# Write your own Onion headline **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 29, 2010, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919 "2010-01-29T17:50:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2010, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/81 "2010-02-07T19:52:57Z")
Nation mourns tragic death of only ice cream man City planners fired over location of suicide prevention HQ on top floor of skyscraper Therapy helps man discover repressed memories of sexual abuse, lost keys 8 die from hairspray fumes during guido workshop White House demolished after Feng Shui expert predicts misfortune Administrators celebrate most successful Compton school district PTA meeting after only 5 deaths Prison’s Take your Daughter to Work Day marred by violence ---
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2010, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/82 "2010-02-07T20:44:05Z")
(From a year or two ago when the NOAA caught some flak for warning some people that they faced certain death if they did not evacuate) I wanted to suggest the following Onion headline: “NOAA: Certain Death Awaits Them All With Nasty Pointy Teeth” But I forebore. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2010, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/83 "2010-02-08T22:01:03Z")
Lobster scientists work frantically to reverse ‘deliciousness’ curse before banquet Migrating birds admit “We don’t know where the fuck we’re going” Clints Eastwood, Howard team up for buddy comedy Zombie apocalypse and robot uprising bring change to Nielsen viewing habits Pro-wrestling fans actually fake, study finds ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2010, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/84 "2010-02-08T22:25:58Z")
Bush Domestic Drinks Domestic Busch Oreo Lick Races Continue Apace Trix Rabbit Sedated Bush tapped NBC in Negotiations to Televise the Revolution ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2010, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/85 "2010-02-09T00:01:38Z")
SETI Scientists Ordered to Evacuate Station Because “Those Extraterrestrial Radio Signals are Coming From Inside the House!” DNA proves John Edwards is Father of 11th, 15th, and 17th Duggar Babies: “I never met him!” says baffled Mrs. Duggar Mel Gibson Forgives Jews for Vietnam and Desert Storm ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2010, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/86 "2010-02-09T00:51:36Z")
Researchers discover inverse correlation between taste of animal and viability as pets Cubs fans dub Saints win a hoax Alien invasion halted by puppy video Pirate designers decry lack of parrots, hooks in latest trends Sony debuts new, two-dimensional flatscreen TV ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2010, 10:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/87 "2010-02-09T10:52:27Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > Clints Eastwood, Howard team up for buddy comedy That’s so crazy it _just might work_. > [@](#): > > Alien invasion halted by puppy video [On the other hand…](http://pbfcomics.com/?cid=PBF162-Executive_Decision.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![enomaj](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/59ef9b/32.png) [@enomaj](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enomaj)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2010, 11:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/88 "2010-02-09T11:59:33Z")
Vanity Fair features cast of Jersey Shore on cover, asks Blacks if they’re happy now. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/89 "2010-02-10T16:54:49Z")
Disney closes ill-conceived “Diseases of the World” ride Starving man still refuses to eat at Arby’s 3 sidekicks hospitalized with allergic reactions at annual meeting World’s “Eugene’s” die mysteriously in mass suicide pact Surviving “20th Hijacker” gets own reality TV show ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/90 "2010-02-10T18:28:13Z")
Serial Killers irked that “Hollywood always makes us look like a bunch of nuts!” Fox News to launch new White Power Hour- swear the name is not racist but just a pun of the host’s name (Henry Newton) Jonestown site in Guyana to be Setting of New Reality Show ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/91 "2010-02-11T03:08:10Z")
“I am not a god, I am flesh and blood like you” Sean Penn assures Haitians * * * Poll: Americans Evenly Divided Over Whether it is Too Soon to Go Back to Not Giving a Fuck About Haiti Again ================ Archaeologists discover 1500 year old Byzantine road in Jerusalem; “Who knew that if you dig in Jerusalem you’ll find a bunch of ancient shit?” says world. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/92 "2010-02-11T16:51:58Z")
Hotel housekeeper can only speculate ---
**Author:** ![SmellMyWort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SmellMyWort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmellMyWort)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/93 "2010-02-11T17:55:49Z")
(WI and IL dopers will get these) DeKalb Woman “Knows Exactly What the Haitians are Going Through” Midwest Seismologist Prepares for Moment in Spotlight: debates number and color of concentric circles to use on regional map Area lab workers arguing about whose turn it was to replace seismograph ink ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/94 "2010-02-11T18:19:52Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > Archaeologists discover 1500 year old Byzantine road in Jerusalem; “Who knew that if you dig in Jerusalem you’ll find a bunch of ancient shit?” says world. Archaeologists Mystified How Ancient Cultures Used All That Broken Crap ---
**Author:** ![Spiff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiff/32/9852_2.png) [@Spiff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiff)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/95 "2010-02-11T19:19:50Z")
Alien fetus devising exit strategy Google Earth car records own carjacking Xerox salesman claims he gets “more ass than a photocopier” ---
**Author:** ![Amber\_in\_Treasury](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/bc79bd/32.png) [@Amber\_in\_Treasury](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amber_in_Treasury)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/96 "2010-02-11T21:07:21Z")
**Area joiner makes a fortune specializing in luxury closets** Top customers include Larry Craig, Ted Haggard ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/97 "2010-02-11T21:30:29Z")
> [@bup](#): > > Archaeologists Mystified How Ancient Cultures Used All That Broken Crap Reminds me of a David Letterman joke: “Scientists opened a vacuum sealed coffin from the early 19th century this week to test the air in it. They found out the air in the 1840s smelled a lot like dead people.” Shakespearean Scholars Baffled by Discovery of a Previously Unknown But Completely Authenticated 1603 Shakespeare Play- “It’s written on vellum in Renaissance era ink, yet it’s an episode of Three’s Company! Mr. Furley learns he’s Janet’s father and Jack has two dates on the same night!” says Ken Branagh. Rediscovered masterpiece entitled “Vortigern, or ‘The Saxon’s Bride’”. ---
**Author:** ![KennerTheGreat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a8b319/32.png) [@KennerTheGreat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KennerTheGreat)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/98 "2010-02-11T21:58:41Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > (snip)Jonestown site in Guyana to be Setting of New Reality Show(/snip) Shhhh! Don’t give anyone any ideas for Og’s sake! ---
**Author:** ![KennerTheGreat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a8b319/32.png) [@KennerTheGreat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KennerTheGreat)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/99 "2010-02-11T22:03:14Z")
**Scott Brown Promises Not To Filibuster Health Care Debate If President Obama Defeats Him In Three-Point Shooting Contest** ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/100 "2010-02-11T22:22:12Z")
Great thread idea! \*\* Congress Under Fire for Taxpayer-Funded Jowl Implants Area Woman Knocked Up By Husband Maryland Libertarian Party Concedes Public Snow Removal “Not Such a Bad Idea” Area World of Warcraft Player Finally Works Up Courage to Masturbate to Real Women Office Newsletter Detained in Inbox without Charges, Trial\*\* [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919.md?page=6)