# Wouldn't you make a casserole for a young grieving person? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 21, 2009, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wouldnt-you-make-a-casserole-for-a-young-grieving-person/503775 "2009-07-21T20:40:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2009, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wouldnt-you-make-a-casserole-for-a-young-grieving-person/503775/1 "2009-07-21T20:40:29Z")
My boyfriend’s business partner (a friend of both of us) just lost his grandmother after a fairly lengthy illness. (Now, I thought it was the grandmother he was really close to, and it wasn’t, so this isn’t as big a deal as I thought when I started thinking casserole, because he wasn’t at the hospital night and day and really torn up like he will be when the other one dies. But still, I want opinions on the basic concept.) This is a single guy in his mid-20’s, in his own apartment. I thought I should bring over a casserole or some homemade bread or something, because I was raised that that’s what you do. I figured it would be especially appreciated since probably all the food is going to his parents instead of him, and that people might not be thinking about how he has to keep the shop open and everything _and_ be in all that planning stuff, etc. So I texted the boyfriend to ask if he had any opinions on what I should make, and he called me back to say, no, that’s weird, it would make the guy uncomfortable, he isn’t involved in the planning and he doesn’t have kids, we should just take him out to dinner or something, that’s what normal people our age do. Now, the point of giving people food is that they might not _feel_ like going out, right? And they can freeze it, that’s why you do casseroles. I mean, you _also_ try to get them to go out with you, but you really bring food because 1) people will be coming over (which does not apply in this case, true) and 2) they’re tired, they’re upset, they shouldn’t have to do things. So, do people in their 20’s not bring over casseroles when other people in their 20’s lose family members? Am I full of crazy? Because my parents are a lot older than most people’s parents, and I do sometimes do things that I only find out later are kind of old-fashioned, and sometimes that might make somebody uncomfortable and that’s the last thing I’d want to do. ETA - he did say I was allowed to send flowers from us. So evidently that’s okay. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Baal\_Houtham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/baal_houtham/32/13604_2.png) [@Baal\_Houtham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baal_Houtham)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2009, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wouldnt-you-make-a-casserole-for-a-young-grieving-person/503775/2 "2009-07-21T20:49:31Z")
Bringing food to people who have had a death in the family is a wonderful custom. If some youngster thinks it’s odd, well… they need to be indoctrinated into the ritual. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2009, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wouldnt-you-make-a-casserole-for-a-young-grieving-person/503775/3 "2009-07-21T20:51:34Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > Wouldn’t you make a casserole for a young grieving person? No, I would bring pie. ---
**Author:** ![Rebo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rebo/32/13005_2.png) [@Rebo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rebo)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2009, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wouldnt-you-make-a-casserole-for-a-young-grieving-person/503775/4 "2009-07-21T20:52:23Z")
Your boyfriend must not be from the south. Bless his heart. He must learn the rituals… 😛 And you are very sweet to think of it. ETA: Pie is good, too! ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2009, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wouldnt-you-make-a-casserole-for-a-young-grieving-person/503775/5 "2009-07-21T20:52:37Z")
For a single man in his 20’s I would make him something but not a casserole. Make him some banana bread or muffins or something else breakfast-like that he doesn’t have to worry about heating up in any way. Many single men hate that and often will eat condensed soup or vegetables or whatever straight out of the can to avoid anything at all like cooking. Better to bring him something that doesn’t require the oven. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2009, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wouldnt-you-make-a-casserole-for-a-young-grieving-person/503775/6 "2009-07-21T20:54:47Z")
> [@Rebo](#): > > Your boyfriend must not be from the south. Bless his heart. He must learn the rituals… 😛 > > And you are very sweet to think of it. > > ETA: Pie is good, too! His mama is from Luray, South Carolina. Just take a moment to say that. Luray. It’s exactly like you’d imagine. 🙂 Granted, his father is from New York, but I think they bring funeral food up there too, don’t they? However, he’s a boy. They don’t teach boys this stuff, I don’t think. Funerals are still, you know, kind of a women’s work thing. The cooking, the notes, flowers, etc. ---
**Author:** ![Picard\_Kills\_Kirk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/dec6dc/32.png) [@Picard\_Kills\_Kirk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Picard_Kills_Kirk)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2009, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wouldnt-you-make-a-casserole-for-a-young-grieving-person/503775/7 "2009-07-21T20:56:31Z")
23 year old male here. If someone brought me a casserole after such an occasion, I would think “Wow, this person must care a lot about me. Thank god I have such good friends who will be there to help me out when I need them most.” If you know him well enough (outside of your boyfriend’s friendship), maybe you could ask him if he’d like to come over for a warm meal with you and your boyfriend, or if he would like you guys to bring one to him. ---
**Author:** ![Student\_Driver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3da27b/32.png) [@Student\_Driver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Student_Driver)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2009, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wouldnt-you-make-a-casserole-for-a-young-grieving-person/503775/8 "2009-07-21T20:57:07Z")
Casserole was what older folks at our church brought over in the 1970s and 1980s when there was a death in the family. I’d _get it_ if someone brought me casserole because of a death in the family, certainly wouldn’t be ticked at it, and would appreciate the sentiment behind the gesture, but I’d think it was a bit anachronistic. Food in general is appreciated, so if it was prefaced with “I know you’re probably not in the mood to cook, or don’t have the time, so we brought you some food…” I doubt he’d mind. Unless he hates casserole. How about a big pan of lasagna? (The bread idea sounds nice, especially if you throw in some sweet quickbreads…) A couple of other thoughts: are you sure the guy is grieving? Sounds cold, but he may not be terribly devastated, and an obvious show of concern with a big dish of food might be a bit weird if he’s not particularly troubled. And as an aside, one of the nicest things that happened with the older church folks who’d step in when my family had problems didn’t involve food… it involved house cleaning. For someone in grief, having energy to keep house is as difficult as having energy to make food, sometimes, and the house can start to go downhill, which can exacerbate feeling down. My mom was doing bad after one death, so a couple of church folks dragged her out to a restaurant, and another group and I pitched in and vigorously cleaned the house from top to bottom in the span of a couple of hours-- did laundry, dishes, scrubbed, dusted, etc. A nice gesture, and not a speck of casserole harmed in the process. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2009, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wouldnt-you-make-a-casserole-for-a-young-grieving-person/503775/9 "2009-07-21T20:58:11Z")
> [@Picard\_Kills\_Kirk](#): > > 23 year old male here. If someone brought me a casserole after such an occasion, I would think “Wow, this person must care a lot about me. Thank god I have such good friends who will be there to help me out when I need them most.” > > If you know him well enough (outside of your boyfriend’s friendship), maybe you could ask him if he’d like to come over for a warm meal with you and your boyfriend, or if he would like you guys to bring one to him. He’s really more of my boyfriend’s friend. I mean, you know, the kind of guy who if he’s there and your boyfriend isn’t you’d sit and talk to for a bit, but you wouldn’t call him up and ask if he wanted to go to a movie or something. I pretty much interact with him through Aaron. Muffins do sound like a pretty good idea, or my pumpkin bread. (Thing is, I’ve had a bitch of a time finding canned pumpkin most of the year lately. Used to be easy.) ---
**Author:** ![tumbleddown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9bcb4/32.png) [@tumbleddown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tumbleddown)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2009, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wouldnt-you-make-a-casserole-for-a-young-grieving-person/503775/10 "2009-07-21T21:01:13Z")
I say the boy doesn’t know from _proper_ bereavement custom and that something (maybe not a _casserole_ unless it’s baked ziti or something you know the guy actually likes) should be taken. He’ll be going back to his place when he’s not at his parents – where the main food will be – and should have something good to eat there, too. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2009, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wouldnt-you-make-a-casserole-for-a-young-grieving-person/503775/11 "2009-07-21T21:02:03Z")
I was actually going to do baked ziti - I said “casserole” because I hadn’t decided yet and I was trying to indicate “freezable dish of something meant to be eaten hot”. ---
**Author:** ![Casserole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b77776/32.png) [@Casserole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Casserole)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2009, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wouldnt-you-make-a-casserole-for-a-young-grieving-person/503775/12 "2009-07-21T21:02:13Z")
I think Casserole is a wonderful idea. (Can you tell?) Now, in my experience, I’ve never given (or been given) any type of foodstuffs after a loss, but placing myself in the family’s shoes, it would most certainly be appreciated. It sounds like a wonderful custom to keep alive. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2009, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wouldnt-you-make-a-casserole-for-a-young-grieving-person/503775/13 "2009-07-21T21:07:14Z")
I took dinner over for a friend of ours the first day she went back to work at the family business after her dad died. She’s the one who does pretty much all the cooking in the house, and I figured a)she wouldn’t want to do much of anything but crawl in bed and cry some more when she got home and b) it wouldn’t occur to her husband or teenage kids to tend to supper. It wasn’t a casserole, just all the stuff for a ham and lentil stew ready for the crockpot and some crusty bread. Nobody seemed to think it was weird or anything, but we’re all in our mid-30’s so that might have something to do with it. ---
**Author:** ![Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e56c9b/32.png) [@Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harriet_the_Spry)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2009, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wouldnt-you-make-a-casserole-for-a-young-grieving-person/503775/14 "2009-07-21T21:12:41Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > Am I full of crazy? No, you’re full of Southern :). ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2009, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wouldnt-you-make-a-casserole-for-a-young-grieving-person/503775/15 "2009-07-21T21:13:20Z")
I guess I don’t see the root reason for the custom. Is it thought that a grieving person is unable to feed themselves without help due to extreme grief? ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2009, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wouldnt-you-make-a-casserole-for-a-young-grieving-person/503775/16 "2009-07-21T21:16:24Z")
> [@Musicat](#): > > I guess I don’t see the root reason for the custom. Is it thought that a grieving person is unable to feed themselves without help due to extreme grief? Well, partly it’s because often a billion people are going to be coming to your house and you are not going to want to be feeding them. And yes, because they’ll be a) sad, and b) busy. When somebody is not yet dead and in the hospital, you’ll be spending a lot of time over there and won’t have the time or inclination to cook, but yet especially if you have kids you still gotta eat. After they die, you’ve got to do all those arrangements, stand around at the viewing, etc. - it’s exhausting, it takes a lot of time, and you just don’t feel like cooking, probably. Also, the Southern response in a crisis is to make some food, people gotta eat after all. I believe the British ladies make tea. ETA - when my dad had his second heart attack, we had so much food we started surreptitiously giving it away. When somebody is in the ICU, and the other parent is there with them, and there is an eleven year old girl in the house, yes. People bring food. ---
**Author:** ![Le\_Ministre\_de\_l\_au-dela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/le_ministre_de_l_au-dela/32/12181_2.png) [@Le\_Ministre\_de\_l\_au-dela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Le_Ministre_de_l_au-dela)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2009, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wouldnt-you-make-a-casserole-for-a-young-grieving-person/503775/17 "2009-07-21T21:19:30Z")
Nothing weird about that at all -this isn’t just a Southern custom; here in Canada, we do that all the time, for births and deaths. It’s a wonderful way to connect families, and it shows folks that the community is still there for them, even when their family is suddenly too busy to turn around or grieving. Having him over for dinner isn’t the same - that’s more like a social obligation. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2009, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wouldnt-you-make-a-casserole-for-a-young-grieving-person/503775/18 "2009-07-21T21:40:06Z")
While I understand the custom (my fridge was stuffed with food for days after my dad died when I was in my teens), it does seem a bit weird in this case. – He wasn’t particularly close to the grandmother. – He’s not involved in the planning at all. – No one is coming to his house. – He has no one else to neglect in his time of grief that might need the food. It’s a nice gesture, but I don’t really see the point in this case. ---
**Author:** ![Eva\_Luna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e495f1/32.png) [@Eva\_Luna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eva_Luna)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2009, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wouldnt-you-make-a-casserole-for-a-young-grieving-person/503775/19 "2009-07-21T21:58:34Z")
I would bring something, but not necessarily a casserole. Maybe something freezable in small portions, like a nice hearty bean soup or chili or something. It depends how well you know what he likes. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2009, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wouldnt-you-make-a-casserole-for-a-young-grieving-person/503775/20 "2009-07-21T22:00:07Z")
I am very much Southern but I live in the Boston suburbs. After my middle daughter passed away as an infant from a rare disease, our church had a coordinated plan to provide all meals for over a month as well as clean the house and take care of the yard plus anything else we wished. It was very much appreciated and helpful although some of the food was a little heavy for our style. It isn’t just a Southern custom but it is probably more common in the South. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wouldnt-you-make-a-casserole-for-a-young-grieving-person/503775.md?page=2)