# Write Your Own Chick Tract-Part Deux-HAW!HAW!HAW! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 3, 2003, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404 "2003-09-03T21:07:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2003, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/1 "2003-09-03T21:07:43Z")
I don’t want to hijack[this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=208748) so I’m starting new here. Back in February several Dopers who get a kick out of mocking Chick tracts participated in [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=163704&perpage=50&pagenumber=1). I think it’s time to do it again. So if you want to play, here’s how I trying to set up the next one. 1. It will be 22 “panels” long, like classic Chick, with the obligatory “check box” afterward 2. What Would Chick Write? I’m thinking we write in classic Chick fashion, but include the subtle parodies that make these mockeries so much fun. See the Anti-Science Fiction story in the previous thread. I\* loved\* the damnation scene that the sister got! 3. Previous Chick characters, especially Bob, can appear, but new ones are encouraged. 4. Check previous panels to try and keep up correct continuity. However, I don’t want to get too rule bound here. As a subject for the first “write your own tract” I am suggesting the recent decision by a certain denomination to ordain an openly gay man as a bishop. I’d be surprised if Chick himself doesn’t already have one in the works. Don’t know how this will play out, but here goes! **CONFORMITY CULTS!** **Panel 1** _We see a man, call him George, kneeling in prayer in his living room. A television announcer is speaking about how a ruling from the “World Council” will now forbid churches from discriminating against gays and lesbians, and will be required to employ them as part of a policy of “cultural diversity”._ George: Oh Lord, how could it have happened? I just can’t go along with this!\* Give me a sign that you will stop this! _On a table in the living room the phone is ringing._ \*“For we are not contending against flesh and blood, but against the principalities, against the powers, against the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 6:12 ---
**Author:** ![UrbanChic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9dc877/32.png) [@UrbanChic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UrbanChic)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2003, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/2 "2003-09-03T21:34:33Z")
**Panel 2** _George answers the telephone._ Hello? _The voice on the line responds._ George, this is Reverend Schmidt. Are you watching the World Council Meeting? I am and they’re trying to **bring** the wrath of God on us akin to that of Sodom and Gomorrah. We’ve got to fly to New **York**. _George replies._ Reverend! I was just **praying** to God to show me a sign. I had just barely finished my **sentence** when the telephone rang! You are truly a man of the Lord! \*\*_Then the LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven; Genesis 19:24_ ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2003, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/3 "2003-09-04T03:00:21Z")
**Panel 3** _George is at the airport. There are several ridiculously stereotyped gay couples in various ridiculous stages of dress roaming around the terminal and engaged in PDAs. There are also one or two demons flitting around and giggling gleefully. One skinny gay man in a fishnet shirt spies a Bible sticking out of George’s carry-on bag._ Gay man: Don’t bring your hate literature around **us** , breeder. George: May the Lord save your soul. Gay man: %\*!# you, you \*##\*@ homophobe! ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2003, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/4 "2003-09-04T03:32:34Z")
**Panel 4** _George finds himself surrounded by half a dozen large men in full body armor, Kevlar helmets, goggles and face masks. They are dressed in all black from head to toe, carry MP-5s and bare a large red “WC” [World Council] emblem._ Head WC Trooper: Here now what’s all this commotion! George: I was just standing here waiting for… Head WC Trooper: SILENCE! Waiting for Jesus most likely! You picked the wrong place to spread that filth God-boy! **Panel 4** _With a WHACK!!!, one of the troopers strikes George in the back of the head with the butt of his MP-5. The crowd of gay and minority stereotypes is visibly pleased and George goes down like a sack of potatoes._ ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2003, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/5 "2003-09-04T03:34:40Z")
Oops… The second **Panel 4** should be **Panel 5** ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2003, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/6 "2003-09-04T03:49:35Z")
**Panel 4** _George and the Rev. Schmidt are shown arriving at the airport in New York. The Rev. Schmidt turns to George and says_ RS: George, I called ahead to a friend of mine, Bob Smith and he’s going to…oh, there you are Bob! Bob: I’m glad to see there are at least two faithful left! We’re going into the belly of the Beast! There’s supposed to be another big announcement from the World Council, and we need to be there! _As they leave a man wearing a cassock and clerical collar(hint, hint) takes their picture and writes down the number of the cab they were driven away in_ ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2003, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/7 "2003-09-04T03:52:39Z")
Oops! I see **mssmith537** got in there ahead of me. Please disregard my Panel 4, although maybe the ideas can be saved for later! ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2003, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/8 "2003-09-04T04:20:03Z")
**Panel 6** _George is flat on his back in a hospital bed, with a bandaged head. Two visitors enter_ **Rev. S** : George, I just heard about what happened! What has our world come to? I brought someone I hope can help, Bob Smith. **Bob** George, your suffering is just a foretaste of the Tribulations that are coming! As Paul says in 2 Timothy 3:12-13 “Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution. But evil men and seducers shall wax worse and worse, decieving, and being deceived.” ---
**Author:** ![sperfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@sperfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sperfur)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2003, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/9 "2003-09-04T19:59:06Z")
I saved my 666th post for this thread. I just wanted to tell you that you guys are awesome and apparently I’m going to hell. I love you guys. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2003, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/10 "2003-09-04T20:40:01Z")
**Panel 7** _An orderly is now wheeling a young man into the other side of the hospital room on a gurney. The patient looks emaciated and depressed. A demon hovers over the hospital bed_. Orderly: This is Bruce. He’s dying of AIDS. He got it by practicing sodomy. Bob: I think the Lord sent us here for a reason, George. We must save that man’s soul before he dies. God needs every soul he can get in the coming battle. ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/11 "2003-09-05T00:34:17Z")
**Panel 8** Bob: “Bruce, there is one key step in saving your soul, and helping heaven’s fight against the enemies of God…” Bruce: “Yes? What is it?” Bob: “BUY WAR BONDS” Sorry, couldn’t help it 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/12 "2003-09-05T00:47:17Z")
**Panel 8** _George leans over from his hospital bed and actually extends his hand to Bruce, who is so weak that he only has the strength to turn his head and whimper…_ **Bruce** : I’m so afraid of dying! **Bob** : You don’t have to be, you know! If you truly repent your sinful life, and ask Jesus into your life, you can go to Heaven when you die. _Unbeknownst to those in the hospital room, outside the door, there is an eavesdropper. He wears a cassock with the standard clerical style collar, and an ID badge just large enough to see “Fr. Novello” printed on it. He’s talking urgently into a cell phone._ **Fr. N:** Hello? World Council offices? I need to report three sickos at City Hospital. Yes, I’ll wait. Ummm, there _is_ a reward, isn’t there? ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/13 "2003-09-05T00:50:27Z")
Umm, Incubus, do you really mean for that panel to stand as written? No offense, but it’s not _quite_ following along with the story as already written. BTW, I took the priest’s call almost directly from the statement of another character in an actual Chick tract! ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/14 "2003-09-05T01:00:51Z")
**Baker** , I think we can take _Incubus’_\* panel as a joke and go with yours. It’s a good one, btw. I like the “reward” touch. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/15 "2003-09-05T01:27:23Z")
**Diogenes** , I wish I could take credit for the “reward” bit but that was stolen straight from the tract I mentioned. A guy was turning in his sister and brother-in-law. ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/16 "2003-09-05T02:56:40Z")
**Panel 9** _A title reading WORLD COUNCIL OFFICE is shown. There is a bearded guy in a pope hat sitting behind a desk putting a phone down. Standing on his right is Satan in is goofy horned head and Eeeeevil goatee (see the subtle pope on the left hand of Satan…ooo how symbolic)_ **POPE** : Oh Evil one it looks like that \*#@@! Bob is at it again. He is trying to turn Bruce Flaymon against you! **SATAN** That \*#@@! Bob! Ever since he accepted Jesus and gave up homosexuality he’s been a pain in my side! I mean who does he think he is??! That Broad he’s living with is fooling no one! Well! This time I have something very special planned for him!! ---
**Author:** ![sperfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@sperfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sperfur)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/17 "2003-09-05T13:42:40Z")
Bob used to be a homosexual? :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Rube\_E.Tewesday](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f0a364/32.png) [@Rube\_E.Tewesday](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rube_E.Tewesday)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/18 "2003-09-05T13:50:17Z")
**PANEL 10** **Bruce** : Who is this Jesus you’re talking about? Why have I never heard about him before in my life? ---
**Author:** ![Ilsa\_Lund](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a6a055/32.png) [@Ilsa\_Lund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ilsa_Lund)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/19 "2003-09-05T14:07:38Z")
**Panel 11:** Bob: Jesus is the one true Son of God, whom God sent to cleanse the world of the sins of man\*, including homosexual sodomy. Jesus is the _only_ one who can save you from the sin of sodomy, and assure your everlasting life in heaven! Bruce (looking anguished):Please help me! How can I accept Jesus into my life, and how can Jesus ever accept me after my sins against him? Bob: Jesus will accept all of those who accept _him_ into their heart! _Cut Back to Pope-Satan: That B#S&$##D!_ \*\* John 3:16: For God So Loved the World, That He Sent His Only Son.\* ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/20 "2003-09-05T14:50:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by sperfur \* > \*\*Bob used to be a homosexual? :eek: \*\* What can I say, he’s got that John Waters vibe… 😉 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404.md?page=2)