With the traumatic stuff, I’ve had a lot of time to heal and process, and he hasn’t. I feel like if he’s hit full-on by rawness of my correspondence when that happened- which is brutally raw and heartbreaking- his protectiveness is going to come up and he’s just going to end up feeling angry and powerless. I can’t extricate those moments away from the context and the healing process now, but he will see them alone in their full power unmediated by everything that’s happened since. It took me years to learn how to process that event, why would I ever want someone i love to see me hurt like that, when there is nothing he could have done about it? Why would I want those images in his head, when it took me so long and so much work to get them out of mine?
My SO has to understand me now, but I’m not sure that he has to understand me as I was at 25. We are all the sum of our experiences, but the work-in-progress isn’t always pretty and isn’t always directly relevant to the end result.
I think this needs to be cleared up before you go telling someone stuff. I generally don’t keep secrets from my wife, and I consider it my decision whether to tell her something or not. Telling me something then telling me “don’t tell your wife” doesn’t, in my mind, create an obligation for me. Give me a chance first to say, “I don’t keep secrets from my wife”.
And certainly don’t assume, as others apparently do, that something is secret.
^This. Except that I don’t think there’s anything I haven’t yet or wouldn’t consider telling my husband about myself. Something of that nature may well come up, but it hasn’t so far.
I’m not surprised that some people share information/emails with their partners, but I am quite surprised to hear that those folks think that I should assume that they do. Ignorance fought.
I can vividly remember as a young child my mother teaching me about privacy and interpersonal relationships. One of her illustrations was the fact that she would NEVER read my father’s mail. The big exception: my Dad was stationed overseas for a while and she had to open his mail while he was gone. She told me that it creeped her out every time she opened an envelope that was not addressed to her personally.
This is consistent in my family. If I want to tell one of my siblings AND his/her spouse something, I send an email to both addresses.
I think you should assume, not because everyone will do it, but because a large number of people will be sharing, so if you’re concerned about both halves of a marriage knowing something that you only tell to one person, you should clarify with those people if they are the type of couple that keeps things secret from each other.
Can we respect the difference between secrecy and privacy?
There are plenty of things that you may want to keep private between you and a good friend, and it’s not “keeping secrets” for them not to immediately spill the dirt to their spouse.
For example, I might want to talk to a good friend when I’m frustrated by my husband’s sexual performance issues, or when a close family member is diagnosed as HIV+, or if I think I might be developing a drinking problem and want an honest assessment from someone who knows me well, or if I have a mysterious genital rash and am freaking out.
In these situations, you might want the support that a good friend- who you may have known for decades- can provide. But you may not want their spouse- who maybe you just met- to be sizing up your husband, giving dirty looks to your HIV+ family member, giving you the stinkeye every time you pour a drink or glancing suspiciously at your crotch.
For me, at least, the problem with that scenario is that I’m suddenly in this position where my friend is in trouble and needs support and guidance. Talking it through with my husband is how I figure out what I want to/ought to do. I don’t have complicated emotional things that he doesn’t know about, and my friend having problems is a complicated emotional thing for me.
That doesn’t mean we are “mind-melded” or that I don’t have an independent identity. It’s just getting his perspective is part of my thinking process.
Furthermore, I wonder if some of you aren’t thinking of SO’s in terms of months or years. When a relationship goes for a decade or more, it seems to me that it would be exhausting to have a store of things you weren’t supposed to share: who wants to have to keep track? I don’t want to have to remember whether or not cousin Mabel’s HIV is on the ok to talk about list or if I am supposed to know that Suzie has a tatoo.
Finally, at some point keeping secrets feels like lying. If I have ring-side seats to, say, a couple’s marriage slowly collapsing, but I never, ever breathe a word to my husband about it as we continue to see the couple socially, it’s going to be really weird when they make the big break up announcement and he’s flabbergasted and I am saying it’s about time.
Now, I’d never tell my husband something if I promised I wouldn’t, but that’s why I’d never promise I wouldn’t.
In my previous post, I could have used the word “private” instead of “secret”, my bad.
Well yeah, if the spouse is a mannerless boor, you may want to emphasize to your friend that she shouldn’t share the information with her husband (change pronouns as necessary to apply to your situation.) I have no problem with people making that request, I just think it’s good to make the request explicit, and be prepared for the possible response that your married friend shares things with her husband and you shouldn’t confide in her if one of the conditions is that you don’t want her husband to know.
Anything told to me in confidence will immediately get passed to my best friend, my SO, my husband (hint: they’re all the same guy). And he would do the same to me.
Even if I had friends with deep dark secrets, my husband is going to know about it. The whole point of him being my husband is that he knows all and I know all about his friends/family with deep dark secrets.
I don’t understand why anyone would want to keep something from their spouse.
I have had two spouses, and this was the case both times.
They should ask before assuming someone won’t tell their spouse. If they do and Sister Vigilante tells them “No, I won’t even tell my husband”, then you have a point. Otherwise, you don’t.
No, when you tell someone something “in confidence” (her words) the assumption is that it’s, ya know, in confidence.
If she makes a point of telling people that anything they say to her will be repeated to her husband, that’s on them. If she doesn’t say that, well… I’m assuming she hasn’t said that, or people wouldn’t tell her things “in confidence”.
Again… no. When someone starts to tell you something that they presumably wouldn’t want shared, it’s on you to tell them that you won’t respect their privacy. If you accept people’s confidences with no intention of respecting them, you are an asshole.
Here’s how I see it… if you tell your SO things that you can reasonably assume that your friends would be embarrassed by or upset about them knowing, you’re a shitty friend. And frankly, I fail to see how it makes you a better SO.
I tell my SO all kinds of things that my friends and I talk about, but nothing I think would embarrass them, because he doesn’t need to know. I’m not keeping things from him, I’m simply not sharing things that aren’t really mine to share.
So now you have an ex with no reason to be loyal to you, your friends, and your family that also knows everything? That is one of the best reasons against sharing everything with a spouse because they may not always be.
Uh, no, I think it’s on the person who tells her spouse everything to let her friends know that when she agrees to keep something confidential she makes an exception for her husband. I wouldn’t ordinarily be surprised or offended to learn that a friend had mentioned something I’d told her to her husband, but if I specifically said that I was telling her something in confidence then that changes things. If she agrees to keep the information confidential, I shouldn’t have to add “And don’t tell your husband, either!”
Based on Sister Vigilante’s post, it doesn’t look like this would do any good anyway. She says she’d tell her husband even the “deep dark secrets” of her friends, and that she can’t understand keeping anything from her spouse. Well, if that’s working for her and her husband then that’s great for them, but I’d say it’s on her to be up front about this arrangement with anyone who asks her to keep a secret.
DianaG and Lamia, it’s their marriage, not yours. If you don’t agree with your friends, tough. It’s not your place to tell them how their marriage should work.
Zen Beam, exactly. It’s their marriage. Not mine. If I wanted their SOs to know everything about me, I’d have married them. I’m not telling them how their marriages should work, I’m telling them how *friendship *works, and part of it is being honest about telling your friends that their confidences will be relayed to the SO. Once more, it is not okay to accept confidences that you’ve no intention of keeping. Being married does not exempt you from simple decency.
I’m not arguing that your romantic relationship shouldn’t take precedence, I’m arguing that it’s not okay to give your friends the impression that they can tell you things in confidence if they can’t. Once you’ve made clear to them that anything you know, the SO knows, it’s up to them how to proceed. But don’t be surprised if you find yourself running short of friends.
