I think I can trump you all (well, with the possible exception of papers to be graded, slush to be read and The Grisham Sentence).
The Celestine Prophecy.
:retch:
Aside from my own writing (I’m working on a story right now and thinking about throwing it all out because the tone changed suddenly from vaguely dark to all glurgy) and the papers my classmates make me proofread all the time, I would have to say a book that my dad’s boss wrote. It just seems so much like a really bad murder mystery / romance novel. Interesting enough, I guess, but it reads like an English paper that tries too hard.
Usually, though, I can ignore the writing if the plotline is good enough.
jessica
“Soul of the Fire” by Terry Goodkind. A big thick book which will have you ripping your eyes out with soup spoons just to end the agony.
Oh, oh, student essays!
Essay openers from a sweet girl who likes horses:
“Black people are differnet than white people, but aht dosen’t mean you should treat them badly . . .”
From the same girl, in a thank you to a NY relief worker:
“I hope that God has comforted you through all this. If you are not a Christian, I hope this experience has helped bring you to the light.” (I queitly disposed of the letter)
Essay opener from one of my Dumbbutts:
This is my essay. Well, what is this essay going to be about? Not about the book like my last essay. Nope, this essay is going to be . . .
And one more from the latest crop of drafts:
“The Bible is the best source for history because most of the people who read it will believe it.”
Ow.
Ah. So along those lines, the National Enquirer would be the best source for news. 
I will never forget how completely stunned I was when I finally picked up a book by ** Robin Cook ** and read it. Page aafter page, chapter after chapter, unquestionably the worst, most amateurish, puerile tripe I have ever seen professionally published in 43 years of life. That Cook was published once is a profound mystery to me, that he (?) is a million-seller leaves me dazed and sorrowful.
Of course, one cannot have a thread such as this without mentioning the horrifically bad “Celestine Prophecy” Oh my lord! Help me…
stoid
Always on the lookout for new sci-fi, I picked up the novel Starplex by Robert J. Sawyer. The plot revolving around artificial wormholes that mysteriously open up, the station that monitors them, and the odd assortment of aliens (including humans) who run it (sort of like Deep Space Nine, but with worse writing). In describing one of the alien lifeforms, Mr. Sawyer gives us the following:
“Jag could watch them simultaneously, one with his vertically stacked left pair of eyes, the other with his vertically stacked right pair. Like humans, Waldahuldin had two-sided brains, but each of their hemispheres could process a separate stereoscopic image.”
I stopped reading the book and put it in the box headed for the Goodwill. Maybe someone else can handle this crap, not me.
Did I mention the dolphins on the bridge who help run the ship?
I used to read a lot of media tie-in books, especially Star Wars. Then I read Shadows of the Empire. Boy, howdy was that ever a bad book. At least twice in the novel, Luke proposes a far-fetched, crazy-sounding idea that just might be the rebels only hope of survival. Leia is so stunned by his wild, dangerous scheme that she “looked at Luke as if he had just turned into a big spider.” Which, I assume, means she screamed and tried to kill him with a blaster.
Also, if anyone who’s read the book can tell me what a “v-step” is and how such a manuever helps one win a lightsaber duel, I’ll send them a choclate covered wookie.
In the interests of completeness and self-promotion, I also offer this link
Anybody ever seen the movie Doubletake w/ the 7up commercial guy in it? My bros rented it over the summer and I sat down to watch it… Good lord… I normally hate reading film critics bash a movie, but this one was horrible. I’ve seen plenty of bad movies before, but I seriously think I (computer science major for chrissake) could have written a better script in about 2 hours.
I’ll spare you the details, just heed my warning… very much bad.
man… it sucks writing about bad writing… you catch yourself paying way too much attention to the nuances of english grammar/whatnot.
The worst line of dialogue ever to be spoken in any movie is from Volcano. At the end, when everyone is covered in ash, a little boy looks around and says:
“They all look the same”
Ooner pukes all over the place
Each time I’ve seen that movie, I keep expecting it to be a joke. I just wait, and there’s no punchline. That’s actually serious dialogue. I don’t really demand all movies have smart writing, but be at least a little bit subtle!
Even worse, I have a sociology professor who told the class how much she LOVES that movie, especially that line. I was barely able to restrain myself from causing a scene.
As far as books go, I’ll second the Dean Koontz mentions. I read a bunch of his books a few years ago because they were silly easy reads, and couldn’t help but notice they are all action, but absolutely NO real substance whatsoever.
Your brain will start severing your optic nerves about 2 paragraphs in, just to get away from the pain.
Wow, someone’s mom just bought them a thesaurus!
Two pages and not one single person has mentioned Message in a Bottle, by Nicholas Sparks? And I know it isn’t because none of you ever read trash, as this thread proves.
When I was living in Israel, I was desperate for English books. They’re very expensive new, and only occasionally did I ever find anything I wanted to spend my money on in the used shops. But my roommate’s aunt sometimes lent her books, and I would borrow them. I would read anything, which was how I found myself reading several (repetetive) Danielle Steel and Belva Plain books. But for bad writing, nothing comes close to Message in a Bottle. The story itself was obviously contrived in a way to be as romantic as possible, but was not too terrible. But an eighth grader could have written in better. One of Fretful’s students could have written in better. It was unbelieveably bad. I told my roommate that it was the worst book I had ever read, and she shrugged, deciding to make her own decision. I think she gave up after a few pages, when she slammed the book down and said, “This is terrible! I can’t believe this book got published!”
Another Koontz basher checking in here. I’d tried to read him several times but always gave up after just a few pages. Way too many metaphors and similes – felt like I was reading junior high lit assignments.
Then a friend loaned me his newest, “From the Corner of His Eye”. Again, I almost gave up very early in the book. In a scene where a solicitous husband is in the kitchen with his very pregnant wife, Koontz says he’s “loitering in her vicinity.” Huh? Is this a loving husband or a vagrant?
I finished the book (Koontz does some pop culture satire that’s kinda fun) but I doubt I’ll ever read another.
Another example of atrocious writing is the first paragraph of Brian Lumley’s Necroscope. I just now read it again – didn’t want to bitch if the bad first impression was due to my own frame of mind. Nope. It’s still bad. I read a little further – it doesn’t get any better. It’s not technically bad – just incredibly boring.
Damn. You beat me to it. Did you know that contests are sometimes held at science fiction conventions to see who can read the furthest without dissolving into laughter?
I’ve always loved the phrase “many-fauceted scarlet emerald”. (Yes, that’s what the guy actually wrote.)
Vote: James Pattison
Dennis Lehane
Boy, does he write badly. Shit spews forth from his keyboard like an elderly man’s spastic colon. In case you don’t know who he is, Lehane writes “crime fiction” from the point of view of someone who has never actually read crime fiction, or fiction, or books of any kind but has only heard of them. Worse of all his main characters ring false and hollow, fraudulent. You read Ellroy or MacDonald and you see those characters before you as they spill off the page. Lehane’s creations have you rolling your eyes and slowly becoming more and more angry at this fraud with a capital F (I can think of a few more F-words to describe Lehane). Working-class private dicks, who also happen to be hipsters, who talk like graduate students, interacting with vile underworld scum whilst making precious pop-culture reference riffs about Peckinpah and the like…GRRRRRRRR. A writer who should read how real writers write and spend less time at his local Blockbuster outlet. FUCK HIM.
I think you’re going a little far here. Lehane has obviously never heard of books.
Torgo - no kidding! Thanks – you saved me some bucks. Some folks in a couple of my book groups have been raving about this guy. If his characters are half as phony as you describe, I don’t think I’d like him either.