# WTF is "funny" about telling someone an upsetting lie, then going "just joking, ha ha"??? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 2, 2009, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755 "2009-12-02T20:51:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2009, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/81 "2009-12-03T15:02:58Z")
I absolutely agree with the OP but I have learned a pretty good way to deal with this sort of situation. When the joke is revealed, you simply blink, do not smile, and say, in the flattest tone possible, “Oh. It was a joke. I see.” I know it’s hard to pull off because once one is embarrassed one wants to smile to show they got the joke, but if it bothers you, you don’t have to play along. No one says the other person HAS to be sensitive to your feelings, but if they don’t, you don’t have to be sensitive to their stupid jokes, either. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2009, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/82 "2009-12-03T15:18:12Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Meh, they’re both fine. Your scenario would be better if the host offered a bourbon, but I shant be picky. > > Oh, wait, no, while typing my last sentence, I found a flaw in a harmless offering. Here goes: The guest is a recovering alcoholic, and his dad used to beat his mother when drunk, and his sister was killed by a drunk driver, so he _hates_ beer, and is caused deep, emotional distress by the offer. Silly, of course, to assume someone will be offended by a harmless joke or gesture. If you are, that’s your problem. If the host were aware that the guest was a recovering alcoholic then yes, deliberately offering a beer is a dick move. Absent that knowledge, the offer of a beer is a generous gesture designed to make the guest feel _welcome_. Conversely, the joke is designed to make the guest feel _uncomfortable_. Which is also a dick move, unless the two parties involved know each other well enough for there to be other context to the interaction. ---
**Author:** ![akwally1](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/akwally1/32/3220_2.png) [@akwally1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/akwally1)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2009, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/83 "2009-12-03T15:22:11Z")
As far as the OP goes, if Dripping had previously known the host, that would have made a slight improvement to the joke, but it still would have been inappropriate. Not having known the host at all though, this really did make the host start off the night much farther to the asshole side of the scale. I’m very social, and have no qualms about being dropped in a new social situation. If it had been me, I’m sure I would have come up with something witty and disarming, but that doesn’t change the fact that the host still would have been a dick for doing that to a stranger. To all those who are saying “lighten up”, the job of a host is to make your guests feel at ease and welcomed. Obviously this didn’t happen here and it wasn’t the fault of the OP. Mark ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2009, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/84 "2009-12-03T15:27:33Z")
> [@aruvqan](#): > > i had an abusive ex-fiance that would dangle a promise of something nice, then yank it as a control issue. That’s… not remotely the same thing. In fact, that’s kind of the polar opposite. > [@Martini\_Enfield](#): > > Does the OP suffer from some sort of social anxiety? That’s what I’m thinking. I could see, “That was a retarded joke that stopped being funny in fifth grade.” But, “Oh my god, that was so terrible that I’m going to huddle in a corner for hours, hugging my knees as I rock back and forth sobbing, only to spend the next ten years drinking myself to sleep to try to cope with the pain,” that’s a little overboard unless there’s something abnormal about the way you interact with other people. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2009, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/85 "2009-12-03T15:59:58Z")
In both situations described in the OP, I can imagine myself laughing, or at least smiling and shrugging it off. But that’s only because I enjoy laughing at myself. Two seconds of awkward embarrassment or disappointment are easily forgotten and forgiven when it’s all revealed to be joke. As long as the joke doesn’t require lies about death or dying and isn’t extended past a moment or two, it’s usually not a big deal to me. That said, I do understand how some people could be bothered by this style of joking. I sympathize with those who approach social situations with apprehension and take self-perceived screwups seriously. But ascribing negative character traits to people who use this humor is going too far, IMO. I doubt that the party host was _really_ trying to fool the OP into believing that there was no party and I also doubt he knew that the OP was nervous about going to the party. It sounds like he made the assumption that the OP wouldn’t have minded a little playful teasing, because most people don’t take these kinds of jokes personally and are able to find humor in their own gullible reactions. And in the work situation, I don’t think the boss would have tried this joke if he thought his staff were in serious doubt over whether they’d won contract. Since expectations were high, it’s possible he thought it would be funny to announce an unexpected outcome because the reaction would likely be total surprise. Perhaps in his mind he thought “Before anyone has time to get dismayed and scared, I’ll come out with the truth and it will be all smiles and happiness!” Sounds like he miscalculated because the OP _did_ get dismayed and scared, but I don’t think that was intent. He, like the party host, miscalculated. But to call them both jerks is wrong. ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2009, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/86 "2009-12-03T16:00:13Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > But, “Oh my god, that was so terrible that I’m going to huddle in a corner for hours, hugging my knees as I rock back and forth sobbing, only to spend the next ten years drinking myself to sleep to try to cope with the pain,” that’s a little overboard unless there’s something abnormal about the way you interact with other people. But Dripping didn’t say that’s what he did. He said he hung around a while and left early. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2009, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/87 "2009-12-03T16:01:31Z")
> [@Martini\_Enfield](#): > > Precisely. There’s no intention there to make you feel stupid or awkward. They’re just trying to lighten the mood, and it’s sad we live in a “But I’m Special!” society where people think “How dare you not know about my traumatic and socially awkward childhood and the pain jokes about getting the dates wrong cause me!” instead of “That is a really lame joke. So, where do you want me to put these drinks?” I don’t think classy people from any time period in the last couple hundred years would consider “I’m lying to make you embarrassed/sad” jokes funny. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2009, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/88 "2009-12-03T16:28:15Z")
> [@NinetyWt](#): > > But Dripping didn’t say that’s what he did. He said he hung around a while and left early. Thank you for continuing to demonstrate that you have no sense of humor. ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2009, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/89 "2009-12-03T16:39:50Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > Thank you for continuing to demonstrate that you have no sense of humor. Sorry. I thought we were having a serious discussion. I can’t see you making faces, yanno. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2009, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/90 "2009-12-03T16:44:21Z")
> [@NinetyWt](#): > > Sorry. I thought we were having a serious discussion. I can’t see you making faces, yanno. I usually figure the extreme hyperbole makes obvious the… extreme hyperbole. ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2009, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/91 "2009-12-03T16:50:20Z")
Oh. Well… my practicality takes over so often. Example: my sister sent me an email. She asked: “Which of these dresses should I wear to this function? The first is a pants suit blah blah (description). The second dress has a mid-calf skirt blah blah”. My mind got stuck on the fact that pants suit != skirt. I knew perfectly well what she meant, my logical mind just got stuck there. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2009, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/92 "2009-12-03T16:51:34Z")
You gotta lighten up, sugar tits. ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2009, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/93 "2009-12-03T16:57:35Z")
Nah. That way of thinking is ingrained in me 'cause of my line of work. It’s how I make my living. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Biotop](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biotop/32/321_2.png) [@Biotop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biotop)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2009, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/94 "2009-12-03T17:17:30Z")
Can’t people just wait for April 1st for this kind of stuff? At least then it is fair play— as the receiver of said prank has a chance to be on guard. It seems to me part of that fairness and funniness with the “prank” gag is that the victim must have some reasonable chance of being able to see through the thing before the joke is revealed to be a joke. That way the prankster himself is exposed to fair risk. Otherwise, I’m in the “it’s mean” camp. And cruel jokes are never appropriate. Never. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2009, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/95 "2009-12-03T17:24:15Z")
Yeah it’s a lame joke, but it’s a very common one, and the OP’s reaction is pretty unusual. ---
**Author:** ![DooWahDiddy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9bcb4/32.png) [@DooWahDiddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DooWahDiddy)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2009, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/96 "2009-12-03T18:07:20Z")
Frankly, I’d be more concerned with being the first one at a party where I don’t know the hosts very well. How long did you have to pretend you weren’t upset before someone else showed up? Next time don’t get there so early. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2009, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/97 "2009-12-03T18:08:54Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Often, a joke can break the ice. Sure, but the point is, not that kind of joke. It’s risky, to say the least, to try to make someone comfortable by making them feel uncomfortable. Obviously, in this case, it didn’t work. Risky jokes, like risqué ones, should stay for people you know well and can rely upon to “take” them. The burden is on the joke-maker, more so since in this case he’s the host. **Gyrate** has the right analysis, and so does **akwally1**. I say this as someone who makes similar kinds of joke all the time – but usually with my roommate, who I’ve known for twelve years and who has the resulting wounded puppy look down to perfection. **Anaamika** offered a good way to deal with them. ---
**Author:** ![GESancMan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gesancman/32/2923_2.png) [@GESancMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GESancMan)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2009, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/98 "2009-12-03T18:23:58Z")
> [@Biotop](#): > > Can’t people just wait for April 1st for this kind of stuff? At least then it is fair play— as the receiver of said prank has a chance to be on guard. It seems to me part of that fairness and funniness with the “prank” gag is that the victim must have some reasonable chance of being able to see through the thing before the joke is revealed to be a joke. That way the prankster himself is exposed to fair risk. > > Otherwise, I’m in the “it’s mean” camp. > > And cruel jokes are never appropriate. Never. Back when I was running a restaurant, one of my assistant managers was a very sweet young lady who was engaged to a guy I wasn’t too fond of. He’d recently bought a motorcycle, and she wasn’t very happy about it. Coming up on April 1st he got the bright idea to have a friend call into the restaurant, on her shift, and tell her he’d been killed while riding his bike, and he let me in on this “prank” he was planning. I told him in no uncertain terms that his idea was completely fucked up, I wanted no part in it, and that he’d better not involve the restaurant in any way. I thought he’d gotten the message. And, as it turns out, he did - he waited until she was at home. Fuckin’ dickhead. The saddest part of the story is that she still married him. ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2009, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/99 "2009-12-03T18:33:43Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > I usually figure the extreme hyperbole makes obvious the… extreme hyperbole. I’ve tried that too. For some individuals, no hyperbole is too extreme as to not be read seriously. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2009, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755/100 "2009-12-03T18:38:55Z")
> [@matt\_mcl](#): > > Sure, but the point is, not that kind of joke. It’s risky, to say the least, to try to make someone comfortable by making them feel uncomfortable. Obviously, in this case, it didn’t work. > > Risky jokes, like risqué ones, should stay for people you know well and can rely upon to “take” them. Juh? I suppose I don’t see anything risky, risqué, or otherwise offensive about such a joke. “Party’s tomorrow - Haha, kidding, it’s today.” Yeah, stupid joke, not a big deal, and not uncommon. I’m starting to think I am \*way \*too easy-going for this board. Yes, making someone believe that he’s lost his job or his spouse is rather dickish, but the first example in the OP is perfectly harmless. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-is-funny-about-telling-someone-an-upsetting-lie-then-going-just-joking-ha-ha/519755.md?page=6)