# WTF is "funny" about telling someone an upsetting lie, then going "just joking, ha ha"??? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 2, 2009, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755 "2009-12-02T20:51:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 12
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2009, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/221 "2009-12-05T16:09:29Z")
> [@Martini\_Enfield](#): > > Look, I feel- and this is strictly my personal opinion and is in no way intended to be personally directed at anyone in particular- that society is becoming increasingly touchy-feely-cotton-wrapped, and that this is a bad thing. Perhaps your view of this thread is a bit colored by that feeling, then? One of the underlying issues here is that one cannot dictate to others how they should _feel_. Feelings just pop up, and folks can’t help that. > [@](#): > > Which means that the host of a party should be able to crack a lame joke about the party not being until later (in an effort to lighten the mood) with someone they don’t know, and not worry that they’ve mortally insulted their guest and that person has now perpetually filed them in the “Big Meanie” or “Fuckwit” category. They don’t have to _worry_. But one person doesn’t have much control over whether or not another person has filed them in the ‘Big Meanie’ category. I’m sure that I’ve done or said things which have had the result of others silently filing me away in that kind of category. I know I’ve done it (the filing-away thing). It’s almost as if the person who accidentally offended, gets offended that the first person took offence. ETA: You know, everytime someone opens their mouth they run the risk of having their words misunderstood, or comitting a faux pas. It’s a risk (well a tiny one) we all take, every time we communicate with other people. I just don’t think folks ought to be surprised that it happens. To take Bosstone’s example, if you greet everyone with "Hey Muthafucka! " then you should be prepared for a few people to take offence at it. ---
**Author:** ![Martini\_Enfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/martini_enfield/32/11123_2.png) [@Martini\_Enfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martini_Enfield)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2009, 7:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/222 "2009-12-06T07:05:14Z")
> [@NinetyWt](#): > > Perhaps your view of this thread is a bit colored by that feeling, then? I don’t recall saying it wasn’t. > [@](#): > > One of the underlying issues here is that one cannot dictate to others how they should _feel_. Feelings just pop up, and folks can’t help that. People may not be able to help how they feel, but they can certainly either keep those feelings to themselves or accept that they’re in a minority regarding them. > [@](#): > > It’s almost as if the person who accidentally offended, gets offended that the first person took offence. Your point being? ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2009, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/223 "2009-12-06T13:59:25Z")
> [@Martini\_Enfield](#): > > but they can certainly either keep those feelings to themselves or accept that they’re in a minority regarding them. I agree with that. I think Dripping kept his to himself with regards to the host; he didn’t cross him about it, that I can tell. 3 ETA: I should add that IMO whether or not they are ‘in the minority’ will vary with the social circle involved, area of the world it occurs in, etc. etc. and is probably something that cannot be easily discerned. I accept that in cases, they will be. > [@](#): > > Your point being? That it’s mildly amusing. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2009, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/224 "2009-12-06T17:18:25Z")
Lots of attempts at reasonableness stuffed between the articulation of two distinct positions - should the default social convention be “don’t be a dick” or “man up”? I like \*\*Bosstone’s \*\*“motherfucker” analogy for the very friction it highlights: Now you have a cross-ways slice – some "don’t be a dick"s take a different position on this one. That’s the point - there are different POV’s. I guess the question is: do the “man up”/“we’re getting too PC” folks think that these feelings have never existed before in a significant percentage of the population? Or is this more of a lament about how new technology has thrown all the doors open. Everyone talks about everything, all the time - and some of that stuff is going to turn out to have traction. I totally get **MeanOldLady** , **Shot from Guns** , **Nzinga** , etc. - this is a non-event; or, if you think it is, accept that as proof that you need to practice until it is a non-event. Move on. In review of my life, I have reached this conclusion. I also think that SDMB as a whole is selection-biased towards over-thinkers, so wading in with The Simple isn’t the easy sell it might be elsewhere. Just a thought. Or an over-thought, as the case may be. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Martini\_Enfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/martini_enfield/32/11123_2.png) [@Martini\_Enfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martini_Enfield)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2009, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/225 "2009-12-06T22:08:57Z")
> [@WordMan](#): > > I guess the question is: do the “man up”/“we’re getting too PC” folks think that these feelings have never existed before in a significant percentage of the population? Or is this more of a lament about how new technology has thrown all the doors open. Everyone talks about everything, all the time - and some of that stuff is going to turn out to have traction. I’m pretty sure these feelings did not previously exist in the population, and I don’t think technology has anything to do with their increasing prevalence, FWIW. ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2009, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/226 "2009-12-06T22:10:14Z")
> [@Martini\_Enfield](#): > > I’m pretty sure these feelings did not previously exist in the population, Have you not had your coffee yet? ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2009, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/227 "2009-12-06T22:16:34Z")
Wait, that was a little harsh. Sorry about that. Aren’t these the same feelings as ‘stage fright’ ? That’s been around a long time. ---
**Author:** ![Martini\_Enfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/martini_enfield/32/11123_2.png) [@Martini\_Enfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martini_Enfield)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2009, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/228 "2009-12-06T22:18:53Z")
> [@NinetyWt](#): > > Have you not had your coffee yet? I haven’t actually… I’m deciding which blend I want this morning. 🙂 And quite seriously, in the part of the world I’m in, those feelings did not exist in the population in the widespread way they seem to exist in the US today. I (and I’m sure the “silent majority” not posting to this thread) just cannot believe people are seriously trying to make out that it’s OK to be upset by someone telling a lame joke and that the host is a Big Meanie for doing it and not being a touchy-feely new age [del]Communist[/del] sensitive person like everyone should be. Had the OP been posted on a majority Australian (or, I suspect, a UK) messageboard, most of the replies would have been along the lines of “Harden the fuck up and stop being such a marshmallow”. As for “Stage Fright”, I think that’s a good analogy, although there are differences between being on stage in the West End and showing up to a party full of people you don’t know that well, IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2009, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/229 "2009-12-06T22:29:04Z")
> [@Martini\_Enfield](#): > > And quite seriously, in the part of the world I’m in, those feelings did not exist in the population in the widespread way they seem to exist in the US today. I (and I’m sure the “silent majority” not posting to this thread) just cannot believe people are seriously trying to make out that it’s OK to be upset by someone telling a lame joke and that the host is a Big Meanie for doing it and not being a touchy-feely new age [del]Communist[/del] sensitive person like everyone should be. I will have to take your word for it, since I’ve never been there. > [@](#): > > As for “Stage Fright”, I think that’s a good analogy, although there are differences between being on stage in the West End and showing up to a party full of people you don’t know that well, IMHO. Agree that there are differences, but from what **Dripping** describes, it’s a similar sort of feeling. Sometimes, when I commit a social faux pas, or say something wrong, I’ll get a quick flash of that feeling in the pit of my stomach. When I was younger, it would put me in a sour mood for a long time - I would be embarassed and chagrined that I had made such a mistake. Adult figures seem to harp on these kind of things when you’re a kid, yanno? Parents and teachers for example. As some have said upthread, maturity kind of takes care of a lot of it. But even though I’m almost 50, I still occasionally get that feeling. Oh yeah, and I’ll posit that it’s okay to be upset. It’s what your actions are that matter. IMO it’s not proper to tell someone what they should or shouldn’t feel. You can teach and encourage people better ways to \*deal \*with feelings (IMO a large part of parenting), but feelings are just gonna spring up. It’s not like a valve you can turn on and off. ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2009, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/230 "2009-12-06T22:34:47Z")
Missed the edit window. I think it’s also okay if people don’t agree with the touchy-feely thing, with the exception that I thought the host had bad manners by not welcoming **Dripping** instead of cracking a lame joke. But then again, I come from a place that puts a lot of emphasis on manners when entertaining. ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2009, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/231 "2009-12-07T01:21:50Z")
> [@NinetyWt](#): > > But then again, I come from a place that puts a lot of emphasis on manners when entertaining. And you’re a better person as a result. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2009, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/232 "2009-12-07T17:19:14Z")
> [@JThunder](#): > > The problem isn’t that he didn’t “get” the joke. Rather, the problem is that he felt that the joke was in poor taste. If he’d posted to say, “I thought this joke was totally stupid,” I probably wouldn’t have even come in here. But he _freaked out all night because for five seconds he thought he’d shown up on the wrong night_. That’s not healthy. > [@Bosstone](#): > > I’d probably hang around a while because, hey, I already made the trip, but every time I saw the host I’d be thinking “socially retarded idiot.” But that’s not what the OP did. See my response to JThunder above: I’m not so much bothered by the fact that the OP didn’t think it was funny, as that he was apparently shaken to his very core because he thought he made a teeny tiny faux pas. > [@Dripping](#): > > Flying into a homicidal rage and wanting to shoot someone who directed a compliment (albeit a crudely expressed one) your way is “perfectly reasonable”, whereas not having a particularly good time at a party because the host acted like a bit of a dick to you to is “not normal”. 😕 Hollering at a woman is \*\*not \*\*a compliment. It is a way of saying, “You have a vagina. I am attracted to things that have vaginas. You, particularly, make me want to have sex. I want you to know that you make me want to have sex. I think YOU WANT to know that you make me want to have sex.” > [@Bosstone](#): > > I’m pretty sure **SFG** doesn’t mind being called a bitch by her friends. But I’d be plain amazed if she’d be able to laugh off being called it by someone she only just met. Don’t bother me none. Seriously. It’s not exactly that I don’t care what people think (after all, we all enjoy it when people think well of us) as it is that there are some people whose negative opinions of me don’t matter much. > [@allenw](#): > > It wasn’t an anecdote. It was a gross generalization. I was giving you the benefit of the doubt that you actually knew specific people like this and weren’t just completely making shit up. > [@](#): > > Why is that escalation ok, but it is horrible if someone just turns around and walks? If that was someone’s reaction to a joke I made, my reaction would be to shrug. If someone doesn’t appreciate my sense of humor (or vice versa), we’re not going to last very long as friends. > [@](#): > > The answer is that they don’t think everyone should have a thicker skin, just their targets. Who is this nebulous “they”? ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2009, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/233 "2009-12-07T18:47:01Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > If he’d posted to say, “I thought this joke was totally stupid,” I probably wouldn’t have even come in here. But he _freaked out all night because for five seconds he thought he’d shown up on the wrong night_. That’s not healthy. That’s not the same as not getting the joke. He got the joke; he just didn’t think it was funny. Frankly, I agree. It is also an exaggeration to say that he “freaked out all night” because “for five seconds” he thought he showed up at the wrong time. He was upset that night, but that’s not the same as freaking out. Nor do we have any indication that he stood there for five seconds, thinking that he got the time wrong. Several folks here have criticized him, arguing that his reaction was exaggerated. Why can we criticize him for that while simultaneously exaggerating the nature of his response? That’s not right. ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2009, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/234 "2009-12-07T19:26:13Z")
> [@JThunder](#): > > That’s not the same as not getting the joke. He got the joke; he just didn’t think it was funny. Frankly, I agree. I do too, but if I stopped telling unfunny jokes, I’d be mute. > [@JThunder](#): > > It is also an exaggeration to say that he “freaked out all night” because “for five seconds” he thought he showed up at the wrong time. He was upset that night, but that’s not the same as freaking out. Nor do we have any indication that he stood there for five seconds, thinking that he got the time wrong. > > Several folks here have criticized him, arguing that his reaction was exaggerated. Why can we criticize him for that while simultaneously exaggerating the nature of his response? That’s not right. > [@Dripping](#): > > 1. I’m the first to arrive at a party where I don’t know the hosts very well. The hosts open the door and the guy goes “What are you doing here, dude”? I say “Oh, uh gosh isn’t the party tonight?” and he goes “What party”? A gut-wrenching wave of embarrassment engulfs me, then just as I am stammering some kind of response, he says “Just kidding, c’mon in”. The event cast a pall over the party for me, I avoided the host while I was there and I left early. WTF? Can we use his words then? “gut wrenching wave of embarrassment” - I can allow for some hyperbole in this statement. Personally, I never use the stuff\*, but to each his own. Coupled with this - “he event cast a pall over the party for me” - makes me question if the previous statement was hyperbole and is far out of line to the perceived slight. \*Maybe a slight exaggeration. Take sarcasm, hyperbole, and bad jokes out of my speech and I might as well move to Paris and take up mimery. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2009, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/235 "2009-12-07T20:50:43Z")
> [@JThunder](#): > > It is also an exaggeration to say that he “freaked out all night” because “for five seconds” he thought he showed up at the wrong time. He was upset that night, but that’s not the same as freaking out. Nor do we have any indication that he stood there for five seconds, thinking that he got the time wrong. Let’s go back and look at the post in question, shall we? > [@Dripping](#): > > The hosts open the door and the guy goes “What are you doing here, dude”? I say “Oh, uh gosh isn’t the party tonight?” and he goes “What party”? A **gut-wrenching wave of embarrassment engulfs me** , then just as I am stammering some kind of response, he says “Just kidding, c’mon in”. The event **cast a pall over the party for me** , I \*\*avoided the host \*\*while I was there and I **left early**. Emphasis added. To me, being “engulf[ed]” by a “gut-wrenching wave of embarrassment” such that it would “cast a pall over the party,” causing me to “[avoid] the host” and “[leave] early” is pretty neatly summed up as “freaked out all night.” As for the “five seconds” thing, that seemed to me to be an overly generous estimate of how much time would elapse between “you’ve got the wrong night” and “just kidding.” It wasn’t meant to indicate that he was standing there with his jaw agape–it was simply intended as further emphasis that a tiny moment of thinking he’d made a small mistake blew up into this huge big fucking end-of-the-world deal. Also, while I may not be 100% correct in saying that the OP doesn’t “get” the joke when what I perhaps more accurately mean that he doesn’t appreciate it, I’m really coming off his own words: > [@Dripping](#): > > I. Just. Don’t. Get. it. ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2009, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/236 "2009-12-07T21:18:26Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > Emphasis added. To me, being “engulf[ed]” by a “gut-wrenching wave of embarrassment” such that it would “cast a pall over the party,” causing me to “[avoid] the host” and “[leave] early” is pretty neatly summed up as “freaked out all night.” Here’s another way people are different: To me, being “freaked out all night” would indicate being very jumpy, shaky, maybe crying at the drop of a hat, being panicky, things like that. Being in a depressed mood - which is what a “pall” indicates, to me - isn’t the same as being freaked out. It’s more like being in a funk. > [@](#): > > Also, while I may not be 100% correct in saying that the OP doesn’t “get” the joke when what I perhaps more accurately mean that he doesn’t appreciate it, I’m really coming off his own words: I took it to mean that he doesn’t get why people do things like that. Not that he didn’t get the joke. ---
**Author:** ![CutterJohn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/91b2a8/32.png) [@CutterJohn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CutterJohn)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2009, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/237 "2009-12-08T01:17:59Z")
Hmm… So when a couple of coworkers were checking a big college football game online, and I did a quick photoshop of the website that showed the final score as their team losing(when they actually won), and they spent the rest of the night thinking their team had lost, and made fools of themselves the next day arguing with _other_ people that their team had lost, it wasn’t funny? I laughed about that for days! ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2009, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/238 "2009-12-08T01:21:13Z")
> [@CutterJohn](#): > > Hmm.. So when a couple of coworkers were checking a big college football game online, and I did a quick photoshop of the website that showed the final score as their team losing(when they actually won), and they spent the rest of the night thinking their team had lost, and made fools of themselves the next day arguing with _other_ people that their team had lost, it wasn’t funny? > > I laughed about that for days! Nah, that’s pretty funny. I can’t speak for others, but my point in this thread has always been making fun of someone **you don’t know** = uncool. Without context, it’s a dick move. With context, it’s freaking hilarious. ---
**Author:** ![Martini\_Enfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/martini_enfield/32/11123_2.png) [@Martini\_Enfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martini_Enfield)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2009, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/239 "2009-12-08T01:41:13Z")
> [@CutterJohn](#): > > Hmm.. So when a couple of coworkers were checking a big college football game online, and I did a quick photoshop of the website that showed the final score as their team losing(when they actually won), and they spent the rest of the night thinking their team had lost, and made fools of themselves the next day arguing with _other_ people that their team had lost, it wasn’t funny? > > I laughed about that for days! Ironically, I’d say this _isn’t_ funny and is something that a person could rightly be annoyed about- although it depends what sort of relationship you have with your friends, I guess. It’s certainly not the sort of thing I’d do to any of mine, though. ---
**Author:** ![Dripping](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d2c977/32.png) [@Dripping](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dripping)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2009, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/240 "2009-12-08T04:28:00Z")
> [@CutterJohn](#): > > Hmm.. So when a couple of coworkers were checking a big college football game online, and I did a quick photoshop of the website that showed the final score as their team losing(when they actually won), and they spent the rest of the night thinking their team had lost, and made fools of themselves the next day arguing with _other_ people that their team had lost, it wasn’t funny? > > I laughed about that for days! That’s hilarious! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755.md?page=11) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755.md?page=13)