# Write your own Enterprise episode **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [November 21, 2002, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-enterprise-episode/138017 "2002-11-21T20:47:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Tars\_Tarkas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tars\_Tarkas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tars_Tarkas)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2002, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-enterprise-episode/138017/41 "2002-11-25T01:43:15Z")
This being star trek, the black hole causes a distortion of the space time continuum, resulting in Enterprise being caught in a infinate loop as the head toward the black hole. since they are ripping off a TNG epsode, they decide to also rip off a Voyager episode and escape via a crack in the event horizon caused by the Prophets (which therefore rips off DS9). To complete the Quadfecta, T’Pol goes into Pon Farr, ripping off TOS. Also, sometime during that mess, someone pulls something out of Daniel’s quarters and saves the day. T’Pol: I’m in Pon Farr! Archer: Hey, isn’t Pon Farr just for men? T’Pol: You sexist pig! prepare to be boarded! The following scene has be censored due to the graphic nature T’Pol (smoking a ciggarette): That was very logical Archer: I think you sprained my face! Tars Tarkas and Hoshi walk by Archer: Hey, what’s going on here? Tars Tarkas: Hey, if i get written into the script, I’m gonna pratice me some conjugations! Hoshi: That sounds familiar… Panda: Hey, i’m still here! Reed: Yes, but i must sacrifice myself to stop you! ::shoots himself in kneecap:: OH, the pain! Panda: Why don’t you just shoot me? Reed: Because i’m afraid of Pandas. i grew up in a family that raised pandas on British naval vessels, and i once fell into a huge vat of pandas and water, which is why i am afraid of them both. luckily i was saved by a pineapple, which is my favorite fruit. Panda: This is the best the writers can come up with? Mayweather: Hey, that panda has had more lines than me! Archer: Reed, go pull something out of Crewman Daniel’s quarters that will stop Mayweather’s complaining. Reed: Aye, sir. Here is something, some sort of box, lets see, it appears to be full of…Crewman Daniel’s toenail clippings!! Everyone except Phlox: EEEEWWWWWWW!!! Phlox: I’LL take those. Yum Yum! ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2002, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-enterprise-episode/138017/42 "2002-11-25T01:59:34Z")
Meanwhle, unbeknownst to the crew, but beknownest to us, Porthos drags a device out of crewman Daniel’s quarters. Seeking cheese, he pushes a button labeled “RESET-DO NOT MASH” with his nose. Archer:" Captain’s log: While exploring the Dimsum sector, the Enterprise has discovered a giant eggroll." T’Pol: “Captain, the eggroll is aproximately 500 meters in length. Archer:How big is it?” T’Pol: (sighs) Reed: “Captain, there is a Klingon vessel behind the eggroll. If it will help, I will kill myself.” Mayweather:“Captain, may I say something?” Archer:“No.” Hoshi:“They are hailing us.” Archer:“On screen” Klingon: “Bok Choy! Mu gu GAIPAN!” Archer:“What are they saying?” ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2002, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-enterprise-episode/138017/43 "2002-11-25T03:39:16Z")
Elf6c: “They are saying the ratings are low. Punch it up a bit!” Archer: “Oh great, everyone’s a critic!” T’Pol: “Not everyone, Captain. The writers of _Firefly_ are too busy writing good shows to take much notice of us.” Vivalostwages: “See? In _every_ thread! I told you NCB.” NoClueBoy: “Oh, sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. What’s happening?” Roj: “Rerun! Get out of my fridge!” Reed: “Um, Captain? That intruder alert thingy is going on again…” Archer: “I had to come to Paramount… [sigh]…” ---
**Author:** ![Kn\_ckers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/96bed5/32.png) [@Kn\_ckers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kn_ckers)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2002, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-enterprise-episode/138017/44 "2002-11-25T13:54:19Z")
Mayweather: Can I say something now? Archer: No. Mayweather: Pleeeeaaaaase? Archer: NO! I’m tired of your weird cargo ship nostalgia! Mayweather: It isn’t about cargo ships! Archer : [sighing] Okay, what is it? Mayweather: I like pie. Trip: Hey! That’s my line! T’Pol: You gave up your rights to use that line when you ate that weird thing out of the exhaust vent. Klingon: This episode has become increasingly illogical. Archer: Did he say ‘illogical’? Hoshi: Yes. Either that, or ass-weird. But I think it was illogical. T’Pol: Foolish Klingon’s and their ‘logic’. They are dishonorable cowards, and deserve to be put out of their misery. Today is a good day to die! Reed: Can I die too? Porthos: Shut _UP_! Trip: Cap’n, can I fondle your seat, now? Archer: Okay. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2002, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-enterprise-episode/138017/45 "2002-11-25T14:00:42Z")
Hoshi: “Has anyone else noticed that T’Pol and the Klingon appear to have switched bodies?” Archer: “Shut up and get naked or get off my bridge!” Porthos: “Dance, Trip! Damn, when come back, bring pie.” (doggie giggles) Reed: “Now I’m hungry. Where did Chef go?” ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2002, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-enterprise-episode/138017/46 "2002-11-25T14:21:52Z")
REED: Onboard Sensors have just picked up an intruder Capatin ARCHER: (IN HIS PATEND CONCERENED LOOK) What type of intruder? REED: Unknown it appeared for a second but bio signs don’t pick up anything. ARCHER: Sub Commander can you detect anything T’POL: Human Scum I should rip out your lungs for the dishonour you have brought on me but as my commanding officer I’d have to kill myself ratehr tha dishonor myself by disobeying you. MayWeather: (LOOKS CONCERENED AND ATTEMPTS TO LOOK BUSY) ARCHER: (ANGRY) May I see you alone for a moment Sub Commander (GESTURES TO THE TURBO LIFT) T’POL: By Khaless’s Fat Forehead what now? ARCHER: (IN HIS PATENED LECTURE TO THE VULCAN VOICE) I don’t care what you Vulcan’s think WE humans don’t like to be threatened! WE are a crew and I expect more co operation from MY First officer! T’POL: You must understand Captain, I am going through what we Vulcan’s call Palfor toony or “The Change”. ARCHER: Change on your own time SubCommander! This SWhip has more importyant concerns REED: Reed To Captain Archer. ARCHER: (ANGRY) What is it?!! REED: We have located the intuder! ARCHER: Where is it? MALLLVAR: On your Bridge Pathetic Human (CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC FADE TO BLACK) INSERT COMMERCIAL ---
**Author:** ![Kn\_ckers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/96bed5/32.png) [@Kn\_ckers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kn_ckers)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2002, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-enterprise-episode/138017/47 "2002-11-25T14:32:51Z")
Trip: Holy heartfailure, Batman! Archer: (emerging from Turbo lift) Did he just say “Batman”? T’Pol: Yes, he did, pathetic human! I will rip out his esophagus with my teeth!! Trip: Well, damn, T’Pol! Then I couldn’t eat my pie! Phlox: Would this be an appropriate time for my weird super-stretchy smile? Reed: Oh, by the way, the intruder’s on the bridge. Everyone: We know that! Reed: Should I shoot him? Or myself? I really just want to play with firearms. Mayweather: Back on the cargo ship, when there was an intruder, we- Everyone: SHUT UP! Hoshi: Am I still naked? I forget. Tars Tarkas: I hope so. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2002, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-enterprise-episode/138017/48 "2002-11-25T14:37:04Z")
Commercial voiceover: “Own all two seasons of _Enterprise_ on wonderful new modern RCA laser video flimsy disk thingies! Yes, you too can cure insomnia and satisfy purient desires in one fell swoop! Imagine, BOTH seasons! On a discontinued format! Be the envy of all your false friends. Live free or die! Send $1099.97 to: behind the pipe on the wall, old abandoned dry cleaners, alley between Fourth and Main, Tulsa, OK. Act now!” ---
**Author:** ![Marine\_One](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/marine_one/32/3461_2.png) [@Marine\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marine_One)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2002, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-enterprise-episode/138017/49 "2002-11-25T15:02:39Z")
Archer: I’ve received an emergency message from Star Fleet. The men must now have pointy sideburns and the women must wear mini-skirts with black hose. All: The hell we will!! Trip: Can we do both? ---
**Author:** ![Kn\_ckers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/96bed5/32.png) [@Kn\_ckers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kn_ckers)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2002, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-enterprise-episode/138017/50 "2002-11-25T17:22:29Z")
Hoshi: I’d rather wear nothing at all, if that’s okay with everyone here. Mayweather: I - Archer: Shut up. T’Pol: Actually, Captain, the Ensign makes a good point. Wouldn’t it be better for ratings if we all went naked? Archer: I thought you were going to be all vicious and honorable. T’Pol: Sorry, I forgot. I WILL KILL YOU ALL AND ROAST YOUR GIZZARDS FOR DINNER! Reed: Can I go first? I’d like for my gizzards to be eaten. Porthos: Mmmm, gizzards… ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2002, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-enterprise-episode/138017/51 "2002-11-25T17:29:58Z")
MALLLVAR: Excuse me Mallvar here! I haven’t finished being threatening or explaining my evil purpose! T’POL: That green gasious energy beast is an affront to your honour Captain. Allow me disperse it as easily as Hoshi disperses the shaming odour of her gases in the women’s washroom! HOSHI: Hey! ARCHER: Enough! Only I shall yell on MY bridge. No what is it you want Gren Gasious energy Being? MALLLVAR: It’s MALLLVAR!! ARCHER: Sorry. Malllvar,(IN PATENTED ARCHER TALKING TO ALIENS EXPLAINING ENTERPRISES PURPOSE VOICE) We ahre HERE on a mission of PEACE! WE come from a planet called EARTH! MALLVAR: Silence! I know who you are and why you are here! That is unimportant! Now hear my Purpose fools! ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2002, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-enterprise-episode/138017/52 "2002-11-25T17:59:28Z")
MALLVAR: “Take this five dollar bill, #26F, and buy me some Fritos!” Mayweather: “Hey mon, if’n you gonna make me all mute and no talkeen, den I got sumteen to say about it…” Reggae music starts up. Porthos: “TRIP! WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO GET YOU TO DANCE!?!?! SHHEESHE!” Hoshi: “I fail to see the humor in this, NCB.” NoClueBoy: “Just take off your clothes.” Scott Bakula, on phone to agent: “Nigel, any thing open on the W B?” ---
**Author:** ![blowero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/41988e/32.png) [@blowero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blowero)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2002, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-enterprise-episode/138017/53 "2002-11-25T20:42:30Z")
Archer: Dammit, it’s been at least 5 minutes since anyone has been decontaminated. I order the entire crew to get naked and start rubbing. And don’t come out 'til the ratings improve. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2002, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-enterprise-episode/138017/54 "2002-11-25T20:49:09Z")
Sci-Fi/Porn Director Rick Berman: “And don’t forget, after all the rubbin’, I want to see the money shot.” Bones: “Dammit, Rick! I’m a doctor, not a… Hey wait! I just thought of how funny my nick name is in this post.” Scott Bakula: “Someone call me when this is finished, I’m going on _Celebrity Jeopardy._” ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2002, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-enterprise-episode/138017/55 "2002-11-25T21:00:35Z")
“…and the Enterprise and all her crew were swallowed by a black hole and were never heard from again. Finally.” ---
**Author:** ![Tars\_Tarkas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tars\_Tarkas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tars_Tarkas)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2002, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-enterprise-episode/138017/56 "2002-11-26T00:42:36Z")
Singing Girls: Meanwhile back at the motel… Voice: Coy? This is the Illustrious Potentate. The Illustrious Potentate. Dagnabit Coy, this here’s Bubba. Why weren’t you at the parade? What? How’d you get your Harley up there in your room? Stop revving it up! Coy! You better be at the Secret meeting tonight. And Remember, its a secret! (Hey, do you have a better segue?) ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2002, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-enterprise-episode/138017/57 "2002-11-26T01:23:37Z")
I used to know a girl named Segue… ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2002, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-enterprise-episode/138017/58 "2002-11-26T01:39:03Z")
I once lived in Segue, Tx. No wait, that was Seguine. Grinning wildly, Loki takes the five dollar bill from his father Odin, and proceeds to… Actually, for me, anal sex is more like… The U S Navy needs more nuclear subs because of the proliferation of… **Viva\_\_\_\_wages** you are a f\_\_\_ng s\_\_\_head cow who hasn’t the wit to… And don’t even think of posting in my thread **Tars Tar\_\_\_** … What thread am I in? I’ve got like five windows open… Damn! _just an example of my low brow wit posting on various threads…_ ---
**Author:** ![Tars\_Tarkas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tars\_Tarkas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tars_Tarkas)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2002, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-enterprise-episode/138017/59 "2002-11-26T01:45:20Z")
Life is like a box of SDMB threads. You never know who’s gonna call who a goat feltcher ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2002, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-enterprise-episode/138017/60 "2002-11-26T01:57:44Z")
Goat feltching poll. Do you like it? Done it? Think it’s preverse? * * * Hoshi, sitting on my lap, in my living room, naked, with the fireplace roaring, wine glasses in our hands, Sade on the hi-fi…: “What do you want to do now, Lover?” [giggles] NoClueBoy: “Hmmm. I have no clue.” Space/Time continuum collapses in on itself to remove such blatant stupidity from the Very Mind of God forever… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-enterprise-episode/138017.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-enterprise-episode/138017.md?page=4)