# Write Your Own Chick Tract-Part Deux-HAW!HAW!HAW! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 3, 2003, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404 "2003-09-03T21:07:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2003, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/41 "2003-09-09T19:11:51Z")
I’m confused. I thought the main character in every Chick Tract was some dude named Damien. ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2003, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/42 "2003-09-09T19:45:44Z")
Oh, this is good stuff… I’m already getting good mental images for the panels… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2003, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/43 "2003-09-09T20:33:50Z")
I think we are rounding the last turn here and heading for the home stretch, just a few panels left. * * * **Panel 17** - The trio are sprinting out of the building, seemingly unnoticed amidst all the chaos\* **Alberto** :_looking ahead_: Oh no, the WC police traced my car! OK, walk slow, maybe they won’t know us by sight. **Mrs. Smith** : Bob, darling I’m so frightened! **Bob** :We don’t need to be scared, we have the Lord as our Protector! - Just when it seems there is no hope and they will surely be recaptured a car pulls up alongside them. It is Fr. Novello! He’s still in the same clothes, but his clerical collar has been stripped off (a little touch of symbolism there!)\* **Fr. Novello** :Praise the Lord, you got away! Get in! ---
**Author:** ![FriarTed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friarted/32/1052_2.png) [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2003, 8:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/44 "2003-09-10T08:27:22Z")
bump ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2003, 12:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/45 "2003-09-10T12:18:20Z")
Oooooo we have only 4 panels for the poetic justice and dire warning… Hmmmm. Perhaps they should get raptured followed by a quick everybody else died and went to hell panel… Or… I’m not sure. I’ll hold for another two panels and see where we go from here. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2003, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/46 "2003-09-10T13:29:24Z")
That’s what I was thinking. The drive away could have Fr. Novello explaining his disillusionment, with a Chick-style “history” lesson. They make it to the hideout, are discovered and the bad guys close in, but the good guys are Raptured away. Got to work on this one. ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Amazing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@Captain\_Amazing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Amazing)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2003, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/47 "2003-09-10T14:44:33Z")
Or they’re all killed and then they go to heaven as martyrs. ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2003, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/48 "2003-09-10T17:42:11Z")
I vote Killed… also a few Jesuits too… preferably by the good old fashion hitting a truck and bursting into flames! Well except Bob who lives to give a stern warning. (I mean you can’t kill Bob!) ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2003, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/49 "2003-09-11T00:14:38Z")
I did the last panel so someone else is going to have to the the next couple. **king** , **Rube** , **Ilsa** , **Diogenes** , **msmith537**? Did I miss anyone? ---
**Author:** ![Rube\_E.Tewesday](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f0a364/32.png) [@Rube\_E.Tewesday](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rube_E.Tewesday)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2003, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/50 "2003-09-11T20:50:24Z")
**Panel 18** **Fr Novello:** In my entire time as a Roman Catholic, why did no one ever tell me about Jesus?? **Bob:** That’s because Roman Catholicism doesn’t want people to know about Jesus’s message of salvation. They want everyone to worship the Mother Goddess – she who the the Pope calls Mary, the Mother of God – but who the ancient Greeks called… **SAPPHO!!** ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2003, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/51 "2003-09-12T00:16:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lord Ashtar \* > \*\*I’m confused. I thought the main character in every Chick Tract was some dude named Damien. \*\* Nope. Damien appears only in the last three of the Bible series. Even Bob has only appeared in the last couple three \* years, having debuted in #1 of the series. Now that the series is over he seems to be in semi-retirement while some unfamilar joker grabs lapels in “Busted!” But don’t count a good villain out just yet. (Oh, wait. Chick considers him the HEEEERO! I forgot.) J.C. himself seems to be the most common character in the tracts as a whole. He plays both the judge/jury/prosecutor and, potentially at least, defense attorney in every Damnation case. (The second greatest modification in JTC’s idea of a theological system of thought is that now the saved skip the Great White Throne trial altogether. There wouldn’t be much point since now all the evidence gets deleted, as Damien is reassured in #25. But earlier Jack changed his mind about whether backsliders merely get embarassed in heaven {ETERNAL SECURITY} or get damned a second time. Putting the two together I suppose all the burned up evidence gets unburned once more. More proof that miracles are real, no doubt.) Since he has this dual role of being both your best friend AND your worst enemy – practically a JTC quote – he not only easily beats out the H.S. but also his own father. Of course HE cannot be considered a completely fictional character – at least not categorically. If you want to know who is the most frequent invented character, that honor goes to… YAHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! **Fang!** Get your teeth out of me! I take back all the sarcasm! J.C. and JTC are the GREATEST! - Yes, I’m from Upstate NY! ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2003, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/52 "2003-09-12T00:23:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rube E. Tewesday \* > \*\ ***Panel 11** > > Father Novello, still outside, looks shocked. > > **Father Novello** : Jesus is the Son of God?! He can save us from our sins?! WHY DIDN’T THEY TELL US THIS AT THE SEMINARY!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE!!! \*\* Priceless. Absolutely priceless! Everybody knows that Catholics and Orthodox don’t believe that salvation is through Jesus. They’ve never even HEARD of it!:rolleyes: HAW! HAW! HAW! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2003, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/53 "2003-09-12T00:25:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Already in Use \* > \*\*I once started a parody Chick tract by rearranging the title of “THIS WAS YOUR LIFE!” to spell, “YOUR LIFE WAS SHIT!” I never got around to finishing it, though. \*\* But-- but-- but-- PLEASE DO! * * * True Blue Jack ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2003, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/54 "2003-09-12T00:42:16Z")
Well, **Jack** , are you going to help us write a panel or not? (_Foot tapping impatiently_)😛 ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2003, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/55 "2003-09-12T04:26:27Z")
You’re impatient, Baker? I’m the one that’s gotta draw the thing. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2003, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/56 "2003-09-12T16:18:20Z")
\*\* Panel 19\*\* - Fr Novello is on his knees face burried into his hands and doing the old last minute saving thing. Unfortunately ishop Bunny and his two lacky Priests have broken into the room. Note one is droping a handgrenade as he slips (Let’s make it Edward G Robinson) **FR Novello** : Lord Jesus I **NOW** believe in you… I repent my sins… Thanks for forgiving me. **BUNNY** : Fool! Don’t think you will be so easily forgiven by the Holy Papa! **Priest 1** Nyaaaa…ooops! ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2003, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/57 "2003-09-12T18:39:38Z")
**SPOOFE** , when you get around to doing the art on this tract you can change the panel I’m doing here any way you need to to make it work, 'cause I don’t know for sure if I am describing it well, or if it is artistically workable. Let me know if you think it needs changing. \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ **Panel 20** _On the left side of the panel we see, spelled out vertically in large capitals, the word BOOM! I visualize the lettering being white, set against a black background, and the dark background has those sort of “frayed” edges. The remainder of the panel, (about 75%?) is divided horizontally into two parts._ _In the upper part is seen “Heaven”, you know, a wall with a big set of gates, set in the clouds, with rays of light like searchlights flaring out of it. Standing in front of the gate are silhouetted three tiny figures. One of these appears to be in a skirt._ **The Three** : What happened? Is it? Oh, praise the Lord for saving us! _In the lower part is “Hell”, you know, lots of flames, barren looking, little silhouettes of demons and lost souls. Two small figures, standing close together, are saying_ **The Two** : What happened? This isn’t what the Holy Mother promised us! * * * It will be notice that one figure is unaccounted for, as there are only three figures arriving at Heaven. I am assuming Bob has been thrown clear of the blast somehow, so we can get “the rest of the story” on how to be saved. But that’s for the next panel. ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2003, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/58 "2003-09-12T21:09:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Baker \* > \*\*Well, **Jack** , are you going to help us write a panel or not? > (_Foot tapping impatiently_)😛 \*\* Oh, I didn’t know that there were still panels to make. I thought I came in too late and there was only opportunity to comment. I may have time tomorrow. Thank you for thinking of me.🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2003, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/59 "2003-09-12T21:28:20Z")
Oh, hell, I have time now. The two scream YAHHHHHHH as someone informs them that this is really a pre-hell and all they will can do is stand around in terrible agony for God know how long for the Great White Throne judgment and then the LAKEOF FIRE – which _really_ hurts! “Oh, Holy Mother of God, help us!” they shriek! Just then Old Nick, somehow immune to the flames of pre-hell shows up in response. A shorter blue figure is standing just behind him, mostly obscured. (It’s hard to see through flames anyway.) “YOU’RE… not the… Blessed Virgin” they manage to whimper in unison… No, he bellows, but look here. He stands aside to show none other than their Hope Of Salvation! The two look confused.She smiles at them. “Huhhh”? they moan as she morphs into a more sinister figure… “S-S-S-Sem…i…rias?!” (aka Sappho!) ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2003, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404/60 "2003-09-13T00:05:41Z")
OK, **Jack** , I guess that would be panel 21. All we need now is panel 22, and then the “check box”. **SPOOFE** , you interested? You’ll be doing the art after all. **king** , **Rube** , **Diogenes**? We need a rant from Bob, an entree, about how _ **HELL** _ is the result if you don’t give it all up for your merciful Lord. With a side order of Bible verses, and either a shot of the faceless God, amongst the saved, or one of those "The Way, The Truth, and the Life headshots of Jesus. And the check box for dessert. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-chick-tract-part-deux-haw-haw-haw/199404.md?page=4)