# Write your own Onion headline **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 29, 2010, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919 "2010-01-29T17:50:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Sailboat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sailboat/32/461_2.png) [@Sailboat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sailboat)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/141 "2010-06-02T17:54:15Z")
**Arizona Police Accost Rock Band: "Bus Said ‘Foreigner’ Right on the Side"** ---
**Author:** ![HepToTheJive](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/7bcc69/32.png) [@HepToTheJive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HepToTheJive)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2010, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/142 "2010-06-02T21:57:16Z")
Area Teen Considers Starting a Band _“I think we could really have something here.”_ Joneses Tired Of Being “Kept Up With.” **Local Man Thinks He Can Probably "Win a little money in vegas…"** Area Couple “Tries Something New” For Take-out **Opening Band “Pretty Good” Says Concert-Goer _"Yeah, they weren’t bad."_** ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2010, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/143 "2010-06-03T06:04:00Z")
**65% of ObamaCare Protesters on Medicaid, Medicare or Welfare** _Signs read, “Keep government out of our lives!”_ **Glenn Beck Upset at Criticism** _“My wife said my voice was too soft,” sobbed Beck_ **Fox News Meets with Tea Party for the First Time** _“Who are these guys? When did this start?” says Shawn Hannity_ **D.C. Police Discover Bruised and Battered HealthCare Bill Dumped in Alley** _Early reports indicate “Deliverance”-style assault_ **Dave Chappelle Quits in Middle of Teeth Cleaning, Goes to South Africa** _“I just couldn’t take it anymore,” says comedian_ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2010, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/144 "2010-06-03T06:24:17Z")
**Chuck Norris Receives Paper Cut at “Chuck Norris Jokes” Book Signing** _“MOTHERFUCKA,” says Norris, who was treated at the scene_ **50.45% of Internet Now Comprised of LOLcats** _CeilingCat unamused._ **German Porn Industry Declares Unconditional Surrender to Japanese Porn Industry** _“Air Blowjob just blew us away,” says spokesman, “How can you compete with that?”_ ---
**Author:** ![ianzin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ed655f/32.png) [@ianzin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ianzin)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2010, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/145 "2010-06-03T12:12:36Z")
**Latest BP Oil Leak Plan: Ritual Sacrifice of Lady Gaga to Summon Poseidon**. ‘Most realistic plan yet’ say experts. ‘Worth a shot’ say music fans. ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2010, 12:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/146 "2010-06-03T12:28:56Z")
**Dream of Ditchdigging Job Eludes High School Dropout** ---
**Author:** ![sohvan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/96bed5/32.png) [@sohvan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sohvan)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2010, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/147 "2010-06-03T12:42:29Z")
\*\*Acupuncturist pricks holes in rape conviction \*\* Three men who spent nearly a decade in prison on rape charges were freed after an acupuncturist determined that they were virgins. No, wait. That was a [real headline](http://www.timeslive.co.za/world/article466250.ece/Acupuncturist-pricks-holes-in-rape-conviction) that could just as well be from the Onion. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2010, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/148 "2010-06-03T14:35:48Z")
**Most Youtube users still not persuaded to Smell Their Own Breath, despite encouragement to do so** ---
**Author:** ![Nature\_s\_Call](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nature_s_call/32/19006_2.png) [@Nature\_s\_Call](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nature_s_Call)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2010, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/149 "2010-06-03T14:59:25Z")
Film at 11 is actually videotape, study finds. ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 7:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/150 "2010-06-04T07:12:47Z")
**Man Tries to Add More Zen to Zen Garden** _“Assholes sold me an empty bag,” says man_ **Area Ho’s Demand Union** _Key issue: unfair “bottom bitch” promotion_ **Revolutionary New Laptop Comes With Desk** _“The days of superheated testicles are over,” declares CEO_ \*\*Area Man Insists Alcohol Not Involved with Anus Injury Oscar Meyer’s Weiner Comes in Aunt Jemimah\*\* _CEO shocked at viral Internet video popularity, yet low sales_ ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 7:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/151 "2010-06-04T07:50:44Z")
**Obama Promises Daughter to Any Man Who Can Fix the Oil Spill; Blind Seer Worried that Words May Come Back to Haunt Him** **Joran Van Der Sloot Arrested in Chile While Disguised as Good Twin Brother Boran Van Der Sloot** ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2010, 8:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/152 "2010-06-05T08:01:51Z")
**The Inventor of iFart Mystified by New Shrek Film** _“I don’t get the jokes,” he says_ **Indians Finally Told What Condoms are For** _“We were wondering why the Red Cross was handing out rubber socks one at a time,” says Indian_ **US Schools Overtake Spain and Latvia for Sole Possession of 24th Place in Math, Reading and Science Internationally** _“What does ‘latvia’ mean?” says teen_ **Britney Spears Upskirt Photo Sells for $1 Million** _Only known photo of Spears wearing underwear auctioned at Sotheby’s_ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2010, 9:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/153 "2010-06-05T09:56:47Z")
**George W. Bush Somehow Discovers the Cure for Cancer** _“After eliminating dumb luck, accident, or theft, we think aliens gave it to him,” say baffled scientific community_ **Hawaii now 2nd Largest Producer of Cheap Crap that Says “Hawaii” on it** _China still leads with 98% of market share_ **New Magazine Aimed at Illiterates in Bankruptcy after First Issue** _“It seemed like such a good idea at the time,” says the editor-in-chief of the nameless magazine_ **Powdered Water Takes Stupid People by Storm** _Just add filtered or bottled water and shake well_ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2010, 10:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/154 "2010-06-05T10:20:59Z")
**Bestiality, Porn, Booze, Anal Sex, and Tea Bagging No Longer Sins by Papal Decree** _Abortion doesn’t make cut in latest move to increase Catholic membership_ **Dog-Eating Koreans Mocked by Horse-, Dolphin- and Whale-Eating Japanese** _“Barbarians,” says Japanese man between bites of humpback sushi_ ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/155 "2010-07-14T04:41:05Z")
Elizabeth II visits Canada _“We still have a queen?” startled Canadians ask_ IPhone 4 to be technological savior _Church officials meet to discuss implications_ ---
**Author:** ![SantaMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/da6949/32.png) [@SantaMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SantaMan)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/156 "2010-07-14T22:20:35Z")
**Ignorance Fought** _…refuses to admit defeat_ ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2010, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/157 "2010-07-16T12:49:25Z")
nm ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2010, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/158 "2010-08-09T21:21:37Z")
**PETA Says Slang Term “Dust Bunny” is Hurtful and Racist** _Group proposes “Dust Republican” as a better description for clumps of dust under furniture_ ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2011, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/159 "2011-12-26T16:48:57Z")
Not enough Jesus, protesters say. ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2011, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919/160 "2011-12-26T18:57:58Z")
**Teen Arrested for bringing Gunn to school.** Michael Gunn, age 15, was looking forward to starting his first day of high school, only to be arrested for bringing a “gunn” to school, in violation of the school’s zero-tolerance weapons policy. Said Principal Ima Dumphuch “School policy is to ban anything that is, might be, could be mistaken for, or is reminiscent of, a deadly weapon.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headline/526919.md?page=9)