# Write your Movie-A-Minute Summarization here **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 8, 2003, 6:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-movie-a-minute-summarization-here/153672 "2003-02-08T06:26:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![jeanster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9fc348/32.png) [@jeanster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jeanster)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2003, 6:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-movie-a-minute-summarization-here/153672/1 "2003-02-08T06:26:13Z")
Someone else started a thread about summarizing books. Let’s do one here for movies, inspired by Movie-A-Minute: [http://rinkworks.com/movieaminute/](http://rinkworks.com/movieaminute/) Here’s one by me, only I gave it a slash angle: Bedazzled Directed by Stanley Donen 1967 Ultra-Condensed and Slashed by Jean Akins Peter Cook Don’t kill yourself. I can give you Margaret Spencer in exchange for your soul. Dudley Moore To hell with Margaret Spencer. Where have you been all my life, you tall, gorgeous, dreamy, sexy, adorable love muffin you? * * * And this one here’s not a movie, but an ultra-condensed version I wrote of the Blackadder episode ‘Bells’: BLACKADDER: Never catch me falling in love. KATE DISGUISED AS BOB: Prepare to be amazed! (She shows him her breasts.) BLACKADDER: I want to marry you! Kiss me, Kate! (At the wedding Kate runs off with Edmund’s best man Lord Flashheart.) THE END ---
**Author:** ![Jeff\_Wilder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@Jeff\_Wilder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jeff_Wilder)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-movie-a-minute-summarization-here/153672/2 "2003-02-09T16:26:55Z")
Titanic 1997 Directed by James Cameron. Jack: My name is Jack. I am an artist and I like to draw pictures of people naked. This here is my latest subject. Her name is Rose. Rose: I’m engaged to a wealthy snob and I’m prepared to kill myself when Jack saves me. So I agree to let him paint me and along the way I discover that I’m in love with me. So we wind up doing the you-know-what. Captain: They are on my ship, which is unsinkable. Voice: (From Off screen) ICCCCEEEBEEERG!!! (CRASH!) Voices: We’re sinking!!! Jack: Follow me everyone. (All characters jump into lifeboats) Jack: Rose I love you. But I need to sacrifice myself to end the movie and so Celine Dion will have a hit song to sing over the closing credits. Rose: Okay Jack. I love you. Goodbye (Hops into life boat) (Boat sinks with Jack on it.) (Closing credits feature song that sounds like a yak yodeling.) ---
**Author:** ![TVS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b782af/32.png) [@TVS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVS)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-movie-a-minute-summarization-here/153672/3 "2003-02-09T16:51:10Z")
Star Wars: Han Solo: Let the wookie win. The Death Star starts destroying planets. Everyone: I have a bad feeling about this! Darth Vader: Man, I’m such a jerk! Good thing I’m so cool! Luke Skywalker: What a jer! Glad I’m not related to him. To Be Continued. Silence of the lambs. Hannibal: Hello, Clarice… Clarice: Dr. Lecter, I’m worried that the killer is going to strike again, and I think we can save his current victim if we stop playing silly games… Hannibal: Later, Clarice. First psychoanalyze yourself. Better yet, lets play jacks. Or finish the word-find in the back of my Highlights magazine. Clarice: Couldn’t we find the girl first? Hannibal: You already know the location of the girl. Think. Now excuse me, I have a daring prison escape to plan for. ---
**Author:** ![SadTomato](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c37758/32.png) [@SadTomato](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SadTomato)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-movie-a-minute-summarization-here/153672/4 "2003-02-09T17:22:32Z")
**Grand Canyon** Good things happen, then bad things happen, then good things happen, then bad things happen then everybody goes to the Grand Canyon. ---
**Author:** ![Nithy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@Nithy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nithy)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-movie-a-minute-summarization-here/153672/5 "2003-02-09T22:44:33Z")
Lord of the Rings (The movies that have come out so far): Frodo: This ring is bad. It should be destroyed. Aragorn: I’m going to be king. (Many dramatic battles and inner struggles) and then, Harry Potter (Either movie) Harry: My parents are dead, and Lord Voldemort is out to get me. Lord Voldemort: I’m out to get you Harry. Everyone Else: Lord Voldemort is not out to get you. (Lord Voldemort tries to get Harry. Fails.) Harry: I told you he was out to get me. My parents are still dead. Everyone Else: Well, he’s gone now. (And then the next movie starts) Yes, I did just copy and paste these from the other thread. But they were mine anyway. ---
**Author:** ![jeanster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9fc348/32.png) [@jeanster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jeanster)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-movie-a-minute-summarization-here/153672/6 "2003-02-09T22:46:42Z")
Thanks, Nithy. I enjoyed these. So true about the Harry Potter ones! _grin_ ---
**Author:** ![Agrippina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8797f3/32.png) [@Agrippina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agrippina)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-movie-a-minute-summarization-here/153672/7 "2003-02-09T23:12:30Z")
For the Harry Potter ones you forgot: Harry: I’ll disobey all the teachers and break all the rules with my friends and none of us will get in trouble 'cause I’m famous and my parents are dead. Snape: I’ll try and do the decent thing and punish Harry like we would with any other student. Everyone: Snape is evil and mean. Dumbledore: Stop it Snape. Harry, you are not in trouble 'cause you’re famous and your parents are dead. Harry: Ha ha Snape. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![jeanster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9fc348/32.png) [@jeanster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jeanster)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-movie-a-minute-summarization-here/153672/8 "2003-02-09T23:17:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by bean\_shadow \* > \*\*For the Harry Potter ones you forgot: > > Harry: I’ll disobey all the teachers and break all the rules with my friends and none of us will get in trouble 'cause I’m famous and my parents are dead. > Snape: I’ll try and do the decent thing and punish Harry like we would with any other student. > Everyone: Snape is evil and mean. > Dumbledore: Stop it Snape. Harry, you are not in trouble 'cause you’re famous and your parents are dead. > Harry: Ha ha Snape. > > 😃 \*\* Brilliant! Love it! 🙂 I am amazed at the funny and witty stuff y’all can come up with here in this thread. Enjoying it very much. Thanks, all. ---
**Author:** ![manx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/65b543/32.png) [@manx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manx)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-movie-a-minute-summarization-here/153672/9 "2003-02-09T23:34:09Z")
**Alien: Resurection** Ripley: Ugh. Argh. I’m a confused mutant. Arg. Call: I’m so annoying and whiney. Whine whine whine. Space Pirates: Shut up. Arg Aliens: Grr, arg. Scientists. Hahahaha. We know this always goes wrong, yet we do it anyway. Why? Ripley: Ugh. You’re all idiots. Grunt. Aliens escape. Chaos ensures. Many die, but not Ripley, Call or assorted grunting Space Pirates. Call: I’m an android. Whine whine whine Everyone else: Well duh. Now shut up More chaos. Ripley: Shit. I just killed my alien-baby. Angst (expressed by grunting) Call: Everyone else is dead. Oh look, earth. Ripley: ugh. Hope we got 'em all. **Independance Day** Space Geeks: Shit, an alien ship. From the moon? This is strange… Jeff Goldblum: I’m a depressed semialcoholic divorcee. P.S. I’m really smart and, for some reason, work in cable repair. Also I like the enviroment. Will Smith: I wish I could go to space. I guess I have to remain a jet fighter person. Will Smith’s Wife, Kid & Dog. We’re cute. We’re what he’s fighting for. Dog: Woof. Against all probability, I will survive everything an alien attack can throw. President: I’m so dashing and rebelious. Go america. Aliens attack. chaos ensues. Some people die, but they’re not very important. Entire world: We’re so screwed Jeff Goldbum: I know how to save the day! Everyone else: Hurrah. President: Go america! Go mankind! Assorted fighters of all diferent ethnicities: Go america! America saves the day. Rest of World: Thanks America!! ---
**Author:** ![Torgo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@Torgo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Torgo)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2003, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-movie-a-minute-summarization-here/153672/10 "2003-02-09T23:51:40Z")
**BOOGIE NIGHTS directed by Paul Thomas Anderson** **Paul Thomas Anderson** I will lift “GoodFellas” and set it in the west coast porn industry. **Critics** Paul Thomas Anderson is God. **THE END** **BLUE VELVET directed by David Lynch** **Jeffrey** There’s a dark undercurrent to our everyday world. **Dorothy** Hit me. **Frank Booth** Hnnnh. Hnnnnh. Don’t look at me. _(Dies)_ **David Lynch** There’s a network series here somewhere. **THE END** ---
**Author:** ![SnugTheJoiner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@SnugTheJoiner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnugTheJoiner)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-movie-a-minute-summarization-here/153672/11 "2003-02-10T01:15:13Z")
LEAVING LAS VEGAS HE: I’m going to drink myself to death. SHE: Okay. The End. ---
**Author:** ![Yumblie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/76d3ee/32.png) [@Yumblie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yumblie)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-movie-a-minute-summarization-here/153672/12 "2003-02-10T01:19:09Z")
**Armageddon** Scientist 1: Oh no an asteroid the size of Texas is going to destroy the earth with the power of 10,000 nukular bombs!! Scientist 2: We better send a team of astronauts to the asteroid and blow it up. Scientist 1: Hey I have a better idea, how about we send a bunch of inept oil drillers instead Scientist: Ok. Let’s easily point Hubble towards the asteroid and look at it some more. Drilling Team: Ok we are in space. _everything that can possibly go wrong goes wrong_ Bruce Willis: Oh no, I have to kill myself to blow up this asteroid the size of Kansas. _conveniently, one nuclear bomb embedded less than 1/10th of the way through the asteroid manages to split it in half and both halfs conveniently miss Earth and the ship flying away from it_ Earth: Hooray for ignoring physics!!! ---
**Author:** ![Cardinal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cardinal/32/4000_2.png) [@Cardinal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cardinal)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-movie-a-minute-summarization-here/153672/13 "2003-02-10T01:25:39Z")
Phil: I’m sarcastinc, caustic, and self-absorbed. People outside major metropolitan areas are so laughable. Wow, this same day is repeating over and over and blowing my mind. This also gives me a chance to learn how to hit on the babe-alicious producer I have. Wow, this repeating business is depressing. I’ll kill myself. Oops, it didn’t take. I’ve learned how to make the best of a bad situation, and really grown as a person. In fact, I’m now so impressive that the babe will fall for me in just one day. Man, I’m impressive. Groundhog Day ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-movie-a-minute-summarization-here/153672/14 "2003-02-10T01:39:04Z")
\*\*The English Patient \*\* Ralph Lauren Desert Collection ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-movie-a-minute-summarization-here/153672/15 "2003-02-10T01:41:27Z")
\*\*Die Hard \*\* Terrorists have taken over the building and only I, Bruce Willis, with no shoes on and a smirk, can stop them, while I make close personal friends with a chubby cop. ---
**Author:** ![jeanster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9fc348/32.png) [@jeanster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jeanster)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-movie-a-minute-summarization-here/153672/16 "2003-02-10T01:55:19Z")
And the hits just keep on coming. These are great, people. Thanks for posting. ---
**Author:** ![Torgo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@Torgo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Torgo)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-movie-a-minute-summarization-here/153672/17 "2003-02-10T02:12:15Z")
**STARSHIP TROOPERS directed by Paul Verhoeven** **Paul Verhoeven** I will make this film a parody of the novel it’s based on. Mwa-ha-ha. **Clueless Heinlein geeks** You got everything wrong, we’re outraged. **THE END** ---
**Author:** ![Pucky\_Schumer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/74df32/32.png) [@Pucky\_Schumer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pucky_Schumer)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-movie-a-minute-summarization-here/153672/18 "2003-02-10T03:04:12Z")
**Soylent Green** … is people ---
**Author:** ![MonkeyMensch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@MonkeyMensch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MonkeyMensch)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-movie-a-minute-summarization-here/153672/19 "2003-02-10T03:26:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SadTomato \* > \*\ ***Grand Canyon** > > Good things happen, then bad things happen, then good things happen, then bad things happen then everybody goes to the Grand Canyon. \*\* The Big Winner so far. ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2003, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-movie-a-minute-summarization-here/153672/20 "2003-02-10T03:45:11Z")
**The Time Machine** (2002 version) I discovered a way to travel to the past and save my fiancee’s life, but instead I had to watch her die a thousand times. I’m so depressed, I’ll go look at the future instead. There’s a babe here wearing chainmail and no bra. This is my new home. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-movie-a-minute-summarization-here/153672.md?page=2)