# Would your child be allowed to date someone of a different race/ethnicity/creed?

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-your-child-be-allowed-to-date-someone-of-a-different-race-ethnicity-creed/277324>\
**Category:** Great Debates\
**Created:** [November 30, 2004, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-your-child-be-allowed-to-date-someone-of-a-different-race-ethnicity-creed/277324 "2004-11-30T14:20:05Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 20\
**Page:** 5

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**Author:** ![Illinois\_Boy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Illinois\_Boy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Illinois_Boy)\
**Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-your-child-be-allowed-to-date-someone-of-a-different-race-ethnicity-creed/277324/81 "2004-12-01T17:52:49Z")

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Yes, I would.

Because I did.

And more importantly, my wife did too! 😉

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**Author:** ![Aldebaran](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c6cbf5/32.png) [@Aldebaran](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aldebaran)\
**Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-your-child-be-allowed-to-date-someone-of-a-different-race-ethnicity-creed/277324/82 "2004-12-01T17:57:24Z")

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> [@Elenia28](#):
>
> I’m offended, too. My not wanting my daughter to marry you has nothing to do with terrorism at all. Rather, it has to do with the distressing frequency of Muslim men of my acquaintance to treat women as second-class citizens, and it has everything to do with how I perceive your behavior on the boards: touchy and easily set off, just like now.

This is funny.  
_You_ are offended because I find your personal attack offensive?

In case you don’t remember: You had already a post made that comes down to a declaration that in your eyes every Muslim male is listed as the equivalent of The Most Beastlike Husband a woman can get.  
That was already clear enough, but you found it needed to add that in your view Aldebaran completely fits that description.

Now you make of it that you judge “my behaviour” on the SDMB. Sorry, but can you make up your mind?  
What is it:  
Me being a man you never met.  
Me being a Muslim you never met, but since I am and Muslim and a man I am by your definition treating women as second class citizens.  
Me being the membername Aldebaran on the SDMB = also a Muslim and also a man you also never met.

By the way: Is it your habit to make up your mind about issues as complex a humans and human behaviour simply by observing “some men you know”, including a man you definitely don’t know yet you think to know because you read his posts on an anonymous message board?

I know a lot of men and women. Muslims,Christians, Jews, Atheists and maybe here and there someone who follows and other religion or non-religion.  
If I had to make up my mind about all the groups or religions or cultures or nationalities they belong to by singling out what I don’t like in the behaviour of these people, I would feel sorry for myself.

But here you are declaring that in your view Muslim men are by definition designed to mistreat woman and that I am definitely one of them.  
God… I truly wonder why my wives married me in the first place and secondly why they still are not ready to run away screaming for help. All these years they get beaten the life out of them, they are locked up behind bars, they have no say in anything but what I say they can talk about…And still no result.  
I think I’m going to commit suicide.

By the way, maybe you can contribute your so unbiased informative view and wisdom on the subject in a thread that is open and running right now on this very forum:

> **[How much power & influence do women really have in Islamic societies?](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=288707)**
>
> I’ve often heard it mentioned how powerful mothers and wives are in Islamic societies, with respect to directing and inluencing families and family affairs, especially in high status and powerful families. Given women’s constrained role ( to our...

An excellent occasion to come up with your interesting stories about your dear male Muslim connections. Maybe you can get a little insight in their behaviour because a certain Muslim man - who happens to know what he talks about - is participating in that thread.

Salaam. A

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**Author:** ![Paladud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Paladud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paladud)\
**Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-your-child-be-allowed-to-date-someone-of-a-different-race-ethnicity-creed/277324/83 "2004-12-01T18:13:44Z")

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> [@Angua](#):
>
> Fair enough. Nothing I, nor anyone else will say can change your view. However, I will let you know that not all Muslims meet your bigoted standards, and some of them are rather open minded and not at all like you’d expect.

Of course not, you’re all terrorists! 😉 . You may well be a good person. **Aldebaran** runs around with a chip the size of Khufu’s pyramid on his shoulder, but I do too, so who am I to judge? That’s the beauty of the forums - the impressions we make on each other are based solely on our words, not our appearance.

> [@](#):
>
> What I meant by ‘bigoted’, which is probably the wrong word to have used, and I should have used ‘prejudiced’ instead. And having been a victim of both, I do know the difference.

You’re right, my choice of wording is poor. “Prejudiced” is a better word. I’m simply far less inclined to trust you until I know you, and less inclined to get to know you in the first place. Once I do know someone well, that knowledge supersedes any general preconceptions.

“Bigot” would probably better fit the kind folks who held me accountable - with fists and feet - for the unfortunate demise of their savior Jesus Christ some years back, or my dad, who makes **PaulFitzroy** look like the embodiment of tolerance.

And from where I stand, I do not see anything wrong with simple prejudice, other than its being rooted in ignorance at times.

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**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\
**Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-your-child-be-allowed-to-date-someone-of-a-different-race-ethnicity-creed/277324/84 "2004-12-01T18:24:44Z")

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Might I suggest that anyone who worries seriously about “forbidding” their daughter to get in a ployamorous relationship can pretty much check that one of your worry list? If, in mainstream American culture, your daughter has overcome cultural programming far enough to even consider such a thing, she isn’t going to listen to you when you start “forbidding” anyway. Your choices are pretty much suck it up and keep your daughter in your life or forbid away to empty air and no grandchildren.

And really, isn’t that true about much of the “forbidding” we’re talking about in this thread? Forbidding a young couple to date is nearly always the best way to ensure they get married.

WhyNot,  
cynical polyamorous married chick

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**Author:** ![Abbie\_Carmichael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/49beb7/32.png) [@Abbie\_Carmichael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Abbie_Carmichael)\
**Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-your-child-be-allowed-to-date-someone-of-a-different-race-ethnicity-creed/277324/85 "2004-12-01T20:21:38Z")

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Woah … Aldebaran has _wives?_

More than one?

Did I miss a memo?

Aldebaran, how’s that working for you? My husband says one wife is difficult enough!

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**Author:** ![zephyrine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/35a633/32.png) [@zephyrine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zephyrine)\
**Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-your-child-be-allowed-to-date-someone-of-a-different-race-ethnicity-creed/277324/86 "2004-12-01T20:24:08Z")

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The thought of forbidding my daughter to date someone based on their race/ethnicity/creed is almost as ludicrous as the idea that she would pay any attention to my veto.

I would certainly be upset if she was involved with someone who treated her with a lack of respect (which encompasses everything from treating her badly to being intolerant of her views). Given her upbringing and character, I find it difficult to believe that she would choose to be with someone whose way of life was so incompatible with ours that it would upset me to the point that I felt I had to intervene.

If you truly believe that you can dictate who your child falls for, it strikes me that there is a problem between the parent and child. Any child worth their salt will date the forbidden person behind the parent’s back, which immediately hinders the parent’s ability to help in case of problems.

As far as I’m concerned, my child can date people of any race and ethnicity she chooses. If she chose to date a violent racist, on the other hand, I would not be happy - in part because I would see this as signs of psychological problems on her part.

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**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\
**Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-your-child-be-allowed-to-date-someone-of-a-different-race-ethnicity-creed/277324/87 "2004-12-01T20:51:52Z")

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If my kids are anything like I was, what they’re “allowed” to do really won’t be much of an issue. Granted, I’d be _sad_ and a little scared if they started dating a person whose ethical stance differed wildly from my own–if, for example, they behaved well only out of fear of consequences in the afterlife, that’d squig me out, or if they believed in criminalizing behavior I consider harmless (such as abortion, sex between consenting adults, etc.)

But nothinga bout the person’s genetic makeup is going to give me much pause for thought.

Daniel

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**Author:** ![XT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xt/32/456_2.png) [@XT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XT)\
**Post date:** [December 1, 2004, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-your-child-be-allowed-to-date-someone-of-a-different-race-ethnicity-creed/277324/88 "2004-12-01T23:02:20Z")

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> [@Scylla](#):
>
> Dating my daughter. That is the crime.

Totally agree with this sentiment. 😃

Having said that though, and to answer the OP directly, I’d be pretty much a hypocrate to tell my children they can’t date someone of different ‘race/ethnicity/creed’ as my wife is a white blonde (German/Irish roots) from the North Eastern part of the country and I’m a black haired dark eyed hispanic from Mexico. 😉

However, its going to be grim for ANY male trying to date my little girl reguardless of their skin color or religion…or anything else for that matter. My boys though…they are on their own. 😉

-XT

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**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\
**Post date:** [December 2, 2004, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-your-child-be-allowed-to-date-someone-of-a-different-race-ethnicity-creed/277324/89 "2004-12-02T16:58:11Z")

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> [@Mr. Moto](#):
>
> I’m paying attention. I was just focusing, again, on the some Christians remark.
> 
> Seems like you would be upset if your kid dated a Christian who was an asshole, right? Wouldn’t the problem then be the jerkish behavior of the individual in question, rather than an entire religion?
> 
> I don’t know where religion has a place in the discussion, unless you really have a problem with religion. And, like I said before, that seems intolerant to me.

Mr. Moto, I have a huge problem with religion (specifically christianity, for purposes of this discussion). For myself. That’s why I don’t subscribe. I have a huge problem with certain christians that goes far beyond myself. I’m talking about hate speech and marginalization. I’m talking about the way they treat women as second class citizens, asking their wives to defer to them, refusing to let them become leaders in the church and blah, blah, blah. I’m against christianity as a secret subset of our government. I’m against having to trust in the christian god every time I tip a waiter.

Ms. O’Hair was an asshole, but it cannot be connected to anything external. She was simply a pain in the ass. Many christians treat their bretheren with disrespect (and worse) specifically _because_ of their religion. This is by their own admission.

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**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\
**Post date:** [December 2, 2004, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-your-child-be-allowed-to-date-someone-of-a-different-race-ethnicity-creed/277324/90 "2004-12-02T17:09:19Z")

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> [@Mr. Moto](#):
>
> If my kids were dating atheists, I’d be concerned solely with their character as individuals.

Well, you certainly wouldn’t have to be concerned with their religious beliefs! One less thing, ya know?

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**Author:** ![Siege](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dbc845/32.png) [@Siege](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siege)\
**Post date:** [December 2, 2004, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-your-child-be-allowed-to-date-someone-of-a-different-race-ethnicity-creed/277324/91 "2004-12-02T17:10:34Z")

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**Kalhoun** , I’m against the same things you listed, which is why I’m an Episcopalian Christian. I don’t have kids, nor am I likely to, but I’d have more of a problem with my neice or nephew dating someone who was an idiot of the same background as them than I would a reasonably intelligent person of a different background. I had my chance to date a nice, reasonably intelligent guy who even went to the same church I did. Hell, I did date him once and only once. I’ve also dated a self-professed “secular humanist” once. The reason I only dated him once has nothing to do with his religion and a lot to do with him being boring. I’d rather my nephew date an ethical Wiccan or atheist than an unethical Christian.

On the other hand, my mother gave me much the same speech **WhyNot** ’s did, and she does have a point. When I was involved with my church’s Diocesan Commission on Racism, I heard stories about interracial couples facing predjudice in church. (Changing that prejudice is one reason I joined the commission; my bishop’s own prejudice is the reason I resigned from it.) On the other hand, if I refuse to date someone just because of how others will respond to him, then I am the one being prejudiced, and that’s one vice I have no desire to try.

By the way, since the topic of sexism was just raised, if it’s not a hijack **Scylla, xtisme** , you’ve talked about men trying to date your daughters; why nothing about women trying to date your sons, if any?

CJ

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**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\
**Post date:** [December 2, 2004, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-your-child-be-allowed-to-date-someone-of-a-different-race-ethnicity-creed/277324/92 "2004-12-02T17:23:12Z")

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> [@Dante](#):
>
> Um, actually, you’re the one displaying insulting bigotry. You assume that what I said meant that I wouldn’t want my daughter to marry a Muslim (variation: an Arab), and that I equate all Muslims (variation: Arabs) with terrorists. Nothing could be further from the truth. (For the record, I don’t think all Irishmen are IRA mad bombers either.). You don’t need to swing for the bleachers everytime someone lobs up your name.
> 
> I don’t know that I’d like my daughter to marry into a multi-spousal situation though. And before you can go off on a tear, yes, that does include Mormons.
> 
> Feel free to misinterpret this post into an attack on the peoples and religions of the Middle East though.

Aldebaran’s in a multi-spouse situation? Who knew?

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**Author:** ![XT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xt/32/456_2.png) [@XT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XT)\
**Post date:** [December 2, 2004, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-your-child-be-allowed-to-date-someone-of-a-different-race-ethnicity-creed/277324/93 "2004-12-02T17:28:04Z")

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> [@Siege](#):
>
> By the way, since the topic of sexism was just raised, if it’s not a hijack Scylla, xtisme, you’ve talked about men trying to date your daughters; why nothing about women trying to date your sons, if any?

Well, I can’t answer for Scylla. For myself all I can say is we all have cultural baggage and blind spots…and this is one I still have. In hispanic societies its usually the mother who worries about who the son’s date (and marry), while the fathers are supposed to be overly protective about their daughters and look out for them.

I like to think I’m really past all that, and what I wrote was MOSTLY a joke…but I’m honest enough with myself to know I’ll be very critical of whoever tries to date my little girl. There are some other reasons too which are personal and I don’t want to get into in any depth…I’ll just say that my little girl is our only surviving daughter, she is the baby of the family, her birth was somewhat of a ‘miricle’ in the fact that it happened at all, and that I’m overly protective…and so are her big brothers. I pity the man who tries to date her.

-XT

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**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\
**Post date:** [December 2, 2004, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-your-child-be-allowed-to-date-someone-of-a-different-race-ethnicity-creed/277324/94 "2004-12-02T17:28:14Z")

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> [@roger thornhill](#):
>
> Me neither - it’s a truly horrid word.
> 
> As someone who married someone of a different ethnicity, might I just point out that some of us did it because no one from our own ethnicity was willing to marry us. Please cut us a bit of slack.

You’re kidding…right? You were shunned by your own race? But the shunning didn’t cross racial lines? Does your mate know you only married him/her because he/she would have you?

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**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\
**Post date:** [December 2, 2004, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-your-child-be-allowed-to-date-someone-of-a-different-race-ethnicity-creed/277324/95 "2004-12-02T17:35:09Z")

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> [@Angua](#):
>
> 😉 My boyfriend would object.
> 
> What was trying to say in my last statement 4 posts up (counting this one as well), is that I didn’t mean it as any sort of personal attack of insult, just that I wouldn’t want my children (or myself) to date anyone who held bigoted views, no matter what the justification for them.

My sentiments exactly. That’s why I would hope certain christian types are never involved with my son.

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**Author:** ![Aldebaran](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c6cbf5/32.png) [@Aldebaran](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aldebaran)\
**Post date:** [December 2, 2004, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-your-child-be-allowed-to-date-someone-of-a-different-race-ethnicity-creed/277324/96 "2004-12-02T17:56:25Z")

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> [@Abbie Carmichael](#):
>
> Aldebaran, how’s that working for you? My husband says one wife is difficult enough!

I am badly double-oppressed and in addition to that I have also a daughter. Little as she is, she learns every day more and more about The Force of Women United.  
In a few years time I shall be that desperate that I come to count on her brother to rescue me. (He now still thinks I am the one who can protect him…Thus are the happy innocent illusions of a child’s mind.)

But this thread made me happy, because it made me think about it that maybe I am in this precarious situation because of my own duality. Not full Arab, not full EU’er… It always worked confusing for my family (nobody ever asked how confusing it is for me) so I guess it is most certainly confusing for my wives. Maybe they are simply trying to find out - on an innocent female way - how far they can drive a EU-man while they are oppressing the Arab half of him. Who knows? I certainly wouldn’t dare to ask.

Salaam. A

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**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\
**Post date:** [December 2, 2004, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-your-child-be-allowed-to-date-someone-of-a-different-race-ethnicity-creed/277324/97 "2004-12-02T18:01:29Z")

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You all can call me bigoted if you like, but I truly don’t believe I’d allow any son of mine to date a lesbian.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\
**Post date:** [December 2, 2004, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-your-child-be-allowed-to-date-someone-of-a-different-race-ethnicity-creed/277324/98 "2004-12-02T18:08:34Z")

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> [@Siege](#):
>
> **Kalhoun** , I’m against the same things you listed, which is why I’m an Episcopalian Christian. I don’t have kids, nor am I likely to, but I’d have more of a problem with my neice or nephew dating someone who was an idiot of the same background as them than I would a reasonably intelligent person of a different background. I had my chance to date a nice, reasonably intelligent guy who even went to the same church I did. Hell, I did date him once and only once. I’ve also dated a self-professed “secular humanist” once. The reason I only dated him once has nothing to do with his religion and a lot to do with him being boring. I’d rather my nephew date an ethical Wiccan or atheist than an unethical Christian.
> 
> On the other hand, my mother gave me much the same speech **WhyNot** ’s did, and she does have a point. When I was involved with my church’s Diocesan Commission on Racism, I heard stories about interracial couples facing predjudice in church. (Changing that prejudice is one reason I joined the commission; my bishop’s own prejudice is the reason I resigned from it.) On the other hand, if I refuse to date someone just because of how others will respond to him, then I am the one being prejudiced, and that’s one vice I have no desire to try.
> 
> By the way, since the topic of sexism was just raised, if it’s not a hijack **Scylla, xtisme** , you’ve talked about men trying to date your daughters; why nothing about women trying to date your sons, if any?
> 
> CJ

See? I knew the ones I don’t have a problem with would understand what I was talking about! Thanks for helping to clarify it to others.

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**Author:** ![Angua](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8baadc/32.png) [@Angua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Angua)\
**Post date:** [December 2, 2004, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-your-child-be-allowed-to-date-someone-of-a-different-race-ethnicity-creed/277324/99 "2004-12-02T18:16:28Z")

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> [@Enderw24](#):
>
> You all can call me bigoted if you like, but I truly don’t believe I’d allow any son of mine to date a lesbian.

Yeah, well, as if the lesbian’d have him.

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**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\
**Post date:** [December 2, 2004, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-your-child-be-allowed-to-date-someone-of-a-different-race-ethnicity-creed/277324/100 "2004-12-02T19:42:18Z")

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> [@roger thornhill](#):
>
> The current trend is for single Chinese men - granted, often returnees from studies abroad, but Asian nonetheless - to date anglo women.
> 
> The passport may have something to do with it on the man’s side, but the women’s motivation is more interesting. Could be the image of the kind and gentle Asian, which seems to be undergoing something of a renaissance. Cynics suggest it’s more of a wallet thing.

Ultracynics might comment that cultures of patriarchy are coming back into fashion. But until white women begin binding their feet I’d say there’s little cause for concern. 🙂

FWIW, I was in Vancouver 2 summers ago (home to a large and highly influential Chinese population), and I noticed Asian-female/non-Asian-male mixed couples much more often than vice versa.

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