# WTF? Ex-boyfriend inventory on a Saturday morning? (TMI warning) **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [June 8, 2002, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-ex-boyfriend-inventory-on-a-saturday-morning-tmi-warning/113028 "2002-06-08T23:09:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![gobear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8dc957/32.png) [@gobear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gobear)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 10:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-ex-boyfriend-inventory-on-a-saturday-morning-tmi-warning/113028/61 "2002-06-10T10:54:07Z")
> [@](#): > > > [@](#): > > > > So Scott Evil went home with a trick last night? So what? What gay man hasn’t done that? > > I nominate this for the most ridiculous statement of the month. Uh, hate to break it to you , **PunditLisa** , that I’m an actual gay man, I have been a sexually active gay man for 20 years, and I know many, many gay men, all of whom have engaged in casual sex. Last Saturday night, my boyfriend and IO were at the Eagle (a DC leather bar), and we watched many men pair off for a night of friendly, consensual sex. I believe I have more experience and knowledge of gay male behavior than you do. > [@](#): > > I have and will continue to lecture anyone who boasts about having sex with someone they just met. And not just because of the HIV/STD/pregnancy threat, though that in and of itself is plenty of reason to use caution. The greater immediate risk, especially when you allow yourself to be alone with a strange man, is being hurt. Beaten. Raped. Murdered. You’ve watched **Cruising** too many times. That’s about as realistic a view of gay life as **Basic Instinct** is of hetero life. ---
**Author:** ![viennamac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/85e7bf/32.png) [@viennamac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/viennamac)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-ex-boyfriend-inventory-on-a-saturday-morning-tmi-warning/113028/62 "2002-06-10T12:38:31Z")
[delurk] I do volunteer work for the local AIDS organization here in Vienna and also happen to have quite a few gay friends. I would definitely say that – at least here – gay men are better informed and more cautious regarding HIV than most heterosexuals I know. What seems to _actually_ be the most dangerous thing a gay man can do, from what I’ve heard, is to go home with a _heterosexual_ guy to have sex. Just this weekend a friend of mine told me of an encounter he had last week with a straight guy who wanted to “try it out”. My friend went home with him and the first thing the guy did was punch him in the mouth. (No, he wasn’t a gay-basher, he just liked to hit people.) My friend got out of there as fast as he could, but not without a fat lip and a few bruises. So from now on, the only cautioning from me to my gay friends will be “Don’t go home with heteros!!!” :eek: On the subject of casual sex: I used to have quite a few “casual” encounters when I was younger (I am female and hetero), which is not really that unusual where I live. Not once did I find myself in an uncomfortable, let alone _dangerous_ situation. As **Tansu** said, if that’s what you’re there for, it’s unlikely you’ll be hurt. I would definitely think twice about going home with a guy I did _not_ intend to have sex with though! As for the actual topic, “Ex storming in and taking stuff”: VERY strange! – Chris [/delurk] ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-ex-boyfriend-inventory-on-a-saturday-morning-tmi-warning/113028/63 "2002-06-10T12:46:07Z")
First off. **scott** , I’m jealous that you can comfortably sleep on a couch with another person! You must be very fit. Now. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by PunditLisa \* > \*\*I have and will continue to lecture anyone who boasts about having sex with someone they just met. And not just because of the HIV/STD/pregnancy threat, though that in and of itself is plenty of reason to use caution. The greater immediate risk, especially when you allow yourself to be _alone_ with a strange man, is being hurt. Beaten. Raped. Murdered. \*\* Yeah, yeah, I know: it hardly ever happens. But it **does** happen. Jeffrey Dahmer’s victims, for instance. You don’t know this person. You’re alone with him. As in, no witnesses. And no one you know knows that you’re with him, or where you are, or that you’re with anyone at all. Sure, people will notice when you don’t turn up for work, but they won’t know where to start looking. Your friends might know what bar you were at, but good luck getting any leads: bouncers notice people going in, not people leaving. And **yes** , this applies to heteros as well. Even if the guy is 100% trustworthy, he could have had an active SO, as opposed to an ex. He might have taken the anger of his betrayal out on you, or on Mr. X with you as an unwilling witness. This ex could have been coming in to take his possessions, and those of Mr. X, by force. The “chyck” could have been his hired muscle. Or Mr. X might not have noticed anything was missing until after you left, and then blamed _you_ when he did notice. You just don’t know. It’s like the infant-seat argument. The odds of something bad happening may indeed be very low, but if something bad does happen, it could be **bad** bad. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-ex-boyfriend-inventory-on-a-saturday-morning-tmi-warning/113028/64 "2002-06-10T14:15:26Z")
Scott, you got a mom, right? Have you been feeling lately like she’s insufficient, and like you need another? Honestly, some of the most insufferable people I’ve met are middle-aged women who think that, since I’m roughly the age of their own kids, they get to act like a mom to me. Um, no. I’m an adult, lady, and I’ve never sucked at your tit. You get no special prerogative to be a matronizing tweaker toward me just because you have kids. If you can’t relate to me as an adult, I’ll thank you to shut up around me. I’ve got a mom, and she’s damn good at it. I don’t need or want you to be horning in. Good rant, Scott; apologies on behalf of breeders for the hijack. Daniel ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-ex-boyfriend-inventory-on-a-saturday-morning-tmi-warning/113028/65 "2002-06-10T14:20:15Z")
Oh for the love of PETE! Can some of you people climb of yer damn crosses already? Shitty things happen and it really sucks. Apparently, that was not the case here. In case you folks missed this part, **Scott** is a consenting adult, pretty much free to do his own thing. Should he take precautions? Of course - and I think he’s made it abundantly clear in numerous threads that he does take precautions. People should also take precautions when crossing the street, but when I say I’m going for a walk, I really don’t need 27 people jumping on me telling me to look both ways before I cross - I get it. I’ve done it before. Many times. Can we **PLEASE** get back to the OP, because I, for one, am interested in what happened. ---
**Author:** ![Drastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Drastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drastic)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-ex-boyfriend-inventory-on-a-saturday-morning-tmi-warning/113028/66 "2002-06-10T14:41:22Z")
> [@](#): > > We’re taught now from birth to be absolutely paranoid of other people. The media takes whatever utterly obscure tale it can find from the four corners of the world and gossips these stories to us, because violence sells. The result is the misconception that our society is actually far more dangerous than it actually is, and a generalized misanthropy follows. Succint and, I think, essentially true. Although it and general misanthropy may be a chicken-and-egg situation. Personally, I’m not emotionally wired to casually “hook up”, but I don’t think that’s any sort of moral difference. What does strike me more firmly, though, is that anyone who doesn’t change their locks after a live-in relationship ends badly is an idiot. Casual hooking-up, I understand, it’s just not for me–but freely choosing to sleep with a moron…well, I dunno. That’s even more alien. 🙂 But perhaps it didn’t end badly–this sort of thing might very well be routine for whatshisfaces. Sort of hard to evaluate that if, you know, you don’t actually mention it, or know dime one about the fellow other than that he’s a very sound sleeper. ---
**Author:** ![Homebrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Homebrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homebrew)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-ex-boyfriend-inventory-on-a-saturday-morning-tmi-warning/113028/67 "2002-06-10T14:43:50Z")
I’m taking auditions for the position of Fag-Hag. If they are not currently serving in that position for someone else, I’d like **alice\_in\_wonderland** and **Flamsterette\_X** to apply. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-ex-boyfriend-inventory-on-a-saturday-morning-tmi-warning/113028/68 "2002-06-10T15:04:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Drastic \* > Personally, I’m not emotionally wired to casually “hook up”, but I don’t think that’s any sort of moral difference. What does strike me more firmly, though, is that anyone who doesn’t change their locks after a live-in relationship ends badly is an idiot. Casual hooking-up, I understand, it’s just not for me–but freely choosing to sleep with a moron…well, I dunno. That’s even more alien. 🙂 > > But perhaps it didn’t end badly–this sort of thing might very well be routine for whatshisfaces. Sort of hard to evaluate that if, you know, you don’t actually mention it, or know dime one about the fellow other than that he’s a very sound sleeper. Yeah, that’s what’s weird about it - was it a bad breakup (and how bad, change-the-locks bad or just go-seek-out-comfort bad), or one that seemed to go well but suddenly the ex just kind of waltzes in and begins sorting through his stuff? Was **scott** ’s date a very sound sleeper, or pretending to be asleep because he thought **scott** was and didn’t want to raise a fuss then? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Wrong\_Girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b782af/32.png) [@The\_Wrong\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Wrong_Girl)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-ex-boyfriend-inventory-on-a-saturday-morning-tmi-warning/113028/69 "2002-06-10T15:12:57Z")
As **F\_X** said, this has come up before, and I clearly remember Scott saying that he always engages in safe sex, so I’ll back him up there. I have no doubt that people like our dear departed **KayKay** got the casual sex lecture, but to me, it seems like gay guys who post here just get it a whole lot more. ---
**Author:** ![OxyMoron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/e9a140/32.png) [@OxyMoron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OxyMoron)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-ex-boyfriend-inventory-on-a-saturday-morning-tmi-warning/113028/70 "2002-06-10T15:46:03Z")
**Pundit Lisa** , please just **Shut. The. Fuck. Up.** There is no experience in the world that you might have had that would ever justify your lecturing another person on a subject (a) that’s completely off topic and (b) over which you have much less command than you think. It’s obnoxious. Stop it. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-ex-boyfriend-inventory-on-a-saturday-morning-tmi-warning/113028/71 "2002-06-10T16:05:47Z")
**matt** -while that is indeed true, that does not mean that it can’t be dangerous to go home alone with a total stranger. Seriously, I just worry about things! Well, that and I tend to be very cautious around people I don’t know. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-ex-boyfriend-inventory-on-a-saturday-morning-tmi-warning/113028/72 "2002-06-10T16:38:24Z")
It’s dangerous to eat, sleep, and breathe in this world. Everything you do can be dangerous. That’s not what this thread is about, and I wish the hijackers would find a way to get that through their heads. Are you coming back to tell us more, **Scott** , or have you been thoroughly chased off your own thread by these people of questionable politeness? ---
**Author:** ![scott\_evil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@scott\_evil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scott_evil)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-ex-boyfriend-inventory-on-a-saturday-morning-tmi-warning/113028/73 "2002-06-10T16:45:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by featherlou \* > \*\*Are you coming back to tell us more, **Scott** , or have you been thoroughly chased off your own thread by these people of questionable politeness? \*\* No, no, I’m just sitting back and watching the whole thing degenerate - er, unfold. 😉 To answer the nagging sex question, YES, we had sex. And I used a condom (both times). We also drank a lot, smoked a lot, and snorted poppers. Nothing out of the ordinary, at least for me. So am I going to Hell now? 😛 - s.e. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-ex-boyfriend-inventory-on-a-saturday-morning-tmi-warning/113028/74 "2002-06-10T17:06:33Z")
Poppers? Um, how can you snort poppers-don’t they have jalepenos in them? 😉 What do you mean by poppers? 😕 Yes, you’re going to Hell-but not because of this. Remember-we’re ALL going to Hell, at least according to Jack Chick. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![scott\_evil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@scott\_evil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scott_evil)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-ex-boyfriend-inventory-on-a-saturday-morning-tmi-warning/113028/75 "2002-06-10T17:09:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Guinastasia \* > \*\*Poppers? Um, how can you snort poppers-don’t they have jalepenos in them? > > 😉 > > What do you mean by poppers? > > 😕\*\* That was funny. 😃 Do a Google search on “poppers.” 🙂 - s.e. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-ex-boyfriend-inventory-on-a-saturday-morning-tmi-warning/113028/76 "2002-06-10T17:12:00Z")
Better not get me in trouble-or I’m TELLING!!! Hehehehe! ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-ex-boyfriend-inventory-on-a-saturday-morning-tmi-warning/113028/77 "2002-06-10T17:40:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hamish \* > Violence is so rare, in these things, that this very anonymous culture suddenly makes the news You are wrong. Domestic violence and rape are just as prevalent in the gay community as it is in the het community. There are violent people of every sexual pursuasion, please don’t fool yourself. About ten years ago, I had a good work buddy that was being abused by his hubby. It was awful to see and now that I look back on my own (later) domestic violence experience with 20-20 hindsight, there was no damn difference between him and me. We were both beaten down and beaten up by controlling men and it took every ounce of self-worth we had left to get out. Some links to better educate yourself: [A list of books on same-sex domestic violence.](http://www.mincava.umn.edu/bibs/samesex.htm) [Article about a study on violence among same sex couples.](http://www.datalounge.com/datalounge/news/record.html?record=2314) [Gay Partner Abuse Project](http://www.gaypartnerabuseproject.org/) [Statistics](http://www.aardvarc.org/samesex/stats.htm) [Info on male rape.](http://www.callrape.com/malerape.html) [More on gay rape](http://gaytoday.badpuppy.com/garchive/reviews/091498re.htm) [More on rape.](http://www.rainbownetwork.com/content/feature.asp?featid=3472) [A bunch of links.](http://www.web.apc.org/~jharnick/violence.html) ---
**Author:** ![gobear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8dc957/32.png) [@gobear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gobear)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-ex-boyfriend-inventory-on-a-saturday-morning-tmi-warning/113028/78 "2002-06-10T18:02:49Z")
> [@](#): > > You are wrong. Domestic violence and rape are just as prevalent in the gay community as it is in the het community. There are violent people of every sexual pursuasion, please don’t fool yourself. Cool links, which, by the way, are completely non-germane to this thread! WTF does domestic violence have to do with an odd incident that **SE** told us about? Yes, domestic violence happens, but that has nothing to do with **SE** meeting an attractive chap in a bar, chatting him up, going home with him, and having some consensual fun! It is amazing how these concerned htereos know more about gay life than the gay men in this thread do. Dang, how did we live our lvies in such ignorance without folks like **PunditLisa** telling us alllllll about how gay men live and how dangerous gay men are. ---
**Author:** ![gobear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8dc957/32.png) [@gobear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gobear)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-ex-boyfriend-inventory-on-a-saturday-morning-tmi-warning/113028/79 "2002-06-10T18:13:42Z")
> [@](#): > > You are wrong. Domestic violence and rape are just as prevalent in the gay community as it is in the het community. There are violent people of every sexual pursuasion, please don’t fool yourself. Cool links, which, by the way, are completely non-germane to this thread! WTF does domestic violence have to do with an odd incident that **SE** told us about? Yes, domestic violence happens, but that has nothing to do with **SE** meeting an attractive chap in a bar, chatting him up, going home with him, and having some consensual fun! It is amazing how these concerned heteros know more about gay life than the gay men in this thread do. Dang, how did we live our lives in such ignorance without folks like **PunditLisa** , **Guinastasia** , and **Sue Duhnym** telling us alllllll about how gay men live and how dangerous gay men are. Hate to break it you ladies, but here are some things you ought to know: 1. Men are horndogs, and gay men are doubly so. Women, AFAIK, don’t have the same sexual imperative demanding to be satisfied. Not all gay men are promiscuous, but we all have strong sexual urges. When you get men together with strong urges… 2. Life is risk. The chances of one of us ending up in a plastic bag by a highway is minimal. The gay community is actually pretty safe (unless you go into a twinkie bar without an A&F shirt. Those bitches can be downright evil!) 3. We know about HIV. Every gay men in North America knows about HIV, knows how to apply rubbers, knows the relative risks of various sexual acts. We are adults who are able to make our own decisions about our health. Thank you for your concern , but we’re big boys now. 4. We’re gay men; you’re not. It is entirely possible that we know much more about our lives, our community, and our risks than you do. For you to lecture us is really presumptuous. ---
**Author:** ![Polycarp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Polycarp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polycarp)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-ex-boyfriend-inventory-on-a-saturday-morning-tmi-warning/113028/80 "2002-06-10T18:15:02Z")
Yeah, but she’s doing it _for your own good_! {please consider the appropriate smiley, which **Noodles** hasn’t gotten around to adding to the collection, inserted here} [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-ex-boyfriend-inventory-on-a-saturday-morning-tmi-warning/113028.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-ex-boyfriend-inventory-on-a-saturday-morning-tmi-warning/113028.md?page=5)