# Write your own Onion headline **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 29, 2010, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919 "2010-01-29T17:50:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![GargoyleWB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gargoylewb/32/199_2.png) [@GargoyleWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GargoyleWB)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/41 "2010-02-01T22:38:25Z")
Exasperated area man issues restraining order against his moonshadow. Checkbook balancing is best done in the express checkout lanes, claims area grandmother, loves the extra attention. ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2010, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/42 "2010-02-01T23:40:07Z")
SDMB themed: Marianas Trench Pilot Lt Walsh Admits Watch Stopped: “It Was Probably Only, Like, Ten Minutes” Area Man Wins Vociferous Debate, Dog Found Burning Plane on Treadmill Trials Inconclusive, Boffins Analysing Results, Rioting ---
**Author:** ![LiveOnAPlane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3d9bf3/32.png) [@LiveOnAPlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LiveOnAPlane)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/43 "2010-02-02T05:08:33Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > First 2 are excellent! I don’t get the punchline of the last one though 😕 Really? In case you’re serious, it’s a play on the old jokes about how playing with yourself will cause hair to grow on your palms – or go blind, I’ve heard that one, too. Thanks for the kind words. (scratch, scratch) Hmm, I need to shave. Hope I can find the damn razor this time… ---
**Author:** ![Trepa\_Mayfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/edb3f5/32.png) [@Trepa\_Mayfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trepa_Mayfield)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/44 "2010-02-02T05:16:12Z")
Internet Celebrity Claims he Owes it All to Jesus ---
**Author:** ![Danimal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bb73d2/32.png) [@Danimal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Danimal)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/45 "2010-02-02T05:33:33Z")
Popes Multiplying Uncontrollably Shepherd Lacks World Enough or Time Pirates Make Unintelligible Demands Untouchables Touched ---
**Author:** ![devilsknew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4da419/32.png) [@devilsknew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/devilsknew)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/46 "2010-02-02T05:35:00Z")
Largest S&M Club in the U.S. Protests Policy of Torture: “Says enough is enough.” ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/47 "2010-02-02T12:19:10Z")
Miss Manners Attends Wrong ‘Tea Party’; Stomped by Angry Mob ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/48 "2010-02-02T13:12:42Z")
> [@pedescribe](#): > > Internet Celebrity Claims he Owes it All to Jesus **Team Fans Conflicted After QB Credits Allah for Superbowl Victory** ---
**Author:** ![Eutychus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Eutychus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eutychus)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/49 "2010-02-02T13:31:48Z")
Republicans blame Obama for groundhog forecast of six more weeks of winter. Bill Engvall to blame for sign shortage. Area man enters third item on list; says “Hi” to Opal. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/50 "2010-02-02T16:16:53Z")
TSA unveils new “No terrorists” policy Study finds ghosts 34% less scary than before Jesus saves! Red Wings win 1-0 Aliens postpone invasion until “Lost” finale Boogeymen come out closets to protest repeated gay jokes Nazis debut cuddly mascot to appeal to new facists ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/51 "2010-02-02T17:13:07Z")
Loggins Does Not Want to Play Godamned Danger Zone. I actually wrote an Onion-style article with that headline. I’ll have to see if I can find it somewhere. ---
**Author:** ![Lakai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lakai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lakai)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/52 "2010-02-02T19:20:07Z")
> [@Gyrate](#): > > **Team Fans Conflicted After QB Credits Allah for Superbowl Victory** Superbowl winning QB smitten after not giving God the credit he deserves. ---
**Author:** ![Trepa\_Mayfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/edb3f5/32.png) [@Trepa\_Mayfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trepa_Mayfield)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/53 "2010-02-02T19:31:32Z")
> [@Lakai](#): > > Superbowl winning QB smitten after not giving God the credit he deserves. Smited, I hope. Unless God fell in love with the QB’s no-nonsense, self-aggrandizing style. ---
**Author:** ![Lakai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lakai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lakai)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/54 "2010-02-02T19:55:50Z")
> [@pedescribe](#): > > Smited, I hope. Unless God fell in love with the QB’s no-nonsense, self-aggrandizing style. Dictionary says it’s [smitten](http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/smitten). I thought it was smited at first too, but apparently not. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/55 "2010-02-02T20:00:23Z")
Cab Driver Has All The Answers Low Rent Strip Mall A Litany Of Blasted Dreams And Broken Hopes Man Sitting In Row Behind Business Class Seething With Class Envy Your Mother Wondering Why You Don’t Call Celtic Singer Screeching About Leprechauns Or Whiskey Or Some Damn Thing, Audience Reports ---
**Author:** ![Trepa\_Mayfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/edb3f5/32.png) [@Trepa\_Mayfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trepa_Mayfield)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/56 "2010-02-02T20:25:26Z")
Obama Secretary Leaks New Initiatives to The Daily Show. Chinese Censorship Causing Massive Plummet in Lolcat Market Hamas to Spend $3.5 Million on Commission for “Moe Anthropomorphization”, says Palestinian Leader. ---
**Author:** ![Rafe\_Hollister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/fbc32d/32.png) [@Rafe\_Hollister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rafe_Hollister)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/57 "2010-02-02T20:54:31Z")
Area Man Claims He Is Not Really From Area ---
**Author:** ![Sitnam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Sitnam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sitnam)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/58 "2010-02-02T22:08:18Z")
> [@LiveOnAPlane](#): > > I actually came in here to post a few. Then I started reading the submissions. > > My mind went: “_Rank Amateur Puts His Stuff Up Against The Truly Gifted_.” > > I think I’ll just go play somewhere else; y’all just carry on… If that title was supposed to be witty, yeah, maybe you should go play somewhere else. ---
**Author:** ![Rack-a-Bones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rack-a-Bones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rack-a-Bones)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2010, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/59 "2010-02-03T04:46:15Z")
> [@Sitnam](#): > > If that title was supposed to be witty, yeah, maybe you should go play somewhere else. Dude. What’s that all about? I just came in to post that y’all are really good at these. Gave me a good laugh today. Thanks! ---
**Author:** ![ch4rl3s](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c4cdca/32.png) [@ch4rl3s](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ch4rl3s)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2010, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/60 "2010-02-03T05:40:23Z")
> [@LiveOnAPlane](#): > > **First Extraterrestrial Visitors Accidently Eaten By Scientists: “_We thought they were chickens_,” Researcher Says** Also, on our companion site, [OnionCooks.com](http://OnionCooks.com): Spicy Alien Gumbo: “tastes like chicken!” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919.md?page=4)