# would you tell a date to be quieter? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 8, 2011, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-tell-a-date-to-be-quieter/591912 "2011-08-08T04:00:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-tell-a-date-to-be-quieter/591912/21 "2011-08-08T16:04:39Z")
> [@antonio107](#): > > No…what I’m saying is that I’m seldom **consciously** aware I’m “talking loud,” and so I only keep it quiet for a few minutes, before I need to be scolded/shushed again. I think I might even be hard of hearing. So in the course of the evening that really pisses me off. Do you want to be lectured every few moments on a vocal tic, or the squeakiness of your voice, or some weird thing you do with your hands? I don’t. But apparently I need to “adjust to the social norm,” lest I offend that oh so important demographic, fucking nobodies at a coffee shop. :rolleyes: But if you know you’re always loud, why don’t you make an effort to keep talking softer? > [@](#): > > If it’s so unbearable, don’t talk to me! I used to get embarassed by it, but I’m beyond that. I seem to recall a pit thread a while back where the OP got jumped on for saying his gf dressed frumpy. FFS, I think I’d have an easier time changing my wardrobe to impress someone than constantly doing a sound check to see if my voice was too loud. That thread was only ridiculous because people actually rose to the bait. ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-tell-a-date-to-be-quieter/591912/22 "2011-08-08T16:17:46Z")
> [@antonio107](#): > > I think I might even be hard of hearing. . That’s what I put it down to. And yes, I would point it out to someone I was with if they were talking too loudly - but not to a stranger. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-tell-a-date-to-be-quieter/591912/23 "2011-08-08T16:35:45Z")
Starbucks dude was out of line to indicate to you that you should be the one to quiet your date. If he had a problem with the loudness of your date’s voice, he should have said something directly to him. It doesn’t sound like you thought is was **too** loud, or you would have said something. If you do think it was too loud but are hoping that it will quiet down over time, then you’re probably wrong. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-tell-a-date-to-be-quieter/591912/24 "2011-08-08T16:41:25Z")
> [@antonio107](#): > > . But apparently I need to “adjust to the social norm,” lest I offend that oh so important demographic, fucking nobodies at a coffee shop. :rolleyes:. You are probably not just “offending” those nobodies, your actively irritating them and intruding on THEIR converstations with your loudness. There is a difference. And those fucking nobodies have as much right to enjoy their time out as you do. You apparently have a problem. Tell your companions to point their ear or something when you start ramping up again. Don’t take it personal, just fix it. Unless you think you have some fundamental right to be loud tone it down a bit please. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-tell-a-date-to-be-quieter/591912/25 "2011-08-08T16:55:24Z")
Why should I stop farting? It’s my air too… suck it up and deal, nobodies! ---
**Author:** ![simple\_homer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9de0a6/32.png) [@simple\_homer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/simple_homer)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-tell-a-date-to-be-quieter/591912/26 "2011-08-08T17:05:14Z")
Bring back smoking in public places ! Fucking nobodies at a coffee shop don’t have a right to smoke-free air !. If it’s so unbearable, don’t breathe ! ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-tell-a-date-to-be-quieter/591912/27 "2011-08-08T17:09:29Z")
> [@antonio107](#): > > No…what I’m saying is that I’m seldom **consciously** aware I’m “talking loud,” and so I only keep it quiet for a few minutes, before I need to be scolded/shushed again. I think I might even be hard of hearing. So in the course of the evening that really pisses me off. Do you want to be lectured every few moments on a vocal tic, or the squeakiness of your voice, or some weird thing you do with your hands? I don’t. But apparently I need to “adjust to the social norm,” lest I offend that oh so important demographic, fucking nobodies at a coffee shop. :rolleyes: > > If it’s so unbearable, don’t talk to me! I used to get embarassed by it, but I’m beyond that. I seem to recall a pit thread a while back where the OP got jumped on for saying his gf dressed frumpy. FFS, I think I’d have an easier time changing my wardrobe to impress someone than constantly doing a sound check to see if my voice was too loud. It’s possible to become aware of your own voice, but you have to care enough about other people’s comfort to do so. You might also need feedback from other people. However, you don’t want to modify your behavior. Yeah, we get it. Don’t be surprised, though, if people decide not to socialize with you. And don’t be surprised if you don’t advance in your career, unless your career is something that requires a very booming voice at all times. ---
**Author:** ![Snifit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5fc32e/32.png) [@Snifit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snifit)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-tell-a-date-to-be-quieter/591912/28 "2011-08-08T17:12:53Z")
Huh, I wasn’t aware that loud voices cause cancer. ---
**Author:** ![LurkerInNJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-tell-a-date-to-be-quieter/591912/29 "2011-08-08T17:18:54Z")
I would have said something, but in a nice way and not making a big deal out of it. It’s probably not the first time it has been called to his attention, so I would expect that he is aware of this and knows how to dial it down. ---
**Author:** ![OneMissedPost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8e7dd6/32.png) [@OneMissedPost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneMissedPost)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-tell-a-date-to-be-quieter/591912/30 "2011-08-08T17:27:16Z")
Yes. I would tell a date to be quieter. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-tell-a-date-to-be-quieter/591912/31 "2011-08-08T17:41:27Z")
…SO THEN I TELL THE COP, RECTUM? I HARDLY EVEN KNEW HIM! WAITRESS! MORE CHEESE ROLLS. AND A REFILL ON MY DIET COKE ncb ---
**Author:** ![antonio107](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/7ea924/32.png) [@antonio107](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/antonio107)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-tell-a-date-to-be-quieter/591912/32 "2011-08-08T17:42:25Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > It’s possible to become aware of your own voice, but you have to care enough about other people’s comfort to do so. You might also need feedback from other people. However, you don’t want to modify your behavior. Yeah, we get it. Don’t be surprised, though, if people decide not to socialize with you. And don’t be surprised if you don’t advance in your career, unless your career is something that requires a very booming voice at all times. Well, before I got into my current line of work/school, I was an organist who also was a classically trained singer…so…I guess that is one a small handful of jobs where a loud voice is an asset! And most of the musician friends I have are at least a little hard of hearing from years of concert going. So…maybe that’s why it doesn’t come up as often as it shoud? Iunno, I’m above average loud, but maybe this guy the OP is talking about is train horn loud, for all I know. ---
**Author:** ![what\_do\_I\_type\_here](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a5b964/32.png) [@what\_do\_I\_type\_here](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/what_do_I_type_here)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-tell-a-date-to-be-quieter/591912/33 "2011-08-08T19:02:18Z")
Yup, I was told to be quieter on a date once. It made me angry, I admit. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-tell-a-date-to-be-quieter/591912/34 "2011-08-08T21:51:41Z")
Well, like **Gary T** , my voice tends to get louder if I’m really into a conversation. My husband has looked at me before and said ‘Yes, I agree with you, but why are you shouting??’ Am I? Oops. So, with that in mind, there are loud talkers and then there are LOUD talkers. I think if I was out with someone and they were speaking so loudly that people were turning to look at them I might mention that their voice was a touch loud. If they were just talking loudish so that perhaps the people _only at the next table_ were noticing, I probably wouldn’t mention it. I mean there are degrees of everything, and a slightly louder voice seems well within the realm of socially acceptable. If you’re full on yelling so that other people in a coffee shop can’t hear their own companions, well, yah - you need to quiet down. ---
**Author:** ![antonio107](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/7ea924/32.png) [@antonio107](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/antonio107)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-tell-a-date-to-be-quieter/591912/35 "2011-08-08T23:43:37Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > Well, like **Gary T** , my voice tends to get louder if I’m really into a conversation. My husband has looked at me before and said ‘Yes, I agree with you, but why are you shouting??’ > > Am I? Oops. > > So, with that in mind, there are loud talkers and then there are LOUD talkers. I think if I was out with someone and they were speaking so loudly that people were turning to look at them I might mention that their voice was a touch loud. If they were just talking loudish so that perhaps the people _only at the next table_ were noticing, I probably wouldn’t mention it. I mean there are degrees of everything, and a slightly louder voice seems well within the realm of socially acceptable. If you’re full on yelling so that other people in a coffee shop can’t hear their own companions, well, yah - you need to quiet down. This +1. ---
**Author:** ![Jaledin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Jaledin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaledin)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2011, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-tell-a-date-to-be-quieter/591912/36 "2011-08-09T00:10:16Z")
Yeah, that person you’re “with” probably likes your voice (or tolerates it because you haven’t given it up yet – and wth not?). Still, if you’re that loud that strangers intervene, it’s not them, it’s you. That guy was probably a giant douche, though, so in answer to your OP – yes, I would muff-punch a loud date with my hot coffee if she were loud, before leaving like a twink hoping she’d shut up. But if someone told me to STFU, I’d pick up a rock and pretend like I was a-going to beat their temples in with it. Maybe I’d do it, too, but not unprovoked and in a coffee shop. WTF is with this coffee shop bullshit on a DATE, anyway? Are you asexual? Scared of men? Hate this guy? I’d never meet a girl more involved with me than my sister at some java hut. Unless, that is **Diogenes** , and I were helping … her … mother shop for a training bra … for practice … play. Or she were in high school. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2011, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-tell-a-date-to-be-quieter/591912/37 "2011-08-09T00:12:18Z")
Well, that sure was illuminating. ---
**Author:** ![Jaledin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Jaledin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaledin)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2011, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-tell-a-date-to-be-quieter/591912/38 "2011-08-09T00:20:08Z")
I can’t hear you – my date with whom I loathe speaking directly is “being” so loud. ---
**Author:** ![Electric\_Warrior](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@Electric\_Warrior](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Electric_Warrior)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2011, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-tell-a-date-to-be-quieter/591912/39 "2011-08-09T01:38:19Z")
No, I’ve never had to shush a date - the only two people I’ve ever really been on ‘dates’ with both have very quiet speaking voices. However, I do have some personal experience here. I can be very loud, especially when I’m excited. It stings when people comment on this, but I know it’s needed. It’s not other people’s fault that I have embarrassed myself. Also, I have a friend whose voice is especially loud - their conversational tone often sounds like shouting. The first time I pointed this out to them sheepishly, they thanked me and said they know it’s an issue. They can’t tell when they’re shouting and they appreciate it being pointed out. EDIT: uh, what, coffee shops are excellent places for dates. It’s a casual atmosphere that encourages socializing. ---
**Author:** ![Electric\_Warrior](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@Electric\_Warrior](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Electric_Warrior)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2011, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-you-tell-a-date-to-be-quieter/591912/40 "2011-08-09T01:39:42Z")
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