# Write Your Book-a-Minute Summarization Here! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 8, 2003, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643 "2003-02-08T03:23:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Mahaloth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mahaloth/32/1079_2.png) [@Mahaloth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahaloth)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/21 "2003-02-08T22:30:46Z")
War and Peace: Napolean: Hmmm…I’m going to conquer the world Pierre: I’m lazy and fat, but rich. Andrei: War could make me a hero. Pierre: Oh, I’m a coward too and nearly killed a man. Better run off and find myself involved with world affairs. Andrei: War really doesn’t make you a hero. Napolean: Seriously, I’m coming for you, Russia. All of Moscow: Let’s ditch this joint. Pierre: I’m going to kill Napolean…or help save the day. Andrei: Crap, I’m dying. I hope my son turns out okay. His son: I will, for I want to be a man who makes you proud! Tolstoy: Why does anything happen? I don’t know and neither does anyone. The End. ---
**Author:** ![Mahaloth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mahaloth/32/1079_2.png) [@Mahaloth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahaloth)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/22 "2003-02-08T22:39:52Z")
A Farewell to Arms, by Ernest Hemingway: Frederick: I like driving an ambulance in the war. (explosion) Frederick: I \*liked driving an abulance in the war. Now I’m really hurt. Catherine: I can make you feel better all over…including your leg. Frederick: Falling in love? Me? I love you, Catherine. Catherine: I love you, Frederick. (they do it and live together) Catherine: I’m pregnant. Frederick: Sweet. Catherine: Whoa, this is one serious pregnancy. I’m not going to make it. (she dies) Frederick: No! At least I have the baby, though. Ernest Hemingway: Not so fast there, Freddy. (baby dies) Frederick: No! It rains. The end. ---
**Author:** ![Kantalooppi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a5b964/32.png) [@Kantalooppi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kantalooppi)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/23 "2003-02-08T22:50:20Z")
Harry Turtledove’s “American Empire” series: EVERYONE WHO DIDN’T GET KILLED IN GREAT WAR: Gosh, now that the war’s over, it’s even harder to distinguish us from one another. JAKE FEATHERSTON: Achtung! Achtung! ---
**Author:** ![Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c68b51/32.png) [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/24 "2003-02-08T23:12:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Nithy \* > \*\*Lord of the Rings: > > Frodo: > This ring is bad. It should be destroyed. > Aragorn: > I’m going to be king. > (Many dramatic battles and inner struggles) > Frodo: > The ring was destroyed. > Aragorn: > Now I’m king. \*\* No, no, _no_. **Lord of the Rings** A bunch of characters get obcessed with a piece of costume jewlery that they are all sure accesorizes their outfit. Mostly bad people die to get it, good wins in the end, and a victory for fashion is made. ---
**Author:** ![Lissa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@Lissa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissa)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/25 "2003-02-08T23:13:14Z")
\*\* The Autobiography of King Henry VII\*\* By Margaret George - I’m Henry the Eighth, I am, Henry the Eighth, I am, I am. I got married to the widow next door, I’ve been married FIVE TIMES before! Killed two of them for cheatin’ on me I ditched one as ugly as can be. Had a kid but it made one dead, Broke with the Pope to get Anne in bed! Killed a couple advisors and some pesky relatives, Ev’rybody hates me and I’m wonderin’ what gives? Now, I’m sick and cranky and weigh a metric ton, Now I’ll kick the bucket, but at least I had a son. \*\* Memoirs of Cleopatra \*\* By Margaret George Cleopatra: Rome is an inch away from invading. Who’s the boss? Ceasar? Oh, Ceasar, I love you! Ceasar: Well, you look like you know what you’re doing. You can remain queen. Wanna have sex? Cleopatra: And how! (Ceasar dies.) Cleopatra: “Well, shit! Who’s the boss now? Antony? Antony, I love you!” Antony: “Wanna have sex? Wanna go to war?” Cleopatra: “And how!” (They lose war.) Cleopatra: “Well, shit! Who’s the boss now? Octavian?” (Octavian isn’t interested in having sex.) Cleopatra: “Where’s my snake?” ---
**Author:** ![SnugTheJoiner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@SnugTheJoiner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnugTheJoiner)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/26 "2003-02-08T23:24:19Z")
THREE SISTERS by Anton Chekhov: IRINA: I wish we were in Moscow. OLGA: I hate my job. MASHA: My husband’s a doofus. Maybe I’ll have an affair. IRINA: I wish we were in Moscow. CHEBUTYKIN: Hey, Masha, your boyfriend got killed in a duel. MASHA: Oh, no! IRINA: I wish we were in Moscow. ---
**Author:** ![wolfman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a8b319/32.png) [@wolfman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfman)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/27 "2003-02-08T23:31:04Z")
The Stranger By Albert Camus Main Character: I’m wierd and detached and have no name. M.C. would you like to have sex instead of going to my mother’s funeral? Girl: Okay. M.C. I don’t like Arabs… Hey there’s one now, his friend is dating my sister. BANG BANG Prosecuter: This man is wierd and detached, and has no name, plus he had sex instead of going to his mother’s funeral, he should die. Prosecuter: Oh and he also killed an Arab. Jury: We think he should die too. Judge: Okay He’ll die. ---
**Author:** ![TVS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b782af/32.png) [@TVS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVS)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/28 "2003-02-08T23:52:45Z")
Where’s Waldo? Walking behind a mannequin in a red-and-white-striped-shirt store. Or some other ridiculous place. ---
**Author:** ![BuckleberryFerry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5f9b8f/32.png) [@BuckleberryFerry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BuckleberryFerry)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/29 "2003-02-09T00:00:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lissa \* > \*\*\*\* Interview With The Vampire \*\* > > Louis: \* “(Whine!) I hate being a vampire!” > Lestat: “I think it’s fun! Let’s have a baby!” > Claudia: “I hate Lestat.” > (Claudia dies) > (Lestat is injured) > Louis: “(Whine!) I hate being a vampire!”\*\* **ALL VampChron** Lestat: I’m so pretty! Someone ELSE: No, you’re a monster and you can’t change! Lestat: ::whines:: But I didn’t have a CHOICE! ::cries:: ---
**Author:** ![Treviathan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/838e76/32.png) [@Treviathan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Treviathan)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/30 "2003-02-09T00:38:36Z")
**Slaughterhouse Five** by Kurt Vonnegut Billy Pilgrim: I’ve become unstuck in time! The Tralfamadorians: People die all the time and none of their deaths mean anything. Billy Pilgrim: So it goes. Bird: Poo-tee-weet. **Naked Lunch** by William S. Burroughs Burroughs: I will depict prepubescent children having sex with half-men, half-monsters, and because I’m a stoner and it’s the 1960’s they will call it _art_. Subculture: Burroughs is a genius! Treviathan: Where’s my lighter? ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/31 "2003-02-09T00:43:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lissa \* > **I’m Henry the Eighth, I am, > Henry the Eighth, I am, I am.** He’s strong to the finach 'Cause he eats his spinach, He’s Henry the Eighth, He am! (toot toot!) ---
**Author:** ![Torgo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@Torgo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Torgo)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/32 "2003-02-09T01:00:48Z")
**TINKER, TAILOR, SOLDIER, SPY by John LeCarre** **George Smiley** I’m fat, old and retired and my wife cheats on me. Poo. **MI5** There’s a double agent in our ranks. We need you to find him but we can’t help you. **George Smiley** Okay. It’s this guy, the one my wife’s been screwing. I’m tired. I’m going home. **THE END** ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/33 "2003-02-09T02:08:08Z")
Baz Luhrman’s Romeo + Juliet **Romeo** Juliet, you’re hot. But our families would never approve. I’m going. **Juliet** I’ll pretend to kill myself. Be sure to tell Romeo, Friar Lawrence **Friar Lawrence** FedEx costs too much. I’ll send the message first class. **Romeo** Juliet’s dead. I’ll kill myself. **Juliet** I’m not dead. **Romeo** Oops. But we make pretty corpses, don’t we? Richard III\* **Richard** I’m Bad. **Other characters** Richard is Bad _Richard does bad things_ **Richard** I’m Bad. **Henry Tudor** Richard is bad. Let’s kill him. **Richard** Anyone have a horse? Trade you for it. _Dies_ **All** He was bad. Cyrano de Bergerac **Cyrano** I have a big nose, a quick wit, and a sword. And I love Roxanne. **Roxanne** I love Christian. Help him, Cyrano. **Christian** Hi, Cyano. You have a big nose. **Cyrano** What a dolt. I’ll help you woo Roxanne. _Christian dies. Many years pass._\* **Cyarno** It was me all along, Roxanne. Too bad my head’s been bashed in. _Dies_ \*Inspired by John-Allen Price. ---
**Author:** ![Torgo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@Torgo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Torgo)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/34 "2003-02-09T02:40:57Z")
**100 YEARS OF SOLITUDE by Gabriel Garcia Marquez** **Gabriel Garcia Marquez** Here’s a story with about a thousand characters, several hundred of which share the same name. **Reader** Marquez is God. **Reader** Wait…is this guy Jose’s son…or nephew? Maybe Aureliano’s grandson? Where’s the page with the family tree? The hell with this. **THE END** _from Tom the Dancing Bug:_ **THE RABBIT TETRALOGY by John Updike** **Rabbit** I’m bored. I’m leaving you. **Janice** _I’m_ bored. I’m leaving _you._ **Rabbit** Oh yeah? Well I–ah screw it. _(Dies)_ **THE END** ---
**Author:** ![Torgo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@Torgo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Torgo)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/35 "2003-02-09T02:51:16Z")
**WE WERE THE MULVANEYS by Joyce Carol Oates** **Dad** What a great family we have. **Marianne** I’ve been raped. **Mom** You’re outta here. **Dad** Glug, glug, glug. _(Dies)_ **Mulvaneys** Dad’s dead, now everything’s better. **Joyce Carol Oates** Eat toe fungus, men. **THE END** ---
**Author:** ![PigArcher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bcef8e/32.png) [@PigArcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PigArcher)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 6:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/36 "2003-02-09T06:29:33Z")
Sorry for the length… **East of Eden** _by John Steinbeck_ Steinbeck: The Civil War and a bunch of other stuff happens before the story really starts. Adam: I love you, Cathy. Cathy: Yeah, whatever. (Cathy sleeps with Adam’s brother) Adam: I love you so much. Let’s move to California. Cathy: I don’t want to move to California. Adam: Great! Let’s go. (Cathy sleeps with Adam’s brother) Steinbeck: It’s the 20th century now. A bunch of stuff happens. By the way, communism is bad. Lee: Welcome to California, I’m your Chinese manservant. I pretend I don’t speak English, but I really do. I represent ancient wisdom. Samuel: I’m your neighbor. I represent the spirit of American ingenuity and perseverance. Cathy: I’m pregnant. (Cathy has twin boys) Adam: I love you and our sons so much! Cathy: Whatever. I’m not even sure they’re yours. By the way, I’m leaving you to become the most notorious whore in the state. (Cathy shoots Adam) Adam: Ouch. Boo hoo hoo. I loved her so much. Boo hoo hoo. Steinbeck: 10 years pass. A bunch of unimportant stuff happens. Adam: Boo hoo hoo. I loved her so much. Boo hoo hoo. Samuel: I’m old and dying. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and be a father to your sons! Adam: Boo hoo hoo. Okay, I’m over it. I have sons? Aron: I’m the good son. Cal: I’m the bad son. Lee: I still represent ancient wisdom, but for some reason I’ve stopped pretending I don’t speak English. Do you want to smoke some opium and discuss theology? Cathy: I changed my name to Kate and became the most notorious whore in the state. And everyone knows that I’m your wife. Steinbeck: Some more unimportant stuff happens. World war I starts. Adam: I love you so much, Aron. You’re the good son. Aron: Yeah, whatever. Cal: I love you, father, and try really hard to make you happy. Adam: Yeah, whatever. You’re the bad son. Cal: Grr! Hey, Aron, did you know our mother is the most notorious whore in the state? Aron: I’m so ashamed. I’m going to join the army and get shipped overseas. (Aron dies in World War I) Kate: I’m the most notorious whore in the state. I made tons of money and have dirt on every important man in northern California, but somehow I’m still not happy. I guess I’ll kill myself. (Kate kills herself) Lee: Adam, Aron died and Kate killed herself. Adam: Boo hoo hoo. I loved them both so much. (Adam dies) Lee: Life sucks. I’m going to go smoke some opium. **The End** ---
**Author:** ![SnugTheJoiner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@SnugTheJoiner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnugTheJoiner)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 6:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/37 "2003-02-09T06:31:39Z")
(1) TIMON OF ATHENS by William Shakespeare TIMON: I love everybody! Here’s a wheelbarrow full of money for all of you! EVERYBODY: Yay! TIMON: Uh-oh; now I’m broke. EVERYBODY: Too bad. TIMON: I hate everybody! The End. (2) HAMLET, PRINCE OF DENMARK by William Shakespeare HAMLET: My life sucks. GHOST: Avenge me, Hamlet! HAMLET: Okay. Well, maybe not. No, I’ll do it! Well, maybe not. No, I will ! . . . Hey, how did everybody end up dead? The End. (3) THE FORTUNES & MISFORTUNES OF THE FAMOUS MOLL FLANDERS, WHO WAS BORN IN NEWGATE, AND DURING A LIFE OF CONTINUED VARIETY FOR THREESCORE YEARS, BESIDES HER CHILDHOOD, WAS TWELVE YEAR A WHORE, FIVE TIMES A WIFE (WHEREOF ONCE TO HER OWN BROTHER), TWELVE YEAR A THIEF, EIGHT YEAR A TRANSPORTED FELON IN VIRGINIA, AT LAST GREW RICH, LIVED HONEST & DIED A PENITENT: WRITTEN FROM HER OWN MEMORANDUMS by Daniel Defoe The End ---
**Author:** ![PigArcher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bcef8e/32.png) [@PigArcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PigArcher)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 7:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/38 "2003-02-09T07:01:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SnugTheJoiner \* > (3) THE FORTUNES & MISFORTUNES OF THE FAMOUS MOLL FLANDERS, WHO WAS BORN IN NEWGATE, AND DURING A LIFE OF CONTINUED VARIETY FOR THREESCORE YEARS, BESIDES HER CHILDHOOD, WAS TWELVE YEAR A WHORE, FIVE TIMES A WIFE (WHEREOF ONCE TO HER OWN BROTHER), TWELVE YEAR A THIEF, EIGHT YEAR A TRANSPORTED FELON IN VIRGINIA, AT LAST GREW RICH, LIVED HONEST & DIED A PENITENT: WRITTEN FROM HER OWN MEMORANDUMS by Daniel Defoe > > The End Ha! Let me add another along the same line… **I, Claudius : From the Autobiography of Tiberius Claudius, Born 10 B.C., Murdered and Deified A.D. 54** by Robert Graves **The End** ---
**Author:** ![Treviathan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/838e76/32.png) [@Treviathan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Treviathan)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 7:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/39 "2003-02-09T07:29:16Z")
**A Thousand Acres** by Jane Smiley Larry Cook: I am a symbol of oppressive patriarchy! I poison the female land! Cook my meals, woman! Ginny and Rose: We will usurp your traditional role and establish gender equality. Jane Smiley: Hmm…I don’t think my painfully simple gender politics are clear enough. Let’s make Larry a molester to boot. _(Ginny and Rose FAIL, because patriarchy is omnipresent. Rose DIES, and Ginny loses EVERYTHING.)_ William Shakespeare, in grave: Oy vey. _(rolls)_ ---
**Author:** ![Jeff\_Wilder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@Jeff\_Wilder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jeff_Wilder)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/40 "2003-02-09T15:57:22Z")
\Wonder Boys\ by Michael Chabon Grady Tripp: My name is Grady Tripp and I have writer’s block. This is James Leer. He is my student and housemate and he is obsessed with how famous movie stars died. Leer: Then I accidentally shot the dog belonging to the head of the English department and we hid the body in the trunk of a car. Sara: I am the wife of the English Department chaorman and I;ve been sleeping with Mr. Tripp. In fact, I’m Pregant. All: And that’s all we’ll say [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643.md?page=3)