# Write your own Onion headline **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 29, 2010, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919 "2010-01-29T17:50:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/1 "2010-01-29T17:50:44Z")
**Area Mom Does Not Know Secret To White Teeth** _Mother of three unaccountably fails to get rich fast, lose thirty pounds_ **Malleus, Incus, Stapes! Does Not Know Which Forum This Should Go In** \*Confused Doper invites mods to move it wherever \* ---
**Author:** ![Sitnam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Sitnam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sitnam)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/2 "2010-01-29T20:08:22Z")
Stoner Roommate Watching Teletubbies ‘thinks he’s seen this one’ ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Angel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d26b3c/32.png) [@Johnny\_Angel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Angel)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/3 "2010-01-29T21:22:21Z")
Cops Got Nothing on Area Legitimate Businessman Death Blossom Reclassified as “Weapon of First Resort” Lasagna Not Funny, Says Everyone But Jim Davis ---
**Author:** ![fiddlesticks](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fiddlesticks/32/18129_2.png) [@fiddlesticks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fiddlesticks)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/4 "2010-01-29T21:49:49Z")
Bil Keane Killed, Police Searching for ‘Not Me’ ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/5 "2010-01-29T21:53:42Z")
Shoeless cop found stuck in airshaft. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2010, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/6 "2010-01-30T00:07:10Z")
Cable Show Effort Completes Redecoration Of Every House In America Joint Paleontology Study Reports Dinosaurs Were “Just So Fucking Awesome” Dad Starting To Get That Mediciney Old People Smell Visibly Frustrated Obama Asks Americans To Vote For “Go Fuck Yourselves” ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2010, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/7 "2010-01-30T01:07:41Z")
Rejected Bin Laden declares jihad on [eharmony.com](http://eharmony.com) Alien student gets 2nd place for “Earth” project Fundamentalists reject law of gravity; plunges off cliff Guidance counselor mistakenly suggests “prostitute” to local teenager Three blind mice only nearsighted, doctor says ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2010, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/8 "2010-01-30T01:22:07Z")
Malia Obama “One fine-lookin ho’” says new boyfriend ---
**Author:** ![woodstockbirdybird](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/woodstockbirdybird/32/7905_2.png) [@woodstockbirdybird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/woodstockbirdybird)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2010, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/9 "2010-01-30T01:24:33Z")
U.S. Losing War on Drugs - Kissinger Urges Bombing of Cambodia ---
**Author:** ![WarmNPrickly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@WarmNPrickly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WarmNPrickly)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2010, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/10 "2010-01-30T01:28:25Z")
Manfred Mann’s Chris Thompson admits he “misheard the lyrics” ---
**Author:** ![AdmiralCrunch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6f9a4e/32.png) [@AdmiralCrunch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AdmiralCrunch)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2010, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/11 "2010-01-30T02:03:54Z")
**Point/Counterpoint:** Investing in Basic Research Today is the Key to Long-Term Economic Growth vs. Your Grant Request for ‘Sex Robot Research’ has Been Denied. ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2010, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/12 "2010-01-31T02:59:56Z")
NBC Admits Mistakes Made in Late Night Programming “Fallon isn’t funny,” says Zucker. ---
**Author:** ![GameHat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ed655f/32.png) [@GameHat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GameHat)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2010, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/13 "2010-01-31T03:19:40Z")
> [@Johnny\_Angel](#): > > Lasagna Not Funny, Says Everyone But Jim Davis _chuckle_ ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2010, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/14 "2010-01-31T04:01:38Z")
Dead Mouse In Basement Still There Despite Single Woman’s Wish It Would “Just Disappear” ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2010, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/15 "2010-01-31T05:29:03Z")
Straight Female Phys Ed Teacher Charges ‘Discrimination’ ---
**Author:** ![ianzin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ed655f/32.png) [@ianzin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ianzin)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2010, 7:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/16 "2010-01-31T07:46:08Z")
**NBC Execs Achieve Two Beans In A Row, Three "Definitely Achievable"** Obama Unveils 2012 Campaign Slogan: “Because We Thought We Could” **God Inks “Creation 2” Development Deal With James Cameron** Roland Emmerich Announces Copyright Suit Over Haiti News Footage **Dubai Digs World’s Deepest Hole, The "Burj Because We Can, That’s Why"** ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2010, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/17 "2010-01-31T17:16:03Z")
Holocaust denier now not so sure about Leno back at Tonight Show either Muslims to eliminate pork ban from Quran. Says one, “It’s just so fucking delicious!” Supreme Court rules 7-2 in favor of “Naked Fridays”; Ginsburg, Sotomayer dissents 38% of sitcom plots now irrelevant with invention of cell phones, study finds ---
**Author:** ![ianzin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ed655f/32.png) [@ianzin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ianzin)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2010, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/18 "2010-01-31T17:45:53Z")
**Latest Winehouse Newsflash: Performs At Gig, Sings A Few Songs** McCain Latest: Still Thinks He Can Win **Obama Considers Remaking Healthcare Bill In 3D "So it looks more realistic"** China Toughens Stance On Internet Censorship, Bans ‘0’ And ‘1’ **Iraqis Demand Greater Autonomy, More Resources And Answers To Key Plot Points on 'Lost’** ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2010, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/19 "2010-01-31T17:57:14Z")
Headless Bar In Topless Body ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2010, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/20 "2010-01-31T18:54:56Z")
Third Grade Scientists Announce All Vegetables Cause Cancer New “iCan” To Revolutionize Shitting Where The Fuck Are My Fucking Keys, Says Area Man Area Woman Regrets Buying Elderly Parents A Web Cam [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919.md?page=2)