# Write your own Onion headline **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 29, 2010, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919 "2010-01-29T17:50:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2010, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/121 "2010-04-13T17:12:06Z")
Maligned Republican party hopes to reverse fortunes through November Congressman draft picks “Dogs not colorblind”, scientists say, “just less racist than humans” **Nation’s pedophiles denounce Catholic Church for negative image of pedophiles** _“Imagine where we would be if people didn’t judge us by the actions of a few individuals”, one pedophile said_ **Tokyo citizens rampage through ant colony** _“It feels good to be on the other side for once”, said one Tokyo man kicking over an anthill_ Apple announces work on new, unnamed, future robot overlord ---
**Author:** ![enomaj](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/59ef9b/32.png) [@enomaj](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enomaj)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2010, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/122 "2010-04-14T12:57:32Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > Apple announces work on new, unnamed, future robot overlord iZod Black woman makes it past second round in The Bachelor, gets parade. Samuel Jackson declares bankruptcy 3 months after his kids start a cuss jar. Tiger Woods loses the Masters. At loss for how to console himself. ---
**Author:** ![Snowboarder\_Bo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowboarder_bo/32/229_2.png) [@Snowboarder\_Bo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snowboarder_Bo)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2010, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/123 "2010-04-14T17:37:36Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > Fundamentalists reject law of gravity; plunges off cliff they did this, actually (sort of) [Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New ‘Intelligent Falling’ Theory](http://www.theonion.com/articles/evangelical-scientists-refute-gravity-with-new-int,1778/)? ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2010, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/124 "2010-04-14T18:58:10Z")
> [@Snowboarder\_Bo](#): > > they did this, actually (sort of) > > [Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New ‘Intelligent Falling’ Theory](http://www.theonion.com/articles/evangelical-scientists-refute-gravity-with-new-int,1778/)? See post #40 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2010, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/125 "2010-05-31T13:32:58Z")
Sometimes, they write themselves: [Woman Sues Google for Bad Directions](http://www.pcworld.com/article/197618/Google_Maps_Error.html?tk=rss_news) > [@](#): > > She looked up the walking directions using Google Maps on her Blackberry. Google Maps suggested a route that included a half-mile walk down “Deer Valley Drive,” which is also known as “Utah State Route 224.” > > There’s not much more to say–she started walking down the middle of a highway, and a car hit her. Who wouldn’t have seen that one coming? ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2010, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/126 "2010-05-31T14:34:26Z")
**New Experiment Re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-confirms General Relativity.** **Supreme Court ruling stirs some shit up.** ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2010, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/127 "2010-05-31T17:19:14Z")
**Archbishop of Canterbury Condemns Ordination of Lesbian Anglican Priest: “Holy Christ, we still have an Archbishop of Canterbury?” ask Brits** **Pope Benedict XVI Challenges Pat Robertson to ‘Winner Take All’ Gladiator Event for Each Other’s Followers** **Gary Coleman’s Heartbroken Parents Ask That His Remains Be Stuffed and Displayed for $4 Per Person on County Fair Circuit Because 'It’s What He Would Have Wanted…'** ---
**Author:** ![Nature\_s\_Call](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nature_s_call/32/19006_2.png) [@Nature\_s\_Call](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nature_s_Call)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2010, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/128 "2010-06-01T19:17:34Z")
**Roget includes “are like” as synonym for “said.” Area teens are like "Whatever"** ---
**Author:** ![OneChance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/74df32/32.png) [@OneChance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneChance)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2010, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/129 "2010-06-01T19:55:45Z")
**Area man claims to know difference between “seen” and "saw"** ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/130 "2010-06-02T01:50:13Z")
**"FotherMucker!" says Palin as house on other side is leased to Kathy Griffin** ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/131 "2010-06-02T02:38:12Z")
> [@enomaj](#): > > iZod **New device will ship with once-stylish-but-now-outdated pastel coloured carrying case.** **iZod logo, in a departure from normal Apple iconography, will be a small embroidered alligator, longtime Apple fans are perturbed by this development “It’s the Newton all over again” they are heard to cry.** ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/132 "2010-06-02T02:42:58Z")
**Yahweh changes name to iAM to appeal to Apple users; serpent files infringement suit** ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 9:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/133 "2010-06-02T09:30:52Z")
**Palin Announces Candidacy for 2011 Presidential Election** _“I can see voting thing-a-ma-bob from house,” says Palin._ \*\* Pope Volunteers as Boy Scout Troop Leader\*\* _Encourages non-ordained Catholics to help the community, clean up church image_ **January: Jesus Arrested at School Shooting, 3 Biology Teachers Killed** _Authorities apprehend Jesus after 3 hour freeway chase_ February: **Texas Circuit Court Gives Jesus the Death Penalty** _Award ceremony from Board of Education will occur shortly beforehand_ March: **Resurrected Jesus Immediately Deported by Texas Border Patrol** _Will not face additional charges for trying to bribe ICE officers with wine_ Point/Counterpoint: **Religious Fanatic Who Doesn’t Believe in Evolution vs 2-year-old Who Doesn’t Believe in Pooping in Toilets** Statshot: _Things more likely to happen than the Rams winning the Superbowl in '11_ \*\* Al and Tipper Gore Breakup Caused by Refusal to Wife-Swap with Clintons\*\* _“I…I just couldn’t do it,” says vomit-covered Al Gore_ \*\* Tennis Star Thanks God and Jesus for Career-Ending Injury to Opponent\*\* **Democratic Gubernatorial Candidate Shot 547 Times in Yet Another Hunting Accident with Dick Cheney** _“What are the odds?” says Cheney_ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 9:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/134 "2010-06-02T09:37:25Z")
One for my SDMB homey’s: **New Study Shows 89% of SDMB Posts Are Actually Passive-Aggressive Insults Disguised as "Grammar Correction"** _“Cite?” says user_ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 9:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/135 "2010-06-02T09:49:15Z")
**New Software Allows iTunes, iTouch, iPod, iPad and iPhone to Become iVoltron** _“Eat shit and die,” says Motorola_ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 9:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/136 "2010-06-02T09:53:54Z")
**Dollar Menu Price War Claims Taco Bell, Wendy’s** ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 10:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/137 "2010-06-02T10:54:48Z")
\*\*Chinese Man Accidentally Stabs 12 at Beijing Elementary School \*\* _“I just wanted to kill my kid,” says man, “But I can’t tell them apart.”_ ---
**Author:** ![Surbey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4491bb/32.png) [@Surbey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Surbey)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/138 "2010-06-02T17:34:54Z")
**Local Stalker Finds Facebook’s New Privacy Setting "Cumbersome and hard to get around."** ---
**Author:** ![Surbey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4491bb/32.png) [@Surbey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Surbey)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/139 "2010-06-02T17:37:28Z")
**Gary Coleman Dead, 42, Never Told What Willis Was Talking About; Nation Mourns.** ---
**Author:** ![Surbey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4491bb/32.png) [@Surbey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Surbey)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/140 "2010-06-02T17:50:01Z")
Local Man Believes Embryonic Research Goes “Against the Laws of Nature” but Hopes Medical Science Can Cure Erectile Dysfunction. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919.md?page=8)