# Write your own Onion headline **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 29, 2010, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919 "2010-01-29T17:50:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Amber\_in\_Treasury](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/bc79bd/32.png) [@Amber\_in\_Treasury](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amber_in_Treasury)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/101 "2010-02-11T22:35:41Z")
**Area Teen Repossessed after Parents Fail to Pay Bobby Jindal on Time** ETA–sorry, I just couldn’t resist that one! ---
**Author:** ![koufax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7ea924/32.png) [@koufax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/koufax)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/102 "2010-02-11T23:01:25Z")
NFL considers Pat Sajak’s head for location of new L.A. football stadium. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/103 "2010-02-11T23:39:12Z")
**Laverne and Shirley Cast to Reunite for Dinner Theater Production of DIARY OF ANNE FRANK** **Dubai Announces Plans to Sell QE2- Prince Philip and Terrified Brits Form Human Shield Around Her** - she’s especially terrified of being sold down river **Taylor Lautner Turns 18: Lust Among Adults No Longer Borderline Ephebophilic or Just Icky as of Today** (though fantasies of a three way involving him and Daniel Radcliffe may be) **George H.W. Bush Acknowledges Paternity of Small Connecticut Tribe** **John Mayer to Host NAACP Image Awards** (will leave penis at home, he says) **Jesus Christ Returns to Earth… Sees His Shadow, Ascends Back Into Heaven** ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2010, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/104 "2010-02-12T00:26:52Z")
Sorry it’s kinda Obama-heavy: \*\* Obama Regrets Giving Hillary Clinton New Cell Phone Number After Receiving Fourth Chain Text Message Today Body Rejects Dick Cheney’s New Heart on Principle Harvard Medical School Research Team Still Snickering At the Word “Congenital” Obama Totally Creams Sotomayor in Pickup Game of Hoops Supreme Court Upholds Pontius Palate Ruling Drew Brees to Receive Free Chocolate Brownie Explosion at French Quarter T.G.I. Friday’s Obama Still Refusing to Ride in Back of Limo Debbie on Extended Leave Due to Acute Case of the Mondays\*\* ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2010, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/105 "2010-02-12T04:06:17Z")
Project Gantt Chart Tells A Vile History Of Treachery And Lies 5-Month-Old Cell Phone Inadequate The One Chick At The Place Was Just Like, Fuck, You Know Study: Mimes Make Lots Of Noise When Set On Fire **Point-Counterpoint:** Who’s A Cute Little Kitty? Who’s A Cute Wittle Kitty-Witty? Is it You? _By Carla Asper, Cat Owner_ vs I Am Profoundly Ashamed And Humiliated By My Owner’s Juvenile Nonsense _By Pickles the Cat_ ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2010, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/106 "2010-02-12T04:23:24Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > Project Gantt Chart Tells A Vile History Of Treachery And Lies _applause_ ---
**Author:** ![koufax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7ea924/32.png) [@koufax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/koufax)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2010, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/107 "2010-02-12T04:23:43Z")
Dewey Decimal System declared unconstitutional by High Court. ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2010, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/108 "2010-02-12T17:37:21Z")
\*\*Demon-Slaying Child Says He Got Idea from Video Game Kobe Bryant Humiliated That He and Teammate Wearing Same Thing to Game Zach Galifianakis Still Not Getting Laid Despite New-Found Fame War In Iraq Surpasses Vietnam War in Vietnam War References Meryl Streep Still “Totally Doable”, New Study Finds Area Asshole Wearing Asshole Sunglasses \*\* ---
**Author:** ![sparky\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/77aa72/32.png) [@sparky\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sparky_1)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2010, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/109 "2010-02-12T18:00:19Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > Study: Mimes Make Lots Of Noise When Set On Fire That one is good! ---
**Author:** ![alsoknownas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ba9def/32.png) [@alsoknownas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alsoknownas)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2010, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/110 "2010-03-15T17:25:56Z")
**Man opposed to taxes refuses hospital admission, dies.** **Football declared 'the one where your foot actually touches a ball’** **Man finds ‘significant, worthwhile use’ for ipad** **NASCAR racer takes wrong turn, disastrous results** ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/111 "2010-03-16T02:08:06Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > Dalai Lama Restored to Power by Success of State College’s ‘Free Tibet’ Group’s Car Wash Save The Children has real saved children on display in the Union for the next two weeks. ---
**Author:** ![Meeko](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e495f1/32.png) [@Meeko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meeko)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 9:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/112 "2010-03-16T09:45:44Z")
**50 Years Later, America Decides “Internet” Worthwhile.** Oh, you mean it has to be a parody? :smack: ---
**Author:** ![davekhps](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a5b964/32.png) [@davekhps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/davekhps)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2010, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/113 "2010-04-06T13:28:48Z")
**British Muslims Fear Repercussions Over Tomorrow’s Train Bombing.** (can’t claim credit, saw that one before…) ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2010, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/114 "2010-04-06T13:50:09Z")
Nashville Scene Readers’ Poll selects Potholes as biggest improvement to traffic flow issues: drivers forced to pick a lane and stay in it. ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2010, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/115 "2010-04-06T15:35:58Z")
\*\*Hamas Protests Israeli Plans to Build New Disneyland on West Bank Area Catholic Priest Mildly Uncomfortable Purchasing Apple iTouch Emoticon Overused\*\* > [@davekhps](#): > > **British Muslims Fear Repercussions Over Tomorrow’s Train Bombing.** > > (can’t claim credit, saw that one before…) Ether way, that’s good! Real good. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2010, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/116 "2010-04-06T15:48:18Z")
Yankees purchase Dominican Republic as farm league Increasing demands of 4D films rips hole in fabric of space-time Cannibals open fast food restaurant next to morgue Technophobic elderly immune to robot uprising ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2010, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/117 "2010-04-06T16:39:46Z")
**Thousands of Cattle Disapear from Iowa Farmlands McDonald’s offers 39 Cent Cheeseburgers** ---
**Author:** ![Lakai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lakai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lakai)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2010, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/118 "2010-04-06T17:56:17Z")
Nation’s fathers sigh, say health care law could have been better, but they’re proud of it anyway. After complicated health care and the finical crisis, voters say they don’'t feel like learning about the upcoming global warming crisis. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2010, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/119 "2010-04-06T18:27:15Z")
**Your Mom Was Good Last Night** **Trespassers Violated** ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/120 "2010-04-09T21:00:19Z")
_ **Iceland and Greenland Finally Switch Names** _ _After centuries, a pact between them restores common sense in naming islands._ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919.md?page=7)