon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jeevmon)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2003, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-marry-someone-without-first-having-sex-with-them/181352/39 "2003-06-12T18:39:48Z")
I haven’t yet and don’t plan to in the future. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2003, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-marry-someone-without-first-having-sex-with-them/181352/40 "2003-06-12T18:53:55Z")
Our mother told my sister and I not only to have sex before marrying someone, but to _live_ with them first. Of course, she and I came of age in the '70s, when it was _assumed_ you’d be going at it like muskrats five minutes after saying “hello.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-marry-someone-without-first-having-sex-with-them/181352.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-marry-someone-without-first-having-sex-with-them/181352.md?page=3)