# Write your own worst opening to a story **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 10, 2002, 7:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-worst-opening-to-a-story/113211 "2002-06-10T07:16:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2002, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-worst-opening-to-a-story/113211/41 "2002-06-14T05:36:34Z")
The hack author sat at his computer, staring at the opening lines of his newest novel. “What should I write about?” he mused, as he stared at the pen, coffee cup and Buffy the Vampire Slayer mousepad that sat on his desk. It was then that inspiration struck: he’d write about writing a novel! ---
**Author:** ![Peanuthead](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peanuthead/32/360_2.png) [@Peanuthead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peanuthead)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2002, 7:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-worst-opening-to-a-story/113211/42 "2002-06-14T07:12:27Z")
There once was a man from Nantuckette. ---
**Author:** ![Atreyu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@Atreyu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atreyu)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2002, 7:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-worst-opening-to-a-story/113211/43 "2002-06-14T07:48:47Z")
The turgid clouds in the sunset sky threatened the plains below with their moist payload. ---
**Author:** ![Dhuwhap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/898d66/32.png) [@Dhuwhap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dhuwhap)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2002, 11:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-worst-opening-to-a-story/113211/44 "2002-06-14T11:22:29Z")
Tony pondered the phallic consequences of the sausages browning over the gas range. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2002, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-worst-opening-to-a-story/113211/45 "2002-06-14T12:46:09Z")
You may mock me, or turn away with an eye roll and a shake of the head, but that only proves that you know nothing of the fast-paced, dynamic life of an insurance adjuster. I was at my desk wrestling with a stack of P/42-A5(a)'s, unendorsed, when the phone rang. You guessed it - it was Marsha the receptionist. My lunch had just been delivered. ---
**Author:** ![Go\_alien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9d8465/32.png) [@Go\_alien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Go_alien)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2002, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-worst-opening-to-a-story/113211/46 "2002-06-14T15:36:58Z")
Deep beneath the Channel, cancerous crustaceans convened, cunningly contemplating cataclysmic cruelties to an incognisant Kentish community. King Crab, blood stained claws a-quiver with anticipation at oncoming feast, summoned his willing army for their next orders. But, even as the multitudinous tentacles and assorted claws prepared, King Crab was struck rigid. There was a curious tearing sound from his back. Then even more horrific than the sight of a colossal Cancerian creature, a putrid, pestilential pedipalp protruded portentously from the crab’s back. A creature slimed out, an unearthly collection of tentacles, nodules and gonads. There was a chorus of tearing sounds around the cavern as each crab opened to expose a similar nightmare. Soon the cavern echoed to the sound of slithering, slapping sex-organs as the creatures went into a frenzy of alien lust. ---
**Author:** ![Journeyman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/779978/32.png) [@Journeyman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Journeyman)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2002, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-worst-opening-to-a-story/113211/47 "2002-06-14T18:33:25Z")
It was green. ---
**Author:** ![Bob\_Scene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e19adc/32.png) [@Bob\_Scene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bob_Scene)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2002, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-worst-opening-to-a-story/113211/48 "2002-06-15T04:54:49Z")
_A Elbereth Gilthoniel!_ moaned Galadriel breathlessly as my stumpy thumbs parted her radiant golden pubic hair and my hungry tongue explored every crevice of her ambrosia-scented Elvish womanhood. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2002, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-worst-opening-to-a-story/113211/49 "2002-06-15T05:06:23Z")
A Complete History of the Earth Chapter One In the beginning, the Earth was barren and lifeless. And then, one day … the earth was still barren and lifeless. It was barren and lifeless the next day as well. Barren and lifeless was pretty much the way the earth could be described the following week also. The creation of life by the random mixing of chemical compounds is a process that can take millions of years. So it’s not surprising the earth was still barren and lifeless several hours later. And when several more hours had passed it remained so. As it did the rest of that evening and into the night. Dawn was not witnessed by any life that day. Nor the next. The following day there were a few random chemical reactions, but nothing came of it, really. There weren’t any chemical reactions the next day. A week later the earth was still barren. And lifeless. And barren. Barren and lifeless. Lifeless and barren. Nothing much happened the week after that. It rained the next day. Actually, it rained pretty much every day. Maybe I should have mentioned that earlier. Rain, rain, rain, lots of rain. But no life though. Checking in a month later, the earth was barren and lifeless. The next day was like that too. ---
**Author:** ![Emperor\_Penguin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c2a13f/32.png) [@Emperor\_Penguin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emperor_Penguin)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2002, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-worst-opening-to-a-story/113211/50 "2002-06-15T05:26:09Z")
“So that’s why you don’t put an egg in the microwave”, Hector mused. “Now let’s see why they say that about hampsters”. [sub]\*Minor note: I do not advocate putting eggs or hampsters into microwaves for fun and/or profit. Although, putting hampsters into eggs can, and does, provide hours of entertainment [/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2002, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-worst-opening-to-a-story/113211/51 "2002-06-19T13:26:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Emperor Penguin \* > \*\* > [sub]\*Minor note: I do not advocate putting eggs or hampsters into microwaves for fun and/or profit. Although, putting hampsters into eggs can, and does, provide hours of entertainment [/sub] \*\* What happens if you put an egg into a hamster? ---
**Author:** ![Kantalooppi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a5b964/32.png) [@Kantalooppi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kantalooppi)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2002, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-worst-opening-to-a-story/113211/52 "2002-06-19T13:48:08Z")
Let me now tell you a story of how a young man accidentally, on a voyage to steamy rainforests of Upper Volta, or Burkina Faso, as it is now known, awakened an ancient, dreadful, terrifying evil god of Darkness and Terror known as Umbuka Zak, which then proceeded to abduct children to build an army of followers it could use to take over the world, leaving it to aforementioned young man to thwart it’s dastardly plot, freeing the children from it’s mind-control terror and chopping the evil god of Darkness and Terror, Umbuka Zak, to small pieces and scattering the pieces to wind, however leaving open the possibility that one day pieces are again drawn together by unholy powers to be and Umbuka Zak, evil god of Darkness and Terror, again walks the earth. It was a rainy day on steamy rainforests of Upper Volta, which is nowadays known as Burkina Faso, when Joseph Q. Throckmorton, man young though American, left the safe confides of his hotel room for a voyage through the steamy rainforests, bent on discovering the dread temple of Umbuka Zak, evil god of Darkness and Terror… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/write-your-own-worst-opening-to-a-story/113211.md?page=2)