# Would you prefer a lifetime of loveless sex, or sexless love? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 25, 2005, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-prefer-a-lifetime-of-loveless-sex-or-sexless-love/337190 "2005-12-25T20:57:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![SSG\_Schwartz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SSG\_Schwartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSG_Schwartz)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2005, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-prefer-a-lifetime-of-loveless-sex-or-sexless-love/337190/1 "2005-12-25T20:57:19Z")
One of the chapter end discussion questions in a sexual psychology class I took was the following: You are allowed only one person to spend the rest of your life with. At the start of the relationship, however you must make the choice between loveless sex, or sexless love. What do you choose and why? I would choose the loveless sex, because a relationship can survive without love. Humans have a biological need for sex and cannot maintain good physical and mental health without it. ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2005, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-prefer-a-lifetime-of-loveless-sex-or-sexless-love/337190/2 "2005-12-25T21:11:11Z")
They again sex with the same person that you can never love might turn you off to sex altogether - then you have nothing. Not sure what I would choose, and it might very well depend on the person. > [@](#): > > Humans have a biological need for sex and cannot maintain good physical and mental health without it. I’m not sure I buy this one. I think humans have a need for release of sexual tensions, but I’m not sure sex is actually needed. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2005, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-prefer-a-lifetime-of-loveless-sex-or-sexless-love/337190/3 "2005-12-25T21:21:00Z")
> [@Sgt Schwartz](#): > > Humans have a biological need for sex and cannot maintain good physical and mental health without it. Cite? (Not the need for sex part) ---
**Author:** ![levdrakon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2005, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-prefer-a-lifetime-of-loveless-sex-or-sexless-love/337190/4 "2005-12-25T21:21:27Z")
Sexless love, as long as cuddling is allowed. I can sex myself, thanks. ---
**Author:** ![SSG\_Schwartz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SSG\_Schwartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSG_Schwartz)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2005, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-prefer-a-lifetime-of-loveless-sex-or-sexless-love/337190/5 "2005-12-25T21:43:24Z")
Kinsey did discuss the physical effects of a lack of sexual experience in women. See this link for more info: [http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?db=pubmed&cmd=Display&dopt=pubmed\_pubmed&from\_uid=642847&tool=ExternalSearch](http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?db=pubmed&cmd=Display&dopt=pubmed_pubmed&from_uid=642847&tool=ExternalSearch) ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2005, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-prefer-a-lifetime-of-loveless-sex-or-sexless-love/337190/6 "2005-12-25T22:01:28Z")
Oh, Kinsey, my eye. A great many of us get along quite well without sex _or_ love, because we _have_ to. It’s really no big deal. As my mother says, “you can get used to _hanging_, if you hang long enough.” ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2005, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-prefer-a-lifetime-of-loveless-sex-or-sexless-love/337190/7 "2005-12-25T22:06:14Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > As my mother says, “you can get used to _hanging_, if you hang long enough.” Especially if you’re well hung. ---
**Author:** ![Tevildo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Tevildo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tevildo)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2005, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-prefer-a-lifetime-of-loveless-sex-or-sexless-love/337190/8 "2005-12-25T22:28:52Z")
Probably “neither”, given that we only get _one_ partner. If forced to choose, sexless love as opposed to a relationship with one person I didn’t like as a friend and didn’t have the chance of leaving. ---
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2005, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-prefer-a-lifetime-of-loveless-sex-or-sexless-love/337190/9 "2005-12-25T22:46:30Z")
Sexless love. I’ve just come out of a dodgy relationship. Was every guy’s dream at first. My lady was not only tightly built with curves in all the right places, but she had a very high sex-drive. Last couple of years it was almost a chore. I’d much rather have somebody I can stay up late with, drink, smoke, and talk shit to. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2005, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-prefer-a-lifetime-of-loveless-sex-or-sexless-love/337190/10 "2005-12-25T23:26:35Z")
Ten years ago, I would have said loveless sex. Now, no question about it, I’ll take love. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some orgasms, but those I can have them all by myself, and I need someone else for conversation. Besides, IMO, relationships \*can’t \* survive without love. Without love, what you’ve got is a business arrangement. ---
**Author:** ![Askia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/96bed5/32.png) [@Askia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askia)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2005, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-prefer-a-lifetime-of-loveless-sex-or-sexless-love/337190/11 "2005-12-25T23:41:06Z")
I’ve had loveless sex. Invigorating at first, not so good over the long haul. Even if the two of you are a really good fit for each other in terms of physical combatibility and adventurousness, eventually you lose interest in the purely physical, especially if you’re at it constantly, monogamous and get all the freaky stuff out the way. Although a nice long break will have you climbing all over other again. I’ve had sexless love. I have sexless love now. Sexless love never lasts for me. I’ve made an ass out of myself with female friends insisting we needed to take the relationship to “the next level” and lost several close friendships / relationships because of it. The two relationships that started out platonic that became sexual were very fulfilling, at least a first, but something happened both times that made each not so nice after awhile. So I want both. Gimme one woman to regularly have sex with and I’ll happily be emotionally intimate with another. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2005, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-prefer-a-lifetime-of-loveless-sex-or-sexless-love/337190/12 "2005-12-25T23:59:58Z")
By “sexless love” do you mean “No coitus” or “no yearning”? If the act of sex was not possible, for whatever reason, I could accept that. What I couldn’t accept would be a lack of intimacy-- I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t want to touch me or who didn’t want me to touch them, even if we couldn’t (for whatever reason) escalate that. Even if there was no proper libido (and there are medical conditions that kill your libido), in a romantic relationship there is this quality of physical yearning for the other person that I would have to have and would have to be recipocated. Without that, a relationship is just a friendship. I have plenty of those, and the love there is rea and truel, but they don’t substitute for a romantic relationship. ---
**Author:** ![ErinPuff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dbc845/32.png) [@ErinPuff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ErinPuff)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2005, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-prefer-a-lifetime-of-loveless-sex-or-sexless-love/337190/13 "2005-12-26T04:20:56Z")
Definitely sexless love. That’s what I want, anyway. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Good\_Egg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/96bed5/32.png) [@Good\_Egg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Good_Egg)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2005, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-prefer-a-lifetime-of-loveless-sex-or-sexless-love/337190/14 "2005-12-26T04:35:01Z")
There is no evidence that doing without sex makes one mentally unhealthy. That sounds like a line a guy made up to get sex. I would choose love without sex. Some couples have it where one partner was in an accident and cannot have sex, and the love is there. Sex without love just makes one a body with no feelings inside. Heck, they could become a prostitute and make money off it. ---
**Author:** ![CynicalGabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3e96dc/32.png) [@CynicalGabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CynicalGabe)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2005, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-prefer-a-lifetime-of-loveless-sex-or-sexless-love/337190/15 "2005-12-26T05:03:34Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > OA great many of us get along quite well without sex _or_ love, because we _have_ to. It’s really no big deal. But you aren’t claiming that sex wouldn’t make it better, are you? ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2005, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-prefer-a-lifetime-of-loveless-sex-or-sexless-love/337190/16 "2005-12-26T05:06:00Z")
I too would need to know why we can’t have sex. Going from my own assumptions though, I’ll take the love. My highspeed internet can help cover the rest of the bases. ---
**Author:** ![Martin\_Hyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/47e85d/32.png) [@Martin\_Hyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martin_Hyde)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2005, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-prefer-a-lifetime-of-loveless-sex-or-sexless-love/337190/17 "2005-12-26T05:08:49Z")
> [@Good Egg](#): > > There is no evidence that doing without sex makes one mentally unhealthy. That sounds like a line a guy made up to get sex. I would choose love without sex. Some couples have it where one partner was in an accident and cannot have sex, and the love is there. Sex without love just makes one a body with no feelings inside. Heck, they could become a prostitute and make money off it. I think for some people going without sex could be harmful. But I think there are a lot of people who not only can actually do just fine in such a situation, there are some people who prefer it. There’s an entire “asexual movement” comprised of people who feel little desire for sex. IF you check out some asexual message boards there are many posters on there who, while they may have had sex, indicate they really have no interest in it, don’t actively pursue it, and many of them have been happily living without sex for years. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2005, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-prefer-a-lifetime-of-loveless-sex-or-sexless-love/337190/18 "2005-12-26T16:30:10Z")
**Eve** has the right of it. Plenty of us out here getting along quite nicely without either one. First step is discarding the misconception that there _must_ be somebody else in your life. ---
**Author:** ![ErinPuff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dbc845/32.png) [@ErinPuff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ErinPuff)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2005, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-prefer-a-lifetime-of-loveless-sex-or-sexless-love/337190/19 "2005-12-26T17:27:09Z")
> [@Martin Hyde](#): > > There’s an entire “asexual movement” comprised of people who feel little desire for sex. IF you check out some asexual message boards there are many posters on there who, while they may have had sex, indicate they really have no interest in it, don’t actively pursue it, and many of them have been happily living without sex for years. The biggest asexual message board is [AVEN, at asexuality.org](http://www.asexuality.org/discussion/). The main site also has some good general information about asexuality. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2005, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-prefer-a-lifetime-of-loveless-sex-or-sexless-love/337190/20 "2005-12-26T17:38:52Z")
Loveless sex, please. I’d rather spend my life having sex with someone I like than not having sex with someone I love. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-prefer-a-lifetime-of-loveless-sex-or-sexless-love/337190.md?page=2)