# Write Your Book-a-Minute Summarization Here! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 8, 2003, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643 "2003-02-08T03:23:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Catamount](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/catamount/32/2840_2.png) [@Catamount](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catamount)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/62 "2003-02-12T21:53:31Z")
Beowulf, Part 1 HROTHGAR: Oh no, a monster is eating my people. BEOWULF: I will save the day! GRENDEL: Ouch, my arm! SCYLDINGS: Hooray! _(Grendel’s mother STEALS the arm and EATS drunk warriors.)_ HROTHGAR: Oh no! BEOWULF: I will save the day. _(Beowulf FIGHTS Grendel’s mother.)_ GRENDEL’S MOTHER: _dies_ HROTHGAR: Here, have some treasure Beowulf. SCYLDINGS: Hooray! ---
**Author:** ![Liberal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@Liberal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liberal)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2003, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/63 "2003-02-12T22:20:00Z")
**ATLAS SHRUGGED** **Dagney Taggert** : It’s all about me. **Hank Reardon** : It’s all about me. **John Galt** : It’s all about me. ---
**Author:** ![Already\_in\_Use](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a9adbd/32.png) [@Already\_in\_Use](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Already_in_Use)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/64 "2003-02-13T00:17:51Z")
_The Old Man and the Sea_ by Ernest Hemingway _Geezer kills fish._ HEMINGWAY: I’m getting paid by the word. CRITICS: He’s so terse! _Wuthering Heights_ by Emily Bronte CATHERINE: Heathcliff, I love you so much that I hate you. HEATHCLIFF: Catherine, I hate you so much that I love you. _A bunch of miserable stuff happens to a bunch of miserable people._ THE READER: Man, summer reading sucks. I wonder what’s on TV. ---
**Author:** ![bleach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bleach/32/3106_2.png) [@bleach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bleach)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 7:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/65 "2003-02-13T07:44:22Z")
**Fight Club** by Chuck Palahniuk Narrator: I am Jack’s need to buy Ikea furniture and go to support groups every night. Tyler: Too bad about your Ikea furniture getting blown up. You can move in with me at my soap factory, heh heh. Narrator: I am Jack’s paradigm shift. Tyler: Let’s make a club where guys fight. By the way, here’s how to make napalm, here’s how to create terrorist cells, here’s how to press the reset button on Western culture. Oh yeah, and don’t talk to that chick that I’m banging. Narrator: I am Jack’s uneasy feeling that things are getting out of hand. Tyler: So, you talked to that chick, huh? Well, too late because my plan worked perfectly and we can both watch society crumble as we bleed to death. THE END **Choke** by Chuck Palahniuk Victor: Ever since I dropped out of med school, my life has no meaning. Even pretending to be a sex addict isn’t all that great. And I don’t know what to make of my crazy mother. I know, I’ll pretend I’m choking at restaurants so that people will save me. Dude, come with me. Denny: Dude, free food? I’m there. Dr. Paige Marshall: Your mother is dying. I will try to get you to reconnect with her. In saving her, you will save yourself. Victor: Uh, okay. _LATER_ Victor: Dude, I figured it out, I’m Jesus and can perform miracles. And I’m in love with Dr. Paige Marshall. And my life makes perfect sense. My life has actual meaning! Denny: Dude, whatever, I’m working on my rock collection. Nurse: There’s something you should know about Dr. Paige Marshall… Victor: Everything I know is wrong. THE END **Kids Say The Darndest Things Books** by Art Linkletter Art Linkletter: [Innocuous Question] Random Kid: [Darndest Thing] THE END ---
**Author:** ![jmalin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/8edcca/32.png) [@jmalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jmalin)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/66 "2003-02-13T15:00:45Z")
The REAL War and Peace 1-Minute version It’s about Russia. (quoted in its entirety from Woody Allen, who claims he took an Evelyn Woods Reading Dynamics Course and then read all of War and Peace on an airplane from New York to Los Angeles) ============================ The Peloponnesian War by Thucydides The lacyrhomisanians [Spartans] said: We say this because of that and not because of this other thing or this other thing or this other thing so you should do this because of that and not this other thing. But the bicballpointisosians [Turks] and smalldustbunniesunderthebedians [Milwaukeeans] didn’t do this. So the Athenians said We say this because of that and not because of this other thing or this other thing or this other thing so you should do this because of that and not this other thing. So the webfootians [Athenian allies] and bigtitians [Spartan allies] went to war. Then a plague hit the bronxzooians [Athenians]. Spyrocetos [Pericles] died. The bronxzooians lost. The fools. ---
**Author:** ![ForgottenLore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5e9695/32.png) [@ForgottenLore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ForgottenLore)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/67 "2003-02-13T15:11:01Z")
**The Caves of Steel** by Isaac Asimov Elijah: I hate and distrust all robots Daneel: I am a robot that looks just like a man. Elijah: You are my best friend. **The Naked Sun** by Isaac Asimov Elijah: I hate being outdoors. Daneel: I am a robot that looks just like a man. Elijah: You are my best friend. **The Robots of Dawn** by Isaac Asimov Elijah: I’m in denial about my attraction to Gladia. Daneel: I am a robot that looks just like a man. Elijah: You are my best friend. **Robots and Empire** by Isaac Asimov Elijah: I’m incredibly old and decrepit. (Elijah dies) Daneel: He was my best friend. ---
**Author:** ![Bomzaway](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e480ec/32.png) [@Bomzaway](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bomzaway)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/68 "2003-02-13T15:21:35Z")
**The Hobbit** by J.R.R. Tolkein Gandalf and the Dwarves: Come with us!! Bilbo: No, thank you. I can’t right now. I have scones baking, you see? Gandalf and the Dwarves: Come with us!! _He goes, lots of stuff happens and Bilbo finds a ring that makes him invisible. He uses it to kill a dragon who, judging by his name, is the root cause for air pollution._ Bilbo: I’m going home to write a book now. Gandalf: I’ll see you later. ---
**Author:** ![mchelly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2bfe46/32.png) [@mchelly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mchelly)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/69 "2003-02-13T18:18:39Z")
The Fountainhead, by Ayn Rand ROARK: I’m talented but not successful. DOMINIQUE: You’re also hot. Rape me. ROARK: OK. (he does) KEATING: I’m successful, but not hot or talented. DOMINIQUE: You’re right. Let’s get married. (they do) WYNAND: I’m talented and successful, but not hot. DOMINIQUE: Works for me! (they get married) ROARK: Guess what - now I’m hot and talented AND successful! DOMINIQUE: Well then, call me Mrs. Roark! (he doesn’t, because that would be sexist. But he thinks it.) ---
**Author:** ![stjen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/898d66/32.png) [@stjen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stjen)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/70 "2003-02-13T18:29:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lissa \* > \*\* The Bible \*\* by God It’s slightly more correct to say \*\* The Bible \*\* by God’s Holy Ghost-Writers ---
**Author:** ![blanx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f04885/32.png) [@blanx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blanx)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/71 "2003-02-13T18:41:46Z")
**Wheel of Time Series** by Robert Jordan Interesting plot outlined. Nynaeve pulls braid. Thousands and thousands of pages go by. Stuff tastes like ashes in someone’s mouth. More pages go by. Plot is never advanced again. ---
**Author:** ![Duke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e8c25b/32.png) [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/72 "2003-02-13T20:34:15Z")
_My Dark Places_ James Ellroy: “My mother was murdered almost 50 years ago. Do you know who did it?” Bill Stoner: “No.” ---
**Author:** ![Treviathan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/838e76/32.png) [@Treviathan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Treviathan)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/73 "2003-02-13T20:57:35Z")
**The Sound and the Fury** by William Faulkner. Benji: Caddy smelled like trees. (bellows) Quentin: Caddy is a dishonorable whore, and I am in love with her. (kills himself) Jason: Caddy is a dishonorable whore, and I hate everyone. (hates everyone) Dilsey: This family’s nuts. Caddy: And they all need to get laid more often. ---
**Author:** ![JerH](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/bb73d2/32.png) [@JerH](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JerH)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/74 "2003-02-13T21:19:10Z")
**The Commitments** by Roddy Doyle Jimmy: Let’s start a band! Other Band members: OK! Audience: Wow, we really like them! Band members: But we hate each other. (The band breaks up.) ---
**Author:** ![eunoia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eunoia/32/97_2.png) [@eunoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eunoia)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/75 "2003-02-13T21:29:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by mchelly \* > \*\*The Fountainhead, by Ayn Rand > > KEATING: I’m successful, but not hot or talented. > DOMINIQUE: You’re right. Let’s get married. (they do) > \*\* Well, they almost do. ---
**Author:** ![Charybdas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Charybdas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charybdas)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/76 "2003-02-13T21:51:45Z")
[QUOTE] \*Originally posted by blanx \* \*\ ***Wheel of Time Series** by Robert Jordan You forgot three very important things: Somebody says “If [BLANK] were here he’d know how to handle women”. For no sensible reason somebody keeps information from somebody else which could have fixed everything. 4000 minor characters (all with similar names) appear and dissappear for no reason. ---
**Author:** ![Dragonblink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Dragonblink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragonblink)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2003, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/77 "2003-02-13T21:57:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by wolfman \* > \*\*The Stranger By Albert Camus > Main Character: I’m wierd and detached and have no name. \*\* Actually, his name is Meursault. **The Complete Works of Voltaire:** People suck. Nice people get bitten. **Madame Bovary:** Emma: You know Charles, I’d love to live in town. Hint. Hint. Charles: Will you marry me and come live in town? Emma: 'K. … Hey, um, this isn’t as cool as I’d like it to be. I’m depressed. Charles: How bout we move to a bigger town? Emma: Like Rouen? Charles: Okay, not that big. Emma: Damn you’re boring, Charles. I’m going to take lovers and go into debt living extravagantly to make myself feel better. Lheureux: Time to pay up or the repo man’s taking everything. Emma: Well, screw. _(takes poison and dies)_ ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2003, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/78 "2003-02-14T04:06:35Z")
**ANTIGONE** by Sophocles CREON: Don’t bury your brother. ANTIGONE: I buried my brother! CREON: You die, bitch! CHORUS: Creon locked Antigone in a cave, she dies. HAEMON: NOO!!! CHORUS: Haemon killed himself. CREON: Boy, I was a stupid jerk. CHORUS: Yep. ---
**Author:** ![ruralrage](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/df788c/32.png) [@ruralrage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ruralrage)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2003, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/79 "2003-02-14T05:05:51Z")
Galilee by Clive Barker Barbarossas: We hate the Geary’s Geary’s: We hate the Barbarossas Galilee: I get to bang any Geary wife i want. They think their making me do this! Rachel: I need some good sex from a god. Geary’s: Okay, where did we start losing our wives to gods. ---
**Author:** ![Dijon\_Warlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9a28c/32.png) [@Dijon\_Warlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dijon_Warlock)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2003, 6:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/80 "2003-02-14T06:23:11Z")
**The Black Cat** by Edgar Allen Poe Wife. Cat. Damned cat! New cat. Damned cat!! Damnned wife!! Cops. Damned cat!!! ---
**Author:** ![Hoopy\_Frood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hoopy_frood/32/8452_2.png) [@Hoopy\_Frood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hoopy_Frood)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2003, 12:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643/81 "2003-02-14T12:26:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bomzaway \* > \*\ ***The Hobbit** by J.R.R. Tolkein > > _He goes, lots of stuff happens and Bilbo finds a ring that makes him invisible. He uses it to kill a dragon who, judging by his name, is the root cause for air pollution._ > \*\* Nitpick: It was Bard who killed the dragon. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-book-a-minute-summarization-here/153643.md?page=5)