# WTF kind of person would do this to his girlfriend?? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 10, 2005, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-kind-of-person-would-do-this-to-his-girlfriend/289324 "2005-02-10T01:53:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-kind-of-person-would-do-this-to-his-girlfriend/289324/1 "2005-02-10T01:53:31Z")
Here’s an email I recieved from Ernie at [Ernie’s House of Whoopass!](http://www.ehowa.com). I’m on his mailing list to get emailed jokes. Most of his stuff is pretty tasteless, but I think his most recent email deserves a good pitting. Read on: > [@Ernie](#): > > I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to “Cook her something she’s never had before” for dinner. > > After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten. > > I got out my trusty case of MRE’s. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here’s what I made: > > I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive oil. > > In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees. > > When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like > > Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans (hey, if it’s got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?) > > For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. > > Voila–Ranger Pudding. > > For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named “Military Special”–it sells for $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets of “Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored” (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess… could’ve been leftover sand from Egypt). > > I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that shit is fucking EXPENSIVE… my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter. > > She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said “This looks INCREDIBLE!!!” > > We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift “wine” I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses > during dinner. > > At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the “Chocolate mousse” I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay… yeah… it’s Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make… yup. > > Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself “uh oh” and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay. > > Let the games begin. > She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes smellgood) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look. > > After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say “What the hell is WRONG with me???,” as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. > > This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener. > > Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn’t come out for 30 minutes. > > I turned the movie up because I didn’t want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks. > > She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said “I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can’t believe I keep running to your bathroom!!” I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed. > > Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can. > > After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of “Army food” she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said “I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?” After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word. > > She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn’t shit for 3 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand. > > It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that was the first time she’d ever crapped in a guy’s house on a date. She’d been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch. > > I know, I’m an asshole, but it was still a funny night. What the fuck kind of asshole fucks with someone like this, especially to someone they’re supposed to care about? I wouldn’t have done this shit to my worst enemy. You think it’s funny fucking with someone’s stomach like this? This email wasn’t funny, Ernie. It was extremely disturbing. Who knows, though. Maybe I’m overreacting. Adam ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-kind-of-person-would-do-this-to-his-girlfriend/289324/2 "2005-02-10T02:00:08Z")
> [@Agent Foxtrot](#): > > Maybe I’m overreacting. No. You’re not. ---
**Author:** ![Ilsa\_Lund](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a6a055/32.png) [@Ilsa\_Lund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ilsa_Lund)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-kind-of-person-would-do-this-to-his-girlfriend/289324/3 "2005-02-10T02:02:36Z")
It was funny as hell right up until the part where he didn’t let on after the first bite. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-kind-of-person-would-do-this-to-his-girlfriend/289324/4 "2005-02-10T02:04:34Z")
Well, he’s right about being an asshole. Thinking it’s so damned funny just punctuates that assessment. What a :wally ---
**Author:** ![Gfab912](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a9a28c/32.png) [@Gfab912](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gfab912)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-kind-of-person-would-do-this-to-his-girlfriend/289324/5 "2005-02-10T02:10:48Z")
_ **Wiping the tears away** _ That’s fucked up! (Bah ha ha!) Ok, on the serious side, what the hell was this guy thinking? If someone did that shit to me, they have a little struggle getting my foot out their ass! Food and family are the two taboo subjects to be fucked with. This guy deserves an ass-kicking… but then again, she still likes him enough to consider being with him so I guess she’s just as fucked up. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-kind-of-person-would-do-this-to-his-girlfriend/289324/6 "2005-02-10T02:16:57Z")
The guy has serious hate issues with women. ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-kind-of-person-would-do-this-to-his-girlfriend/289324/7 "2005-02-10T02:19:53Z")
> [@Gfab912](#): > > _ **Wiping the tears away** _ That’s fucked up! (Bah ha ha!) Ok, on the serious side, what the hell was this guy thinking? If someone did that shit to me, they have a little struggle getting my foot out their ass! Food and family are the two taboo subjects to be fucked with. This guy deserves an ass-kicking… but then again, she still likes him enough to consider being with him so I guess she’s just as fucked up. As I’m reading this, it doesn’t look like he intentionally added anything to cause her intestinal distress. I am also gleaning that he’s an Army Ranger and eats these meals as a matter of routine without the benefit of seasonings and improvements. Among field personnel is considered a fine art to be able to find ways to improve the palatability of MRE’s by finding novel ways to combine and prepare the ingredients. Rangers are odd guys. They also eat snakes. Loving a Ranger definitely isn’t for everyone, but women who date Rangers are fuly aware of what they are. They find them amusing or endearing, and accept their oddities. ---
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-kind-of-person-would-do-this-to-his-girlfriend/289324/8 "2005-02-10T02:38:41Z")
Wow. Maybe a Ranger is for me. If I were her I’d rather know they were MREs first, but it’s not as though he fed her anything that was deliberately harmful. An MRE, even mixed with another MRE, is edible. Soldiers stuck with no access to other food live on them, after all. It’s not like he cooked her dogshit souffle. He cooked something that was designed to be treated as food. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-kind-of-person-would-do-this-to-his-girlfriend/289324/9 "2005-02-10T02:56:10Z")
Why should we think he’s a Ranger? Any jack off can buy MRE’s. Wow, **Catsix** , I never saw anyone who hated her own gender as much as you do. ---
**Author:** ![Hunter\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/50afbb/32.png) [@Hunter\_Hawk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hunter_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-kind-of-person-would-do-this-to-his-girlfriend/289324/10 "2005-02-10T03:04:29Z")
Laughing at another person’s intestinal distress isn’t too cool, but I think the “MRE cuisine” idea is pretty funny. ---
**Author:** ![Random](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/57b2e6/32.png) [@Random](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Random)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-kind-of-person-would-do-this-to-his-girlfriend/289324/11 "2005-02-10T03:07:27Z")
Yeah, I’m not understanding why this guy’s an asshole. He cooked an usual dinner, going to some trouble. She asked for something new, and he introduced her to something that qualified. MREs are food. We think they’re good enough for our military. She liked the food and complimented him. It appears that he the same things she did. She had a bad reaction to something. It’s not clear exactly what. There’s no indication that he planned or even expected what occurred. Yeah, his sense of humor seems a bit crude - most of us got over the farts = funny thing in fifth grade. Possible insensitivity aside, though, what did he do that was so evil? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-kind-of-person-would-do-this-to-his-girlfriend/289324/12 "2005-02-10T03:21:27Z")
Is it funny when a person you care about gets sick? The guy’s a fucking asshole misogynist dickhead. ---
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-kind-of-person-would-do-this-to-his-girlfriend/289324/13 "2005-02-10T03:21:31Z")
> [@](#): > > **Diogenes** said: > Wow, Catsix, I never saw anyone who hated her own gender as much as you do. I think MRE cuisine is funny, partially because I have eaten MREs before. I also don’t think that cooking them up is a malicious act, since they _are_ actually food. It’s in no way clear that he intended her any kind of harm by cooking _something that is designed and intended to be eaten_ for her to eat. What the fuck does that have to do with hating a gender? ---
**Author:** ![Random](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/57b2e6/32.png) [@Random](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Random)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-kind-of-person-would-do-this-to-his-girlfriend/289324/14 "2005-02-10T03:23:31Z")
> [@Diogenes the Cynic](#): > > Why should we think he’s a Ranger? Any jack off can buy MRE’s… It’s fairly strongly implied - > [@](#): > > Voila–Ranger Pudding. > [@Diogenes the Cynic](#): > > Wow, **Catsix** , I never saw anyone who hated her own gender as much as you do. Good job, **Dio**. You cause me to question my low opinion of you (very, very slightly, mind) with a political post that I actually agree with (link below), and then immediately reassure me that you are the same kneejerk, combative, everyone-who-disagrees-with-me-is-evil moron that I’m used to seeing. > **[White House caught planting a stooge in the press corps](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=301591)** > > Fake reporter planted by WH The Globe story is an entertaining read. Apparently, Shrub uses this guy regularly to bail himself out of tough spots and Gannon is not above lying like a sack: Then there’s these lowball attacks on Kerry diguised as... (If GWB were smart, he wouldn’t spend his money on Republican journalist stooges. He’d pay people like you. It’d be a more efficient way to convince fence-sitters to vote Republican.) ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-kind-of-person-would-do-this-to-his-girlfriend/289324/15 "2005-02-10T03:24:59Z")
> [@catsix](#): > > I think MRE cuisine is funny, partially because I have eaten MREs before. > > I also don’t think that cooking them up is a malicious act, since they _are_ actually food. It’s in no way clear that he intended her any kind of harm by cooking _something that is designed and intended to be eaten_ for her to eat. > > What the fuck does that have to do with hating a gender? The fact that you think there’s something endearing about a prick who poisons his girlfriend as a “joke.” Also, your entire posting history is filled with hostility towards women. ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-kind-of-person-would-do-this-to-his-girlfriend/289324/16 "2005-02-10T03:25:40Z")
> [@Diogenes the Cynic](#): > > Why should we think he’s a Ranger? Any jack off can buy MRE’s. > > Wow, **Catsix** , I never saw anyone who hated her own gender as much as you do. You are a serious dickhead **Dio**. WTF in her post was indicative of hate? You know, there are times to STFU, and you had no clue that that was one of them. :wally ---
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-kind-of-person-would-do-this-to-his-girlfriend/289324/17 "2005-02-10T03:32:23Z")
> [@](#): > > **Diogenes** said: > The fact that you think there’s something endearing about a prick who poisons his girlfriend as a “joke.” Poison? That’s a pretty serious accusation considering that what the guy cooked was FOOD and it was, so far as I know, within its shelf life. ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-kind-of-person-would-do-this-to-his-girlfriend/289324/18 "2005-02-10T03:32:34Z")
The question: What did he do that was so horrible. Okay, first of all, he knowingly fed her **nine thousand _fucking_ calories** of food! That’s more calories than a normal person should eat in two days! If someone has self-esteem issues, especially with her weight, that could be devastating. Second, who the fuck would **laugh** while someone is shitting their brains out in agony and **crying** because she’s so humiliated? Defending him by saying he fed her regular human-grade food is like saying, “Here, eat these two boxes of Ex-Lax.” Sure, it’s meant to be consumed, but _not in those quantities_! This guy is a complete and total fucker. And I agree with **Diogenes**. I think he has some issues with violent tendencies toward women. Adam ---
**Author:** ![Jaade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/dfb087/32.png) [@Jaade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaade)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-kind-of-person-would-do-this-to-his-girlfriend/289324/19 "2005-02-10T03:36:25Z")
> [@Random](#): > > Yeah, I’m not understanding why this guy’s an asshole. He cooked an usual dinner, going to some trouble. She asked for something new, and he introduced her to something that qualified. MREs are food. We think they’re good enough for our military. > > She liked the food and complimented him. It appears that he the same things she did. > > She had a bad reaction to something. It’s not clear exactly what. There’s no indication that he planned or even expected what occurred. > > Yeah, his sense of humor seems a bit crude - most of us got over the farts = funny thing in fifth grade. Possible insensitivity aside, though, what did he do that was so evil? A lot of the military people don’t think they’re good enough for the military. As a girl who’s dated several military men, I have asked, on occasion, if MREs really are as bad as I’ve heard, and if they’d let me try one. They all said no, they were horrible and I wouldn’t want one. Yes, they do try to mix the MREs at times to make them into more palatable meals. But they know what they are eating. For the ones of you who think this is funny: Do you think it’s humorous when people convince other people to try food without telling them what they are eating? I’ve never found that type of “joke” to be funny. 9000 calories? Are you kidding me? I’m sure she didn’t eat that many but imagine how horrible she must have felt, based on the guy’s description alone. A bout of illness followed by days of constipation? If she forgave him, she’s a better person than I am. ---
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-kind-of-person-would-do-this-to-his-girlfriend/289324/20 "2005-02-10T03:41:13Z")
> [@](#): > > **AgentFoxtrot** said: > Okay, first of all, he knowingly fed her nine thousand fucking calories of food! That’s more calories than a normal person should eat in two days! If someone has self-esteem issues, especially with her weight, that could be devastating. And? Eating that many calories in a one-off event, if she did eat _all_ of the food and he had none, is not really likely to cause any serious physical harm. He says ‘We dug in.’ Apparently she didn’t eat 9000 calories of anything by herself. Did he have **any reason** to believe that sharing such a meal with her in a one-time affair would cause her harm? I doubt it. > [@](#): > > Second, who the fuck would laugh while someone is shitting their brains out in agony and crying because she’s so humiliated? He found it humorous that she was embarassed about farting while she was shitting? Immature, but not misogynistic. > [@](#): > > Defending him by saying he fed her regular human-grade food is like saying, “Here, eat these two boxes of Ex-Lax.” Sure, it’s meant to be consumed, but not in those quantities! Considering the portion sizes and caloric contents of what a lot of people eat when they go out, including things like beer, wine, desserts, coffees that are loaded with cream, he didn’t really go that far above the what people stuff themselves with. He fed her human grade food. MREs are designed and produced to be food for humans. > [@](#): > > This guy is a complete and total fucker. And I agree with Diogenes. I think he has some issues with violent tendencies toward women. Oh please. Nothing this guy did was in any way violent. At worst he was immature for laughing about the farts. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wtf-kind-of-person-would-do-this-to-his-girlfriend/289324.md?page=2)