You didn’t like it? That was some of my best work!
Kn(please, PLEASE don’t take this post seriously)ckers
P.S : You forgot verse 2:
The deer is here
so never fear
If you are queer
come have a beer.
Anything by Lois Duncan. Gaaah. She wrote one book. Then recycled the same freaking plot multiple times and made money off it.
throws things
Anyone notice how EVERY book from Tom Clancy has to have about three scenes in which the “good” characters give a speech about all the hard work they put in defending the country for ungrateful liberals? I mean, my brother’s an army lieutenant, and I think Clancy’s pounded it into the ground decades ago.
Also, if you read that “Bear and the Dragon” book of his, count how many times someone uses the phrase, “John Chinaman.” Simply unbelievable. Why wouldn’t his editor tell him to cut it out? Is he really that much of a 500 lb. gorilla?
If you guys think Grisham is bad, you haven’t been trying to read the pulp novels from the grocery store written by the people who aren’t million-selling authors. Just incomprehensible junk. I’ve pretty much quit reading fiction, because it’s so routinely bad. Maybe I just need better recommendations.
What can cause awkward moments is having friends show you their writing. This very sweet girl showed me her writing about her trip to Africa, and I think she thought that using similies made her “descriptive” and a good writer. I had to sort of white lie.
The phrase that has stuck in my mind for years from some Clancy wannabe is, “The ship bucked under their feet like a lover coming back for more.” I didn’t buy the book because of that one line.
As for relief from this kind of thing, I nominate P.J. O’Rourke, who is sort of the no-B.S. guru of writing.
It’s blasphemy to say this, but I’d actually like to see that one.
Wow! This 2 page thread is a year old and no-one’s mentioned the sheer brainless cliched crap that is the heavily edited writing of the imprisoned Jeffrey Archer!?!
Now, Archer is regularly lampooned by what are seen by some as the trendy chattering classes. They sneer about his writing and storytelling abilities, his charity work and so much else that one might think there is a large element of snobbery and envy involved. Maybe there is, but when you actually read his books, you find that every criticism of them is thoroughly deserved. The stories are predictable and cliched and the writing, even after it has been thoroughly revised by Archer’s editors, is full of factual, grammatical and logical mistakes.
I haven’t seen any of his books for a few years, so I’m going by memory, but some things that come to mind:
In “Kane and Abel” a peasant boy finds an abandoned baby. He takes it home and when his mother sees them he looks at her and silently presents her the baby. I can’t imagine such a scene ever really happening without any dialogue. To add to the fake pathos, I think the baby conveniently remains uncrying. I’m sure Archer must have been thinking of some crappy B-movie melodrama when he wrote this.
Later in the book, Kane is badly injured in WW2; he doesn’t fully regain conscioussness for weeks. In the space of 2 pages, about 6 paragraphs end with the sentence “He slept”. You don’t think you could actually hate a 2 word sentence but you do.
In “As the Crow Flies” the hero walks from Whitechapel to The Old Kent Road in London, buys a market barrow and walks it back, as if the two places are only half a mile or so apart. Later the hero goes to London University for some reason; he hops across to the Strand (again just a few minutes’ walk) and a policeman points him on his way; again the unnatural lack of dialogue.
In all of his books that I’ve read, the hero finally becomes “a man” when he has some defining sexual encounter with an older more experienced woman, perhaps a headmaster’s wife or a prostitute who doesn’t accept payment.
The book “First Among Equals” supposedly gives the reader a feel of life at the centre of the British political establishment. One scene involves a Scottish MP raising the case of the dubious conviction of a constituent for armed robbery or something. Conveniently for the book, the appeal is heard in the Old Bailey, and the defence is led by one of the other main characters, an MP who is an English QC. Now, in fact, this could never happen. All Scottish criminal appeals are heard in Edinburgh and go no further (except sometimes to the ECHR in Strasbourg but that’s irrelevant here). How the hell Archer, who himself had been an MP, could have failed to know this or have it pointed out to him boggles the mind.
These aren’t very good examples, but take my word for it; if you are a connoisseur of bad writing and you haven’t yet sampled the delights of Archer’s books, then a rich casket awaits you. (Don’t get mixed up with the less well known thriller writer, Geoffrey Archer.)
I can top that.
Lillian Jackson Braun, read by DICK VAN PATTEN!
Even now, I can clearly hear his voice, calling KO-KO! YUM-YUM!
The horror . . . the horror . . .
I never even made it to the second paragraph. I burst out laughing before the end of the first one!
Okay, I can’t say that I’ve actually read the writing, but the covers on these books are a real turn-off…
(With regard to Tom Clancy…)
I think he threatens to bean them with copies of his 500 lb. books if they protest.
I have to add to the Clancy hatred list for his usage of non-existent words. Tom, perq is not a word, no matter how much you want it to be. The correct spelling is perk even though it is short for perquisite. Live with it.
Likewise, the word IS NOT pshrink, it’s shrink, even if you think it would be cool to spell it that way since it refers to a psychiatrist. I know silent p’s are neat, but you aren’t allowed to stick them in anywhere you want, even if you are a pmillionaire.
Also, if a character is a medical doctor, does every other character have to refer to them as a “doc”? This one is minor, but it is grating.
Finally (and only finally because I’m out of steam, not because Mr. Clancy is out of offenses), would it kill you to refrain from switching scenes abruptly and then going on for several paragraphs–sometimes pages–without identifying who is thinking/talking/speaking or where they might be? Despite what you think, this is not cute, it’s annoying. A tip to Clancy readers out there… Skip ahead a few paragraphs to find a character or place name then start reading again. Trust me, it helps.
The sad thing is that I’m such a geek for his techy weapon and military descriptions that I am doomed to suffer through his awful prose to cull them out. Consider me a masochist.
Re: Clancy
Also also, if a character is British, must he constantly pepper his speech with britishisms? It’s like I’ll forget the guy’s british if he doesn’t say chap or lad every sentence.
Another useful shorthand is that insane people speak in italics, and hispanics must say at least one Spanish word per sentence, and be hot-blooded.
I too am a slave to the plots and the ideas, which are great. But I also occasionally laugh out loud at the prose and “characterization”.
You can randomly select any Robin Cook book and randomly select any page, read it, and I guarantee you will groan out loud.
Robert Jordan.
I’ve tried, several times, to get into the Wheel of Time series. I actually managed to complete the first book but I’ve been stuck on the first 100 pages of the second book for nearly a year, and there are… what, nine books in that series now? 10?
Ship of Magic by Robin Hobb.
A complete waste of my time and money, after the first 150 pages I threw it out because she was trying to make it on of those charachter based novels meets romance meets adventure and not succeeding well at any of it. For the first time in my life I wished that a writer would focus less on characterization and more on the action. Every time she introduced a charachter she wasted 10-15 pages about thier past, inner lives, and motivations-badly. It was like she was writing it just so it could be mentioned on Oprah. I am never reading anything by her again.
Second (or third) this one. It’s Pel Torro, btw. I read this in high school, 34 years ago, and always remembered it. I just reread it, and it’s worse and more funny than I remembered. Fanthorpe wrote by placing tape recorders around his house, and strolling around dictating his books. He wrote two per weekend. I’m sure he never looked at them again.
Another bad book is the Anne Rice Sleeping Beauty book. How anyone can make erotica so unerotic is beyond me. I know it is a series, but I never got past the first one.
Well, although it’s already been mentioned, I have to bring up Shadows of the Empire by Steve Perry. In his defense, the book had to have been written quickly, and was one of the worst-possible cases of a completely marketing-driven novel, and I’m sure that when Journey broke up he took it hard, but still… here’s a line from a page I picked at random:
Sure; so many times I go around completely oblivious to the fact that I have a mustache. (Yes, I realize the punctuation makes the difference there, but that’s how it reads.)
But that’s nothing compared to this:
And that’s still in the opening; they still haven’t gotten to the part where a helpless Leia finds herself entranced by the charms of the pheremone-spewing leader of a ruthless crime syndicate!
- Ahem *
Danielle Steele, anyone?
Perhaps Barbara Taylor Bradford?
Or maybe Colin Forbes?
Two pages, and no mention of this “delightful” trio. Shame, shame, shame.
Well, Ranchoth, since you asked:
First page: smiling banana (the illustrations do enhance the whole; you’ll have to imagine them)
Bananas are just a fruit. They don’t have feelings, do they?
Second page: banana being peeled. face like “The Scream” and the word “peeeeeeeeeeeeeel” next to it.
"God Almighty Living Hell,
My skin is ripping me
Like swords being Twisted in My Eyes…
Boiling Hell oil!!!..AAAUUUGH!!
Last page: smiling banana half peeled.
“Just kidding, I’m just a banana,
peel the rest of me,
and have a bite!!”
Imagine reading that to your kid before snack time.
Eat your heart out Clancy!
I picked up one of the Harry Potter books in a store, and began to flip through it curiously. until my eye lit on the following sentence: “Open!, he hissed.” I put it back on the shelf, and have never read a further word she has written.
Except for the opening sentence, Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged”.
Does anyone read all the way through chapter (mumble) with the speech about Objectivism without taking a nap? It’s supposed to be a broadcast, but there are no reactions from any listeners, no breaks for a breath, no way to insert yourself into the story.
I was tempted to read it out loud to see how long this broadcast would take, but I took another nap instead.