# Writing a notification of (suicide) death - advice please. Need answer fast. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 8, 2011, 11:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/writing-a-notification-of-suicide-death-advice-please-need-answer-fast/591931 "2011-08-08T11:05:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 11:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/writing-a-notification-of-suicide-death-advice-please-need-answer-fast/591931/1 "2011-08-08T11:05:29Z")
I don’t really have anyone else to ask about this right now, so I’m turning to you dopers. I have to inform some people by letter that someone they knew has died. The death was a suicide, but for various reasons I want to prevent that information from getting out. These are people who don’t really need to know that kind of thing anyway. If I say X “died suddenly” or “died unexpectedly” is that ‘code’ for suicide? I don’t want to give that impression, but I also want to stop people from contacting me and asking about the cause of death. Should I just say X died on August XX, XXXX. The funeral was held on August XX, XXXX? I have to have this letter finished within about 20 hours. I have most of it down already, but I’d like to hear what people out there think is a good way to handle this. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 11:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/writing-a-notification-of-suicide-death-advice-please-need-answer-fast/591931/2 "2011-08-08T11:19:28Z")
I don’t think there’s any way of discouraging someone from asking if they’re really, really curious. “Died unexpectedly/suddenly” is a good way to put it, though. ---
**Author:** ![ecoaster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/85e7bf/32.png) [@ecoaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ecoaster)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 11:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/writing-a-notification-of-suicide-death-advice-please-need-answer-fast/591931/3 "2011-08-08T11:57:15Z")
You should prepare yourself for the inevitable question of “how?” which is a perfectly natural question when someone dies unexpectedly. If you are vague, people will still be curious. I work somewhere where I see emailed death notices of suicide 1-2x a year. Two examples from work: " [name] passed on [date]" " we regret to inform you that [name] died suddenly on [date]" Both of these were followed by brief obituaries. I prefer the second… ---
**Author:** ![carlotta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@carlotta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carlotta)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/writing-a-notification-of-suicide-death-advice-please-need-answer-fast/591931/4 "2011-08-08T12:55:15Z")
I don’t think it matters what you say, “died”, “died suddenly”, “died unexpectedly”. If a reasonably young person dies and no explanation is given, most people are going to at least wonder if it was suicide. If you don’t want people to follow up and ask you, you have to either rely on their tact or put something in the letter to that effect. I’m really really sorry you have to deal with this. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/writing-a-notification-of-suicide-death-advice-please-need-answer-fast/591931/5 "2011-08-08T14:15:58Z")
Who are you trying to protect with your veiled description of the death? The deceased or the immediate family of the deceased? As others have said, you can’t stop curiosity. ---
**Author:** ![KinkiNipponTourist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e9bcb4/32.png) [@KinkiNipponTourist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KinkiNipponTourist)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/writing-a-notification-of-suicide-death-advice-please-need-answer-fast/591931/6 "2011-08-08T14:21:41Z")
Can you fib and put “died suddenly after a brief illness”? ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/writing-a-notification-of-suicide-death-advice-please-need-answer-fast/591931/7 "2011-08-08T14:21:57Z")
I’m a wordsmith. I’d say the deceased “chose to die.” ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/writing-a-notification-of-suicide-death-advice-please-need-answer-fast/591931/8 "2011-08-08T14:40:35Z")
Thanks all. I’ll still keep checking back on this thread until about 15 hours from now. In the meantime I’m going to sleep on it. > [@Omar\_Little](#): > > Who are you trying to protect with your veiled description of the death? The deceased or the immediate family of the deceased? Both really. I don’t think his family would want hundreds of people worldwide to know exactly how he died. He wouldn’t have wanted it either. ---
**Author:** ![ecoaster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/85e7bf/32.png) [@ecoaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ecoaster)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/writing-a-notification-of-suicide-death-advice-please-need-answer-fast/591931/9 "2011-08-08T14:50:14Z")
> [@KinkiNipponTourist](#): > > Can you fib and put “died suddenly after a brief illness”? My first thought was no, it would just invite even more questions (“Oh, I didn’t know he was sick, what did he have?”), although if the person did acknowledge a mental health diagnosis then it could be true. Isamu, depending on your relationship to the family of this person, you could ask them how they would prefer you respond to inquiries. i would tell people if they asked me, unless I was expressly told not to. That’s because not telling is implying the same thing, so why not just be honest? You could say you don’t know, if you are comfortable with white lies. Of course suicide is a deeply difficult subject to talk about, but not acknowledging something that is privately known or assumed seems a little odd. ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/writing-a-notification-of-suicide-death-advice-please-need-answer-fast/591931/10 "2011-08-08T15:02:05Z")
I just looked up an obit for someone I know who committed suicide and it says “Ronald passed away June 13, 2010 at his home.” I didn’t know he had killed himself for a long time, but he had also been in and out of the hospital with medical problems so I just assumed he had died from complications from whatever and I never considered suicide. I never even asked. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/writing-a-notification-of-suicide-death-advice-please-need-answer-fast/591931/11 "2011-08-08T15:04:13Z")
It sounds like you’re trying to make sure that nobody even thinks of suicide when they read your announcement. I think that’s counterproductive. Keep it short and simple. It doesn’t matter what you say—“passed away on X” is fine. People are going to speculate no matter what. Just be prepared for responding to follow-ups. “I’m sorry, I can’t give you the specifics” or “I’m sorry, the family isn’t talking about the details.” ---
**Author:** ![Sailboat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sailboat/32/461_2.png) [@Sailboat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sailboat)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/writing-a-notification-of-suicide-death-advice-please-need-answer-fast/591931/12 "2011-08-08T15:28:04Z")
Or you could use a cover story – “Died fighting hand-to-hand against the Nazis” or “No cause given – family has requested donations be made to the Institute Against Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation in lieu of flowers.” ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/writing-a-notification-of-suicide-death-advice-please-need-answer-fast/591931/13 "2011-08-08T15:32:56Z")
> [@Isamu](#): > > Both really. I don’t think his family would want hundreds of people worldwide to know exactly how he died. He wouldn’t have wanted it either. You are sending a letter announcing his death to hundreds of people around the world? The best way to protect the family and your deceased friend is to not send any sort of announcement. Why do you feel the need to make some worldwide announcement about his death? If your going to tell anyone, I’ve found that it’s better to tell the truth. If there’s any shame resulting from your friends suicide, it should rest upon him. No need to protect his reputation…it was his choice on how he went out. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/writing-a-notification-of-suicide-death-advice-please-need-answer-fast/591931/14 "2011-08-08T15:36:13Z")
I think if you put in “chose to die” as **Annie-Xmas** said, you would be protecting the family. People will ask. They’ll think some sort of accident happened and they’ll want the details. If you let them know it may prevent any unwanted discussions. ---
**Author:** ![chappachula](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d2c977/32.png) [@chappachula](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chappachula)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/writing-a-notification-of-suicide-death-advice-please-need-answer-fast/591931/15 "2011-08-08T16:50:41Z")
Anytime you hear about anything (not just death)that was totally unexpected, most people will ask “why?” Your neighbor with the old Chevy buys a Mercedes or a Rolls Royce: you ask “where did he suddenly get the money?” An incompetent co-worker gets a promotion: you ask "how did he do that, what family connections does he have with the boss? A grizzly bear attacks a hiker: you ask “did the hiker know there were bears in the area?” A space shuttle explodes on the launch pad: you ask “what caused it?” So anytime you inform people about the sudden death of a friend (under age 75) , _of course_ they will ask for more details.It’s a perfectly reasonable question to a sudden piece of unexpected news. If you give no details and no explanation— that is worse than not notifying the people at all…it creates more curiosity than it resolves. It’s the opposite of closure. If you want to cover it up, can you make a plausible lie out of the circumstances? Say, if the suicide was from an overdose of pills, tell people that he had a bad reaction to medications. If he shot himself, describe it as a hunting accident or even robbery; if he hanged himself describe it as an accident falling off a ladder while home alone, etc? ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2011, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/writing-a-notification-of-suicide-death-advice-please-need-answer-fast/591931/16 "2011-08-08T17:21:30Z")
“Heart failure.” After all, _everyone_ dies of heart failure. I’m sorry for your loss, **Isamu** , and sorry that you’re in the position of having to do this. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2011, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/writing-a-notification-of-suicide-death-advice-please-need-answer-fast/591931/17 "2011-08-09T01:58:02Z")
> [@Sailboat](#): > > Or you could use a cover story – “Died fighting hand-to-hand against the Nazis” or “No cause given – family has requested donations be made to the Institute Against Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation in lieu of flowers.” I’m laughing. hh ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2011, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/writing-a-notification-of-suicide-death-advice-please-need-answer-fast/591931/18 "2011-08-09T02:06:50Z")
Please do not lie about this. That is not respect. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2011, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/writing-a-notification-of-suicide-death-advice-please-need-answer-fast/591931/19 "2011-08-09T02:14:38Z")
Just put that he passed away suddenly in the mass-announcement. If people contact you to ask how, you can either tell them on a one-on-one basis, or go with something about respecting the family’s wishes that he be remembered for who he was and not the manner of his death. ---
**Author:** ![Moonlitherial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Moonlitherial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonlitherial)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2011, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/writing-a-notification-of-suicide-death-advice-please-need-answer-fast/591931/20 "2011-08-09T02:17:48Z")
> [@Zebra](#): > > I think if you put in “chose to die” as **Annie-Xmas** said, you would be protecting the family. > > People will ask. They’ll think some sort of accident happened and they’ll want the details. > > If you let them know it may prevent any unwanted discussions. This. If you want to protect the family from unwanted questions be honest. Something like Johnny chose to take his own life on August 8th, 2011. His family is devastated by his loss and would appreciate privacy at this time. Donations can be made in his name to “x” (I vote for a suicide prevention hotline but that’s just me) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/writing-a-notification-of-suicide-death-advice-please-need-answer-fast/591931.md?page=2)