Man…the worst I had to deal with at AT&T were a bunch of tone-deaf numbnuts whose musical tastes were apparently inspired by American Idol rejects, and they were all canned within three weeks. How the heck am I gonna handle every detail of my life scrutinized to death for four years?
Still, if I were somehow blessed with the task, man, I’d go nuts. Start by ordering a complete pullout of Iraq…but not until we take some of the oil. Hell, that’s what everyone thinks this was all about anyway, why not make it official? I’d order an immediate end to the drug war, on the grounds that any program that sucks up billions of dollars over several decades either accomplishes its objective or is discarded as completely hopeless. I’d reinstate the estate tax and raise capital gains and high-level income taxes to pre-Reagan levels. The right-wing boobs will of course bleat about how I’m “raising taxes”; to counter this, I’ll run a national address where I patiently explain how my hikes only reverse cuts that were made in the past and does not affect a single American who is not obscenely rich. While I’m at it, of course, I’d demonstrate via graphs how the Republican “tax cuts” overwhelmingly benefitted the extremely wealthy and powerful. I’d nationalize health care and assure all the blowhards who bellyache about “socialized medicine” that they’re can still be financially ruined after one medical procedure if they so choose. Contraceptives and abortion would be provided free of charge on the grounds that this country really doesn’t need any more people who couldn’t take care of a goldfish becoming parents. And if those right-to-lifers had a problem, I’d kindly inform them that I’m not listening to one word of their insane ravings until they adopt unwanted children, volunteer for child care, become teachers, or some other activity that shows that they actually give a crap about our children instead of trying to impose their demented Puritan vision on the rest of us. I’d end all corporate welfare on the grounds that a corporation that needs freaking handouts to exist doesn’t deserve to. Of course, I’d have to expand unemployment and welfare benefits to handle all the displaced workers that result, but given the ungodly billions I won’t be shelling out to these bloodsucking corporations anymore, there’ll be more than enough to go around. Oh yeah…all high schools would require a civics course which would teach our kids what’s really going on in the country…y’know, things like corporate welfare and spin doctoring and special interest groups…so that they don’t make moronic blunders like thinking that Saddam Hussein was beind 9/11, which is just NOT acceptable, kids. Oh, and discipline is now mandatory in all schools, all levels, and any school not actively enforcing a safe, sound, harmonious learning environment gets shut down until it damn well does. Children who can’t get with the program and who live only to tease, torment, harrass, bully, and generally make life miserable for others either shape up or are expelled. And if some pathetic snivelling toad of a parent whined and snivelled about how the mean old school won’t allow his or her child to go on a psychotic rampage every day and make live a living hell for everyone else in the school, the school officials would be authorized to respond with the government-approved reply, namely, “freak off”. (And then they could helpfully instruct them on where to get free contraception so they don’t make that mistake again.) As for selective service and the draft, they’re both over…forever. If anyone advocates mandatory service on the grounds that “kids need discipline”, I’ll reply by saying that if you haven’t done your goddam duty for 18 years, it’s far too late for half-baked stopgap measures. We probably won’t need draftees anyway, since, unlike some people, I don’t like the label “chickenhawk”, but just in case we need to stay strong, I’d encourage enlistment by raising the pay and benefits our servicepeople get by a considerable sum. Also, by order of the Commander in Chief, something as pathetically trivial as homosexuality is no longer grounds for keeping anyone out of the ground forces, and I’d openly ask the homophobes why the hell they’re opposed to homosexuals entering in an occupation where there’s a chance that they’ll die.
Of course, I’d pass more than my share of petty edicts. Like, say, a federal law banning stupid warning labels on video games. If a parent is concerned about whether a game is appropriate for little Junior, he/she can do a little research, ask game store employees for advice, maybe ask for a test…y’know, all the things concerned parents did BEFORE THOSE MORONIC HAM-HANDED UGLY HIDEOUS GARISH PIECE OF ****** LABELS EXISTED.
Reelection? Why the hell do I want reelection? I don’t want to tiptoe and mince and hedge for four years before I start doing anything useful! My time is valuable, dammit! 