# Write Your Book-a-Minute Summarization Here! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 8, 2003, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643 "2003-02-08T03:23:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Torgo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@Torgo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Torgo)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/1 "2003-02-08T03:23:36Z")
Inspired by the Book-A-Minute site ([http://rinkworks.com/bookaminute/sff.shtml](http://rinkworks.com/bookaminute/sff.shtml)), I’d thought it would be a smashing idea to do _our own humorous summaries of our favorite books!_ **THE BLACK DAHLIA by James Ellroy** **Bucky Bleichert** I am obsessed with Elizabeth Short’s grisly murder. **Lee Blanchard** As am I, plus we’re in love with the same woman. _(Dies)_ **Bucky Bleichert** Too bad, you were nice. Now I have to descend into hellish journey through the underbelly of post-war Hollywood, to the core of the dead girl’s twisted life, past the extremes of our own psyches–into a region of total madness. _(He finds the murderer but CAN’T tell anyone.)_ **The End** ---
**Author:** ![Torgo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@Torgo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Torgo)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/2 "2003-02-08T03:49:17Z")
**THE LEFT HAND OF DARKNESS by Ursula LeGuin** **Ai** What a strange, androgynous planet this is. Estraven, you are my only friend here. **Estraven** I’ll always be on your side. No I won’t. Piss off. \*(Estraven is BANISHED. Ai is IMPRISONED. He ESCAPES with the help of Estraven. Everything is really FUCKING COLD.)[/i} **Ai** I guess I misunderstood your ways. **Estraven** Yup. **Ursula LeGuin** Men are silly. **THE END** ---
**Author:** ![Nithy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@Nithy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nithy)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/3 "2003-02-08T03:51:55Z")
Lord of the Rings: Frodo: This ring is bad. It should be destroyed. Aragorn: I’m going to be king. (Many dramatic battles and inner struggles) Frodo: The ring was destroyed. Aragorn: Now I’m king. ---
**Author:** ![Terrifel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c68b51/32.png) [@Terrifel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terrifel)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/4 "2003-02-08T04:20:13Z")
Crap! I already posted on your other fricking thread! Oh well. Two can play at that game,\*\* Torgo\*\* old bean. You double up on the threads, I’ll simply…quote myself! Incestuous, perhaps, but I didn’t type all that crap just to watch it sink out of sight instantly. Ahem: > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Terrifel on the other fricking thread:_ > \*\*The Complete Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle > > LESTRADE: The police are baffled, Holmes. > > HOLMES: Elementary, Watson. > > WATSON: Brilliant, Holmes! > > THE END > Waldo by Robert A. Heinlein > > WALDO: I’m sick and fat, so I’m mean. > > AMISH GUY: Here’s some magic. > > WALDO: Oh, I’m cured! I guess I’ll be nice. > > THE END > A double-shot of Stephen King: > > Pet Sematary > > JUD: Don’t bury a person up there, Louis. > > (He does, and everybody dies.) > > THE END > FIRESTARTER > > ANDY: Don’t set fires, Charlie. > > GOVERNMENT: No, it’s okay for you to set fires. > > (She does, and everybody dies.) > > THE END > Which Way books by various authors > > Turn to PAGE 32. > > THE END \*\* And one to grow on: The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain HUCK: I’ll run away and help Jim to freedom. (Some time later…) TOM: Turns out he was already free. Cool, huh? JIM: Thanks a load. THE END _…frickin’ double thread rassa frassa…_ ---
**Author:** ![SolGrundy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bbce88/32.png) [@SolGrundy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SolGrundy)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/5 "2003-02-08T05:34:56Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted (twice) by Terrifel_ > \*\*Which Way books by various authors > > Turn to PAGE 32. > > THE END\*\* Tee-hee. 😃 _The Amazing Adventures of Kavlier and Clay_ by Michael Chabon (SPOILERS, I guess…) KAVALIER: I don’t like Nazis! CLAY: I don’t like women! Let’s make comic books together! [_years pass_] KAVALIER: I’m going to kill Nazis. Marry my girlfriend for me. CLAY: Will do. [_years pass_] KAVALIER: I’m back. CLAY: Here she is. See ya! THE END. KAVALIER: Wait, I thought this was supposed to be about comic books? CHABON: I got distracted. ---
**Author:** ![beegirl13](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/848f3c/32.png) [@beegirl13](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beegirl13)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/6 "2003-02-08T05:47:39Z")
For all you Diana Gabaldon fans (_Outlander_ series) out there, here’s a great link to her books-in-a-minute from a message board devoted to the series. They are hilarious! [http://www.lallybroch.com/LOL/booksiam.html](http://www.lallybroch.com/LOL/booksiam.html) ---
**Author:** ![Drastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Drastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drastic)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 6:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/7 "2003-02-08T06:02:19Z")
_Nine Princes in Amber_, by Roger Zelazny. CORWIN: Hi. I lost my memory. Please don’t notice. RANDOM: Ok. Wanna go to Amber? CORWIN: Um…yes? (they SHADOW-WALK. CORWIN walks THE PATTERN in REBMA) CORWIN: I have my memory back! Let’s form an army and attack! BLEYS: Okay. (they DO, and LOSE) ERIC: Burn out his eyes! CORWIN: Ouch! DWORKIN: Hi. CORWIN: Hey, my eyes are back! Dworkin, draw me an escape!! (he DOES. Corwin ESCAPES.) ---
**Author:** ![jeanster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9fc348/32.png) [@jeanster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jeanster)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/8 "2003-02-08T06:16:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Nithy \* > \*\*Lord of the Rings: > > Frodo: > This ring is bad. It should be destroyed. > Aragorn: > I’m going to be king. > (Many dramatic battles and inner struggles) > Frodo: > The ring was destroyed. > Aragorn: > Now I’m king. \*\* I read this and laughed, then glanced over to see who posted it. Might have known. Another great one, Nithy! Thanks. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Lissa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@Lissa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissa)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 7:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/9 "2003-02-08T07:12:13Z")
\*\* 1984 \*\* Winston: “I hate Big Brother.” Julia: “Me too! Let’s have sex!” Thought Police: “Gotcha!” (Off to Room 101 for tourtre and brainwashing.) Winston: “I love Big Brother!” \*\* Brave New World \*\* Bernard: “I’m short and ugly and pissed about it.” Lenina: “I’m happy with casual sex and soma!” Savage: “This place sucks!” (Savage commits suicide.) \*\* Interview With The Vampire \*\* Louis: \* “(Whine!) I hate being a vampire!” Lestat: “I think it’s fun! Let’s have a baby!” Claudia: “I hate Lestat.” (Claudia dies) (Lestat is injured) Louis: “(Whine!) I hate being a vampire!” \*\* Gone With the Wind \*\* Scarlett: “I love you, Ashley!” Ashley: “Sorry 'bout that. I love Melanie.” Scarlett: “Fiddle Dee Dee!” (War breaks out. Tara is trashed.) Rhett: “I love you, Scarlett!” Scarlett: “Fiddle Dee Dee! I love Ashley!” (Melanie dies.) Scarlett: “Oh my gosh! I love Rhett, not Ashley!” Rhett: “Sorry 'bout that. I don’t give a damn.” Scarlett: “Fiddle Dee Dee!” ---
**Author:** ![SnugTheJoiner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@SnugTheJoiner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnugTheJoiner)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 7:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/10 "2003-02-08T07:34:14Z")
OEDIPUS TYRRANOS by Sophocles OEDIPUS: Hi. This is my wife. MESSENGER: Uh . . . that’s your mom. OEDIPUS: Oh no! (Puts out his eyes) OEDIPUS: Does that make things better? PEOPLE OF THEBES: Not really, no. Get out of here. LYSISTRATA by Aristophanes MEN OF ATHENS: We’re off to war! LYSISTRATA: No sex until it’s over. MEN OF ATHENS: Okay, we’ll stop. LYSISTRATA: That was easy. PARADISE LOST by John Milton GOD: Whatever you do, don’t eat that. SATAN: Oh, go ahead. EVE: Crunch. ADAM: Chomp. GOD: Hit the road, you two. SATAN: Snicker. OTHELLO by William Shakespeare IAGO: Your wife’s sleeping around. OTHELLO: I’ll kill her! (He does.) IAGO: Just kidding! The last third of ULYSSES by James Joyce: MOLLY BLOOM: Boy, I’ve got a dirty mind. ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 8:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/11 "2003-02-08T08:03:03Z")
Ghost: Avenge me! Hamlet: What? Ghost: Avenge me! Hamlet: Maybe. Claudius: It’s good to be the king Hamlet: ::brood:: Gertrude: Did you say something dear? Hamlet: Only to myself. Rosencrantz & Guildenstern: Life in a box is better than no life at all, I expect. Hamlet: Wrong play Rosencrantz & Guildenstern: oh, sorry. Hamlet: To be or not to be… Rosencrantz & Guildenstern: Not to be Ophelia: Not to be Fortinbras: Have I been cut out again? Laertes: Not to be Gertrude: Not to be Polonius: Not to be Yorick: Definitely not to be Hamlet: Give me some more time to decide…oh wait, poison. Righty oh. Not to be. Curtain. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 8:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/12 "2003-02-08T08:21:20Z")
KINNISON: Gosh, gee! I now have this swell glowing wristwatch that gives me psychic powers. CHIEF: We’re also promoting you to super duper answer-to-no-one rank. ARISIANS: And giving you **more** psychic powers. KINNISON: Good thing I’m not a woman, or I’d never have gotten any of this stuff! SPACE PIRATE: I’m evil! You’re in my clutches! KINNISON: I’ve escaped by hypnotizing a spider! Now, take _that_, space pirate! And as the slugs tore through and through his body, that was THE END! ---
**Author:** ![SolGrundy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bbce88/32.png) [@SolGrundy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SolGrundy)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 9:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/13 "2003-02-08T09:00:49Z")
[danielu@microsoft.com](mailto:danielu@microsoft.com): I work at Microsoft. I am a disaffected symbol of my generation. CO-WORKERS: We’re going to leave Douglas Coupland’s two-weeks-of-research version of Redmond and start a company in Douglas Coupland’s two-months-of-research version of Cupertino. DANIEL: I’m in. [_later_] DANIEL: All this work and yet I am no closer to learning more about The Human Condition. KARLA: Your mother has had a stroke. She can communicate only through this Macintosh computer. MOM: **i am here** DANIEL: Truly we have learned that computers are simply tools for helping us understand one another. ---
**Author:** ![Lissa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@Lissa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissa)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/14 "2003-02-08T18:03:47Z")
\*\*It \*\* By Stephen King Bill: “There’s a monster killing little kids. Let’s kill it!” Six other friends: “Okay!” (Monster is felled by slingshot. Kids rejoice.) (Twenty-eight years later) Mike: “Oh, shit, it isn’t dead after all. Guys, get back here and finish the job!” Remaining friends: “Okay!” (Monster is felled by slingshot. Everybody goes home.) \*\* Guns, Germs, and Steel \*\* By Jared Diamond The Europeans had guns, germs and steel. The natives did not, so the Europeans won. \*\* Cosmos \*\* By Carl Sagan There’s a lot of cool shit in space. Check out the pictures! \*\* Memoirs of a Geisha \*\* by Arthur Golden Sayuri: “I don’t want to be a geisha. Hey, look at that guy! I changed my mind!” Mahema: “I’ll help you.” Hatsumomo: “I’ll try to destory you, but will fall victim to my own corruption and evil.” WW II breaks out. Sayuri gets her man. \*\* Animal Farm \*\* By George Orwell Animals: “Two legs bad, four legs good. But birds are okay, too.” Revolution! Pigs: “Let’s symbolize the corruption of the Marxist ideal by taking power and keeping all of the other animals hungry while we live in luxury!” Animals: “Well, we may be hungry and overworked, but at least it’s better than it was under the tyranny of the farmer!” Or is it? ---
**Author:** ![Splanky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b2d939/32.png) [@Splanky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Splanky)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/15 "2003-02-08T18:30:29Z")
**Of Mice and Men** GEORGE: Lenny, lets work on this farm. LENNY: Okay. [Works on farm] LENNY: George, I killed this girl GEORGE: Oh, that’s okay. [George kills Lenny] ---
**Author:** ![TJdude825](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dec6dc/32.png) [@TJdude825](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TJdude825)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/16 "2003-02-08T18:41:40Z")
**The Giver** by Lois Lowry Jonas: I’m about to be a Twelve (with a capital T!) Elders: And you’ll have a strange job. Jonas: Huh? Elders: You were not assigned, you were selected. Jonas: Huh? Elders: You are the new Receiver (with a capital R!) Jonas: Huh? Giver: Look Jonas, colors, feelings, happiness, death, the world! Jonas: Wow! _(Jonas and Gabe run away)_ Lois Lowry: But you don’t really know how it ends, do you? Reader: No, it’s quite ambiguous. ---
**Author:** ![robertliguori](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/46a35a/32.png) [@robertliguori](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robertliguori)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/17 "2003-02-08T19:04:19Z")
The Dark Elf Dodecology Drizzt’s family: Hah! I have a new and original plan for killing Drizzt! I will attack him! [Drizzt’s family is killed] Akar Kessel: Hah! I have a new and original plan for killing Drizzt! I will attack him! [Akar Kessel is killed] Artemis Enteri: Hah! I have a new and original plan for killing Drizzt! I will attack him! [Artemis Enteri is defeated] Misc. Drow: Hah! I have a new and original plan for killing Drizzt! I will attack him! [Drow are defeated] Balor: Hah! I have a new and original plan for killing Drizzt! I will attack him! [Balor is defeated] 1000 orcs: Hah! We have a- [Drizzt kills orcs out of boredom] 1000 orcs ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/18 "2003-02-08T20:08:43Z")
I stole this one from Just Shoot Me: **Angela’s Ashes** We’re hungry! Dad’s drunk! We’re hungry! Dad’s drunk! My own: **Left Behind** The Rapture is here! We are saved! Hey, wait a minute! Why am I still on Earth!? **Bridget Jones Diary** Bridget:This is what I ate. This is what I smoked. Everybody I know is stupid. I wanna screw my boss. Everyone Bridget knows: Aren’t I a cute bundle of flaws and nerosis? Bridget’s Boss: Aren’t I a jerk? Bridget: Give me some cake, a beer, a few fags and a lottery ticket. **Bridges of Madison County** Her: I’m middle aged. Him: Me too. Her: Wanna screw? Him: Sure, but I gotta go and you gotta stay. Her: O.K… ---
**Author:** ![Katisha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bcef8e/32.png) [@Katisha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Katisha)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/19 "2003-02-08T21:28:12Z")
**Tamburlaine, Part I** _by Christopher Marlowe_ RANDOM MIDDLE-EASTERN POTENTATE: I’m going to crush that upstart Tamburlaine! He is but a lowly shepherd! TAMBURLAINE: Hey, underling, help me to overthrow your monarch and I’ll give you lots of booty! UNDERLING: Will do! TAMBURLAINE: Behold, I am the mighty Tamburlaine, and I’ve come to kick your butt! RANDOM MIDDLE-EASTERN POTENTATE: Alas! I have been defeated by Tamburlaine! TAMBURLAINE: Go me. (_Repeat ad nauseam._) ---
**Author:** ![Mahaloth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mahaloth/32/1079_2.png) [@Mahaloth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahaloth)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/20 "2003-02-08T22:22:48Z")
Brothers Karamazov Alexei: I’m good Ivan: I’m bad Dmitri: I’m both Smerdyokov: I’m epileptic Fyodor(their father): I’m really bad and obnoxious (Fyodor dies) Alexei: I know it’s not me, but it could be either Ivan or Dmitri. Ivan: Oh, it’s Smerdyokov, but I implied he should do it and am responsible as well. Dmitri: I wish I wasn’t in prison. Alexei: Yeah, me too. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643.md?page=2)