# Write your own Onion headlines **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 17, 2013, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines/671516 "2013-10-17T19:10:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2013, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines/671516/1 "2013-10-17T19:10:28Z")
**Ted Cruz kicks off 2016 presidential campaign loss** **Two-year-old obsessed with how she’s ‘so big,’ ruins dinner third night in a row** **Queen’s daily schedule mostly consists of just lying back, thinking of England** ---
**Author:** ![TheSeaOtter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ed655f/32.png) [@TheSeaOtter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheSeaOtter)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2013, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines/671516/2 "2013-10-17T19:22:29Z")
**Man survives failed execution, Iran will try again ‘once medical staff confirm his health condition is good enough.’** **Biggie Smalls Too Fat to Have Corner Named For Him, Committee Member Says** **Jealous Saudi husband divorces wife after seeing photo of her kissing horse** **Fifty Shades of Grey Actor Quits Movie after Reading Fifty Shades of Grey** Ah, oops. It appears that all of those are [real news headlines.](http://www.reddit.com/r/nottheonion/top/) My mistake. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2013, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines/671516/3 "2013-10-17T19:35:48Z")
Is there a version of Poe’s Law that covers _Onion_ headlines and those of real life? ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2013, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines/671516/4 "2013-10-17T19:59:37Z")
**_’Whore, June 2008-November 2010’_ omitted from resume** **Man unsuccessfully attempts to avoid eye with pantsless Joe Biden on Amtrak** **Hipster un-ironically misuses 'ironically’** ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines/671516/5 "2013-10-22T20:18:29Z")
\*\*\*Dead Soldier Surprises Daughter at Pep Rally Old Man Remembers Where Everything Used to Never Be Ultimate Fighting Pretty Much Like Fighting\*\*\* ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines/671516/6 "2013-10-22T21:35:20Z")
Abandoned by Republicans, Marco Rubio found in woods naked and living with family of wolves ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2013, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines/671516/7 "2013-10-22T23:40:51Z")
\*\*Area Dad Winning Monopoly Game Being a Total Prick About It Two Hour Poetry Slam Contains No Poetry Third Grade Scientists Report All Vegetables Cause Cancer Brooklyn-Based Software Developer Releases New App “Angry Boids”\*\* And one I’ve used before: **Project’s Gantt Chart A Vile History Of Treachery and Lies** ---
**Author:** ![seal\_cleaner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@seal\_cleaner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/seal_cleaner)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2013, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines/671516/8 "2013-10-23T02:02:01Z")
After the Texas A&M bonfire tragedy - “Stix Nix Hix” ---
**Author:** ![stpauler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@stpauler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stpauler)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2013, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines/671516/9 "2013-10-23T02:05:30Z")
Flo Rida to team up with Rusted Root to create a song to be used in all future advertising. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2013, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines/671516/10 "2013-10-23T02:18:14Z")
**Republican Senators resign after government shutdown fails to accomplish anything.** “I’m so sorry…” one was quoted as saying. “I had no idea it would cost so much money…” ---
**Author:** ![Digital\_is\_the\_new\_Analog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a88e4f/32.png) [@Digital\_is\_the\_new\_Analog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Digital_is_the_new_Analog)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2013, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines/671516/11 "2013-10-23T03:06:10Z")
**Toppled Boulder Files For Disability** ---
**Author:** ![Colophon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f05b48/32.png) [@Colophon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colophon)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2013, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines/671516/12 "2013-10-23T13:21:17Z")
**Man Decides Against Moving to Area After Reading Local Newspaper** **Browser History Tops Family Meeting Agenda** Edit: > [@RickJay](#): > > Area Dad Winning Monopoly Game Being a Total Prick About It I’m sure I’ve read that article! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![JWT\_Kottekoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/3ec8ea/32.png) [@JWT\_Kottekoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JWT_Kottekoe)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2013, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines/671516/13 "2013-10-24T03:59:08Z")
New hope for the dead ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2013, 6:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-onion-headlines/671516/14 "2013-10-24T06:29:00Z")
\*\*Area Scientist Discovers Evidence of Water Spilled on Living Room Floor Biden Discovered to Be Drunken Area Hobo in a Biden Suit Since 2011 Congressional Budget Super Committee Discovers They Do Not Actually Have Super Powers \*\*