I don’t know his Gmail password, and he doesn’t know mine. Unless he left himself signed in to Gmail, I couldn’t do it if I wanted to. Which I don’t.
If I really don’t want people finding out about something, though, I don’t email it. It’s safer not to leave written records. People can forward email from you without your knowledge or consent.
I don’t read my husband’s email and he doesn’t read mine. We both know each other’s passwords and have logged onto the other’s account at various times if we need a piece of information and they don’t have access to a computer (with their permission, of course). When that happens, we go in and forward the relevant email and ignore the rest (because, really, I am sure there is nothing nefarious there and it’s probably all boring anyway).
The only snooping I do is that I will occasionally watch my husband’s porn. While I know that some of it is just fantasy stuff, it gives me a good idea of what turns him on and I will try to lean in the direction of something he might be too shy to tell me he is into. I felt really bad about it the first few times I did it, though so I told him. Now I have permission to do so and we talk about it and sometimes watch together. He’s a prankster though so he will occasionally throw in something really weird just to see my reaction.
I think one thing is that different people have different levels of personal stuff in their email. For some people, email is all logistical stuff and links to family photos, for others its where the most personal things are. Obviously those people are going to have different views about whether it matters to see each others’ email.
And when I say “most personal thing”, I mean, even if you’re NOT going to bitch behind someone’s back, I think it’s legitimate to randomly feel insecure about something and want to talk it over with your best friend and decide it’s not a big deal before blurting out “WE HAVE A PROBLEM AND MUST FIX IT RIGHT NOW” over breakfast. Some people would do that in the pub. Some people over email.
For the record, I don’t really need to keep personal/financial stuff secret – my SO may not know all of it immediately, but I wouldn’t mind if she happened to see.
But what is secret would be conversations with friends about THEIR venting and THEIR life. If my best friend is sharing emotional stuff with me for support in confidence (or even something more long term like an engagement or a divorce or a good or bad diagnosis), I don’t think that should automatically go to my SO, else it’ll end up going to my SO’s best friend, and my SO’s best friend’s SO, etc, etc.
Also, work stuff. I don’t have anything very confidential at the moment, but many people will deal with stuff for work that’s confidential to a greater or lesser extent, and it’d be a breach of ethics for their SO to see their work email. In fact, if you work for the department of defence or something, you can probably be arrested for treason if you let someone read your email at the wrong time 
That said, I don’t know if I’m surprised or not. I think reading someone’s email is (commonly, not always) a big invasion of privacy. But so is following them, or checking up on them at work, and even if it’s wrong we know people do those things when they’re worried about their spouse. It’s very weird to me to think of a situation where I wouldn’t be able to ask my SO what’s wrong and get an honest if unpalatable answer, but if I were in a different situation where I couldn’t, I don’t know how I’d feel.
ETA: That said, regardless of the literal answer, I think answering “no, not under any circumstances” is probably a high predictor for being someone I would be compatible with
Like Waxwinged said, there’s nothing to hide. The moment I feel like I need to hide something from her would be when I think there’s a problem with the relationship.
I keep my work email private, but only because it could cost me my job to give my wife the password and she really does have no need to read it as it is completely unrelated to her in every way. I don’t particularly care if she sees what is in it while I am working on it, within reason (some emails are confidential). It is kind of annoying when she stands at my shoulder while I write emails but mostly because I get anxious when I have an audience.
I can’t think of a situation where I would care to read my husband’s email unless he asked me to. I know his passwords, but have only ussd them a handful of times. Of course if I thought he was cheating I’m not sure what I’d do. I’d prefer to talk to him first rather than seek proof of some sort.
I’m thinking this is sort of related to the “who has your keys” question which came up a while back.
My family shares keys to use in case of emergency; this includes virtual keys (aka passwords) as well as physical ones. I don’t use my keys to The Bros’ houses to rummage in their underwear drawers, but if one of them is in the hospital, I can bring them underwear. I don’t read Littlebro’s email, but if he’s in the hospital, I can open his email and send notice to his out-of-town friends.
I’m kinda debating with myself about this one now.
My initial reaction was along the lines how damaging an unfounded accusation could be, and if by doing a 5 minute glance through emails I could confirm / deny a (probably) irrational fear - then it’s better to snoop.
Then on the other hand, how damaging is the thought that its ok to snoop to the relationship?
Fuck no.
Even when my relationship was breaking down and she was cheating on me I still didn’t do that. Hell, even after we broke up and I had the password to her account I still didn’t. Just … no.
PS. What I’d LIKE (for email as well as facebook, etc) is to accept that people sometimes need to legimately access someone’s account and have a proper system for it with some sensible safeguards, rather than polarising people into “never under and circumstances” and “yeah, go ahead, impersonate me as much as you want”. Eg. you can designate an official emergency contact in your account, and they can authenticate themself, certifiy there’s a good need, and view your account, but just in case, it keeps a record of what they do, and if they need to send an email it’s clearly marked “on behalf of”, etc. Then it fulfils all the functionality, but without making people merge amoeba-like into the same legal entity
We know each other’s passwords, but I never snoop. I’m an adult and I trust him. Generally speaking, people who snoop need to either choose their SOs more wisely, or get some therapy.
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Yeah, I kinda question the idea that violating your SO’s privacy is a good way to build trust.
I guess it ultimately depends on your relationship and personal hangups. For example, it bothers me to find my husband randomly digging through my purse. He does that on occaision if I’ve left one out and have switched bags. He’s only trying to clean it for me and there’s nothing in there I would mind showing him or anyone else, but seeing the way he paws through it bothers me. I’d much rather he read my email. Just my personal preference.
I’d read his and he’d read mine. We’re not hiding anything from each other. If he needed to get into my email and find something he’s allowed, and vice versa.
It would never occur to me to snoop however. Him either. We’d just ask if we can check on something.
I have nothing to hide. If I did, I wouldn’t use my “real” email account anyway. But I still insist on maintaining privacy in things like that, even from my wife who I’ve been with for half my life.
For me, it’s a need to keep a sense of identity. We have so much that’s joint, blended, and shared. If I didn’t hold on to a couple of bastions of singularity, I’d feel like we had merged into one indistinguishable mass.
So when it comes to my email, Facebook, text messages, etc…those are for my eyes only. And it’s not because there’s anything interesting to anyone in there. It’s because I need to maintain something that’s just mine. Secrecy doesn’t mean subversion.
My wife isn’t particularly private about her stuff, but I’m also not particularly interested in it. I seem to have more need to maintain her privacy than she does. I won’t get into her purse to find something, even when she tells me to, except under protest. For me, it feels like invading her privacy, and I wouldn’t want it done to me.
I am kind of surprised to see so many people saying they share their passwords with their SOs. I’ve been single for a while now so maybe I’m just out of it, but I had no idea this was so common. While I can see why married/living together couples might need a shared account (electronic billing, etc.), I’d be rather offended if someone I was in a relationship with asked for the password to my personal account and it would never even occur to me to ask for someone else’s password.
Yeah, there’s nothing even remotely racy/secret/illicit lurking in my Gmail account – it’s almost entirely “How are you doing? I finally finished repainting my upstairs bathroom” type emails from my mother and friends in other parts of the country, purchase notices from Amazon, and a couple of newsletters – but I see no reason why anyone else should have access to it. If I actually had secret information in my email then that would at least be a reason for my (hypothetical) SO to want to read it, but given the extremely mundane nature of my correspondence I feel like only a total psycho would want my password.
I find the idea that only people with something to hide need privacy to be Orwellian. I have private thoughts, my wife has private thoughts. We are both two fully realized individuals who are secure enough with ourselves and each other that neither of us assumes the other one is up to something unless monitored.
I’m not surprised that lots of people would look - I am surprised that they would admit it on a dating site. I just assumed that people would lie about it as well (maybe even to themselves).
Possibly that makes me a little cynical. Oh well.
There is a gigantic gulf of difference between the government invading your privacy and your wife reading your email, at least to me.
Me and my wife share passwords but its not an official ceremony or anything, it just arose out of need either for emails from the bank/credit cards or answering customer emails. Just off the top of my head I can think of a couple things including this board where we don’t know each other’s passwords because there is no need to.
I wouldn’t be really offended if my email was read BY HER, I’d be more concerned about what caused the suspicion she had.
Agreed, and the answer is usually a flat-out “no”, regardless of the relationship. I don’t have anything in particular to hide, but just the same, they have nothing they should be looking for. It’s the principle of it and a matter of respect, in my opinion.
My passwords, email, etc. stay private and will remain my concern, just as I’d respect others. Even with permission, I’d prefer not to look around in someone else’s email, unless I absolutely had to. I’m just not that curious and would sooner talk to the person if I had any issue(s).
I read this thread through with avid interest, debating whether or not to answer.
I am exceptionally private. This comes from the way I grew up - in my parents’ house, I had NO privacy. Whether I was doing something “bad” or not. So I can’t stand people going through my stuff now.
I thought about all of the stuff I do on e-mail. It’s not that much, or anything bad. But it would really bother me if anyone snooped through it.
Right now I have in my inbox:
three or four e-mails from car dealerships since I am looking for a car
some information about financial aid since i am applying for college this fall
an e-mail about the kelly blue book value of my car
two e-mails about interesting games
an ongoing e-mail entitled “kindle books to buy” - I update this whenever i come across a new one
Etc. None of this is private…but why do I have to share it? It makes my eye twitch just to think about it.
I actually have had an SO go through my e-mail. He had a legitimate reason (I was out of town and he was looking for a travel itinerary) but it absolutely skeeved me out that he read through whatever else he read through, innocent e-mails, but MY e-mails, and it bothers me to this day.