# Write your own Onion headlines: Election edition **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 30, 2016, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines-election-edition/770210 "2016-10-30T23:48:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2016, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines-election-edition/770210/1 "2016-10-30T23:48:22Z")
\*\*Ivanka Trump casually begins introducing herself using married name Cheesecake Factory waiter who’s correctly called every presidential election since 2012 predicts Johnson win Holy Bible editorial board endorsement: Clinton is the safe, rational choice Clinton reflects on campaign: ‘Should’ve had contract with Satan looked at before signing’ From the campaign trail: Trump skullfucks baby seal, lauds FBI director in Dayton\*\* ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2016, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines-election-edition/770210/2 "2016-10-31T16:20:08Z")
\*\*Trump, Duterte and Jong-Un revealed to be members of The Brotherhood of Spite Vince Foster’s ghost summoned by Karl Rove to testify at FBI hearing Cigar sales increase in anticipation of Bill Clinton’s new class of interns\*\* ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2016, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines-election-edition/770210/3 "2016-10-31T16:25:38Z")
**Trump denies ever having run for POTUS.** ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2016, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines-election-edition/770210/4 "2016-10-31T16:28:54Z")
This might not be quite an Onion style headline, since it’s mostly true, but I came up with the following the other day: **FBI Gleaner: Wiener’s Misdemeanor an Election Intervenor!** ---
**Author:** ![Navigator66](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/43a26b/32.png) [@Navigator66](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Navigator66)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2016, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines-election-edition/770210/5 "2016-10-31T17:54:15Z")
Trump really a Democrat. His false flag mission: Destroy the Republican Party. Clinton Foundation will take care of his financial problems. President Hillary Clinton to appoint “The Donald” as ambassador to Russia. Putin calls foul. ---
**Author:** ![Riemann](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/riemann/32/3133_2.png) [@Riemann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Riemann)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2016, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines-election-edition/770210/6 "2016-10-31T18:02:29Z")
> [@Navigator66](#): > > Trump really a Democrat. His false flag mission: Destroy the Republican Party. I seem to recall that this was a semi-serious suggestion when he first appeared, that he was basically trolling? (In retrospect, not at all consistent with his personality, of course.) ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2016, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines-election-edition/770210/7 "2016-10-31T18:15:27Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > **Trump denies ever having run for POTUS.** This is actually going to happen. Watch. ---
**Author:** ![Fotheringay-Phipps](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/d9b06d/32.png) [@Fotheringay-Phipps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fotheringay-Phipps)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2016, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines-election-edition/770210/8 "2016-10-31T19:12:03Z")
Local Man Tired of Hearing About Johnson and Stein Campaigns Trump Says If He Loses it Will Be the “Biggest Loss Ever!!!” Clinton Campaign Promise: “I will Never Use Email Ever Again” Media Rigging Election to Produce Extended “Contested Election” Saga Trump to Rename Washington Monument “Trump Monument”: Promises Increased Tourist Visits Clinton Challenges Trump to Footrace, Possible Armwrestle Trump Donates Hair to Sick Child With Cancer 78% of Americans Prefer Kardashian Over Both Clinton and Trump ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2016, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines-election-edition/770210/9 "2016-10-31T20:48:17Z")
Trump accepts outcome of election, demands recount Trump selects Bill Clinton as new head of Miss Universe pageant ---
**Author:** ![Riemann](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/riemann/32/3133_2.png) [@Riemann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Riemann)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2016, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines-election-edition/770210/10 "2016-10-31T20:56:27Z")
> [@Fotheringay-Phipps](#): > > Clinton Campaign Promise: “I will Never Use Email Ever Again” NSA tasked with developing secure messaging protocol for President Clinton via Snapchat. ---
**Author:** ![Memnon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f1d935/32.png) [@Memnon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Memnon)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2016, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines-election-edition/770210/11 "2016-10-31T22:06:03Z")
**Guy responsible for keeping Paul Ryan abreast of Trump gaffes brutally murdered by Paul Ryan** **Ethical shopper: Eric Trump on why he only buys free-range homeless to bludgeon during Purge.** **Everything Gold Now.** **Trumpton Fire Brigade Targeted by Flack Lives Matter** **Election Cancelled as independent study shows American People not worth governing - “Just stick 'em in front of the TV” say researchers** ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2016, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines-election-edition/770210/12 "2016-11-01T03:05:42Z")
**Weiner just glad to be making headlines again** \*\*Hillary begins screening list of male White House intern applications \*\* ---
**Author:** ![Randolph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Randolph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Randolph)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2016, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines-election-edition/770210/13 "2016-11-01T03:47:16Z")
Not quite Onion flavor, but: **Trump Candidacy Reminds Us that While Anybody Can Vote, Not Everybody Should** ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2016, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines-election-edition/770210/14 "2016-11-01T12:49:46Z")
**Jill Stein Wants National Conversation On Oppressive Comedians** Oops, that’s [a real one.](http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2016/10/jill-stein-wants-national-conversation-on-oppressive-comedians/) ---
**Author:** ![Claude\_Remains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@Claude\_Remains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claude_Remains)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2016, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines-election-edition/770210/15 "2016-11-02T01:32:53Z")
TRUMP ran in order to secure Clinton. ---
**Author:** ![Ulf\_the\_Unwashed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Ulf\_the\_Unwashed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulf_the_Unwashed)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2016, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines-election-edition/770210/16 "2016-11-02T02:40:17Z")
> [@Jackmannii](#): > > **Jill Stein Wants National Conversation On Oppressive Comedians** > > Oops, that’s [a real one.](http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2016/10/jill-stein-wants-national-conversation-on-oppressive-comedians/) Oh, for heavens sakes… What a maroon. ---
**Author:** ![El\_Famous\_Burrito](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_famous_burrito/32/3954_2.png) [@El\_Famous\_Burrito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Famous_Burrito)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2016, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines-election-edition/770210/17 "2016-11-02T05:00:51Z")
> [@Happy\_Lendervedder](#): > > Ivanka Trump casually begins introducing herself using married name > > Cheesecake Factory waiter who’s correctly called every presidential election since 2012 predicts Johnson win > [@Memnon](#): > > Guy responsible for keeping Paul Ryan abreast of Trump gaffes brutally murdered by Paul Ryan Well done with the above! I think they capture the style and humor of America’s Finest News Source™ quite well. My contribution: **Reanimated Corpse of William Jennings Bryan Asks Voters, “Are You Better Off Today Than You Were 124 Years Ago?”** I acknowledge that this would work better in an election year with 1) a President running for reelection and 2) more, um, traditional political dynamics (so… in four years?). ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2016, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines-election-edition/770210/18 "2016-11-02T15:58:18Z")
Real life keeps generating better headlines than the Onion. **[Dem’s attempt to clone dead son not an issue in WVa race](http://www.wpsdlocal6.com/story/33548423/dems-attempt-to-clone-dead-son-not-an-issue-in-wva-race)** ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2016, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines-election-edition/770210/19 "2016-11-02T17:00:19Z")
**Trump Wins!** : Obama orders electoral college arrested. **Hillary Wins!** : Trump calls on Americans to assassinate electoral college. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2016, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines-election-edition/770210/20 "2016-11-02T17:32:38Z")
Though this election has already given us real headlines worse than any imagined ones, here are my attempts anyway: Donald Trump banishes Tiffany Trump to Phantom Zone Trump tours elementary school for potential future wives Gary Johnson unable to name country he’s running for president in Jill Stein using dowsing wand to find undecided voters Marco Rubio retreats inside cocoon until 2020 election House GOP subpoena’s Clinton’s Netflix queue Fox News accuses Obama of anti-Catholic bias after [picture surfaces on internet](http://i.imgur.com/M0OIzbj.jpg)