# Write your own Onion headline **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 29, 2010, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919 "2010-01-29T17:50:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![palindromemordnilap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/db5fbb/32.png) [@palindromemordnilap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/palindromemordnilap)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2010, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/21 "2010-01-31T19:11:13Z")
Area Man Thinks Actual Onion Headlines Are Not This Funny ---
**Author:** ![Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapioca_Dextrin)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2010, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/22 "2010-01-31T19:18:55Z")
[Area man arrested for blowing nose while not driving](http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/UK-News/Motorist-Michael-Mancini-Fined-And-Given-Penalty-Notice-For-Blowing-His-Nose-At-Wheel/Article/201001415537450). ---
**Author:** ![Don\_Draper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Don\_Draper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_Draper)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2010, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/23 "2010-01-31T19:37:19Z")
Several years ago, I submitted a few spec article to the Onion for real: **Online Parody Newspaper May Be Losing It’s Edge Thinks Readers** **Area Hipster Learns All Knowledge of Current Events From Online Parody Newpaper.** I never got a response. Not even a “thanks for your interest” form letter. ---
**Author:** ![Lakai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lakai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lakai)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2010, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/24 "2010-01-31T20:15:28Z")
Fraternity member who doesn’t think getting kicked in the nuts is very funny gets kicked in the nuts. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2010, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/25 "2010-01-31T22:14:51Z")
> [@The New and Improved Superman](#): > > I never got a response. Not even a “thanks for your interest” form letter. The Onion’s standing policy, for as long as I can remember, is that they will not accept, or even read, outside submissions. They’re deleted or destroyed immediately upon receipt. The reason should be rather obvious; since they’re often making fun of current events and trends there’s a high likelihood an idea they use will be one many other people came up with. By blanket rejecting all submissions they’re protecting themselves as best they can from lawsuits. (There’s also the fact that 99.999% of such submissions aren’t funny.) ---
**Author:** ![VarlosZ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d78d45/32.png) [@VarlosZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VarlosZ)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2010, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/26 "2010-01-31T22:30:29Z")
_‘Take Back the Night’ March Dispersed by Overwhelmingly Successful ‘We’re Keeping the Night’ Counter-March_ ---
**Author:** ![Sitnam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Sitnam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sitnam)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/27 "2010-02-01T02:26:09Z")
Baby Uttered His First Lie Dog’s Flatulence at Threat Level Orange ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/28 "2010-02-01T02:48:57Z")
National anthem sung with eyes closed, soul UPDATE: Generalissimo Francisco Franco not dead Joe Biden shut out at Grammys again Obama speaks out against suicide, Congressional Republicans respond by killing themselves ---
**Author:** ![LiveOnAPlane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3d9bf3/32.png) [@LiveOnAPlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LiveOnAPlane)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/29 "2010-02-01T13:18:21Z")
I actually came in here to post a few. Then I started reading the submissions. My mind went: “_Rank Amateur Puts His Stuff Up Against The Truly Gifted_.” I think I’ll just go play somewhere else; y’all just carry on… ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/30 "2010-02-01T16:37:05Z")
> [@LiveOnAPlane](#): > > I actually came in here to post a few. Then I started reading the submissions. > > My mind went: “_Rank Amateur Puts His Stuff Up Against The Truly Gifted_.” > > I think I’ll just go play somewhere else; y’all just carry on… Post them anyway! I’m sure they are good 🙂 Tragedy strikes first annual arsonists picnic. Hometown honors supervillain for indirect fame, horror Mosquito who bit child euthanized Coma patient admonishes doctors for waking him up during sex dream Secretive Ninja clan admits Facebook page “a mistake” Hot girl underestimates number of classmates masturbating to her Korean 6th grader solves energy crisis with science project ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/31 "2010-02-01T17:57:55Z")
Vampires take control of Pentagon, White House in bloodless coup ---
**Author:** ![LiveOnAPlane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3d9bf3/32.png) [@LiveOnAPlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LiveOnAPlane)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/32 "2010-02-01T18:06:19Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > Post them anyway! I’m sure they are good 🙂 > … Don’t bet your retirement on that. 😉 But anyway, OK: **World To End at 6 pm; Details Tonight at 9** **First Extraterrestrial Visitors Accidently Eaten By Scientists: “_We thought they were chickens_,” Researcher Says** **President Revealed As Terrorist. US Nuclear Arsenal Missing** **Research Study Proves Masturbation Causes Hair To Grow On Palms** ---
**Author:** ![enomaj](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/59ef9b/32.png) [@enomaj](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enomaj)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/33 "2010-02-01T18:31:24Z")
Houston Rockets fan believes he’s the first to ask Yao Ming, “How’s the weather up there?”. ---
**Author:** ![Sailboat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sailboat/32/461_2.png) [@Sailboat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sailboat)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/34 "2010-02-01T18:39:15Z")
Bank CEO Plans Important Merger, Activates Turn Signal ---
**Author:** ![Don\_Draper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Don\_Draper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_Draper)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/35 "2010-02-01T18:43:53Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > The Onion’s standing policy, for as long as I can remember, is that they will not accept, or even read, outside submissions. They’re deleted or destroyed immediately upon receipt. > > The reason should be rather obvious; since they’re often making fun of current events and trends there’s a high likelihood an idea they use will be one many other people came up with. By blanket rejecting all submissions they’re protecting themselves as best they can from lawsuits. > > (There’s also the fact that 99.999% of such submissions aren’t funny.) If I had even gotten a form letter stating that, I would have been satisfied. Not responding at all is just plain rude! **Yes, Virginia, there IS a bogeyman!** ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/36 "2010-02-01T18:45:44Z")
Snickering NASA announces: “Moon landing? You’re all so gullible!” ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/37 "2010-02-01T18:55:03Z")
Duke Boys Foil Orbison Kidnapping, Outrace Sherriff “I’ll get them Dukes yet, coo coo,” vows Coaltrane. ---
**Author:** ![Staver808](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@Staver808](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Staver808)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/38 "2010-02-01T19:07:50Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > Visibly Frustrated Obama Asks Americans To Vote For “Go Fuck Yourselves” While these are all very funny and clever, this one made me wipe coffee off the screen. Thank god it had cooled off by then. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/39 "2010-02-01T20:57:41Z")
> [@LiveOnAPlane](#): > > Don’t bet your retirement on that. 😉 > > But anyway, OK: > > **World To End at 6 pm; Details Tonight at 9** > > **First Extraterrestrial Visitors Accidently Eaten By Scientists: “_We thought they were chickens_,” Researcher Says** > > **President Revealed As Terrorist. US Nuclear Arsenal Missing** > > **Research Study Proves Masturbation Causes Hair To Grow On Palms** First 2 are excellent! I don’t get the punchline of the last one though 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Shmendrik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Shmendrik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shmendrik)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/40 "2010-02-01T22:24:50Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > Fundamentalists reject law of gravity; plunges off cliff They had this, only better: [Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New ‘Intelligent Falling’ Theory](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39512) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919.md?page=3)